A couple of things: on Friday I thought about studying TCM. I know I'm on ground zero at this point, and I do want to pivot my life because teaching music is dead. There's no way to beat around it, that's gone. It was stillborn. An Eraserhead baby, if you will. Thing is I don't want to study TCM alone. TCM and psychology go very hand-to-hand together, and if I go into TCM since there is a group opening up (I'm being encouraged by both my therapist and my mom to go back to school), I would love to go back to school and study psychology as well. Really, I do.
There was no D&D, which was fine. Nonetheless, it was also a good opportunity to figure out the question I left off during the WAM: if I'm writing so much, then why am I not publishing? Simple: stage fright. Why stage fright? How come I got stage fright again at this point? What? Because it's my impostor syndrome manifesting itself as stage fright, and using very good arguments to keep me out of the stage.
I published 15 stories two years ago. 6 stories last year. You know how much I've published this year? 2, and those two add up to 1500 words, out of 375K written. I've published 0.3% of what I've written so far, and the percentage might get lower by the end of the year. That's insane! I should've published 40% or 50% of 375K, but no, I went and published 0.3%.
And how come I figured out it's impostor syndrome? Two things: first, the events of last year. Last year was the worst experience I've ever had; I've never hid myself so badly like last year. No kidding, it was a civil war, and even the fear of being hunted down is still haunting me now. Even though my work pivoted from just pornographic videos in written form to sexploitation pulps and made it significantly more interesting, deeper, and shocking in the sense of the difference from what it once was, I didn't publish because I was afraid of putting out too much; enough for the government to figure out that I'm shouting. Second, the rules of the game in the place where I publish. It's confusing. I don't mean content guidelines or anything like that, I mean the unwritten rules of the market game. What's trending, how things trend, the advice people constantly give (like keeping your name out in the newest works), whether ratings matter or not, and it all adds up so much pressure to the point that the two stories that I've published felt like they aren't worth it, and it's... Ugh. You know I'm a min-maxer, right? How do you think I feel attepting to min-max my game when there's always something hidden going on, or something that suddenly switches, like it is currently with plenty authors getting delays and lots of AI false flags? I've never had a story flagged as AI though, yet some established authors have.
Then there's Substack. I want to publish there, but the problem is I have no idea what to write over there other than reposting stories. I don't know, that feels too cheap. I want to do something more than that.
But yeah, realizing that it was impostor syndrome what has stopped me from publishing felt like a relief. There are so many self-imposed barriers too, and I'm starting to tear those apart.
Anyway, I nearly finished NaNoWriMo on the 24th! It was the lack of time that stopped me... Monday was HECTIC! I barely managed to put down a few words, but damn it was a very hectic day...
November 23rd, 2025
Dance Days: 1
Kickboxing Days: 1
Programs:
Athena's Playbook: Day 11
Bucket List:
Total Body Strength
Shadebound
High Gear
Extreme HIIT
Workouts:
Daily Dare: 10 Balance Side Lunges +EC
Count: 2033 - 2029 +EC
The Right Side + 10 Decline Push-ups
20-Seconds Legs
Daily Walk
Challenges:
Writing the Same Thing Every Day for a Year: 567 words in 34 minutes! (325/365)
NaNoWriMo 2K25: Day 23 - 2433 in 60 minutes (47616/50000)
Writing progress:

3000 words in 94 minutes!

1500 Get!
Writing Tiers:
500 Words
1000 Words
1500 Words
Reading progress:
Burning Chrome - 74%
Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition: Player's Handbook - 38%
The Illiad - 16%
The Pencil - Story 2: The Pencil (2/3) - 37%
Other Victories:
November 24th, 2025
Dance Days: 1
Kickboxing Days: 1
Programs:
Athena's Playbook: Day 11
Bucket List:
Total Body Strength
Shadebound
High Gear
Extreme HIIT
Workouts:
Daily Dare: 20 V-extensions +EC
Count: 2034 - 2030 +EC
The Right Side + 10 Decline Push-ups
20-Seconds Legs
Daily Walk
Challenges:
Writing the Same Thing Every Day for a Year: 617 words in 27 minutes! (326/365)
NaNoWriMo 2K25: Day 24 - 1444 in 40 minutes (49060/50000)
Writing progress:

2061 words in 67 minutes!

1500 Get!
Writing Tiers:
500 Words
1000 Words
1500 Words
Reading progress:
Burning Chrome - 74%
Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition: Player's Handbook - 38%
The Illiad - 16%
The Pencil - Story 2: The Pencil (2/3) - 37%
Other Victories: