To Forge an Ironmaiden...

Nevetharine

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Viking from The Depths
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Posts: 868
Been offline(ish) a few days. Dieting woes... I won't go into it... just that I had some massive mental anguish about it for the last few days. Like it consumed every ounce of mental energy I had.

About having a small breakfast, if you can imagine that.

I'm trying to get into some sort of normal schedule but it's freaking me the hell out because I'm scared to death of gaining weight. I know we've been here before.
Yay for disordered eating... or should those words actually be reversed?

So now the only thing I'm able to rationalize is... I'll allow myself the portions, but I need to weigh in everyday for 31 days... so that I can have a weekly average to work out and prove to myself that after a month of "intuitive eating a.k.a normal eating" I won't swell up like a balloon.

So following all that panic, I didn't even have the energy to "formally" workout yesterday.

I'm still walking daily with hubby... and yesterday I trained by numbers. 100 push ups, 100 plank leg raises, and 100 tricep dips throughout the day. I also did 5 minute strength, but it wasn't five minutes because I turned it into a power workout. So I used heavier weights and did the reps very slowly.

Today:

✔Walking
✔D12 of Lower Body Blast
✔D1 of Bootcamp, 5 sets, 1m rest.

❇Consecutive days of exercise: 111

Although I started Bootcamp, I'm just fooling around and don't have any "set" program going on right now.

I'm just focusing on doing something everyday to keep the streak going, and trying to keep my maniacal head on my shoulders.
 

Nevetharine

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Viking from The Depths
Pronouns: She/her
Posts: 868
Workout was pretty much nonexistant yesterday... But I hauled groceries, did the lower body challenge, and walked. That's something, right?

Today will be better because I have a lot of time to myself. My hubby has gotten a weekend job, for this weekend only, of stock taking. I'm prepping to go for a long walk now, around 3.4km. And later, or maybe after, I'll come back to a random Darebee workout.

Dieting woes 》
Food is taking up a lot of mental space. All of it, really. But right now I have "safe meals".

Breakfast has been eggs and bulletproof coffee/toast throughout the week, dinner has been a bowl of oatmeal. Sometimes they switch, but they don't change ATM. Lunch varies.

I'm getting into the habit of not snacking, which I don't think is a bad thing. And I'm allowing myself a "cheatmeal" today. Maybe. Or maybe tomorrow. It's going to be dessert.

I've been doing this a week and already I start panicking when I think of eating anything but the oatmeal or the eggs, because now magically everything else is uncertain and will make me gain 100lbs overnight or derail everything to oblivion. Man, my body loves routine.

The good thing about it is that it cuts out some of the mental anguish, which has a lot to do with too many choices and being uncertain about which one is the "right" one. That doesn't even make sense, but well, anxiety rarely does.

Alrighty, I'm going for that walk! I've started editing my book again, posted the first eight (?) Edited chapters on Inkitt. And I get lots of ideas while walking with music blasting in my ears.

The intention is to edit my book. I might end up playing Skyrim. But that doesn't last long because the movement gives me motion sickness these days.
 

Maegaranthelas

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Bard from The Netherlands
Pronouns: They/them
Posts: 385
"I sing and I know things"
I now eat fancy muesli with oatmilk every single morning, it saves me so much thinking.
In the past, not knowing what to eat would often leave me just not eating till well after regular-people-lunchtime.
But fancy muesli with vegan chocolate and raspberries is a great way to start my day ^^
 

Nevetharine

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Viking from The Depths
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Posts: 868
I now eat fancy muesli with oatmilk every single morning, it saves me so much thinking.
In the past, not knowing what to eat would often leave me just not eating till well after regular-people-lunchtime.
But fancy muesli with vegan chocolate and raspberries is a great way to start my day ^^

A few months, might actually have been a year, ago, I ate so much oatmeal. I posted my food here almost every day. Oatmeal and lentils. Although lentils don't agree with my digestion anymore, eating the same thing everyday cut down a lot on my anxiety.

Some people suggest counting calories to actually manage it, but I just rebel against the number. And it's never accurate anyway because I loathe weighing food. Sometimes I just spontaneously weigh to check that the portion I'm eyeballing is still correct, but weighing EVERYTHING? I did that to lose most of my weight. No thanks.

I'd rather just eat the same thing everyday until I get sick of it for months and then pick something else. Humans are creatures of habit. Sadly I form bad ones much quicker than good ones...

Today was a "cheat" day, or I had a different meal at lunch than my normal routine.

It wasn't even worth it. Maybe I just need to realize that, for me, it never will be. It will never be enough... or satisfying... or last long enough.

My husband laughed at me last night because he offered me muesli and yoghurt. And I ate it out of a teacup with a baby spoon, just because its so calorific. He finished a bowl four times that size (he can eat a lot... and darn him... stay just as he is) before I finished my cup of muesli. And had an internal storm of panic.

Some people just accept they will always be hungry on a diet and just get on with it. Lol. Guess I have to try that too. And I can be pretty good at rotating the same foods over and over. The problem is keeping the routine when life changes happen. That's usually when I gain. Too much freedom and choice.

My hubby has given up on trying to support me with eating because the plans keep changing and he can't keep up. And more often than not I end up getting mad at him. So he promised not to say anything ever again. He's not against anything, nor supporting anything.

It actually makes it EASIER for me. Because there's less guilt involved feeling like I've "failed" someone. There's no one to fail but me.

The food noise in my head is a lot though. I wanted to work on my book today, never got around to it. I've been reading Reddit posts all morning. I have such a headache. :giveup:

But I WILL play skyrim later, because that gets my mind off it. Or reading a good detective novel.
 

Nevetharine

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Viking from The Depths
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Posts: 868
I did this today. And with half EC. Because I can't configure my dumbells to 8kg... only to 7 or to 10. And 10kg was too heavy.

And I did the day's challenge.

I'm less distracted today. 🙂 Or rather, distracted with things other than food. Which is good. I'm having muesli tonight for dinner, and it won't be in a teacup. (Edit to add - because I weighed it out. And a serving doesn't just fit in a teacup, but in a small bowl, in fact.)
 
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Maegaranthelas

Well-known member
Bard from The Netherlands
Pronouns: They/them
Posts: 385
"I sing and I know things"
I do eat my morning muesli out of a fancy teacup xD
It's not a large portion, but that's okay since I can't get up or eat early anyway, so lunch usually isn't that many hours after breakfast.

And I am currently on 3kg dumbbells, so I am very impressed that you did the workout with 7kg ones =D
 

Nevetharine

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Viking from The Depths
Pronouns: She/her
Posts: 868
I did Frontier today, 4 sets, 45s rest.

And remembered I love HIIT.

Ever had someone slap a title on you? One of those days, there have been many, where a stranger tells me: "You know that's a sign of ASD, right?"

Or like that guy in the bank one time, who asked me, "Can't you stand still??"

And I'm like Noo! Why would you want to?

Or, classically, my brother, "Stop swaying like that, you're making me seasick." Well jeez, look the other way dude.

You read all the stuff online, and know you are a textbook case. Even the one and only psychologist you saw in your life for completely unrelated reasons had her suspicions.

So when people get in your face about not looking them in the eye when they talk to you, you sort of stare at them. Maybe a bit too long... enough to make them uncomfortable.

And then you smile, and realize you can't please everyone.

Imagine if I started telling them all the sh&% I write in my novels. They'd think I'm a psychopath. :giveup:
 

Nevetharine

Well-known member
Viking from The Depths
Pronouns: She/her
Posts: 868
A family member wants to start injecting testosterone to get bigger, because, as he puts it, he can't gain weight because he shits like a bird.

I personally think it's a horrible idea. And encouraged him to rather eat more, or if it's a problem, go see an endocrinologist.

But he's nineteen, and using exercise as coping (sometimes he works out for two hours a day). He's had a hard life... He wants to "get big" so nobody would bother him ever again. He doesn't have huge muscles, but I'd wager he's plenty strong even if he's lanky.

And he won't listen. Makes me worry. His mother had addiction problems, and I'm afraid he'll go down the path of a different addiction. :tap:

Society woes - Trigger warning for those with EDs
I feel like society highlights these kinds of issues in women so much, they forget that men can have them too.

I've had a male friend who had bulimia, and even as he got severely thin, his family just kind of dismissed it because "guys didn't get eating disorders", that's a "girl" thing. They figured he *wanted* to be that thin. (?!) Couldn't imagine how anyone could think someone getting up from the table straight after dinner to go make himself throw up is "normal" or a "phase". Kind of makes me sick.
 
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