My job is literally ruining my life (Vent, advice still welcome)

[legolo]

Hey people. Yeah, I know, I know. I´m like a bloody boomerang. I might disappear for ages, but I always come back.

After I managed to get exactly zero things done from my checklist from last year I kinda had to take stock. And I realized something. My goddamn job is ruining my forking life! For those who don´t know/remember (cause it´s been about half a year since I last came here), I started working at a small local gas station. Mostly register and stocking work, occasional service for people who are too old or weak to reinflate their car tires. It´s a minimum wage, part time (hah, yeah right), dead end slice of wage slave hell.
I work the late shift, which including travel time, is from 12:30pm to 10pm. I get paid for 7.45 hours. Legally I´m entitled to an half hour break, and the half hour is automatically deducted from my work time by the accounting software thingy, but since there ´s no second person working the same shift, taking a break is impossible since, direct quote from station manager, "Closing the shop before closing time is strictly forbidden, I don´t give a f**k how you do it, but you will, or I cut your hours". That one was actually about me wanting to go home early one time, since I was sick with nausea, shivers and a 40C/104F degree fever, but he always says that whenever we have, totally legitimate I might add, complaints. Can´t even go to the bathroom, since there´s always customers... I have to go to work sick, since there´s nobody who could jump in to replace somebody who´s sick, I can´t even sit down for a minute since the station manager took away the only chair, they hired me for 120 hours a month and I´m averaging at 140 to 150 hours, 180 last month. I´m always sick, the pay is a joke and I can´t, for the life of me, find another job since the german economy is a total shitshow right now. Thank you Merkel for 16 years of standstill... And even if I found something, I couldn´t go to an interview or anything anyway since I´m either super sick (which, surprise, happens when you get no rest to get well) or have to work, since the station manager adamantly refuses to hire another part timer, even though we´re fatally understaffed. I worked three straight weeks last month without a single day off! Which is extremely illegal and insanely unhealthy. My depression is worse than ever, I haven´t done any worthwhile physical activity since June, my barely existing social contacts have by now completely dried out since I don´t have time for anything.

I can´t quit, because if you do you´re banned from social welfare for two months and due to my inhumanly low wages I have no financial reserves and they´ll never fire me, because why should they if they can keep exploiting me?

I hate my job. I´m not a social person, at all. And being friendly and doing small talk and listening to forking strangers rambling on and on about whatever is basically hell. Last week I almost screamed at a senior after he didn´t listen to me explaining how our card reader works for the 15th time in a row.

My hours prevent me from doing any social activities, since I have to work every single weekend (also kinda illegal), on the few days off I have I basically just lie in bed and try to regain a bit of energy. I´m constantly exhausted (mentally and physically), I gained a lot of weight since I simply don´t have the energy, time, motivation or skills to cook, haven´t done any sports or even went for a walk for 6 months. Those few hours I have off each day I spend infront of my PC, since a) addict and need my fix, and b) that´s literally the only way for me to cope with the horror of talking to strangers for endless hours every day.

So aside from the highly unhelpful "find another job" (which, yes, would be to most obvious solution, though unless I get lucky and any of the dozens of places I sent applications to actually answers that will probably not happen), any ideas on how I can get my life back? I obviously can´t go on like this, I´m so sick and tired (literally) of all this shit...

 

[FlowersandPetals]

Ok so I don’t know what country you’re from or the labor laws but is it possible you could report them? Or speak to someone from public assistance who might be able to help you? This is wrong on so many levels and I’m sorry you’re going through this. There’s gotta be something you can do about how they’re treating you. Obviously taking advantage of you here.

 

[Laura Rainbow Dragon]

@legolo I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

"I am the one thing in life I can control"

This is so very true. And it is an important fact to hang on to.

"Find another job" is a shitty thing for people to say to you. Because securing another job is a shit goal. Because hiring decisions are made by other people, and you cannot control those other people. (Some people won't understand this, either because a.) whenever they were job-hunting they had a strong social network that helped them to secure employment via nepotism, or b.) they were lucky enough to have resources early in life which enabled them to secure highly-sought-after qualifications, which now make finding a job easy for them, or c.) they simply never had to search for a job in a shit economy. Try to give these people grace. They mean well. They just don't understand what you're going through.)

If you are job hunting, I would suggest:

1. Find a way to reward yourself for the parts of the process you can control. Like maybe set a goal for how many places you will apply to in a week/month/whatever time period is appropriate and reward yourself when you achieve that goal. It is super hard to separate the process from the desired end result when the desired end result would be so impactful on your life, whereas the process, without that end result, is not. But you cannot achieve the desired end result without going through the process. So I think it is legitimate--and important--to celebrate the work you do on that process.
2. Take stock of what you are doing in your current job, and start a list of skills you are using in that job, problems you are solving, etc., which would be useful in a different job. This can definitely be challenging when your job is customer service and you desperately don't want to be working in customer service. But there are things in there. Hunt for them. For example: you did not scream at the senior who failed to listen to you when you were trying to help him, even though his failure caused you to have to repeat yourself 15 times. This tells me you have self control. Which is useful in many situations, not just in dealing with problematic customers. Deliberately making note of your skills and accomplishments will help you to feel better, and it will show you ways you can present yourself better to prospective future employers. (Maybe do DAREBEE's Counting Victories Challenge to help with this.)

I can´t quit, because if you do you´re banned from social welfare for two months and due to my inhumanly low wages I have no financial reserves and they´ll never fire me, because why should they if they can keep exploiting me?

If they do fire you, will social welfare be enough to keep you afloat? If yes, then I would suggest doing more to stand up for yourself. Your current employer is definitely abusing you. I'm not familiar with the laws in Germany, but I expect they are similar to ours in that, what your employer is doing is illegal, but the system designed to enforce your rights is toothless. If you can afford to be fired, I think it would be worth your while to thoroughly familiarize yourself with your workplace rights, and the system designed to enforce them, and demand that your employer treat you better. If you can afford to be fired, you do have some control here. Your employer cannot physically compel you to show up to work for 21 days in a row. They cannot physically compel you to refrain from hanging a sign on the door saying "back in ten minutes", locking the door, and then going to the freaking bathroom. If you can afford to be fired, tell your employer how it's going to be, and then do what you are legally entitled to do.

Just make certain you can afford to be fired first. I once stood up to an employer who was bullying and abusing me in ways which were illegal. Nobody else stood up for me--including over 100 other employees, all of whom were being abused in the same way, several of whom I had stood up for in the past, several of whom I protected from being treated as badly as management treated me, and two of whom I considered to be my close personal friends. More than one person--again, people who I considered to be friends--actually criticized me for standing up for myself. And the company did fire me. So do make certain you can afford this end result if you do decide to go this route. And do what is right for you in this regard. Do not allow anyone else to tell you how you must approach the matter either way. None of us knows your situation as well as you do.

my barely existing social contacts have by now completely dried out

Again, I don't know your situation here as well as you do. But I would encourage you to consider that this might not be true.

My social network eroded badly during my 15 years of living in an extremely conservative, cliquish rural area, where I was not able to build a new network and where I was far away from my old one. But when I got into serious trouble there (serious as in: I'm about to be made homeless and don't have the resources necessary to prevent this from happening) three of my friends stepped up to help me in very large and significant ways (including one who had been a co-worker at the company that abused me, and did nothing to stand up for me when that was going down, and another who had criticized me for standing up for myself in that situation, and made almost no time for me at all during the 15 years when I'd been living physically distant from him. This person actually helped me the most of all!) I was also helped by the one person in the rural community who I had been able to make friends with while living there.

So please do not write off your network based on assumptions. Our friends are not perfect. They are people like us who face their own struggles and are doing the best they can with the hands they have been dealt. But they are still our friends. They want to help us if they can. Don't be afraid to ask for that help. (The worst result that can happen from asking is that they tell you they're unable to help. Which is the same result you get from assuming those friends are already gone. So you might as well try.)

Those few hours I have off each day I spend infront of my PC, since a) addict and need my fix, and b) that´s literally the only way for me to cope with the horror of talking to strangers for endless hours every day.

If this is what you need to do to survive, then keep doing it, and keep doing it without apology. If you think this behaviour is not serving you, then try to find a better way to get through the day. But don't internalize the beliefs of other people who tell you it's wrong. They're not living your life.

When I was in an extremely difficult place, I too spent a lot of time playing video games. I allowed myself to do it, because I often did need that escape from all the shit I was living in. But the gaming did take up a lot of time that I could otherwise have spent doing other, perhaps more productive things. So I do at least on some level understand the seemingly impossible contradiction involved in that situation.

One thing that helped me was that I found a different activity which a.) was time-limited, and b.) actually helped my mental health a lot more than the gaming did. For me this was a song that spoke to me (and still speaks to me) on a deeply personal level, a song that reminded me that I was still there. That even when I felt I was under attack to an extent that I was losing who I was, I was in fact not lost. That essence of who I am, that core of me that is me, was still there, and she was worth fighting for. So I did. I listened to that song every day during the dark times, to give me strength to face the day. I even choreographed a mini yoga routine to do to the song that uses postures which enable me to embody physically the same feelings the song gives to me mentally. It helped.

 

[MamaBear]

I agree with @Laura Rainbow Dragon. You must do something to help you mentally in this very stressful and uncomfortable time. You must do something to escape the horror that you are feeling right now.

You should still come back to us and share again. This act of recounting the events and frustrations to another helps unburden your mind and soul of the difficulties that you are living through. This is very healthy and we can help carry your burden until you are free of it. Continue to make this a daily or weekly thing until you feel much better.

Reach out to friends, neighbors, and even customers. You never know if the people that frequent the gas station are people in a place that can hire you. I know small talk might not be your thing but conversations and looking for opportunities might be what you need to break free of this place. When you reach out to others let them know that you are looking for another job. You might just find what you are looking for that would be a better fit than the one you are working.

I don't know if you have a workforce agency or something like that. We have something like that here. You can submit a resume and people will help you find another job, set up an interview and let you know when it is. If there is something like that then it helps with the drudgery of looking everywhere for something. We also have some online things where you can set up a search to be notified of new positions posted or ones you might be interested in.

If you have already done these things sorry to repeat. Also I want to add that maybe some meditation or walking outside might be helpful even when you don't feel like doing it. These practices can help ease your mind and heart of the weight around you. Try to incorporate good healthy snacks like raw fruits and veggies. I know you said you're not up to cooking. These are healthy and low calorie.

I hope you find something soon. I know you said you have been away for a while and so have I. Welcome back! Know that we are here and we care. I hope to hear from you soon.