The Forever Journey

Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 491
"Hello"
Wow. A full year passed just like that. It's really been that long since I used to be active on Darebee? I miss being here. I miss losing weight and exercising, in feeling good and being able to share my success and see other people succeed.

It's so difficult for me to be consistent. I'll manage to pull myself together for a few days, then the depression comes back in full force, and suddenly nothing matters to me anymore. It suddenly feels like nothing is worth trying.

But I'm here again, because once again I am feeling some type of drive to get myself out of the funk. I notice such a big difference in how I feel when I eat healthier food. My brain is less foggy. But as soon as I eat greasy food, I literally feel my body shifting into this weird "heavy" state! I honestly don't know why it's such a notable difference, but my best guess is it's because my gallbladder is gone?

Anyway...I'll be attending a yoga class this evening. I went to yoga for the first time last month, there was a free session at the library. They do this to advertise their yoga studio, and I gotta say, the advertisement worked lol. I really enjoyed the session.

I think I'll try to go on a short walk today, too. But when I think about actually doing it, I feel my body tense up in protest. I don't know why.
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 491
"Hello"
The yoga teacher is really nice! And do are the other attendees. I made the right decision by signing up for it, and I can't wait to make it a regular part of my life.

Went to Chicago with my boyfriend to meet some of his family for Christmas. We walked around so much on Christmas eve, it was insane! We walked and explored from 10am to 4pm. Guys, I'm st a staggering 290 pounds right now, but I managed to walk for that many hours, and we had such a great time! I'm so glad and grateful that I was able to do so much, even if that final flight of stairs left me huffing and puffing lol
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 491
"Hello"
Adding First Thing Water into the mix. I tried doing this around 2 years ago, but back then I had gallstones, and if I drank too fast, I'd throw up. But my gallbladder is removed now, and I can drink faster now. So we'll try it again!

~

Power Grip - day 2 complete
Water - day 1 complete

Hiking - 40 minutes (1.3 miles supposedly, but I don't trust my app)

Weight: 288.9
 
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Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 491
"Hello"
My legs are feeling the ache from yesterday's hike. They didn't ache from Chicago, but I guess going uphill and faster for 40 minutes leads to more aches than walking on flat ground slowly for 5 hours, lol. Perhaps my legs also had not fully recovered from walking in Chicago, but who knows!

I am grateful to have cleaning, running hot water. A shower helped my legs feel much better. Yay!

Power Grip - Day 3 complete!
First Thing Water - Day 2 complete!

Weight: 287

~~

Germanamazon said:
Hi
I am looking forward to reading in on your successes. I read your first page of this check in thread, and the last, will read the middle in due time.
Just want to say from one A.S. rebel to another, we can do this!
Click to expand...

:hi:

Thank you. It's nice to meet you, and I am happy that you will be following me along :)
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 491
"Hello"
I've had 1400 calories per day for the past 3 days, and I guess that may have been a little too extreme! I had a headache that lasted for 10 hours yesterday, and this morning I feel like my energy is drained. But I am taking my mom out to dinner tonight for late Christmas, so today will be a ~2000 calorie day for me. Going forward, I think I will change to aiming for 1800-2000 calories per day. I think that may be an easier change on my straining blubbery body. My current TDEE is a staggering 2300 calories.

Power Grip - Day 4 complete
First Thing Water - Day 3 complete (Drank lemonade-flavored water. I'm trying to stick to pure water only for this challenge, but this was already on the desk from last night)

Weight: 284.6
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 491
"Hello"
Germanamazon said:
Oh man 1400 calories is so freakishly low. No wonder you had a splitting headache. Please use a calorie calculator if you really want to track calories and at leat check what your BMR is. Don't go any lower than that.
Click to expand...

I am okay. I am 5'0", so 1400 isn't as freakishly low as it would be for most people. But, it was too drastic of a change based on my usual caloric intake. I need to let my body adjust to calorie changes more slowly. I am feeling much better today after adding more calories in!

Power Grip - Day 5 complete
First Thing Water - Day 4 complete

Weight: 286.5
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 491
"Hello"
Power Grip - Day 6 complete
First Thing Water - Day 5 complete

Weight: 287.5

~

Weight fluctuations are so interesting! Mine are always huge. I'm still in a calorie deficiet, but the scale is 3 pounds higher likely due to my body retaining water. It tends to retain water a lot at the very beginning of any new weight loss attempts I make. Then once it passes, I'll suddenly drop like 5 pounds in two days lol.

I have also been VERY thirsty today and yesterday (and maybe the day before that). My water intake has gone up a lot. I guess I was getting a lot of my water from food in the past, and now that I'm eating less, I need to make up for it in its ~pure water form~.

:watermelon:
 

Flip7903

Active member
from the Colorado mountains
Posts: 35
You got this @Fitato, I am rooting for you! I have similiar issues with depression, drive, and staying consistent. I commend you for not giving up and being here to begin again. Just gotta keep on keeping on and be hopeful that one day we will figure something out, no matter how small, to maintain some kind of consistency. Seems like you have a good plan. And I really like your username!
 
Germanamazon

Germanamazon

Well-known member
Warrior from Germany
Posts: 153
@Fitato I think the term "fallen off the wagen" is contra productive. Personally I like using something more positive. That doesn't have the stigma of I failed attatched to it. Like "I am reevaluating my workout plan so it fits better to my lifestyle", "I took more consecutive rest days", "I did more self care".
Doing things for oneself is a thing we need to relearn. We need the exercise and good nutrition to feel really good in our bodies. But we have usually prioritized other things and people before ourselves that we have to relearn that we need to do it the other way around.
You didn't fall of anything in my opinion. You are learning to prioritize yourself again and that takes some time.
 
OJJJEM

OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 642
I used to say, "I have issues," a lot. Now, I say, "I'm going/working through a process right now." I can attest to the above statement. Personally, I've never had a problem with "fallen off the wagon" because I come from a long line of cowboys, and when you fall, you get back up, howbeit a bit bruised and battered. HAHAHA! But yes, words have power, and your biggest conflict has not been in whether or not you keep up with a routine, but has been in loving yourself. So, choose the words you say about your strivings and your struggles carefully during this time in your life, and I promise you, they will guide you out of self-shaming. Remember, you are loved and cherished.
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 491
"Hello"
@Germanamazon Thank you. You are helping me see that I do not need to punish myself for my failures, as I often do. My brain feels fuzzy, so I am taking it easy to prevent feeling overwhelmed.

@OJJEM I'm grateful to have had you here with me throughought my time on Darebee. You may not know it, but you have had an impact on my life - I feel seen and heard by you, and I feel our journeys share many similarities. Keep being you, please :heart:
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 491
"Hello"
I tried to go on a short walk yesterday - 15 minutes is what I had in mind. But it was really, really tough. I remember spending 2 hours thinking about doing it, fighting with myself in my mind about how it's "not good enough" vs "it's better than nothing, it's still progress". I finally started to get dressed. I thought if I just did that, it'd make the rest of the battle easier.
But I thought about how far away my preferred hiking spot is - 20 minutes one way. I didn't want to spend 40 minuites driving for a 15 minute hike, but my weight gain and low activity made it difficult to mentally commit to more than that. I spent a long time trying to find hiking spots closer to me, but I ended up getting anxiety over the thought of these new places - what if this was just a normal park with no trail? What if there were no trees, so people could see me walking? What if...

I tried to psyche myself to go outside and walk around the neighborhood, but that gave me a weird sense of fear that I couldn't shake.

I ended up just doing a slight jog around the house for 2 minutes before the "this is useless" thought clouded my mind.

There's no real point in this story, if you want to call it a story. Just thought I had nothing to lose by sharing it, I guess. The positive in this situation is that I know it's temporary. Despite my frequent depressive episodes, I do always eventually get a break and can get back into hiking and weight loss, in hobbies and finding communities.
 
OJJJEM

OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 642
Fitato said:
I ended up just doing a slight jog around the house for 2 minutes before the "this is useless" thought clouded my mind.
Click to expand...
I want you to know that it's not useless. Sitting on your butt, paralyzed by perfectionism is useless. It does you no good. If you did nothing else, you jogged a couple of laps around your house. That's great! I'm currently in a position where I'm losing mobility and my mental functions. You work with what you have, and getting up to do something showed me that you did JUST THAT! It wasn't useless or pointless... You did something, and if you did nothing else, that's your accomplishment for the day.
*hugs*
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 491
"Hello"
I went to yoga tonight! I'm so proud of myself. Yesterday I couldn't even go for a 15 minute walk, but today, despite how difficult it was (and that I did originally cancel the class), I managed to go at the very last second. Rushed to the class and got there just 2 minute before it started.

I felt amazing afterwards, for about 20 minutes. The depression came back after that, but that's 20 minutes of relief (+60 minutes of the session) where things were better, so I guess that's better than not having those minute of relief.
 
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