The Forever Journey
- Thread starter Fitato
- Start date
Mamatigerj
Well-known member
Healing thoughts and prayers for you, dear Fitato. 
Anek
Well-known member
Sorceress
from
Bavaria, Germany
Pronouns: She/her
Posts: 2,908
from
Bavaria, Germany
Pronouns: She/her
Posts: 2,908
"If the time should come when you have to make a choice between what is right and what is easy, remember Cedric Diggory."
Still sick, but doing a lot better. Doctor's best guess is pneumonia. What a pain!! Work's been really tough to do with these nonstop coughs. This morning I felt really nauseous for about an hour, really thought I was going to throw up, but it passed and didn't come back, thankfully.
MadamMeow
Well-known member
Fae
from
Central NJ
Posts: 1,586
from
Central NJ
Posts: 1,586
"I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time, but Im too young to worry..."
Definitely not fun. Hope you feel better soon!
PetiteSheWolf
Well-known member
Hugs, feel better soon!
from
Mamatigerj
Well-known member
Healing thoughts and prayers for you, Fitato.
I've been sick-free for over a week now! My boyfriend is sick now though, lol. He caught it from me.
I started seeing a new therapist - last night was my first appointment. I like him so far, he has some good insights.
Been doing Arms of Steel again - just finished day 5.
Weight: 273.1
I started seeing a new therapist - last night was my first appointment. I like him so far, he has some good insights.
Been doing Arms of Steel again - just finished day 5.
Weight: 273.1
Mamatigerj
Well-known member
for you; for your boyfriend!
MadamMeow
Well-known member
Fae
from
Central NJ
Posts: 1,586
from
Central NJ
Posts: 1,586
"I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time, but Im too young to worry..."
Hope you both feel better soon!
Okay, so I haven't exercised in a few days, but I'm here!
I got news on Friday that my mom has stage 5 kidney disease, so I went down to her city to see her for the weekend. I also adopted a cat two hours before leaving. So a mix of things going on, I was very busy. I need to be better about exercising even when I get busy though, I can't just always use that as an excuse. I've decided to go back a few days on AoC and to restart the Calves of Steel challenge.
AoC - Day 4 complete!
Calves of Steel - Day 1 complete!
I got news on Friday that my mom has stage 5 kidney disease, so I went down to her city to see her for the weekend. I also adopted a cat two hours before leaving. So a mix of things going on, I was very busy. I need to be better about exercising even when I get busy though, I can't just always use that as an excuse. I've decided to go back a few days on AoC and to restart the Calves of Steel challenge.
AoC - Day 4 complete!
Calves of Steel - Day 1 complete!
Yes, we're both good now!
PetiteSheWolf
Well-known member
Hugs for encouraging and being with your mom, and enjoy your new kitty. You know we will want pics, right?! 
Mamatigerj
Well-known member
Such a pretty kitty!
PetiteSheWolf
Well-known member
Heeello beauty!
Anek
Well-known member
Sorceress
from
Bavaria, Germany
Pronouns: She/her
Posts: 2,908
from
Bavaria, Germany
Pronouns: She/her
Posts: 2,908
"If the time should come when you have to make a choice between what is right and what is easy, remember Cedric Diggory."
Cutie!!
I did an hour-long hike on February 3rd, but I kept forgetting to post that in here!
2024 Hiking Goal
3/50 hikes completed
1/20 long hikes completed
I pulled a muscle in my left leg (hurts mostly in my hip and thigh but also travels all the way down to my foot and throbs) so Calves of Steels is going to be on hold for a few days. I'm moving in with my boyfriend, and I've been doing a lot of packing the past week. I already had 75% of it done by the time I pulled this muscle, so I'm glad! And at least my arms still work. So grateful that I only have a little left to bring to his house, so my leg shouldn't get in the way too much.
For yesterday:
Arms of Steel - Day 9 complete
Weight: 258.8
2024 Hiking Goal
3/50 hikes completed
1/20 long hikes completed
I pulled a muscle in my left leg (hurts mostly in my hip and thigh but also travels all the way down to my foot and throbs) so Calves of Steels is going to be on hold for a few days. I'm moving in with my boyfriend, and I've been doing a lot of packing the past week. I already had 75% of it done by the time I pulled this muscle, so I'm glad! And at least my arms still work. So grateful that I only have a little left to bring to his house, so my leg shouldn't get in the way too much.
For yesterday:
Arms of Steel - Day 9 complete
Weight: 258.8
Oh dang, I didn't know that! Well, I'll be moving stuff on Saturday, but I'll have all of Sunday to rest and recuperate! Hopefully it's better by work on Monday lol.
Anek
Well-known member
Sorceress
from
Bavaria, Germany
Pronouns: She/her
Posts: 2,908
from
Bavaria, Germany
Pronouns: She/her
Posts: 2,908
"If the time should come when you have to make a choice between what is right and what is easy, remember Cedric Diggory."
Oh no! I hope it feels better soon!
Mamatigerj
Well-known member
Ereshkigal
Well-known member
Sorceress
Posts: 55
Posts: 55
OJJJEM
Well-known member
Mother of Dragons
Posts: 632
We'll take that! *air five*
My boyfriend and I are planning on a vacation to Colorado Springs on May 31st. I weigh 274, and I've been trying so hard to get down to 260 for the vacation, but I'm struggling a lot with eating. I just can't seem to get the number to budge - I'll be doing well, then my work will buy me food, I'll eat it in excess, then get thrown off. It'll take me a full week to get back on track, but then they buy us food again. I need to learn how to resist it, but I just can't let go of the notion of saving money by accepting the food, even though I'm not in too bad a spot financially. Forget about only eating some of the food, I try to eat as much as I can for "money saving". So dumbbb!!
But there's good news. I'm doing Darebee's Walking Challenge. It's been really good for me, even though I had a few missed days. Yesterday, I walked around a new park that had a very steep hill. I used some muscles that I feel I haven't used since I was a child, lol. That's what it's like to live in Kasnas! We really don't have hills here. The hill I walked on was in Missouri. I really feel it used different muscles than stairs use?
Anyway, after I used these long-forgotten muscles, it felt like something happened in my legs. I was shaking quite a bit even though I only walked up the hill for 10 minutes. And when I finally got back down and reached flat land, my legs...Wanted to move more? It literally felt like my legs couldn't "relax"? It was so weird, I've never expierenced that before. But I started to jog. And I jogged more than I ever have before as an adult. I think the hill loosened my muscles in a drastic way and let me be much more mobile than I had been able to before? It was weird!
So, since this park has such a steep hill, it's like the perfect Colorado Prep park! Unfortunately, my manager doesn't schedule me to work at this location very often, and it's a hassle for me to visit on non-work days (it's an hour from where I live). But I'll surely be scheduled to work there a few more times before my Colorado vacation! So long as I keep walking, and maybe start going up stairs more often, then I can track my progress the next time I go to this park and see how much easier it is
But there's good news. I'm doing Darebee's Walking Challenge. It's been really good for me, even though I had a few missed days. Yesterday, I walked around a new park that had a very steep hill. I used some muscles that I feel I haven't used since I was a child, lol. That's what it's like to live in Kasnas! We really don't have hills here. The hill I walked on was in Missouri. I really feel it used different muscles than stairs use?
Anyway, after I used these long-forgotten muscles, it felt like something happened in my legs. I was shaking quite a bit even though I only walked up the hill for 10 minutes. And when I finally got back down and reached flat land, my legs...Wanted to move more? It literally felt like my legs couldn't "relax"? It was so weird, I've never expierenced that before. But I started to jog. And I jogged more than I ever have before as an adult. I think the hill loosened my muscles in a drastic way and let me be much more mobile than I had been able to before? It was weird!
So, since this park has such a steep hill, it's like the perfect Colorado Prep park! Unfortunately, my manager doesn't schedule me to work at this location very often, and it's a hassle for me to visit on non-work days (it's an hour from where I live). But I'll surely be scheduled to work there a few more times before my Colorado vacation! So long as I keep walking, and maybe start going up stairs more often, then I can track my progress the next time I go to this park and see how much easier it is
MadamMeow
Well-known member
Fae
from
Central NJ
Posts: 1,586
from
Central NJ
Posts: 1,586
"I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time, but Im too young to worry..."
Glad that happened for you, definitely sounds cool and I'm glad you went with the feeling. Hope you can get back to the park more often. 
I'm 280 now. It's difficult to move. When I wake up in the morning, my legs feel heavy. I'm slow. I run out of breath taking one flight of stairs. And now, it's even getting difficult to stand up after I've been sitting on the floor. It's harder to breathe. My body feels lethargic. The solution is in front of me, yet I am not getting any closer to it.
I hate looking back at my past posts. Every attempt to force myself to see things positively, when I knew I wasn't feeling it. It was just me trying to whim something into existing. "Fake it till you make it", except I faked and faked and never made it.
I hate looking back at my past posts. Every attempt to force myself to see things positively, when I knew I wasn't feeling it. It was just me trying to whim something into existing. "Fake it till you make it", except I faked and faked and never made it.
It's been a long time. I have a lot of life updates. Hope you guys don't mind me using Darebee as a diary again, lol.
So...I weigh 288. And that sucks. I feel like every ounce of effort I've made since joining a few years ago had been for nothing, since I feel I have nothing to show for it. I know my mentality is my biggest problem. If I could just hush aside those words I tell myself, I'd be much better off. I know logically I have learned a lot from Darebee and have enjoyed getting to know some of you. Darebee has shaped my identity in a good way. But these negative thoughts are so strong, most of the time it feels like I am helpless against them and can do nothing about it.
I did not exercise for most of this year. But, as always whenever I come back, I was on a slight kick. I've gone hiking maybe 8 times in the past two or three weeks, which is pretty good. Even managed to will myself to the gym two days ago, which was a big accomplishment for me given that my anxiety has returned with a vengence. I had been eating pretty well, at least I thought, but I guess on the few days that I didn't track my calories, I went over way more than I realized. Gained weight instead of lost weight. So now that hopeless feeling is back. It felt so easy to eat healthier and consume less calories, but those couple of days that I ate in excess? Somehow the "easiness" has just gone away. Trying to find a way to get it to make it easier again...Maybe I just have to keep chugging kombucha in the mornings, lol.
Did the chest press at the gym - if anyone reading this has followed this thread closely, you'll know I love the chest press. My chest and arms are still sore now, 2 days later! I will keep trying to push myself to continue hiking and going to the gym even if I feel like a failure. At least I can call myself a failure who exercises. Take that, dumb heart.
I've found an antidepressant that works about as well as I could expect an antidepressant to work. When I'm in a good mood, I'm more willing to hype it up, but since I'm currently feeling down, I do not feel like hyping it up as much! But I can still acknowledge that it's allowed me to finally enjoy some hobbies again, which is pretty huge for me - I'd lost interest in every single hobby for about 6 months, straight. I had found enjoyment or interest in not a single thing for those 6 months. This antidepressant allows me to play some video games and watch some anime, which offers much relief.
The anxiety is still bad, sometimes I think it's only getting worse. No medication has been too useful here. Oh well. I'm the problem in my relationship with my boyfriend. I cry every day, at this point it's usually three times a day or more, and I get hurt over the most random things I can think of. Even when I'm aware it's happening in the moment, I still feel so panicked and upset that I beg him to explain his actions or words to me, and it causes him much stress. Which then it turn makes my own stress worse. I wish I were better; the guilt eats away at me.
So...I weigh 288. And that sucks. I feel like every ounce of effort I've made since joining a few years ago had been for nothing, since I feel I have nothing to show for it. I know my mentality is my biggest problem. If I could just hush aside those words I tell myself, I'd be much better off. I know logically I have learned a lot from Darebee and have enjoyed getting to know some of you. Darebee has shaped my identity in a good way. But these negative thoughts are so strong, most of the time it feels like I am helpless against them and can do nothing about it.
I did not exercise for most of this year. But, as always whenever I come back, I was on a slight kick. I've gone hiking maybe 8 times in the past two or three weeks, which is pretty good. Even managed to will myself to the gym two days ago, which was a big accomplishment for me given that my anxiety has returned with a vengence. I had been eating pretty well, at least I thought, but I guess on the few days that I didn't track my calories, I went over way more than I realized. Gained weight instead of lost weight. So now that hopeless feeling is back. It felt so easy to eat healthier and consume less calories, but those couple of days that I ate in excess? Somehow the "easiness" has just gone away. Trying to find a way to get it to make it easier again...Maybe I just have to keep chugging kombucha in the mornings, lol.
Did the chest press at the gym - if anyone reading this has followed this thread closely, you'll know I love the chest press. My chest and arms are still sore now, 2 days later! I will keep trying to push myself to continue hiking and going to the gym even if I feel like a failure. At least I can call myself a failure who exercises. Take that, dumb heart.
I've found an antidepressant that works about as well as I could expect an antidepressant to work. When I'm in a good mood, I'm more willing to hype it up, but since I'm currently feeling down, I do not feel like hyping it up as much! But I can still acknowledge that it's allowed me to finally enjoy some hobbies again, which is pretty huge for me - I'd lost interest in every single hobby for about 6 months, straight. I had found enjoyment or interest in not a single thing for those 6 months. This antidepressant allows me to play some video games and watch some anime, which offers much relief.
The anxiety is still bad, sometimes I think it's only getting worse. No medication has been too useful here. Oh well. I'm the problem in my relationship with my boyfriend. I cry every day, at this point it's usually three times a day or more, and I get hurt over the most random things I can think of. Even when I'm aware it's happening in the moment, I still feel so panicked and upset that I beg him to explain his actions or words to me, and it causes him much stress. Which then it turn makes my own stress worse. I wish I were better; the guilt eats away at me.
Anek
Well-known member
Sorceress
from
Bavaria, Germany
Pronouns: She/her
Posts: 2,908
from
Bavaria, Germany
Pronouns: She/her
Posts: 2,908
"If the time should come when you have to make a choice between what is right and what is easy, remember Cedric Diggory."
Glad to see you back, and I hope you feel better soon
I feel like I'm itching to hike. I think it's been about 6 days since I last hiked? I was hiking about every other day, then I hurt my foot, then my other foot! Lol. But today it's finally better, so I think tomorrow I will go on a hike if I'm awake when it's light out.
Instead, I decided to do some arm exercises on Darebee. I'm feeling it! I'm happy to be using Darebee again. I always love the upper body workouts here lol
Instead, I decided to do some arm exercises on Darebee. I'm feeling it! I'm happy to be using Darebee again. I always love the upper body workouts here lol
Yesterday evening was disappointing. I left at 4:30pm to go hiking, there's a new (to me) area 30 minutes away that I love to explore. It wasn't raining when I left. But then it started to, and it got heavier and heavier the closer I got! It was absolutely pouring, cars slowed down on the high way with their hazard lights on, kinda thing. They close the trail down when it rains, so I had to turn back.
Usually I will code if I can't hike - it's a new hobby I've gotten into! - but on Saturday the libraries close early, so I wasn't able to. And I thought, oh, the gym! Well, turns out even the gym closes early on Saturday! So I thought, alright, it should be raining lighter in my city, I'll ride my ebike and just get a bit wet.
But when I got back home, it was pouring in my city too! I didn't want to ebike in that condition. So I ended up having a really rough night. For some reason I just felt such a huge disappointing about not being able to hike or code and I just ended up spiraling emotionally.
BUT TODAY WILL BE THE DAY! It's going to rain again today, but the gym is open until 9pm on Sundays. (Weird that they close early on Saturdays only lol). I WILL GET THOSE MUSCLES!
Usually I will code if I can't hike - it's a new hobby I've gotten into! - but on Saturday the libraries close early, so I wasn't able to. And I thought, oh, the gym! Well, turns out even the gym closes early on Saturday! So I thought, alright, it should be raining lighter in my city, I'll ride my ebike and just get a bit wet.
But when I got back home, it was pouring in my city too! I didn't want to ebike in that condition. So I ended up having a really rough night. For some reason I just felt such a huge disappointing about not being able to hike or code and I just ended up spiraling emotionally.
BUT TODAY WILL BE THE DAY! It's going to rain again today, but the gym is open until 9pm on Sundays. (Weird that they close early on Saturdays only lol). I WILL GET THOSE MUSCLES!
MadamMeow
Well-known member
Fae
from
Central NJ
Posts: 1,586
from
Central NJ
Posts: 1,586
"I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time, but Im too young to worry..."
I hate days like that, but hoping today is going much better!
OJJJEM
Well-known member
Mother of Dragons
Posts: 632
That horrible feeling that you get when you seemingly haven't accomplished anything at all that day is the whole reason why I'm currently just celebrating a little thing every day... Waking up with hope for today is a HUGE thing to celebrate, methinks. 
"If I do nothing else today, I can at least say that I accomplished [____]," has become my daily mantra... HAHAHA!
"If I do nothing else today, I can at least say that I accomplished [____]," has become my daily mantra... HAHAHA!
Thank you guys
I did go to the gym. I spent 20 minutes on the treadmill. I wanted to do my beloved chest press, but there were a ton of guys in the weight room and someone was already at the chest press. I got a bit anxious and left. So, Darebee's 2-minute arms it is!
Working out got me motivated to pull myself together a little more - spent about 30 minutes doing much-needed dish washing.
I did go to the gym. I spent 20 minutes on the treadmill. I wanted to do my beloved chest press, but there were a ton of guys in the weight room and someone was already at the chest press. I got a bit anxious and left. So, Darebee's 2-minute arms it is!
Working out got me motivated to pull myself together a little more - spent about 30 minutes doing much-needed dish washing.
My sleeping schedule is very weird. I woke up at 4pm! Went to the library from 6pm - 8pm to study coding. Today, it was more fun than usual. I'm pumped to keep learning more and more. Didn't exercise, but I will try tomorrow if I have time.
I have a whole lot planned! I'm going to have to pull an all night to fix my sleeping schedule. Tomorrow, I must vote, get my license plate renewed, call a job and ask them why they haven't emailed me some info yet, go to the store for some cat food/litter, and maybe go to the bank if I can somehow squeeze that in. AND if I somehow have any energy after that, I will either code or exercise, lol.
Let's all bet on how many of those tasks I actually get done. Bet starts at $50!
I have a whole lot planned! I'm going to have to pull an all night to fix my sleeping schedule. Tomorrow, I must vote, get my license plate renewed, call a job and ask them why they haven't emailed me some info yet, go to the store for some cat food/litter, and maybe go to the bank if I can somehow squeeze that in. AND if I somehow have any energy after that, I will either code or exercise, lol.
Let's all bet on how many of those tasks I actually get done. Bet starts at $50!
OJJJEM
Well-known member
Mother of Dragons
Posts: 632
I felt this one all the way to my core! BAHAHAHA! *Empathy Laughs*Let's all bet on how many of those tasks I actually get done. Bet starts at $50!
Mamatigerj
Well-known member
My boyfriend kicked me out (for the 5th time now) because my depression is too severe. He said he can't handle me crying every day anymore.
I understand it, but I'm also very upset at him for bottling this up and exploding on me. He told me he loves me, everything is fine, and things will get better, we just need some time. 2 minutes later he sat up and said to get out because he can't handle it anymore; his voice pure anger.
I try to tell him there should be a middle point in between "everything is fine" and "get out of my house", but he says that he doesn't feel he can tell me he's getting stressed because that would just make me feel sad and he'd feel guilty.
I told myself last time and him that if he ever kicks me out like that again, I would leave him, but here we are and I am not leaving him. He seems to not understand the importance of communication and instead finds every reason he can to avoid it.
I understand it, but I'm also very upset at him for bottling this up and exploding on me. He told me he loves me, everything is fine, and things will get better, we just need some time. 2 minutes later he sat up and said to get out because he can't handle it anymore; his voice pure anger.
I try to tell him there should be a middle point in between "everything is fine" and "get out of my house", but he says that he doesn't feel he can tell me he's getting stressed because that would just make me feel sad and he'd feel guilty.
I told myself last time and him that if he ever kicks me out like that again, I would leave him, but here we are and I am not leaving him. He seems to not understand the importance of communication and instead finds every reason he can to avoid it.