The Forever Journey

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 440
"Hello"
Made some small steps today. Cleaned my desk, did the trash, did some laundry. And did a small workout.

I've developed anxiety about doing Darebee workouts. I almost quit right away on this exercise. My theory is that I feel scared about "being a failure" and I want to give up early on because I don't "Feel like it" because that's easier to deal with than failing after I truly try. But I made myself do it. It was interesting how much of a reaction I was having (heart was racing, and not from the exercise, but just from the mental aspect of it). It's so odd that I've developed anxiety around this. But the anxiety won't get better on its own, I have to do something about it. I told myself "This is how progress is made, by doing it even when it's hard".

I Showed Up - Level 1

Weight: 253.5
 

Gandhalfit

Well-known member
Druid from TLV
Pronouns: You there
Posts: 915
"Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being... it is up to all of us to become his moral superior. Vetinari/Pratchett"
Nice work on I showed up and that is exactly the right approach. Nice going on a mental level up.
May I suggest though, next time you are faced with similar fears, try being a "failure". Honestly, it's only a feeling and once you are over it you can move on. Sometimes we cannot complete the training but that's okay. If we keep trying we have succeeded because, in the end you are competing only with yourself.

Maybe it'll be easier through an example... I flunked out at the first stage of Paramedic Training in the army. I was at my last year at high school and suffered insomnia and mediocre grades and that failure really hurt my self esteem. I got over it in time for high-school finals and Medics course tryouts though and, though I didn't feel like it at the time, tried my best. After more than a year into my mandatory service, I met one of the girls I met at Paramedics tryouts... she was a secretary at a medical base because she failed out later in the course and couldn't handle it.
Turns out, people who have a streak of successful events, can't handle failure but people who fail more than others, in their minds, tend to try harder and therefore, are mentally stronger.
I hope this helps...
 
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lofivelcro

Well-known member
Hunter from the sticks
Posts: 593
"Tomorrow do thy worst, for I have lived today"
Failure makes us go foward. It takes some time to learn that, but I'm one of those people who think that we learn the most by failing. Obviously, being successful is nice, too. But I guess it's the same with happiness. You also need to experience the lows and sad times to enjoy happiness. Same with failure.
Good job on showing up.
 

Fremen

Well-known member
Shaman from Italy
Posts: 3,115
"“Keep an eye on the staircases. They like to change.” Percy Weasley, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone."
I keep a series of really easy Darebee workouts on hand for when I don't feel like committing but still want to move a bit, I find it a good way to do something but without having to commit both physically and mentally :)
 

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 440
"Hello"
Hi guys. I finally got a new car! I had no car for a month! I've already been nonstop busy since I got it back. Trying to do everything all at once haha.

I went kickboxing yesterday for the first time in forever. Since I haven't really exercised much at all in over a month, I was very out of shape. The first round made me feel faint and my head was pounding. But somehow, the rest of the rounds were easier? My teacher even said, "You're getting a lot better. You used to start getting tired halfway through each round and saying you needed a break, but now you finished every round without saying that even once". It was a great thing to hear. Of course, my mind wanted to be mean to me and say "That's not because you have more stamina, it's just because you've learned not to go all out and expend all your energy in the beginning" - then my kinder side said "Well, isn't that a great thing to learn?! Means you're getting better at kickboxing!"

There was also a new guy there. Well, new to me. It was clear he's definitely gone to some of the classes while I've been away. He was very fit and young, perhaps early 20's, He had abs, nice arms, definitely worked out. So I thought he'd rip me apart. But I was shocked to find that I did better than he did. I mean, it makes sense because I've put several more months into kickboxing than he has, but it still made me shocked that I could best someone at a sport when they're so much more in shape/fit than I am! Practice really does matter more than just phisique! He was also very kind, and I'm just glad that everyone at kickboxing is such a sweetheart.

~

Today, I went to meet a stranger to look at some swimsuits she had. She has lost weight and so her clothes are too big for her now, but they are my size. I ended up trying on some shirts too, but came down to ask her how a shirt looked. I told her I liked the top but didn't like that my fat was showing (my love handles). She told me it looked good on me, then she started to tear up and say that I shouldn't tell myself I can't be confident. Somehow we talked enough that we both ended up crying. I think this is the first time I've exchanged tears with a stranger. But I feel so happy with the conversation we had. I wanted to give her a hug, but I didn't have the guts to haha because we are strangers. But I think we both touched each other and made each other feel better about our weight/bodies, so it was a great experience that I wasn't expecting.

Anyway, I did get a swimming top from her. So I am going swimming tonight with my boyfriend and my two friends/upcoming roommates. I look forward to it!
 

SkorpionUK

Well-known member
Sorceress from Germany
Posts: 302
"Building good habits"
I love this update!!

I had an exercise experience like this once - I used to be married to a guy who, while not fit exactly, was relatively slim and pretty good at running around in general. Cue my surprise when I swam circles around him (literally!) as we were learning to SCUBA dive. I just took to it so easily, I was surprised because I'm not a great swimmer. I'm taking from this that we all have activities we can excel at, and that body size does not correlate with skill or fitness.
 

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 440
"Hello"
Thank you everyone for following along with my little life stories haha :heart:

Swimming yesterday was fun. We spent about 1.5 hours in the pool. My friend J said that we should have a chicken fight. So my boyfriend and I kept trying to pick each other up in the water, but we kept losing our balance. My friend J is lighter than my boyfriend is, so in the end, I picked up J, and my boyfriend picked up K. Couple switching lol. The battle was long, but in the end, J and I lost </3

I kept trying to pick up my boyfriend after that, and I DID eventually pick him up. Just about drowned and broke my neck though haha! I'm only 5'0" and we were standing in 4.5ft pool and my mouth kept going under the water. And he kept moving around on my head and I'm like yep tonight is when I die. He and I lost the battle against J&K instantly haha. Our fights inspired others in the pool to try picking each other up too, it was a lot of fun haha.

I'm very glad that J & K are going to be my new roommates and that they get along with my boyfriend so well!

@OJJJEM You are too sweet to me :)
 

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 440
"Hello"
Kickboxed for 1.5 hours today. I was the only student today. Wednesdays are so dead compared to Mondays!

It was a good session, teacher spent the first half teaching me some stretches. I learned from the teacher that the "new young guy" is the son of the man who I've remarked acts like a supportive dad. Turns out he is actually a supportive dad. How fitting haha! It all makes sense now.

I learned today that either my roommate stole my new credit card, or they left the mailbox open again and a strangert stole it. Whoever it was, they spent $3000+ on it, but thankfully my credit card company called me to ask if it was fraud, and I said yes, so none of the charges went through. So that's good. But I was going to use my new card on my expensive dentist appointment tomorrow. My root canal is going to cost $1200, and if I spent $1000+ on the new credit card in the first 2 months, I'd have gotten a $200 signup bonus. But because of this theft, I am getting a new card delievered, and it's not going to arrive before my dentist appointment...So I'm losing the $200 bonus because of this, and it really sucks. This nightmare situation with my roommate is just never-ending... I can't believe it.

I have almost no money anymore. I spent all my savings on my downpayment on my new car. This just sucks, that when every penny is counting now, I am losing out on $200 that I had been banking on. Ugh. I have to be so careful now. I've never been in debt before (besides student loans), I've always been careful with my money, but now I'm so scared that I am going to end up having debt than I can't pay off by the end of the month. Fingers crossed...

I'm just grateful that I have things in my life to keep me from going over the edge. Cuddled my boyfriend this morning, had kickboxing which always leaves me feeling good, came home and cuddled my cat who purred a lot, have good memories of swimming with my friends yesterday. These are all so important to me and I'm so glad I have them, if I didn't then I'd give up. (Not as dire as it sounds, but like, I think I'd stop trying / I'd just do whatever without caring about the consequences, you know). Hopefully everything gets better once I'm finally away from this HORRRRIBLE roommate.
 

Gandhalfit

Well-known member
Druid from TLV
Pronouns: You there
Posts: 915
"Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being... it is up to all of us to become his moral superior. Vetinari/Pratchett"
Why would they leave a credit card in the mail box? And why don't the credit company/bank use safeguards?
When ever I got a new card I have to connect to my account and activate it from there so it can't be used before that.
Strange.
Anyway, good luck with the dentist.
 

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 440
"Hello"
@Gandhalfit I activated the card online, which I now know was dumb of me to do when I didn't have the actual card :/ I always put stuff like that off and wanted to do it early this time to combat procrastination. I never got a "delievered" notification so I thought the card would be coming within the next 24 hours, didn't realize it had been delievered already. Anyway, I got the new card now!

Didn't go to kickboxing yeseterday, but did make a lot of progress with moving stuff to my new house and organizing my new room a bit. Went up and down the stairs so many times that my legs were aching afterwards! So at least I still got some "exercise" in even if it's not deliberate exercise lol. I don't really think I'll go to kickboxing tomorrow either because I'll be moving the last of my stuff over to my new place, but we'll see.

I will be playing ping pong today at least! Woo!

Weight: 252.2, somehow? Even though I keep BINGING?! I guess this means I'm having less intense binges, which is something haha. The amount of shame remains the same though.
 

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 440
"Hello"
Woah! So exhausted. I was packing/cleaning at 2am yesterday. Got to the new house at 3pm, only took 1 hour worth of breaks in that time. Then cleaned, unpacked, etc. Then slept from 5:30pm - 10pm. Then at midnight, I immediately delved into working again, and now it's noon (12) and I have only taken an hour or two worth of breaks since waking up.

Was typing this to rest and then my roommate/friend asked me if I could drive her somewhere so she can pick up a birthday gift for her boyfriend ahhhhh!!! lol I'm going to eat lunch, take her on the errand, and then not move a single muscle for the rest of the day. Not a single one!!

~ I'd love to say, despite how hectic these past 30 hours have been, I feel so much more at peace here. These two are great, already so much better than my last roommate was. Chatted with the girl today at 3am about random stuff and it was so pleasant. Things finally feel right!
 

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 440
"Hello"
Had my surgery yesterday! I felt turdy for several hours after the surgery, but by evening, I felt a lot better. The pain and nausea come and go, but even the worst of the surgery pain is not nearly as bad as the worst of my gallstones pain was.

It really does seem like gallstones were the issue this whole time. I ate a hot dog yesterday and then felt normal after? I haven't been able to eat a hot dog and feel normal in YEARS. I'm still scared to get my hopes up, but logic/evidence points to my medical issues finally being resolved.

Also, apparently I didn't only have gallstones, but my gallbladder was failing too. That is why I have been getting fevers for the past year and infections and having daily back pain. Now I'm pretty mad at the ER from *a year ago* who opted not to give me surgery even though everyone at this new hospital said all of my symptoms point to being "very obviously my gallbladder"...hmm. The true American in me wants to sue that ER for being incompetent!! XD (just kidding, but wow!)

My boyfriend has been such a great help during this recovery period. I genuinely don't know what I'd have done without him.

I haven't finished getting everything from my old apartment packed, but he said he'd get the rest for me. It's just a chair, my Ethernet cable, and one bag, so hopefully it won't be too much of a bother for him. He's the best :angel:

I was hoping to do at least minor seated exercises, but it hurts a lot to move my torso, so I guess I'm just gonna be inactive as heck for the next week or two. So no exercise updates from me for a while </3

The hospital took my weight and it was 247? Not sure if the scales differ in accuracy or if it's a big weight fluctuation
Edit: Boyfriend's scale today said 253! interesting. In any case, I'm absolutely determined not to get above 255 again. :)
 
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Gandhalfit

Well-known member
Druid from TLV
Pronouns: You there
Posts: 915
"Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being... it is up to all of us to become his moral superior. Vetinari/Pratchett"
I hope you will make a full recovery soon and that the problem was in fact taken care of.
And have fun in your new apartment 😁👍
 

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 440
"Hello"
Thank you everyone :heart:

It feels like everything in my life is suddenly starting to go right! I'm staying with my boyfriend for longer than planned as he helps me sit up and pick up things I drop and stuff. Luckily, my friend/roommate J said he doesn't mind looking after my cat for me and that I can stay with my boyfriend as long as I need. :cheeky:

I applied for a job where I will be able to help elderly people out by driving them places, doing chores with them, or just giving them company. My application should be approved right around when I'll be healed from surgery. I think I may also try to be an Uber driver now that I have a car that meets the qualifications for it. Silver linings in everything, huh?

I ate a hot pocket this morning and it didn't give me pain or nausea...I AM fixed! Woo!!
:celeb:

~
Weight: 255, but I haven't been eating excessively. I think it's normal to gain some weight after surgery temporarily??
 

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 440
"Hello"
On Thursday, my boyfriend and I went to a fair. I wanted to stay for less than an hour, but I got distracted by a bunch of animals and we walked around for over 2 hours. That made me so tired, and it made my stomach feel like it was burning. I finally got back to my house on Friday. I feel like I just want a bunch of rest and nothing else, I don't think I've been resting nearly as much as I should have been. My boyfriend and I even went back to my old apartment Friday morning to finish getting the rest of the stuff out of my apartment. I even hung out with some friends that day to say goodbye. I also had to get a tow truck for my old broken car. And have been making a bunch of phone calls and applying for jobs. Blah blah blah.

My roommate J keeps coming to my room to tell me he made more progress on the house, then I get up and look at it, and he and his girlfriend and I will talk for 15-20 minutes. (It's only ~3 times a day but it's still draining me). I need to gather up the guts to tell him today to not come to my room today because I really can't keep expending all this energy that I don't have. It's catching up to me now. I wish I were in a better state so I could enthuse about the house with them properly lol.

I feel so tired of walking around that I don't even want to go walk to the kitchen to check my weight today. Maybe I will later, I'll need to go in the kitchen again for food at some point in time. I can say with confidence that my gallbladder was the issue though. I no longer feel pain or throw up after eating. Even when it's super greasy food. I am cured!

Have a video of me petting a fair goat.


 

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 440
"Hello"
The scale switches between saying I weigh 250.8 and 251.6 depending on where I place it and if I slap it. It still seems pretty low to me. I have this problem with the scale on occasion, where it ranges what number it says depending on if it's been slapped or not (usually differs by 3-4 pounds not just 1 pound). Untrustworthy little thing! But it's at least in the ball range of having my accurate weight, so I won't buy a new one yet.

Couch Potato

Thank you Bees for beeing so supportive!
:pose:
 

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 440
"Hello"
Boyfriend's scale said I weighed 256 the day after my last post, and now my scale also says 256! So I do think it was off last week. I strongly dislike that I went above 255 again, but today's been a good day. I've been drinking way more water. Well, going from zero water to actually drinking like 2-3 bottles a day (plus drinking a bunch of coffee and some herbal tea). Actually grabbed baby carrots to snack on tonight instead of going out and buying chips? WOO!

I love, love, love, LOVE having access to a kitchen again. It feels so nice to be able to go to the kitchen and actually make myself sandwiches and not feel anxious while doing so. I still have cravings and keep eating in excess, but it's better today.

I'm almost entirely healed from the surgery. I will try to find a good hiking spot here in my new state. Losing that amazing trail back in my previous home is the saddest part about moving. I loved that place. But it's exciting to be able to explore new places, so it's not all that bad. I also need to find a new gym, but I highly doubt there are any good free ones in this city :/ Maybe I'll get a membership once I start a new job.
 

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 440
"Hello"
Got some good news. If anyone remembers, many months ago, I posted about a new trail I had gone to. I really enjoyed that trail, but it was over an hour away from where I used to live. Last night, it dawned on me that it's way closer to where I live now. I looked it up and it's actually only 15 minutes away! So that will be my new default hiking spot. But I need to get some new clothes for it, because the last time I went, it put 2 holes in my pants and 2 holes in my shoes. It's a toughie, that one! Maybe I should just go with shorts. I have a high pain tolerance, so I'd rather my legs get scratched than have to keep buying new pants, lol.

ALSO! It dawned on me that I can still access the gym in my old city. I visit my boyfriend on weekdays, and I'm just on my laptop when he's at work. I could be going to the gym while he's at work!! Duh!!! Silly me. I can ALSO go to the old trail here when he's at work, or maybe he'll finally go with me sometime. So I haven't really lost access to the awesome trail and gym here! They'll just be much less frequent visits.

AoS - Day 3 complete!

Weight: 256.1 - I struggle so much with binging </3 at least I'm not binging fast food lately, that's a plus.
 

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 440
"Hello"
For 8/11:

I WENT TO THE GYM! It's been so long! My beautiful Kansan gym!
I did SO much better than I thought I would. I figured I would be starting from zero again, but nope! I could still do 3mph on the treadmill no problem! My cardio seems to not have taken much of a hit at all. Though my strength certainly has lol.

Stair machine - 18 flights (15 minutes)
Treadmill - 0.64 miles (15 minutes)
Exercise bike - 1.25 miles (10 minutes)

Chest press - 3x11 (40 pounds), 1x10 (50 pounds)
Lateral raises - 3x8 (5 pounds)

Weight: 256.6
 
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