Fires of Unknown Origin

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

Good morning bees. I have no better place to put this.

I went to bed early last night and was out like a light when a call came from my parents’ house. When I came to this morning, a message was waiting. I returned the call and my dad said “we’ll tell you when you get here”.

I rushed over this morning after breakfast and got the bad news: My sister passed away yesterday. So much for fully reconciling with her, among other things.

This thread will stay open but I don’t expect to be posting here for the next few days because some schedule clearing needs to be done. If there is a gap in my FL progress, please assume I either cleared that day or modified my way through. There will not a catch-up post.

I’m sorry to be breaking this to the bees, but I’m not having the easiest time handling the shock (part of me wants to cry but can’t), so space is needed for the next week approximately.

 

[HellYeah]

 

[Tileenah]

this is sad news... I send you all my condolences and sympathy

 

[CODawn]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[TheLibrarian]

 

[Fremen]

 

[BetaCorvi]

 

[Froud]

I am very sorry for you

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

Thank you everyone. It's been a difficult week plus to say the very least, especially considering that some of my feelings are still conflicted, a conversation that is best left between me and my life coach.

June 3, 2023

Foundation Light Day 14

10 step extensions, 10 step jacks, 10 side jacks; 3 sets

There was also approximately 35 minutes of walking involved as I had to partially cover a work shift this afternoon; one of my work colleagues didn't properly inform the managers of his high school graduation ceremony this afternoon, was scheduled in as a consequence, and only then asked for the time off. He is apparently a known dolt because I heard some complaining from those same managers the other day that this is far from his first offense with following protocol for known schedule conflicts, so he may not be long for my store. I could have cared less because in effect I got to pocket some of his money by doing a partial shift cover (sorry, not sorry).

Notes

The previous week plus has been a confusing mess...haven't been eating or sleeping particularly well. Apparently, it's a lot worse for my sister's husband (is there a male version of a widow? I don't know what it is...), and how to support him going forward is not processing too good, either.

Confidence wasn't doing too good, so had to cycle back to a routine that I knew I could handle reasonably well. I'm not really sure I'm doing the step extensions correctly, but I think I might have mentioned before that there isn't really a recourse there: The video library doesn't go far enough because with the way my brain functions, I need spoken instructions along with the demonstration, preferably spoken live on camera, but I also am out of ideas for other apps/platforms I can use because I have been alienated by them in some form or another (another story for another day).

At work the banter between cashiers has been getting borderline brutal lately, which of course was inevitably going to get me involved with the mood I've been in. The other day, my first day back after the funeral, I waited on consecutive colleagues at one point. The latter is being trained as a customer service rep, a role that I was passed over for but am fine with knowing how my mental capacities work (my managers are not idiots and sometimes I wonder how they get through workdays, never mind work weeks).

The first colleague said to his peer as I was waiting on him, "We love (meaning appreciate) you, Anastasia." This was 100% with merit because Anastasia recently got associate of the month honors for May, landing a US$50 store gift card for her efforts.

Seeing my opening, I told him, "At least somebody does."

The response was satisfactory: "Damn."

The second colleague takes her turn to be waited on. "Are we feeling a bit brutal today?"

The response she got was also satisfactory for her purposes: "Of course I appreciate you, Anastasia. And yes, my banter can get brutal. When you work retail long enough, cashier banter can become a competitive sport."

"Yeah, it does," was the response.

 

[Tileenah]

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

Thank you @Tileenah and all the other bees who have offered support. It’s appreciated very much.

June 4, 2023

Unplanned rest day. My body let me know in no uncertain terms that the difficulty of the last week plus has taken a toll on it. I think I might have said yesterday that I hadn’t been sleeping or eating particularly well; I think last night was the first time I’ve slept like a baby in a long while.

Notes

This was just as well. We got a big rainfall Friday night into Saturday, and today there were still off and on showers, so helping my parents with yard work never got off the ground, allowing me to take time to pull myself together again. I head back to my flat tomorrow.

Thoughts going forward are to take a run at finishing Foundation Light in some fashion…some improvising might be needed, I fear. I need to improve my eating too, but that part is very touchy: Counting calories is a non-starter because it’s a trigger, and I’m not really sure what else I can do. Can’t afford a registered dietitian right now because my life coach is using up those funds, and helping with my intake isn’t in her scope of practice. She can help with behavior changes perhaps, but I would need more.

Small story from work: A colleague I know was going around with removable tattoos for Pride Month this month. She asked if I wanted one.

“I would have preferred one for Mental Health Awareness Month,” I told her. That was last month, and it was a disaster for me this year.

To her credit, my colleague wasn’t stupid. She correctly took that answer as code for “no”, but then said, “True (acknowledging my argument), but nobody gave me any of those.”

At least someone else recognized that Mental Health Awareness Month exists. She quietly moved on, I went back to work, and no harm was done.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

June 5, 2023

Foundation Light Day 15

5 bridges, 5-count bridge hold, 5 prone reverse flies, 5 W-extensions, 5 prone reverse flies; 3 sets

Also about 15 minutes of walking.

Notes

Food intake wasn't good today which has been a theme...feeling a bit helpless there. That's the bad news.

The good news: Got the FL routine in before work today. Bridges were fine. The rest was what it was; this isn't a great time for me to be asking form questions because of what I would need for answers (think videos with spoken instruction), so I'm just taking my best shots at it and calling it good. Also had a decent shift at work, which is always good for my morale.

I bought a pair of tweezers after work today. One of the things I do in my spare time are diamond dot pictures, and I need a pair to move errant diamonds without ruining the image that I'm working on. It takes a lot of work and patience, but I am finding it calming. My life coach suggested the idea a few months ago. It fell off the wagon a little when life felt like it was going south on so many levels, but they still have a spot on my table.

A bit of a rainy and dreary week is developing where I am in Massachusetts, but we didn't have much rain last month and fire warnings had been in effect for the better part of a week, so I'll take the trade.

 

[CODawn]

What a cool hobby! Props were patience and steady hands. I have neither!

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

@CODawn my sets actually have a drill for the purpose of placing the diamonds which are pretty small. And yes, it does require a level of patience. It's very time intensive. Key for me is making sure I bought images that wouldn't trigger, so I went with some pictures that mostly depict sunset-type scenes.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

May 7, 2023

Foundation Light Day 16

10 upward leg extensions, 6 side leg extensions, 6 straight leg extensions, 10 leg swings; 3 sets

The middle set came the closest to what the program depicted. Tendon strength exercises for me feel difficult.

Notes

Dumb David Tricks: Yesterday I went to a coffee hour in my complex that I had no business trying to attend; my headspace was in no position to even chat with the small group that normally frequents it. Making the gaffe worse was that it was somebody's birthday -- not mine -- and I was no mood for the cake that had been made for her, either. The only good that came from it was that I finally had the good cry over the death of my sister I had been waiting on for two weeks once back in my unit. The rest went to hell.

Suffice it to say I didn't try to go to said coffee hour this morning.

There is a bit of a lull with my work shifts. This is either a plus or a minus depending on how you see it. For me it's a minus, but I can understand the reasoning: I had four shifts last week and my workplace allows for bereavement leave for passing of family members, which would explain why I don't have a shift again until Saturday. It's not the best -- helping others on the line has been better for my healing -- but long term, now that I think about it, being able to have a cry on my terms, away from the supermarket floor, does more good than harm.

In the meantime, I'm relearning the game One Deck Dungeon (think Dungeons and Dragons for people who hate real Dungeons and Dragons), and doing some digging for talking points with my life coach. I have a scheduled session with her on Friday. She's been an absolute trooper the last two sessions, and I mean that in the best way possible.

 

[Tileenah]

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

June 8, 2023

Foundation Light Day 17

8 side jacks and 2 side leg raises (left/right) four times over; 3 sets

Chair assist used for the side leg raises as balance is suspect on my right side. Otherwise, all was well with this one. Didn't try to make it "fast pace cardio"; making this work for me will need to be the name of the game here.

Notes

Headspace today felt iffy. Told my life coach in a text what I wanted to talk about (for clues, see yesterday's post), and she agreed that we needed to explore it.

Dumb David Tricks: I finally remembered to buy batteries for some of my apartment stuff today (think my kitchen timer and the remote for my air conditioner, among others). Have been meaning to do it for a month. Men....need I say more?

Got my tax refund in the mail. Depositing that tomorrow. That will allow me to do a decent amount of walking (only about 15 minutes of that today) with my cane, and hopefully I can run up a 3-day streak while I'm at it.

 

[mossy]

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

June 11, 2023

Notes

Not great on the Darebee front — consistency appears to be a problem — but didn’t exactly sit around eating Bon-Bons all day either (not that I would, I hate those things!).

My federal tax refund came in, so that went into the bank on foot. Ditto a grocery run, since a market is near my apartment for those days when I don’t have it in me to shop while off the clock at my workplace. These happened on Friday.

The big surprise was helping my parents with trimming. Using the grip end of a broom as a walking stick and respecting that going slower is my normal now, I hung in for two hours solid sweeping, picking up, and disposing of hedge and dead branch trimmings into a yard bag (which we were able to sufficiently fill). It’s surprising because all I needed was some time to stretch my legs out afterward (given) while my not-so-smart dad knocked himself out from a) starting at least half an hour later than he should have and b) doing an even worse job of self-care than I am. We could have continued for another hour or more if he’d just get his head on straight, but he has conceded he’s stupid and you can’t cure stupid.

This week I work the back half, Wednesday to Saturday. It’s not optimal, but if I hadn’t said something I would have been stuck with something like nine hours this week, and I won’t be able afford squat with that kind of schedule.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

June 12, 2023

Foundation Light Day 18

8 wall half squats, 8-count wall half-squat hold, 8 step back/step-ups, 16 standing W-extensions, 16 bicep extensions, 16 standing W-extensions; 3 sets

Notes

Wall squats felt good this time. Used a chair assist for step back/step-ups.

Today was dedicated to closing up some routine loose ends, most of it involving paying bills. It’s not easy making ends meet on a minimum wage job (it should tell you how rough prices are these days when US$15 an hour is minimum wage).

From a visit he made over the weekend (for which he was welcomed with open arms), I discovered my late sister’s husband likes to play the app Words with Friends (one of several Scrabble variants out there that use, among other things, different board patterns so that they don’t get the pants sued off of them like Scrabulous was). Today, I invited him to a game, which was accepted immediately. The point of the exercise is to help him cope.

Actually, now that I think about it some more, it helps me too. There’s strife enough in the outside world right now, and even though I barely listen to the news anymore, avoiding all of it is not possible. So if there’s something small I can lean on to protect this fragile headspace without breaking my wallet, I’m in.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

June 13, 2023

Notes

Today went upside-down immediately when I heard a thud at five in the morning. I had slept at my parents' last night to assist with some computer trouble (for what it's worth, their old desktop was about a month behind on updates with Microsoft Windows, and it's not their fault...Windows is a very clunky platform, which is why Linux has its fans. Linux is harder to use but much more secure).

One of the beams on the bed frame basically fell out of place, causing both mattress and bed spring to collapse and leaving me lying uphill, far from a comfortable position to be sleeping in. I tried to work around it, but that was futile. I basically was awake at the crack of stupid.

So...after an eye-opener and finishing updating the computer I had to fix the frame that came loose. Biggest problem with that was getting the mattress and box spring out of the way, which I had to do very carefully because it is super easy to get hurt if it's done wrong. The fact that without a walking stick I move with a hobble doesn't help. To counter, I had to act like I was 90 years old, moving both extremely carefully in parts and taking my time. I didn't ask for help because I work better when I am allowed to think the problem through on my own terms.

Once those were moved, what I thought was a broken beam was really just nails that fell out, but without the beam the mattress and box spring simply wouldn't hold; it was as simple as that. A hammer is one of the few tools I feel okay about using safely, so getting the beam nailed in again was just a matter of patience which I usually have plenty of. I'm not sure how long my work is going to hold for, but the mattress and box spring appeared to be sitting okay when I finally guided them back into the bed frame, so it will do for now.

Between that and the unhappy early wake-up call, I was basically in a daze and made no attempt at today's FL workout (bad). But I was able to deduce that I am having problems with expectations and told my life coach in a text that this needs to explored when we talk on Friday night.

"Got it," came the confirmation. Working with her on this might help.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

June 18, 2023

Some 30-35 minutes of walking. Extra time involved to go across town to celebrate US Father’s Day tomorrow (I mention US a lot on things like this for the sake of international bees, as holidays are not universal).

Notes

There’s a reason this has stalled: The disordered eating patterns are back with a vengeance. I’ve been feeling fat a lot this week.

I have little doubt I’ve given back weight that I can I’ll afford to lose, and with no concept of what constitutes healthy habits the situation feels desperate to say the least.

Coach Angela, my life coach, successfully uncovered that there is a double problem involved with using food as a crutch and with my anxiety disorder. She was correct on both fronts, but can’t help with what I need the most because it not in her scope of practice.

Knowing I’m left to search on my own because of my idiot of a doctor, I forced myself to search several places, found myself priced out of most of them, and then looked into 1st Phorm, which has an app that apparently has a couple of registered dietitians on the staff from what their support team has told me. That might help, but I would need someone who specializes in disordered eating (duh), and there are no advisor profiles to help. It’s US$13/month to take a gamble that will certainly make me feel helpless if it doesn’t work out.

My heart doesn’t feel good about being matched without first getting a consult, and so far crickets there. But I can tell I’m running out of time to make a move. Do I pull the trigger anyway?

Thoughts?

 

[Tileenah]

lots of sympathy for what you're going through...
As I have no idea what your eating disorder is and you seem to struggle with what portions you should eat of what, have you tried looking at food recommandations guidelines? I don't know how it works in the united states : in France there are guidelines edited from a national agency in which they tell how much of what type of macronutriments one should eat (proteins, glucids and fat), which types are better and recommend 5 fruits or veggies a day for vitamins (which can be hard when you're on a budget). Maybe there are associations of people struggling with eating disorders that could help you? Lots of

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

June 18, 2023

Notes

Happy US Father’s Day to all the dads out there, first of all.

Strategically, today was a total loss. My older brother and his sons (my nephews) came over for a visit. His kids are a handful and their dad is a bad disciplinarian, which comes as no surprise to me because my dad was guilty of same (and I will never forgive him for that). The result is three hours that basically knocked me and my parents out, me by far the worst as self-care has not been going well (see yesterday’s post).

On a slightly better note, one of 1st Phorm’s RDs reached out by email this morning; from all indications they agree that since their webpage has no profiles I should be given a fair chance to do my homework — they call it scouting — for possible fit before I pull the trigger. She offered to have a preliminary chat over Zoom, which I am familiar with. I replied by telling her some basics about the situation and added that if she felt I was reachable she could probe for possible fit. We’ll see where that goes.

Other small bit of “good” news: We had gotten enough rain yesterday and last night that any attempt at yard work today would have been a waste of time. I’ll stay with my parents an extra day in case they decide to try again tomorrow (next work shift is Tuesday and dad has indicated he’d like to try) before heading back to my flat. This part just is: There’s no sugarcoating that I have two homes right now, but at least there’s a roof over my head either way. Some aren’t so lucky.

 

[CODawn]

I hope Phorm works out for you!

 

[Mamatigerj]

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

June 19, 2023

Some 45 minutes on my feet sweeping my parents’ driveway.

Notes

“Hey, who fertilized the field?”

You would be forgiven for asking this after seeing a wild turkey roam my parents’ driveway from time to time today. It left some pretty big…ahem, defecations, leaving my dad to clean them up as I can’t touch my toes (and will be lucky if I ever do anytime soon).

Today felt very disorganized and upside-down. Definitely paying full price for questionable at best self-care recently. It’s hard when pieces feel missing.

Katie, one of the RDs at 1st Phorm, followed up this morning. She acknowledged that logging food may not be the best idea at first because it has triggered me before, but she does have some of her followers journal food entries as an alternative, which would help me help her get a grip if she decides it’s worth taking a shot at what I termed a reclamation project, referring to myself. We’ll see what she says. The fact that her team was willing to find a workaround for someone who doesn’t have FB or IG anymore deserves props on its own.

I have work shifts the next three days. These could get interesting because I seem to be on a snark streak. I’ve been watching a lot of Statler and Waldorf of late (if you don’t know who they are, look them up):

“Do you suppose they have any life on other planets?”

“What do you care? You don’t have any life on this one!”

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

June 20, 2023

Foundation Light Day 19

16 march steps and 4 inclined plank leg raises, three times over; 3 sets. Chair assist used for march steps.

There was also about 15 minutes of walking involved on the way back from my work shift.

Notes

Katie, one of the RDs at 1st Phorm, was successful in getting me matched up to her last night. She's aware that my relationship with food is in a bad place and also knows that I won't be a quick fix because inevitably we'll have to work on my relationship with exercise too. They don't have a trial period so I did have to pony up US$13 to get going, but the alternative -- trying to figure it out on my own -- has only served to make matters worse. Reality is I had to get a professional involved.

Logging food is a land mine, but to give Katie a rough picture of what is going on I did it anyway today. It wasn't fun. It will clearly show that the days I work, like today, are going pretty badly. But the more info I give her, the better the ideas she will have and the more I can work at it in exchange to find solutions.

As for said work shift, it went well for working my line, but dang did I feel...snarky with my banter towards my colleagues. My manager said hello as she passed by early into my shift and was promptly greeted with one of the possible opening lines upon starting a new game of Medieval Madness pinball:

"It's a great day for jousting!"

Which made her double over laughing. She would laugh harder if I told her that I sometimes dream of jousting in shopping carts (which has been done, if you can believe that).

I could probably write my own book: "101 Ways to Keep Your Sanity (or Not) While Working Retail", if I really wanted to. With my luck it would be a best seller...among illiterates.

Yes, you can laugh at me for that one.

 

[CODawn]

Write the book!

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

June 23, 2023

Foundation Light Day 20

5-count raised leg hold, 10 leg raises, 10 high leg raises (each leg); 10 move side-to-side, 10 raised leg circles, 5-count raised leg hold (each leg). 3 rounds of all of that.

Notes

Ugh, I had to basically pull my pant leg for…Every. Single. Rep on my right leg. That my bad side, and it didn’t like a single second of this. No help needed on the left side.

This was probably the best day I’ve had this week, which is not saying much when you feel like you’ve been hit by a truck (did anybody get the license number?). Katie at 1P (1st Phorm) is proving to be a strong fit to fill in some blanks: She has worked with people who have eating disorders or disordered eating patterns, and I’m going to need that expertise of hers. This won’t be an overnight fix.

On a better note, I took full advantage of an off day from work and went for walks, two of them. One was to do grocery shopping, which was a good thing because I was able to pick up some apples and veggies, among other things, to help get this plane off the ground for once in my life (yes, I’m in a self-deprecating mood today). More needs to be done, but it’s a start.

Tomorrow my brother-in-law visits my parents for dinner. I am spending the next couple of days there for that and other purposes, assuming Mother Nature gives us a break (thunderstorms are in the forecast for Sunday here).

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

June 24, 2023

Foundation Light Day 21

10 march steps, 4 calf raises, 10 march steps, 4 side jacks*, 10 march steps, 4 side leg raises; 3 sets

* I am aware that the actual plan says march twists, but I had to modify for the lack of balance on my bad side. Chair assist used for march steps.

Notes

Today my brother-in-law came over for dinner. Trying to track meals for Katie the RD is a lot harder when I don't get to do the cooking, but I have decided to run the risk of possibly triggering myself because if Katie has a picture of what's going on, she can do the guidance so I can do the work.

Said brother-in-law proceeded to kick my tail at Connect Four, winning four games out of seven (and two of his losses were gifted to me). His late wife, according to him, termed their friendly games matches for the championship of the world. I told him I could laugh but won't because there probably is such a thing if I dared to look into it. It seems like there are world championships for just about anything that can be quantified, some more admirable than others.

It wasn't a great day for activity other than the workout because we had light rain up here this morning, and then the air basically felt like a sauna. I will stay one more day with my parents because helping them on Sunday has become habit, but if it stays this humid that won't get far either. My dad can't tolerate conditions where it's hard for him to breathe. I can't blame his caution. He's 74 and clearly out of shape (but at least he's not as heavy as he was).

I'm trying to get some more hours at work, but it looks like incompetence from higher-ups is getting in the way. The person responsible for scheduling my department, who has been charitably called scatterbrained by the HR lady who hired me, only put me in for two days this week. After mulling over whether to call the store to ask what was going on, I gave the place a call anyway, hoping not to come off as greedy.

By chance, my manager, who happens to be higher up on the totem pole, picked up. I asked if something was going on because I only had two days scheduled, and the response eased any panic in my head: "She did it again?"

Apparently, my manager believes I should be getting three at the minimum, four or more would be better. I'm not exactly her model employee because since I don't drive some of my availability is cut short by the bus schedule (do not tell me to look into Uber or Lyft because I will not listen to you). But she thinks highly enough of me to give what she can.

I expect whoever is doing the scheduling to get the book thrown at her, though. This isn't the first time.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

June 25, 2023

Foundation Light Day 22

16 flutter kicks, three times over.

Also close to two hours outside sweeping and raking up hedge trimmings. Didn't finish because the skies opened up for just long enough to make the trimmings too wet to put in the yard bag without ruining the thing. If storms hold off, this will be finished tomorrow morning before I go back to the apartment.

Notes

Reason #49 why I hired a registered dietitian to help me feel better about my body: My fat AF parents didn't even last 45 minutes this morning outside, which forced me to wait for my younger brother to turn up so most of the actual trimming could be finished. There's a tendency among my extended family to give up on their lives, and true to form my parents are following their lead. And they wonder why I won't go out with them on their Friday lunch excursions (I'm not wondering, and I'm not taking any questions about that).

Katie the RD listened to my concerns about my protein intake because my observation from my logs (I hate doing it because for me it's hard and on days like this when I don't do the cooking it's an absolute crapshoot, but I'm risking triggering myself because she can't help me if I can't help her) and shared a photo of one of the protein supplements that 1st Phorm offers. This is all well and good because that's who she works for and by extension part of her job, when needed, is promoting their products. But I looked into the supplement, in question -- a protein powder that you can find in a supermarket, a CVS-type store, or online -- and it's US$60. For one bottle that doesn't look much bigger than the larger ones I have seen from just browsing shelves over the years. I'm not sure I want to cough up that much for something that I'm likely going to have to order again in a month. I'd also have to order US$75 worth of stuff just to get free shipping, so for all the expertise the platform offers...dang, their line of products is expensive.

I might have to think of something else there.

Meanwhile, my brother-in-law asked during a Words With Friends 2 game today if I played chess. I told him the truth: I've tried a few times, but the logic of it continually goes over my head. Chess.com does offer lessons, but to get to the good content costs for me a pretty penny considering the hours I'm working right now. My manager recognized today that I deserve more hours in giving me a third shift this week...but as mentioned yesterday the lady doing the scheduling -- who isn't my manager -- is a bit of a dolt. I am fearing an uphill battle there.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

June 26, 2023

An hour and a half raking the rest of the hedge trimmings from yesterday and sweeping enough dust and dirt from my dad’s basement to make dust bunnies for both of my parents and myself. Unfortunately I paid a price for this, see below.

Notes

The air quality up here in Massachusetts is quite atrocious right now…there is the threat of scattered thunderstorms all week long. I fear we will need widespread ones to break this mugginess.

Still, my dad read my conscience perfectly: He let me finish cleaning up the yard work from yesterday knowing that if I didn’t I would not be able to live it down. I was later vindicated by a spot shower later in the afternoon.

The basement sweep was a necessity because I was asked to a few days ago. My parents recently had to replace both their furnace and A/C (they guesstimated they’re out US$20K…yikes!), and dad felt he did a bad job sweeping his space (not surprising seeing as how he is paying full price for the way he has treated his body). Well…you weren’t wrong, Pops, but I’m keeping my mouth shut on that.

The problem with this is that even though this was done before lunch, combined with what I had done yesterday I could tell my mental capacities were very off after I was done. Besides the obvious implication that my water intake needs improvement, the headspace for claiming any other workout promptly went to some dark place in a jungle, not to return on this day.

So much for my hopes of getting a long streak going, but the upcoming AMA is no use to me because I have no way of checking the moderators’ credentials, a necessary step before anything fitness related comes out of my mouth. I guess this is how it is when you’re afraid to shoot in the dark.

I told Katie at 1P that there are definite mindset problems in play, so I am in a spot where I need to be patient for what she has to say. Not really sure what my options are otherwise for resources right now that I feel I can reasonably trust.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

June 28, 2023

A walk of about 15 minutes, which was all my body could tolerate. See below.

Notes

I don’t really know what’s going on, but I’ve had to hit the pause button again. The last 36 hours has been very scary.

The other night — on Monday night — I had a terrible nightmare in which it felt like I was falling through my bed.

It’s very possible my body told me something, because in hindsight I’m sure my bad hip, on the right, gave out. My help with the bush trimmings was appreciated, but there was no good way to gather the branches that fell on the property of my parents’ neighbor. Fearing that she would come to take my head off if I didn’t clean it up, I had to resort to picking up trimmings by hand because any other way took too much of her mulch along with it.

This led to only getting four hours of sleep…before a day that I had to show at 10am for work. When you don’t sleep well and it feels like everything hurts, it’s not a good time to poke the bear. But one of my colleagues dared to do so, teasing me that I didn’t need my apartment and I could just sleep on register lane #3 if I wanted to.

I was not amused. My colleague did this while I was helping a customer, and when I was done with the customer and had my line clear, I let her have it.

“COME HERE, YOU!”

I was loud enough to be heard halfway across the store. How it didn’t get me in trouble, I still don’t know. “May a desert dog drag a dead cow into your bedroom!”

Those of you who remember the Johnny Carson era of The Tonight Show might remember his Carnac the Magnificent segments. That was one of the many “curses” he laid on the audience when they didn’t like one of his jokes.

The desired effect was produced. The rest of the department left me alone after that, and it felt like the longest four hour shift I’ve ever done. I looked exhausted because I felt exhausted, and by the time I got a run going I complained to a couple of the customers that they needed to get their tails in three hours ago.

Having a run early in the shift would have done a lot to deflect the massive storm going on in my head, but that didn’t come.

I told my Angela the life coach what happened — I need her to explore this — and when Katie the dietitian invited me to AHA (ask her anything), I waited until this morning to send her a couple of questions about my sleep patterns which haven’t been great even before Monday night came along.

The sleep part of the puzzle feels like the easiest to fix, and she had made a couple of 1P announcements about it, so it’s a good time to run with that. That’s about the only good thing from a pair of days that otherwise can be charitably called disasters.

 

[Tileenah]

not enough sleep + pain is just awful...

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

Exactly @Tileenah. Nobody needs to tell me that the safer play would have been to call out, but that’s not in my temperament…and it didn’t help that some of my fellow cashiers don’t understand the concept of holding your tongue when you need to (aka “if I want your take on something I’ll ask you for it”).

So, yeah…didn’t want or need the whole sequence, but the angst can’t be bottled in all the time.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

July 1, 2023

About 45 minutes of walking. It's...been a week. See below.

Notes

The last few days have only been good for making me feel fragile. On US Independence Day, which is Tuesday, the bus route that I basically rely on is going to be diverted to the boondocks because of a parade that goes right through the heart of downtown. Knowing this plus the fact that it's running on a Sunday schedule, I tried to ask if I could simply not be scheduled then.

But the dolt who is doing the scheduling is apparently doing it from home, and she put me on anyway. I've already been told by my parents that they're not going to play chase the wild goose to pick me up, so FML; it looks like I am going to have to swallow a strike against me. There might be other ways to handle this but my head is in no place to think about them: I've also had to escalate the ongoing hours dispute to the lady that hired me, explaining to her that if customers and my immediate supervisors tell me I'm one of their better cashiers, the hours I am getting tell a far different story. I also demanded an audience (read: meeting) with whoever is doing the scheduling. We'll see how that goes (I'm not optimistic).

Happier news: Coach Angela was all ears when I told her I needed to talk about my sleep patterns last night. It was a good session to have because my coach is a listener first and understand how to carefully probe to get the information she needs to get. She suggested setting up a boundary to shut down my screens as a starting point, and is open to discussing the topic more. Katie is helping too, but Katie's reality at 1P is that she is basically the captain of a whole team of users there and can only handle messages in the order that they come in because she basically doesn't have a choice. It's asking her far too much to tell her how high to jump, and the only reason why she got implicated is because in her posts on the 1P app she was talking about sleep a lot this week.

The relationship with food hasn't improved, but that's going to have to wait. Normalizing the sleep pattern will have to take priority for now because my comparison it feels like the easiest puzzle piece to fix.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

July 3 and 4, 2023

Foundation Light Days 23 and 24

6 wall squats, 6-count wall squat hold, 6 wall squats, 20-count raised arm hold, 10 arm circles, 20-count raised arm hold; 3 sets (done on 7/3)

14 upward leg extensions and 10-count upward leg extension hold (both sides), then 14 straight leg raises and 10-count leg raise hold (both sides); 3 sets (done on 7/4)

Notes

Against my better judgment, I've been taking the college try at logging my food intake at 1P (1st Phorm) over the last couple of weeks. Predictably, the results indicated a need for serious help. Katie is aware that she has her cut work out for her: A lot of her message replies have come via video because it's more time-efficient for her considering what she needs to cover and reinforce with me. I told her today that said videos are fine with me and that there is nothing to stop her on that front because I know on some concepts she'll probably have to show me visually to get one of her points to click. Blame how my brain works.

Monday's workout was a pleasant surprise...I didn't have to modify even though inconsistency might as well be my middle name...can you say Dumb David Tricks? (Apologies to @CODawn...I had to steal that from you my fellow bee.)

Today's was significantly harder. Way longer than 2 minutes taken between sets, and attempting raised leg swings felt like a gamble. It rained off and on today, making outdoor activity of any kind dead on arrival, and it just felt like a bummer of a day. I wanted to take a work shift today, but a parade that goes right through the heart of Wakefield Center diverted the buses that I rely on to the boondocks somewhere. Said parade was a question mark because of the off and on rain, but there was no sign that it would be formally cancelled as of this morning, rendering me helpless. I had to ask for a switch which is something I don't like to do, but I am not going to be caught dead using an Uber or a Lyft until they're required to have the same medallions taxi drivers have.

Tomorrow I get to start my shift early at 9am, which eases some of that frustration. I know I shouldn't be driving because of reaction time and my less-than-stellar look on the outside world (you are better off not knowing, at least publicly), but this was one of the rare days when I wish I could.

I wish a happy and safe US Independence Day to those who celebrate that. Belated Happy Canada Day (which was on 7/1) for bees in Canada.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

July 5, 2023

About 35 minutes of walking as part of my work commute. This is not what was planned, see below.

Notes

I think I need to look into protein shakes even though for me they are expensive AF (it means what you think it does).

The short version: I’m not getting enough.

The more complete version: Sleep pattern is at last stable enough to stick a 9am start at work. This is good because my manager is in need of morning cashiers, so this could be my path to getting more hours.

The bad is that things went south immediately after the 9-2 shift today because I virtually burned all of my energy working the line and didn’t have a lunch ready to go ahead of time.

Now to be fair, this is completely on me. But the bad relationship with food is also a problem here. Yesterday, I might have claimed the workout but I wanted to be able to go outside and do more. A dank and dreary day stopped that dead cold. My activity log on 1P came off to me as eating too much for a cheap amount of real movement, so I felt some kind of punishment was in order.

Which, as you might guess, means restricting. Not being able to go medal chasing anymore (read: running) continues to take its toll.

I wanted to do FL day 25, but when your body shuts down, that’s it.

 

[Tileenah]

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

July 6, 2023

Foundation Light Day 25

10 march steps and 4 step up/step backs, four times over; 3 sets

Bonus: Did the 30 push-up exercise of the day. Modified by doing it on my knees because I haven't done them in an age. Broke up into 3x10.

Also did some shopping that I am guesstimating added up to about 45 minutes of walking. See below for more.

Notes

I have decided to take a chance on making protein smoothies. A customer I waited on earlier this week uses dried fruit, protein powder, and I think plain Greek yogurt in hers. I wasn't sure about the yogurt part, but I bought it anyway along with the other things I need (including a Blender Bottle) to take a shot at it. It was an expensive trip -- I coughed up around US$90 for a total -- because protein powders are expensive. But it was cheaper to get two jugs of store brand protein powder than to get one at 1P. The lady who rang me out conceded trying to take on a healthier lifestyle is going to cost but commended me for trying. Shout out to @Fremen and @OJJJEM for handling my question in the Kitchen area of the Hive so I could pull the trigger.

Upon returning, my headspace went south for a bit. I didn't have to guess on this one: The overall frustration has been real because for support, I basically have Katie at 1P and the Hive. That's it. IRL support is non-existent, which has made the process significantly harder.

That led to a private chat with @Tileenah. I felt bad with what felt to me like dumping on her, and the actual conversation is best left between me and her, but somehow she understood that I didn't necessarily need a solution. I just needed ears to hear. She gave them. That helped me feel a little better.

Sleep pattern is starting to stabilize now that there are hard stops with the screens in place. Today was not perfect, but it came close enough on that front. The inner child in me apparently wants to hear some bedtime stories, but the ones coming off of my Amazon Echo Show are too short for its needs. I might have to talk to Coach Angela about this tomorrow night.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

July 12, 2023

Foundation Light Day 26

8 bridges, 8-count bridge hold, 8 prone reverse flys, 8 lying W-extensions, 8 prone reverse flys

Also, approximately 40 minutes of walking, enough to get a good sweat on as it was pretty warm today. Got a haircut out of the deal, which I needed.

Notes

The last few days have been emotionally tricky. Katie has sounded helpful, but my gut was telling me that she was pretty badly underestimating who she was dealing with. I know 1P had offered a second RD option when I inquired about it, so I basically took a trust fall and switched Katie out for Jenny.

It took only a few hours to confirm that it was the right call. I told Jenny in a message what I told Katie; the hunger and satiation cues are a mess because of a history of disordered eating and I'm only feeling them rarely if at all.

"Restoring hunger and fullness cues can be difficult," was the first thing that came out of Jenny's reply. Contact. Katie never acknowledged this. She sent that on a day when she was feeling under the weather, so when she gets over her minor bug she's promising to teach me some concepts to act as a starting point. Katie didn't really do that, either.

You can switch advisors, as 1P calls them, with no notice if that's what you need. So call that a case of sorry, not sorry.

Back at the ranch, I've decided to try learning to play bridge. I'm not exactly sure what good that will do me because with my lovely distrust in the outside world I have little chance of actually playing in a live environment, but there are ways to play solo with robots (Bridge Base Online comes to mind) online, and there a handful of abandonware programs that play bridge as well. I'm having an easier time wrapping my head around the basics than I ever could with chess, so maybe this will be useful for keeping my overactive brain occupied during these downtime moments.

I talked to Coach Angela about bedtime stories...and she proceeded to help me look around and uncover an app called Slumber that actually had stories that fit my needs and plenty of them. It doesn't hurt that you're talked through a brief relaxation routine before the bedtime story proper begins. It costs US$40/year to get access to all the stories (about two dozen are available for free), but I only had to listen to two of those to be convinced. So it's looking even better for establishing a sleep pattern I can live with now.

Angela was able to get out of me that said bedtime stories were never read to me as a kid, and I apparently needed them. This doesn't surprise me: While that's a minor transgression by comparison, I do feel that my parents failed me on more levels than I can count. It's not a stretch to say that Coach Angela has had to teach me most of what I know about navigating the real world, information that I wish I had 25 years ago when I was still traumatized and completely lost on what I wanted to do with my life (spoiler alert: Don't get me wrong, working retail has proven to be a safe spot for me, but there is also the "there's no other practical option left" card in the deck that was eventually going to be pulled whether I wanted to get it or not).

Better late than never. The late Tom Petty was right: Even the losers get lucky sometimes.

 

[CODawn]

Tom Petty also says "I won't back down.."

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

I appreciate you Dawn @CODawn

July 13, 2023

Foundation Light Day 27

14 step jacks, 10 side jacks, 14 side leg raises, 10 march steps (modified from march twists); 3 sets

Also did some grocery shopping, forcing myself to walk some of the aisles that I didn't need to visit. That and the walk back to the bus depot was good for an hour or so.

Notes

Today it felt like me and my demons were at war, and a bad day on the intake front was the direct result. It was easily 10 hours between food intakes of any kind today, which is common to have happen when you're in my position and your hunger and satiation cues are nowhere to be found because you've struggled with disordered eating long enough.

I could definitely feel my heart panicking because I didn't hear from Jenny the RD today, and the pros at 1P are in theory supposed to make an effort to respond to messages within 24 hours. I tried to tell it that I knew Jenny wasn't feeling full strength and had spent the previous week in Alaska on a mission (both disclosed in one of her announcements yesterday), and that she would need to be thinking clearly to work with someone who has termed himself a reclamation project.

It doesn't appear to be listening, despite knowledge that Katie had to be dumped whether I wanted to accept that or not (tossing ideas around and being hands-off at the same time, as she was, is not going to be a recipe for success for me). Apparently when help is not coming as quick as you'd like -- basically "we can't catch a break here" -- it feels frustrating.

To pacify it, and knowing that I could do this because she sees everything I log, I mentioned the workout above as a custom routine and told her that I hope she feels better soon. I also said that my intake today didn't support what I did so her responding was taking on some urgency. That seemed to settle it down, but for how long is an open question.

Tomorrow night I get to start working with Coach Angela on social anxiety. Healing this bad relationship with food in part is going to involve healing a bad relationship with the outside world generally. I know my inner child would like that discussed, so that should buy me some time while I try to figure out how to pacify it further. Can't say I'm optimistic about hearing from Jenny this week.

Song of the Day: Foreigner -- Head Games

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

July 14, 2023

Foundation Light Day 28

On both legs: 16 side leg raises and 8-count side raised leg hold, then 16 leg stretches and 8-count raised leg hold; 3 sets

Also about 25 minutes of walking to and from the bus stop. This was not optimal but was all my body could take, see below.

Notes

In about 20 minutes -- as I'm typing this -- I will be spending an hour with Coach Angela. It's good having her as a fallback to work through social anxiety right now, because part of the way out of the restriction cage is going to have involve healing that.

So first the workout: This was brutal for me and a case of "survive and advance", heavily modified. I won't say anything more there.

Today was another bad day for intake, but this one fell apart sooner, and for different reasons. A snafu of some sort -- I'm not sure what -- forced an emergency meeting to get the schedule for next week straightened out, involving the managers of my section. I didn't ask what the reason was because that is not my business. But it took longer than anybody anticipated and for a while nobody was in formal charge of my department (checkout). As a result I worked the full six-hour shift without a break, so there would have been no lucnh even if I had packed one.

Upon discovering the oversight, my manager felt horrible. She felt that she failed me. I simply responded with a shrug and told her it wasn't her fault because in actual practice I could have cared less. When Jenny the RD sees my food log for this week, she's going to be forced to act whether she is over her bug or not (I can't imagine an RD being happy about the number of skipped meals I've had this week).

This, apparently, did nothing to help my manager feel any better. She apparently wants to give me two breaks tomorrow as a make-up even though it is only a five-hour shift. I'm pretty sure that's against store protocol, but she's in a position of power and there's little I can do to argue.

It's not an easy place right now, although it needs to be said that FL could be sleeping with the fishes as soon as tomorrow, which would be nice.

Song of the Day: Toto -- Hold the Line

 

[Tileenah]

 

[CODawn]

I love those songs. I am especially a Foreigner fan. Lou says
"That was yesterday
But today life goes on
You won't find me in yesterday's world
Now yesterday's gone..."

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

July 15, 2023

Foundation Light Days 29 and 30

18 flutter kicks for three sets; then 20 march steps and 8 incline plank leg raises three times over for three sets

Also about 45 minutes of walking as my commute to and from work.

Notes

The last 24 hours have been a roller coaster ride. Jenny did finally get back to me, but I could tell from the video responses she sent that I wasn't getting her undivided attention which is a problem when you're not getting hunger cues and have no concept of how to bring them back. It was brutal to do this to her in less than a week, but my heart told me loud and clear to cut my losses. So much for using 1P as a resource (apparently being entered into a challenge contest by submitting photos there didn't help either).

The session with Coach Angela was more helpful. She works for a couple of independent coaching companies but still takes private clients a couple of days a week, and was accommodating when I told her I had stuff that felt scary to share and it would help if I could see her on camera. During the resulting hour over Zoom -- the specifics of the discussion are best left between me and her, please -- Coach Angela found potential problems on a number of fronts. She encouraged me to try to sit with my feelings for a few nights and then we could work on whatever comes out. It already looks like I might have to ask for the equivalent of a private goal-setting seminar with her. This would be a bit of a gamble but Coach Angela is a listener. I wouldn't bet against her.

The FL badge is finally mine -- doing just the flutter kicks felt cheap so I went in for the kill -- but it came at a price. I had to get moving early because I wanted to get laundry done this morning, and ended up taking a 10 hour between meals restriction for the third day on the spin. Logging my food at 1P was only triggering me, so pulling the ripcord on that, while also a gamble, probably wasn't the worst thing I could potentially have done, but...FML. Seriously, FML.

I'm guessing maybe Foundation would be next, but I'll sleep on that and ask the help desk later if I feel compelled to do so. I've already had my quiet vent in the safe space.

Song of the Day: Bangles -- Complicated Girl

 

[CODawn]

Congratulations on Foundation Light. I am glad that Coach Angela is there for you.

 

[Tileenah]

congrats on fondation light !
for the rest