Fires of Unknown Origin

[Sif_Shepard]

When it comes to recovering from restrictive eating disorders, calories in is so much more important than "good nutrition" especially in the beginning. If you eat thousands of calories of pizza and snacks it is better and more nutritious for you than not eating anything, or eating less than your body needs right now. A lot of recovery coaches will say that it doesn't matter at all what you're eating as long as you're eating. If you really want nutritious foods, add plant foods and vegan meals into what you're eating but be careful you don't use that as a new form of dieting/restriction. Eat anything and everything that sounds good to you. Even if you aren't physically hungry but mentally you want food, it's just as important to eat then as well and even if it's a whole box of plain crackers or cereal or whatever that's totally fine and good. Your body will sort the rest out after you've recovered so don't be surprised if you only crave sugar and grains and easy to digest things right now because restricting f's up your digestion and your body knows it can handle those easy things better to get calories in motion to start repairing your body. Lean into it and eat foods you're afraid to eat. Celebrate each day that's a victory and let go of the ones that aren't, it takes awhile to get the hang of it. You'll get there, just be kind with yourself. It's a long process and all you have to do to start it is start eating. If you have any past trauma around food, body image, weight, etc, those things you have to work on mentally and since you already have a life coach maybe talk with them about any of those things that might be holding you back.

You've got this. One day at a time. Trust your body, it knows what to do.
And remember this mantra: Progress, not perfection.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 13 and October 14, 2022

The short version: Both days were misfires despite a decent shift on the supermarket floor.

The longer version: Ate horribly on Thursday, woke up at 2am on Friday, then had the gall or stupidity, take your pick, to knock off a couple of errands on foot in heavy rain. The result wore out my bad side to say the very least. But at least, among other things, I don’t look like a member of the Beatles circa 1965 (I don’t like my hair long).

I was disinvited from my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary — they went out to lunch — because they knew I would only be going to make them happy which caused friction before. Unhappy about this, I felt compelled to tell my life coach about it last night. In so doing I made it clear that listening would be enough if that was all she could do.

Instead, she chose to probe…very carefully. In doing so, she uncovered how among other things I thought I wanted to know what calorie counts in restaurant foods were…until I started finding them out. That natural head for numbers backfiring in brutal fashion, among other things.

Further discussion on that topic will go to the help desk once I have it thought out in gentleman fashion (which may take a couple of days). Brainwaves do feel off from can best be described as a three-day self-sabotage screw-up.

But at the end of the day, once I get my brainwaves back in gear (I am not scheduled this weekend which will help), my coach probed enough and uncovered enough coping possibilities — I will need to work with them for a little bit before sharing them — that it looks like maybe those dietician concerns can be kicked to the curb. That would be a blessing in disguise, since there are suggestions I could look up elsewhere on the Darebee website.

Shall we give this another go, bees? I’m thinking we should.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 15, 2022

Foundation Light Day 11

12 march steps, 6 inclined slow climbers, 12 side leg raises, 6 inclined plank leg raises; 3 sets

This was done gently and gingerly, especially the slow climbers. A chair assist was used for the 12-rep exercises.

Better day overall. Felt a touch foggy upstairs but that's a direct result of a couple of disaster nights under the covers earlier in the week. Waited until late afternoon to do the workout when my head was a little bit clearer.

Personal notes:

* I need to be careful this coming week. Sif mentioned progress and not perfection; this needs to be taken to heart.

* Having a dental checkup on Thursday...all I can say is yeesh. But I have a work shift soon after, so at least there will something to rid my mind of that.

 

[CODawn]

I loved her progress not perfection comment.
I hate going to the dentist. I hope it goes well for you.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 16, 2022

So...I wasn't able to hit on Foundation Light today. In its own way, it was just as well.

It's par for the course these days that I try to help my parents out on the weekend. Emphasis is on try. My dad is a nasty 7-letter word not repeatable here (starts with an "a", ends with an "e", if you need a clue). He thinks patience virtues are for sissies.

There is only so much movement that my leg can tolerate, so when he failed to think things through and just tossed task after task (in order, a driveway sweep -- one that I can only do in small piles as if I was raking because I can't handle a push broom right now -- that was interrupted by being asked to barbecue chicken breasts, finishing said driveway, cleaning the underside of his bulkhead, which was not fun because the space was tight, and fertilizing his tomatoes) expecting them to be done today or else, only my leg giving out stopped him dead in his tracks. In this case, giving out means becoming tired enough to make taking walking steps very difficult.

He then had the gall to ask why my leg gave out so early. Mother told him to shut up.

At mid-afternoon, when I was finally able to struggle into a chair, I watched Chinese basketball for an hour. They have a cable channel called NXT Level Sports, and it airs pre-recorded sports events from overseas regularly, often without commentary. It's probably all the TV I'm going to watch all week, since I feel that most of the stuff on television today is best described as mindless drivel.

Only a quick glance at the Pats-Browns game...the NFL's regional game rules are stupid to say the very least IMO. Sent a text to a guy I used to see years ago -- a former trainer in better days (although admittedly he was not optimal for me because he was a bad listener), and called the Browns the Boneless Brown Trout, code for an internationally famous four-letter expletive best left unsaid.

He knew what I meant. "Boneless Brown Trout," he responded. "Heheheheheheee."

 

[Laura Rainbow Dragon]

I am sorry for your trials of the weekend, David. (I know all too well what it is like trying to help elderly parents who demand too much and do not take your own needs into consideration. It sucks!) Kudos to you for persevering in trying to do what you can. Please do remember to take care of yourself too! You deserve care and consideration as much as anyone else.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 17 and October 18, 2022

Revisited some of the physical therapy exercises post-injury on Monday, and mostly walking on Tuesday. Day 12 of FL looked intimidating and the fighting spirit to try wasn't really there.

Noticed yesterday that I felt particularly anti-social. Work shift was okay, but I wanted nothing to do with the other residents in my complex and it felt like I was going out of my way to avoid them. In part I know a terrible night under the covers on Monday night was at least partly to blame, but as I type this it's coming to me that I'm struggling with feeling fat, too...and I'm not anywhere near that territory.

At least the obsession with finding an RD has stopped for now...that was doing a lot more harm than good to my headspace.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 19 and October 20, 2022

Foundation Light Day 12 (done on October 20)

8 knee-in and stretch, 8 upward leg extensions, 16 leg swings and 8-count raised leg hold on both sides; 3 sets

The last couple of days have admittedly been a real struggle. No breakfast on Wednesday and twelve hours between any kind of food today. The latter was semi-forced by a dental appointment that makes me jittery without fail, but in actual practice I struggled a lot with feeling fat. Fat can be a feeling if you feel you're not getting the kind of activity that you feel you should be doing, post-injury or not.

The Foundation Light workout was going to be a brawl emotionally one way or the other because my heart was in no good place to deal with it and balancing on the bad side for knee-ins wasn't happening...those turned into drags instead of lifts. It's a good thing I don't put myself on camera. Took longer than the recommended two minutes between rounds because this felt that hard for me.

The worst thing about today's restriction episode is that I got no hunger cues. None. Since I never truly healed from the initial borderline anorexia (made worse by my dad telling me I would end up fat no matter what I did one night...I so wanted to slap him hard across his jaw that night), bringing those back is going to be a (expletive deleted) show. I'm going to have to watch more of those videos that Sif suggested.

As for the dental appointment, which was at least two months overdue, apparently nothing seriously wrong was found. How I continue to not have the tooth problems the rest of my family has had to go through escapes my reasoning, but I'll count my lucky stars for now.

 

[Sif_Shepard]

Your dad's an ass. He's also wrong, and besides there are many worse things than having a bigger body (namely being a bully and an ass). It's so hard to recover when family is directly or indirectly responsible for our body issues. And yeah, weight gain/bloating discomfort is by far the hardest part, not only because it's uncomfortable but also because of how it dredges up negative feelings that were likely the reasons you fell into disordered eating in the first place, but, and I can't stress this enough, it's only temporary. If you're underweight then yeah you won't (and shouldn't) return to that weight after, but your body will settle at a healthy weight over time no matter what body size you started with. Looking at it as necessary weight gain really helped me because it made me realize it wasn't any perceived "failing" on my part*; it has something to do with weight gain being necessary for organ repair. Once the organs have been repaired, the body releases excess weight gain and works to maintain its own set point weight. And the bloating and general all over bleh feeling is a result of having a poorly functioning digestive system that will heal through recovery. It's rough and I recommend lots of comfy hoodies and cotton shorts/pants, but it does go away with time I promise. Kayla has a lot of videos about coping with weight gain in recovery btw that discuss this with more eloquence than I do.

Hopefully you can find a way to set boundaries with your dad so you can heal in peace. I got lucky in a sense, I went through it during the pandemic and barely saw anyone besides my wife so I didn't have to deal with anyone giving me nasty comments.

For the appetite issue, it's rough to work with if you don't start recovery feeling ravenous, and unfortunately means you'll have to get comfortable making yourself eat when you're not really feeling it. I didn't struggle with this too much but on the days I did, making myself eat at least a little something right out of bed helped and then grazing helped too. Little, frequent snacks can be really helpful if the discomfort of recovery is getting to you as it's easier on the digestion. Calorie dense foods are gonna be the most helpful- bakery bread with butter, bagels with cream cheese, juice, nuts, hummus, veggies or crackers with dips/dressing, cheese, peanut butter, chocolate, trail mix, etc. Hope that helps!

*(no one is ever a failure for gaining weight, this is just the old ed mindset I'm explaining in this instance)

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

I appreciate you so much @Sif_Shepard (and yes, I agree with you, I think my dad is a flaming (expletive deleted))

October 21, 2022

Foundation Light Day 13

14 flutter kicks, 3 sets

Done leaning back in a seated position on my bed. Since it keeps my feet off the ground it makes the kicks easier to handle at present. Also there were three short walks making up various legs of my commute -- an extra leg had to be tossed in (see below), the walks totalled about 45 minutes and all of it was with a cane.

Last night I had another of those odd nightmares that I can't really pin to anything but seem to suggest that something was about to go very wrong. Like last time, it proved to be eerily accurate.

My immediate supervisor had to leave thanks to an emergency -- she herself is okay and I didn't ask about details because it's not my business (it is also possible that she is burned out and felt something coming on, I know she has been run ragged to say the very least of late) -- and that left technically nobody in charge on the checkout lines for half of my shift today. It was honestly very scary, and with a big sale on produce going on it was a bad day to have no manager to call over if there was trouble. One of the baggers was given duties to just keep an eye on how things were developing and page the customer service department when needed; he put together a magnificent attempt and it would 100% have beaten anything I could do.

Intake today had holes thanks to the bad night under the covers -- I didn't plan for lunch today well and ended up having a donut and small coffee in the breakroom -- so I would have to call it a technical restriction because as my ally Sif says, to bring my cues back I'm going to have to find ways to eat on a more regular basis.

Had to go back across town to my parents' after work because my older brother is coming over from New York with his kids tomorrow for a few hours. In the eyes of me and my parents he is basically an uninvited guest: He only does family stuff when he feels like it and is the definition of a helicopter parent; he has no concept of how to properly rein in his kids. (This is why I chose to never get married and have kids of my own because that would never work out.) We're considering the day shot as a result, and I'm secretly hoping against hope that I get called in to work. Will try to claim my Darebee flag to cover my heart, and my bases.

Repairing the broken family relationships is going to take some work. My life coach has been notified and I next "see" her (over the video conferencing service Zoom) on Monday so we will begin working through that then.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 22, 2022

Foundation Light Day 14

10 step extensions, 10 step jacks, 10 side jacks; 3 sets

Not done as a fast-paced cardio routine. Don't get me wrong, the sets were short as Foundation Light is set up to be, but I'm not exactly looking for speed records. Getting back in gear is what I would really like.

Older brother came over with his wife and two kids today...all I can say is that said brother needs to do a better job keeping his kids under control or problems with the bottle will be in his future. They were like a two-man wrecking crew, and the status of my relationship with him showed: I spent more time asking his wife, an artist by trade, how her career was going (which was maybe two minutes) than about his (none).

Notes:

* 3-day streak again. I would like to get over the hump tomorrow and make it four in a row.

* Intake was better today, but that's not saying much because since I'm away from my unit until tomorrow night openings to restrict weren't there. Those openings need to be closed somehow.

* Not sure what's going on at work these days. When I got my schedule for the coming week this morning, I noticed I was only up for two days this week. It's not a secret that they're hurting for cashiers in the midday hours, so my immediate manager and whoever is doing the scheduling don't see eye-to-eye. I politely asked if this was correct over the phone this morning and got a response of, "Really?". So apparently this is a TBD situation.

* Got to see my parents get gifted a Britbox subscription as a birthday present for dad (his was on the 11th). A couple of comedy series ("Are You Being Served?" in particular) caught my eye, but in my heart I know I won't use it on the days when I'm at my parents' place. More on this tomorrow.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 23, 2022

Foundation Light Day 15

5 bridges, 5-count bridge hold, 5 prone reverse flies, 5 prone W-extensions, 5 prone reverse flies; 3 sets

Today highlighted the risk I'm taking by not having a CPT (certified personal trainer) available; I am very sure that I fouled up every last one of those W-extensions but couldn't figure out how because I couldn't crane my neck up to see. Having some bone fusion in my spine is no fun sometimes. I definitely would benefit from spoken guidance in the video demonstrations, but you can't always get what you want.

It's a 4 day streak regardless and the first one of those that I've had, so there is that.

Notes:

* I'm probably not going to be using BritBox even though I am apparently welcome to on days when I'm at my parents' house. Addiction issues with me are very real, and the only good thing I can say about those experiences is that they haven't involved drugs or alcohol (but I've certainly been tempted with the latter). You would believe me if I still had a photo of just how bad my yen for logic puzzles got at one point when sudoku puzzles went through a revival in the US earlier this century. It wasn't a small drawer and the darn thing was packed to the brim.

* Wild turkeys went roaming about the backyard today...twice. There must have been 12 of them, preening, strutting, clucking, taking dust baths under the yews. It was a sight, but they cleared out in time for me to finish sweeping the driveway before the rains came.

* I get to see my life coach tomorrow night. Several sessions' worth of repairing broken relationships is on the docket. She already knows about this.

 

[CODawn]

I love wild turkeys. We used to see them hiking.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 24, 2022 - October 26, 2022

I have nothing good to say about the last few days. The restriction demons hit back on me, and hard. The last couple of days especially.

There was no lunch yesterday, no breakfast this morning. It's little wonder that my FL progress cam screeching to a halt, especially considering that I was in such a "screw everyone and everything" state of mind today. Fortunately for me, I didn't have a work shift scheduled, but sheesh.

Notes:

* Needless to say, I'm having problems eating when the cues aren't coming. They never really came back to begin with, and I've struggled with an ED for four years, give or take a few months, now.

* Used my umbrella to take a 20-minute walk in the rain, cane and all. I needed the skies to do some crying for me today.

* A professional registered dietician handled a question I had without counting calories and macros being a trigger for me and mentioned it's not something she'd recommend I do. She doesn't specifically work with people who have EDs so she can't help further, but the clue may help going forward by killing any urge to attempt any actual logging besides check-ins here. So, I gave her a thank you and wished her success.

* 3 1/2 weeks until the men's association football world championship in Qatar. It's unlikely I'll watch much of it, but knowing there's something to follow will make the holidays easier this year.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 27 and 28, 2022

Can we just call this week a loss and put it behind us somehow, please?

Yesterday the restriction issue got taken to a new level: It was shoved down my throat.

My regular manager had a couple of days off this week -- she does deserve them because she's been run ragged lately but still looks after me -- so yesterday one of the customer service managers was in charge of the checkout area. I know her, I've worked with her before. She's also a smoker, and I think it's been getting to her brain.

There were only a couple of lanes open yesterday afternoon, including mine on express. This manager in question has done some questionable things working with what she has for staff of late, so this wasn't a big surprise. I'm working the express lane, which normally is a non-issue because the higher-ups in the supermarket want it open whenever possible and I went on record to one of these top people saying if nobody else would do it, I would...and it turns out I can operate the sometimes more hectic express line competently.

But yesterday, the couple of open lines got overwhelmed, including mine. The Halloween rush had been badly underestimated. The customer service manager hops onto a line to try to ease the flow of customers, but only sees marginal success. This is where things went very wrong.

The normal protocol is to get on the intercom and call for available associates to man (or woman) lines temporarily. I don't have access to it at my station and have to leave my line to use it which is a no-no (it's halfway across the store, and only really permissible if I have to get cancer sticks, aka cigarettes, for someone). The manager is right near it from her lane but decides to ignore the situation. There is no call for backup, and meanwhile there's only so much I can do on my lane.

I do a great job, apparently, trying to manage what feels like an endless flow, but my legs start telling me they need to sit and I have no recourse. A colleague asks me if I've gotten a break and I tell her no. Nothing is done about it. By the time the customer service manager finally bothers to relieve me when I get off at 5pm, it's too late...and my legs feel like bricks.

I was fortunate to get home that night and honestly should have refused when I was called in and asked to cover for another shift this morning...but my heart couldn't say no, and that made the situation worse. At least the better, more competent manager made sure I wasn't screwed out of a break, but the damage was done and the miss streak is now at five, the restriction streak that shouldn't be there at four.

The only good to come from this is that the regular manager discovered I wasn't even offered a break on Thursday -- the store has logs for this -- so while I was trying to rest my legs nursing a hastily filled water bottle, I see the customer service manager clock in to start her shift...and be immediately called on the carpet. She was apparently reprimanded for poor management of the staff she was supposed to oversee yesterday, and for failing to follow protocol by not calling for backup when it was clear the lines were swamped. This only made me feel marginally better, and I texted my life coach about the whole episode when I got off work today.

"I need to work on boundaries with you," she responded. She's not wrong.

 

[Sif_Shepard]

Can we just call this week a loss and put it behind us somehow, please?

Always a good idea when we're struggling.

"I need to work on boundaries with you," she responded. She's not wrong.

This is very helpful!

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 29, 2022

Today was devoted to resting my bad side, so a lot of time was spent on my tush solving Kakuro puzzles (I finished one and made progress on a second before my brainwaves said that's enough). Tried putting some heat on the back side of the upper part of my legs -- whatever those are called -- which appeared to help. I suspect that and resting it is what really took care of those knots.

As conceded yesterday, I'm basically considering this week a loss...if it wasn't one thing, it was another. This leaves me with a decision to make. Halfway through Foundation Light but without any workout hits since the start of the week, I'm not all that sure if I should pick up where I left off, start the program over, or backtrack just a few days. I also seem to have smoke coming out my ears still after Thursday's awful experience on the floor.

Oh, there wasn't a meal restriction today. So there's that, but I don't dare hop on the scale. I don't want to know what this week has done to my fragile weight situation (I was under for a while thanks to my ED), but I am certain I've given back at least a couple of pounds that I'm not in a position to lose.

 

[TopNotch]

I think you mean the hamstrings. Often they aren't exercised enough and the quads are too strong and this creates an imbalance. You might consider doing a bit of work on your hamstrings...?

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

@TopNotch I guess so? I mean, it sounds plausible, and my gut says you're right...just not sure how I would do that.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 30, 2022

Foundation Light Day 16

10 upward leg extensions, 6 side leg extensions, 6 leg extensions, 10 raised leg swings; 3 sets

This was done very slowly and carefully on purpose...a good 4-5 minutes between sets. Noticed that each set felt slightly better than the previous one. Still felt like a struggle, but at least there's a completion this time and I'll take it.

I have a shift tomorrow at the supermarket, and the staff is being encouraged to dress in costume within reasonable limits...I guess a gift card is on offer for the best costume.

I'll be dressing normally, without a costume. There is an internal emotional wound that I don't want to reopen, and this is about the safest place I can think of to explain:

In February of last year, I was with a different platform and had a level of trust with a couple of the instructors there. One taught a weight training class that I tried to catch live when I could. Around Valentine's Day, the platform held a series of themed classes that celebrated Gossip Girl being added to the HBO Max on-demand service. Unfortunately, the trainer in question was teaching two of them and was dressing up as one of the characters from the series.

I was not comfortable risking taking a class with her dressed as somebody she's not, so I shared those concerns. They went unaddressed.

Looking for something short to do that night since I had skipped the live class and wanted to find something simple, I logged into the platform's app...and saw a sight that I couldn't unsee. The Gossip Girl themed class was running at that moment, and not only was the instructor in question dressed as someone she wasn't, she was acting as someone she wasn't. I saw all of five seconds of this, and it was five seconds too much. She had crossed a red line by doing something I consider to be unprofessional, acting as somebody else and dressed in an outfit that wasn't appropriate for filming a live workout class. What trust I had in her was broken for good in those five seconds, and it wasn't coming back.

By the time she finally bothered to reach out to apparently try to explain herself the next morning, she was already too late. My working relationship with her was already beyond repair and I knew it...so she got an appropriate response.

"Melody, it's not a good time," I tersely responded, not bothering to read what she had to say. "When I shared my concerns with you, you needed to tell me right then and there that you weren't planning a permanent wardrobe adjustment. I think it's best that we not talk for a while."

"For a while", in this case, meant ever. She knew she had royally screwed up by not explaining herself -- she would have saved her behind if she had so much as said "we'll talk about this later" when my concerns about workout outfits were addressed -- and not only did we never message again, I never took her classes again. I still haven't forgiven her, and I stopped using the platform a few months later.

Authenticity matters to me, so I'm not risking alienating the customers I tend to see over and over by dressing up. That's a line that gets crossed at the violator's risk.

 

[CODawn]

When I worked in office and didn't feel like celebrating, I dressed in all black. It fit my mood though.

 

[TopNotch]

Once upon a time, I had to go to a party dressed as my favourite character. I wore my usual work attire (black suit, white shirt) and added a thin black tie and sunglasses. Ta-Da! Man in Black!!

 

[TopNotch]

@TopNotch I guess so? I mean, it sounds plausible, and my gut says you're right...just not sure how I would do that.

I'm not a physio but I had pulled both my hamstrings - fortunately a year apart so one was healed before I did the other! - so I'll give you the simplest hamstring exercise I know. You do this seated, so there's no issue with balance, but you do need to use a band - theraband from the physio or exercise band, some sort of band. You put the band around your ankle and the other end around a strong fixed object, and you sit facing that object with the band pulled straight between you. Then all you do is curl your leg back under the chair, then take it out again to 90° - slowly! Rinse, repeat. You should feel it at the back of your leg. If it's too hard, use a lighter band or don't pull so far back. If it's too easy, use a heavier band or start with more tension. There are progressions on this - eg., you can do it lying on your front and curl your leg up towards your bum (gets a greater range of motion happening).

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

@CODawn Interesting enough, my standard work uniform is all black. I know that's just coincidental, though.

@TopNotch That's pretty cool! But I have an inner child to heal through my life coach (read: boundaries), and the decision to protect it was made days ago.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

October 31, 2022

Foundation Light Day 17

8 step jacks, 2 side leg raises on both sides, 4 times over; 3 sets

Plus plenty of walking, some of it forced as I had to help mother hand out Halloween candy tonight, and the route was partially blocked by Halloween festivities in the business district. Chair assist used on the side leg raises.

This wasn't flawless...lunch was a casualty again, and getting used to eating without cues to help me (it's not a secret that said cues were compromised quite a while ago) isn't going so hot. So, at this stage, it's safe to say that today involved too much movement. But finding a balance is hard when you admit that you're on a platform that isn't the optimal fit for you and yet you have nowhere else to go (no, I do not trust YouTube as a workout resource).

Notes:

* Thankfully we gave away all of the Halloween candy. This means no pressure to bring any leftover back to my apartment, which is better for my headspace.

* Weird situation upon arriving for my shift...nobody was in charge. I saw three regular lines open, took a guess and went onto the express lane. It turned out to be a fortuitous decision. I had a spectacular run and relieved lots of pressure off the regular lines by handling many, many customers who just wanted to buy fun size candy bars for trick-or-treaters.

* Despite today's less-than-optimal intake, this week has already gone better than last with consecutive workout clears to start. There are still many holes to fill, and I very much wish I had a 1-to-1 CPT to help right now, but you can't always get what you want.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

November 1 and 2, 2022

Pulling things together is hard. I have an anxiety disorder — as if I didn’t have enough obstacles — and Tuesday was by far the scariest shift I’ve had to date.

To put it as directly as possible, nobody was in charge. The usual thing is for a higher up to monitor what’s going on at the checkout lines from time to time, hop on a line if needed, and occasionally address something else if it looks like all is in order.

There wasn’t somebody filling that role yesterday, and that is a problem because things can happen that require a supervisor’s attention, such as having to void something above a certain dollar amount because your register rang something twice (technology, bah, humbug). I kept hoping somebody would show, but nobody did, and I could feel a panic attack hit me a like a 16-ton anvil right on the skull.

How I finished the shift is a mystery, one of the other cashiers had to secure my break on my behalf at one point. When one of the customer service managers finally relieved me half an hour after I was supposed to get off, I felt I had to call her aside.

With fear in my voice, I tried as best as I could to tell her that I felt really scared because it felt to me like nobody was in charge. I recognized staffing has been a mess after the previous store director’s shock resignation, but I would have felt more secure if a supervisor had been around for at least part of the shift in case something major went wrong (I was extremely lucky to only need one request to refill my toll of coins).

With my headspace a genuine mess from this, I felt no choice but to work through this with my patient (and wonderful) life coach last night. I recounted the whole episode in detail and she noted that yes, I was respectful enough, but no, I wasn’t given a satisfactory solution and should have been given one. We brainstormed some ideas in case this happens again, which I do fear it will.

It’s time to try again.

 

[Froud]

The good thing is that stressful moment is behind you.
Let us hope that will not happen again!

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

November 3 and 4, 2022

Foundation Light Day 18 (completed on 11/3)

8 wall half-squats, 8-count wall squat hold, 8 step-back/step-ups, 16 standing W-extensions, 16 bicep extensions, 16 standing W-extensions; 3 sets

Foundation Light Day 19 (completed on 11/4)

16 march steps and 4 inclined plank leg raises, 3 times over; 3 sets

Yesterday I took advantage of a quiet moment to learn how to page on the phone in the checkout department if I should ever need backup when it looked like nobody was in charge again. This settled some nerves, and it was clear that I didn't have hard feelings from Tuesday (in actual practice I was simply scared out of my wits).

A chair assist was used for the step-back/step-ups yesterday and for the march steps today. Clearly coming back slowly, but balance is going to take a little bit longer. The plank leg raises looked good (yay!).

Notes:

* Not having an easy time with the intake situation; it's difficult when the cues are basically non-existent. Had extracurricular activity in the toilet after dinner tonight.

* Despite the progress I'm making, apparently an EKG is in my future courtesy of a visit with a neurologist this morning. Apparently people -- not just doctors -- still want answers as to what the (cuckoo) went wrong when I'd feel better just letting the issue die. That's all I feel like sharing on the topic publicly.

* Caused trouble in the community room after work today with some of my trademark sarcasm. A multi-state lottery in the US has an expected jackpot of US$1.5 billion -- with a B -- tomorrow night. I won't touch it with a 10-foot pole because I feel it's not worth it on multiple levels, but that doesn't mean I can't have fun with it. "If I won the Powerball jackpot," I told the ladies there, "I would corner the Viagra market so people could call me the BIIIIIG STIFF!"

I worked as a pharmacy technician in a previous career. Badmouthing Viagra became common. A couple of the ladies liked it. The rest didn't understand and simply looked blank.

 

[CODawn]

! I enjoy sarcasm.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

! I enjoy sarcasm.

Aw Dawn...glad I could put a smile on your face. There's more where that came from, so feel free to reach out if needed.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

November 5, 2022

Today went upside-down in no time flat. Last night was a bad one under the covers. I suspect unusually warm weather here for November may be to blame. Couldn't really get in gear, period, but that's how things have been going. Consistency is an admitted weak spot because self-care is a weak spot.

Notes:

* At least there were three meals today. This has not been a given with my screwed-up hunger and satiation cues.

* Generally speaking, even though they're short, I've been working out now more than I have for the last five months. There's something to be said for that even if I have to modify heavily. But I could use some combat workouts.

* Spending next few days with my parents so we can vote in the Massachusetts state elections as a group on Tuesday. I'm fearing violence as the US is basically in civil war (IMO it's only a matter of time before armed conflict erupts), so while my parents don't know it, they'll be acting as bodyguards.

 

[Laura Rainbow Dragon]

Kudos to you for taking proactive steps to address the lack-of-management situation at work, David. I'm wishing for you strength to continue to persevere under very stressful circumstances.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

November 6 and 7, 2022

Foundation Light Day 20 (completed on 11/7)

5-count raised leg hold, 10 leg raises, 10 high leg raises (both sides), 10 side-to-sides, 10 raised leg circles, 5-count raised leg hold (both sides); 3 sets

This one felt hard. Much longer than two minutes between sets, I'm pretty sure it was closer to four or five. But I did it, and I'm taking it, thank you very much.

Yesterday I did a driveway sweep and took down morning glories from the trellis on the outside of my parents' house. My legs didn't like being on dirt, but I pulled that out of the hat too. I seem to have adjusted to the time change better this time than I have for a while.

No real notes to make today. Did tell my life coach that I need some help probing through a difficult journal entry I made earlier today about my relationship with food. A case can be made that she's not exactly who I should be turning to for that, but she's who I have that I can actually see on a video call, and if all she can do is help me think things through, I'm all for however she decides to probe on Friday night. The wait feels a lot easier than usual with work shifts Wednesday through Friday.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

November 8, 2022

Foundation Light Day 21

10 march steps, 4 calf raises, 10 march steps, 4 side leg raises*, 10 march steps, 4 side leg raises; 3 sets

* These were supposed to be march twists, but I was not about to gamble on trying those today, see below.

Last night was fun...or not. The support beams on my bed came fell through. The only way I could think of to put them back was to remove both the mattress and the box spring, which I had to do very carefully...and it still hurt. I managed to eventually sleep a few hours but my mood went south accordingly. Thank the goodness the kind of tabletop games I favor (sports simulations, often of a highlight nature that requires little or no user decision-making) are solo endeavors.

For the actual workout today, then, I didn't want to do any real twisting (those box springs are heavy!), so I intentionally traded the march twists for side leg raises. Pretty much the whole routine was done slowly..."fast pace cardio" my arse.

Was hoping I would get called in today because waiting on people and being sarcastic about the finally hit Powerball jackpot would have allowed me to let off some steam. $2.04 billion dollars it was hit for...so much for me becoming the Big Stiff. (wink)

Don't worry, I didn't play that. There's enough going on right now, and being a rich son of a (cuckoo) would actually make things harder. Mental state is as important as physical health in my book.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

November 9-12, 2022

Foundation Light Day 22 (completed on 11/9)

16 flutter kicks; 3 sets

This week went downhill immediately afterward despite hitting a 3-day workout streak. Consistency has been a problem, in part because body image has been a problem as well. Fat is a feeling when you're not able to move to the extent that you want to or feel you should, and I have struggled with that the last few days.

On Friday it was so bad that we might as well call it a 24-hour restriction: All I had for intake between dinner on Thursday and dinner on Friday was a donut from the store break room. That was it. I told my life coach what happened, but Hurricane Nicole had roared through earlier in the week and her Internet was a mess...not being able to see her compromised being able to work on the deteriorating relationship with food. (David's note: And I should be seeing a registered dietitian, but this is apparently not going to happen which is not a good thing.)

Notes:

* Tried to marshal my energy because tomorrow I need to help take down the gardens, which may or may not work out depending on whether my leg holds up.

* Dad complained tonight that he thinks I might need a second job at some point but the way my hours are floating doesn't make that possible. I said nothing, leaning on what I was able to glean from my life coach about dealing with him last night. For now, I'm grateful just to have a job. I'm also pretty sure he wouldn't be able to do what I do.

* Nobody was in charge during the Wednesday work shift again. But knowing how to page saved my rear and it felt much less scary this time. There was some insecurity but nowhere near like the last time, and I only had to use the pager once, so there is that.

 

[CODawn]

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

@CODawn Thank you.

November 13-14, 2022

Rains from Hurricane Nicole rendered those garden plans DOA to my (and others) chagrin. I could have used that emotional release of cutting dead plants to ribbons.

Had a breakdown and went looking for RDs again today (sigh). One who’s in Boston knows she isn’t a fit because I need to heal my relationship with exercise as much as with food, but she still was nice enough to give me a quiz from her website to help figure out what kind of an eater I am.

To my non-surprise, it came back that I’m an emotional eater and the relationship with food is as bad as I think it is. At least now I know I’m not whistling Dixie when somebody besides my life coach decides to probe a little bit too close.

No real notes to share otherwise except I hope to capture a workout tomorrow before my shift on the floor. Bets on anything else are off.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

November 15 and 16, 2022

I have a discovery call with a registered dietitian who specializes in disordered eating on Monday. I don’t know if I can even afford this, but I don’t feel like I have much of a choice because I have definitely completely fallen off the wagon.

Wanting a professional on my side and not succeeding in finding one would eventually come back to bite me…that’s how karma works. So it was not a surprise when yesterday, with no hunger cue to assist and no concept of how to spot one, there wasn’t even an attempt to make breakfast. I told my life coach that skipping breakfast is a new problem but the lack of hunger cues isn’t.

My poor coach is in a position where she can only grasp at straws. “I think you need to schedule times for eating,” was all she could say.

It’s not a bad clue, but it also amounts to force feeding myself which hasn’t worked in the past. Feeling like absolute poop after a morning restriction twice now in the span of five days hasn’t done anything to change the situation because my inner child would rather go through this torture than be fat. I didn’t have the heart to tell my life coach this.

As if that wasn’t enough, I also a) had a blood test only to see the lab screw it up, which means I will have to make another appointment on Monday once I know my schedule, b) couldn’t stand completely straight while being weighed at said blood test, leading to a false reading and an instant trigger, and c) took a two-part walk, cane and all, that occupied 45 minutes or so.

The biggest observation is that I know I want to improve my general health but not being able to toss the image of what I feel I have needed all along — a certified trainer and registered dietitian — was eventually going to take whatever confidence I had and blow it to kingdom come. The resulting miss streak means I’m best off going back to square one, so we’ll have to call it 0-for-1 on program tries even if the appropriate for where I was.

So what to do from here? I’m not sure. Do you?

 

[CODawn]

I don't know where you go from here but I do like the idea of a registered dietitian and certified trainer.

 

[Froud]

I am afraid there is no ready to use formula.
I have tried the classic approach, I lost 30 kg which I gained back a couple of year later, i tried again after a small surgery (hip surgery), and I managed to stay balanced for 10 - 12 years. Then I lost my dog, I had a bad job experience, Covid came, I drifted a bit. I was not psychologically well, it was not a breakdown but closed to. But I put some weight on again. When I realised that, I went to see a couple of nutritionist but I was not convinced by their new methods. I consulted two psychologist that were specialised in weight issue.
Nowadays, it is not perfect, but it is more or less in control.
My point is, it might be hard but there is a way. Keep faith. You will get it!

 

[BrigidForged]

First of all, I have read through your posts and you have been going through a lot. So

Then, I do think seeing someone specialised in eating disorders is a must to help you get on from here. I think only few of us know the subject and there is only so much we can glean from your posts. Having someone to ask all the right questions and who can give you the proper tools I think is needed to get you moving forward.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

@Nanna Io back to you and thank you.

The good news on this front is that I am in the process of putting a registered dietitian into the picture. I was hoping to have a discovery call with one this week, but alas the work schedule I got for this week cut if off -- typical David luck -- so I had to reschedule it. Also my life coach is helping me work on accepting and allowing right now, which may help backdoor some kind of breakthrough if the RD route crashes out (although I do hope it doesn't).

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

December 4, 2022

Foundation Light, 2nd Attempt, Day 1

10 step jacks, 6 side jacks, 10 side leg raises, 6 march steps (switched in for march twists), 3 sets

Basically, I feel like until it cracks or something like that. Getting professional help has been an absolute dog.

Tomorrow, I have a discovery call with a registered dietitian. This virtually guarantees that I will need to keep my spending to it, an RD, and essentials only for a while, but there is no better option. It was not easy conceding to my life coach that I have reached the point where I will have to work with an RD whether I want to or not: The relationship with food is not improving -- there are some signs that it might actually be getting worse -- and it is simply too complicated for her to handle. Reality has set in, I had to tell her. This means the conversation with her on Wednesday night could be...interesting, but I plan on trying to respectfully tell her that a level of therapy is going to have to be involved which is beyond her scope of practice.

As for the activity: Not a lot to say here. The search for a CPT has been equally miserable and for all intents and purposes can be considered abandoned, so the best I can do is go back to the starting line and do what I can with it. Those of you who have read this will almost certainly say, "That's not optimal for you, David," and I agree, but when you can't drive and shouldn't be driving, your options are very limited to say the least.

At work, whoever is in charge of the music playlist has been kind, mixing in holiday music only occasionally with the regular playlist instead of playing it endlessly which would have made me insane (and for some real fun, try putting "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" into my head...you know the one I mean, the one sung by Thurl Ravenscroft). I'd rather have to deal with endless holiday music for a couple of weeks instead of a whole month as some radio stations where I am are prone to do.

Hoping to get some kind of streak going through FL to at least try to finish a trying year on a happier note. Wish me luck.

 

[Froud]

Hang in there! You will be all right!

 

[CODawn]

 

[BrigidForged]

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

Association football quote: "Football is a simple game. Twenty-two men chase a ball for ninety minutes, and at the end the Germans always win." -- Gary Lineker in 1990, after (then West) Germany defeated England in the men's World Cup semifinals

December 5, 2022

Foundation Light (2nd attempt), Day 2

5 wall half-squats, 5 count wall half-squat hold, 20 arm raises, 20 raised arm circles, 20-count raised arm hold, 3 sets

Had my discovery call with a registered dietitian today, one that specializes in intuitive eating. She feels we'd be a fit. I'll sleep on it for a night so I don't do anything brash, but unless there's a meteor strike that appears to be as settled as I can hope for. Wrapping my head around intuitive eating is probably my best way out of the cage, as I conceded to her that trying to count calories has only made things worse when I've tried it.

Stayed at my parents' this morning to help them set up their tree for the season. Considering that I still walk with a limp, it went a lot better than my dad gave it credit for (his patience virtue makes me look like a genius). I'll probably have to stop by later in the week to help them trim it; this is not necessarily bad as a) I go to their place for Christmas and New Year's anyway and b) it's only across town on foot; 35 minutes by foot on a good day.

Workout session itself was okay. Wall squats had to be taken slowly, but they were manageable. Those raised arm circles can catch you if you're not prepared.

Tomorrow a work shift, and the banter among the cashiers when I'm on the floor is definitely increasing. One of my colleagues said last week that she has worked long enough to earn her reputation as a...bad word. Starts with a "b", ends with an "h", not something I would call anybody here on a bet.

To which I replied to her, "It's better to keep your mouth shut than to open it and remove all doubt about that." She knew I had her beaten -- it is not a secret that I utter sarcasm and inanities to keep people loose at work -- and broke down laughing, and when she passed my lane on her way to her mandatory break, she laughed harder. "You're right, though," she conceded.

 

[CODawn]

sarcasm rocks!

 

[BrigidForged]

Cool banter!
It's good that you found a dietetitian that could be a good fit. I heart intuitive eating when done properly can do wonders!

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

December 21, 2022

Interlude

There's a reason I've been quiet the last couple of weeks and change. A lot of has, to put it in so many words, to save me from myself because I can be a jerk when things go south. You don't need to see that.

Specifically, what went south was finding time slots with the RD. Making things work didn't happen because since I can't rely on a set shift schedule -- that's working retail for you -- connecting to actually work with her quickly became a (cuckoo) show. Several recent instances of having to be called in because fellow cashiers were no-calling no-showing has not helped matters. I am only slightly miffed at being screwed out of the employee luncheon today (wasn't scheduled, wasn't called in) because in actual practice I would have treated whatever was being served as the Bubonic plague.

The final blow to this came when I re-checked my finances after depositing my tax refund last week (I had to extend my filing deadline thanks to that darn hospital stay earlier this year). It basically confirmed my fears that I wouldn't be able to afford an RD for as long as I know I would need one without dumping my life coach...and I am not in a position to let said life coach go.

I told her what's going on, and found out that in a previous career she worked for Weight Watchers for a while. This is not ideal of course, but given current situation it beats nothing at all. Working with her tonight is going to be "fun"... take from that what you will.

For what it's worth, I pulled a 30-minute (approximate) walk out of the hat this morning with the cane and my bad side appears to be none the worse for the wear...so there is that. But the rest has basically gone to that fiery place down below, which is appropriate when you consider that's where I'm going anyway (wink).