Fires of Unknown Origin

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 17, 2023

Vitality Day 11


20 bicep extensions, 20 side shoulder taps, 20 arm extensions, 20 raised arm circles; 3 sets

Also about a half hour of walking. Took advantage of a sale on Quaker brand cereals after clocking out, which is a brand that I like.

Notes

So, last night I tried sleeping with my window open....can you say "Dumb David Tricks"? Humidity in the air duly creeped into my apartment, and falling back asleep once I was uncomfortable was a struggle. It had an effect on my mood.

There was a little time to go to coffee hour before work, and the snarkiness I can be known for showed immediately. I set up my coffee but then went behind a regular at said coffee hour who has a sarcasm streak...and is a beached whale to boot. I put my hands on both her shoulders for a moment, and then "flapped my wings" behind her, looking like I was struggling. It's one of the few imitations I can do without a walking stick, provided I don't get carried away sneaking up on my target.

"What are you doing?" her friend asked me as she watched me "flap".

"Eagle struggling to pick up heavy objects," was the reply. And I continued for a few more flaps before stopping. My target didn't seem to care. She takes as good as she gives.

The workout was claimed after my shift. I definitely felt this one. Those reps add up in a hurry. Needed more like five minutes between sets. But the streak marches on for another day, now five in a row.

Coach Angela checked in on me via text. I told her I was going to try to set up a session for a week from Sunday when she's back from holiday, but couldn't guarantee I'd be able to keep it. I also told her about skipping the birthday party in the complex because banana splits were involved. Something is going on, besides not being able to run, that still hasn't been unearthed. The next time I work with her (which could end up being on 9/1 but I need to be patient right now), some very difficult digging is going to have to take place.

Intake was a struggle again, but that's par for the course right now. I'm not even sure what I want to ask at the Help Desk, so that's another issue for another day.

My selection tonight is about finding solace in an unforgiving environment. Many have misinterpreted it as a drug song, but America was formed by sons of armed forces personnel who at the time were stationed in Europe.

Song of the Day: America -- A Horse With No Name
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 18, 2023

About 30 minutes of walking. The Darebee streak breaks at five, but I deserved no better and don't want a sympathy card for it. See below.

Notes

Self-care has been anything but caring the last few days. When I was called into work early this morning because my immediate supervisor had to call out due to an injury (she rolled her ankle a few days ago in an accident, and it looked a lot worse than she was letting on to anybody), no contingency plans were in place for lunch. I didn't care because my brother-in-law is bringing an ice cream cake to celebrate what would have been my late sister's birthday tomorrow -- we'll be at my parents -- and I responded the only way I know how when faced with a situation that involves something I'd rather not eat but have to in order to make someone happy: I restricted. Have been for the last three days. "Lunch", if you can even call it that, was a bagel leftover from a breakfast the store directors lay out for the early birds on Fridays.

So when I did finally get back home around 5pm, my body finally rebelled for the way I've been fueling it and duly shut down on me. I might as well have passed out for an hour because that's how it felt. The only good to come out of this is a firmer clue on what to talk to Coach Angela about a week from Sunday (the next available slot I could find to work with her). Knowing me, there will probably be more self-inflicted damage between now and then.

Not much else to say about today, except there was apparently some very wild weather with the rain my region had this morning. There were no fewer than five tornados confirmed in the New England region, and while tornados in New England are not unheard of, they're compartively rare and especially this many at once.

Song of the Day: The Offspring -- Kick Him When He's Down
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 19, 2023

About 45 minutes of walking total between work commute and going to my parents’ to entertain my brother-in-law.

Notes

This was a day where simply climbing out of bed was a bad mistake, and everything went south from there.

Somebody new was flying solo for the first time on the checkout line next to me at work. Typical of my luck, nobody’s in charge. I guess management did a bad job scheduling for the checkout department today. The poor girl had some problems, and with no CSR (customer service rep) on duty this morning she was forced to make the only rational decision available to her: Ask me.

I’d like to tell you this much about the one time I tried to supervise someone in an poorly chosen previous career (accounting): It did not go well.

So she was in over her head, I was in over mine, the inevitable mistakes were made because split-second decisions are not my strong suit and never will be, and by noon my headspace was trash. Everything that could do wrong with the actual execution did.

This included not calling the afternoon CSR down to start her shift early (which I don’t have the authority to do), so I found her “warming up in the bullpen”, for lack of better words, when I was sent on my break. By now I know my headspace isn’t coming back and the best thing I can do is go back to bed, so I’m thinking damage control.

“Renee,” I ask her, “I know this will sound messed up, but can I get a hug from you?”

Nobody else is nearby, so she pondered for half a moment, got up from her chair and offered.

“Bad day?” she asked, guessing correctly at the reason why.

“Definitely going bad,” was the response.

Once she was on the floor, things settled down, but the damage was already done. Knowing I was very close to lashing out at someone who didn’t deserve it, a lot of the rest of my shift was quiet. It wasn’t typical me on the floor. But any other tactic would have resulted in Evil David Tricks, never mind Dumb David Tricks.

As for the brother-in-law’s visit, all I will say is that I’m glad I won’t have to deal with ice cream cake again anytime soon.

Song of the Day: The Cars — I’m Not The One
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 20, 2023

Weeding, sweeping, and raking hedge trimmings for my parents today. It took 2 1/2 hours, but that was in part because the hedge trimmer kept jamming.

Notes

After yesterday's unmitigated disaster, today was intentionally fought to a stalemate in the name of restoring some semblance of calm. I say stalemate because once we were done with the yard work, there were zero plans to attempt Vitality Day 12. It likely would have not been a great idea, because my bad side was talking to me after the yard work was finished, and I didn't really feel the extent of it until I tried to sit down afterward to check my shoes for dirt (there wasn't any).

Said bad leg wasn't really in pain, but it wasn't really okay either; it was showing clear signs of being tired. Dad was happy with what got done though, so I'm taking this for what it is worth.

We're floating the possibility of cutting a couple of bushes down this fall because their sizes are pretty much untenable. My younger brother has been promising to assist, but he can't be trusted to keep his word, so my parents are going to call on me instead. They could plan this out a lot worse: As long as I'm not rushed and am careful with my movements, it would be possible to pull a rabbit out of the hat, even if my lower extremities would hate me afterward as they usually do. They're targeting autumn on this.

Only three work shifts are scheduled this week. While that's not optimal, the reality options will be limited this week. The usual safe spot for Coach Angela is blocked off, so I have to hope a week from tomorrow works out timing wise (and I have a bad feeling about that). As of right now, there's no good place to really go -- considering that I'm not neurotypical -- as a Plan B to nip my disordered eating pattern in the bud; it's also possible that I might be out of realistic options since my insurance doesn't cover a RD who works in private practice. So...I guess we'll be walking a tightrope for a while.

Song of the Day: The Who -- Substitute
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 21, 2023

Vitality Day 12


10 neck stretches, 10 tricep stretches, 10 hip rotations, 15-count shoulders back, 15-count hamstring stretch (both sides), 15-count chest squeeze; 3 sets

Also about 15 minutes of walking to the bus after work. Wanted more, but my parents decided to go food shopping so they dropped me off at work so they could shop there, and then leave me to my own devices for the week.

Notes

It looks like a problem is in play with what to do with the short 15-minute breaks that I get, as far as what to eat is concerned. Other hidden difficulties need to be addressed first, but the mental note will allow a trip to the Help Desk as soon as I can figure out how I want to phrase the post (or maybe that's for the Kitchen? It's hard to know sometimes when it feels like a query could fit in multiple spots).

Work shift generally went a lot smoother today than it did on Saturday...but even then it had its moments. With about an hour to go a pretty bad argument broke out a few lanes away from where I was working the express lane. The argument got pretty vocal between a customer and my immediate supervisor and one of the night managers, and it was rattling people in my lane, including me. The only thing I could surmise was that it wasn't anything I did, and otherwise I have no details. It's probably better that I don't know since it didn't involve me personally.

"I'm feeling distracted by the noise," a customer admitted as I tried to continue working my line.

"It's hard for me not to be distracted either," I conceded, because part of me wanted to try to defuse the situation. But better judgment and some level of poise that I was able to call on somehow won the day. If they need me involved, they know what to do. So I did my best, apologizing for both the wait and the noise as my line temporarily built. But I knocked said line down by focusing in front of me on the customers choosing to ring out their groceries through me. Just about everyone seemed okay, but I took no chances and said things like, "Yeah, but I don't pride myself on making people wait. That's not how it works."

The closing manager thanked me for holding it together after I was asked to clock out, so I must have handled it okay.

As for the workout, I snuck this in before the work shift which was very handy because I don't know if I would have found it in me to pull that through at 7pm. It's been done, but now that I live mostly by myself I have to look after a lot more than I had to when I was in my 20s.

I'm hoping this is the start of another streak. Maybe I can beat five this time?

Song of the Day: Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers -- You Got Lucky
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 22, 2023

Vitality Day 13


20 step jacks, 20 backward leg raises on both sides, 20 side leg raises on both sides; 3 sets

Also, about 20 minutes of walking.

Notes

Today's Vitality routine was slow and controlled. Especially doing the leg raises for my left leg, as balance on my right side is at best suspect. The important thing was making time for it while my headspace was still relatively stable.

Coach Angela reached out this afternoon. She had something open up this evening, and she wanted to know if I wanted to work with her tonight instead of waiting until Sunday. I was figuring on the latter, but she knows from a couple of texts that I sent -- and only a couple -- that ice cream being involved in two parties and only being able to skip out on one was no good at all (and it shows...I tried to eat more normally today and my body "thanked" me with more than a few "booty salutey" episodes. Thank goodness I wasn't scheduled at work today.) There's no way to sugarcoat it: This is an emergency session, considering how my self-care has tanked the last week or so especially...not that this is exactly a new problem.

In the case of the ice cream cake I wanted nothing to do with but had to eat anyway, it's definitely going to be probing through feeling like I shouldn't be doing something. Coach Angela is good at that, so she'll likely find something more than just that one problem.

There's not a lot else I can practically say except I'm trying to get my inner child ready to talk (don't judge me, please). It could be an emotionally difficult session and trying to post here after the fact could be asking too much.

Song of the Day: Toto -- Hold the Line
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 23, 2023

Vitality Day 14


20 overhead clench/unclench, 20 front clench/unclench, 20 side clench/unclench; 3 sets

Also, I did some grocery shopping because I needed a few things. That was good for about an hour on my feet and most of that was walking.

Notes

Last night's emergency session with Coach Angela was indeed difficult. I told her that I basically haven't been letting stuff like candy bars and ice cream into my pantry simply because there is no faith in my self-control. She dug out that I'm basically inviting those bad self-control moments because there is difficulty leaving what happens at work at work where it belongs. She gave me some tactics to try, like buying one of those king size candy bars, splitting it into three immediately, and using plastic zipper bags to keep the individual pieces separate.

But when I went out for said grocery shopping today, I found I couldn't let myself try those tacks. It looks like there is more to work through than time allowed last night. You would never believe me now, but I was fat once precisely because I had a yen for junky stuff and was really difficult to deal with as a kid. Even the possibility that I might turn into a beached whale again is horrifying because I have seen firsthand what has happened to family members both immediate and extended when they let themselves go. They basically gave up on their lives. I'm having a difficult time reconciling allowing an occasional treat with the still-occuring difficulty of feeling fat whenever I look in the mirror...and fat is a feeling when you miss the kind of activity you used to be able to do simply because it isn't an option anymore.

As for the Vitality routine...this felt sneaky. Opening and closing fists isn't that simple when your arms are being held out the whole time. This is cool, of course, but it troubles me that some of the programs I'd like to eye farther down the road -- Age of Pandora intrigues me for its RPG elements -- don't feel like they play because they would require heavy guidance from others on the Hive as to modifications/adjustments. That's asking an awful lot of other bees and in particular of the mods (whoever those might be).

Tomorrow my work shift is later, from 2:30-7. This is okay because I asked the checkout manager (higher up on the totem pole than my immediate supervisor) to go ahead and restore the weekday availability that I originally had pre-injury. With the high schoolers who work some of the evening shifts going back to school, this actually does more than harm.

Evil David Tricks: By strange coincidence, my grocery bill came to US$33.33. The colleague who rang me out said I should play those numbers.

"Don't give me ideas," I warned her. "Besides, that's my line. Go find your own!"

She broke down laughing. She's used to my brand of sarcasm. Another line I would use to that end is, "What the slot machine is going on here?"

Song of the Day: Robert Tepper -- No Easy Way Out
 

Tileenah

Well-known member
Warrior from France
Posts: 1,963
I think if you do need variations for exercises you can ask ;)
Doing that is basically my job (adapting exercises so that people with various injuries can do them and not lose to much mobility or muscles) so I'll be happy to help, as long as you have the patience to wait for my answers in another time zone.
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
@Tileenah I appreciate that. I think the concern is that I don’t want to overwhelm any particular bee if the going starts to get rough…but knowing me (thanks for nothing, autism spectrum) I just know that some of it is going to have to explained/visually demonstrated differently to click. Not saying you can’t help (you’re welcome to, as is anyone else), but there will be moments when I feel like a real piece of work.
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 24, 2023

Vitality Day 15


10 shoulder stretches, 10 tricep stretches, 10 hip rotations, 5 forward bends, 10 side bends, 10 core twists; 3 sets

Also, about 45 minutes of walking between work commute and doing some apartment upkeep: Vacuuming and washing the floor basically.

Notes

With apologies to now-retired Pittsburgh Penguins announcer Mike Lange, "Buy Sam a drink, and get his dog one too!" It's starting to feel a touch better hitting more often than I'm missing overall with these Darebee workouts. Finishing FL felt like it took forever. This program, not so much so.

The actual routine was slow and controlled, and in particular with the forward bends. Took me half an hour for a routine that I know some of you more confident bees could have banged out in half that time. But I'll be happy with another 4-day streak when previously I was lucky to get to three.

That said...ugh, this was a bad day for intake. It was close to 11 hours between meals today simply because I felt no cues. But I also know that these days that I work are landmines in the respect that I don't know how to make my breaks count. A question duly went to the Kitchen area to that end, and to my surprise a clue apparently surfaced while I was at work that should help. I'm still looking for additional input if anyone wants to chime in there.

I definitely felt the effects of my latest Dumb David Trick (which has only recurred about 500 times at least now but whatever) at work, but only after it was too late to do anything about it. Didn't have it mentally at all. At least I didn't need a hug from anybody this time around.

Song of the Day: Monster Magnet -- Negasonic Teenage Warhead
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 25, 2023

Vitality Day 16


20 march steps, 10-count single leg hold (left), 20 march steps, 10-count single leg hold (right); 3 sets

Also about half an hour of walking to and from work, in the rain. Umbrella was at the ready. :)

Notes

Intake could have been better, but overall this turned out to be a much better day than yesterday was. Of course, sleeping because you half passed out during the night might have something to do with that...

Workout was claimed before my work shift, and I made sure I had enough time to go gentle with it because that seems to be the safest route right now. Balancing on the right leg wasn't happening, so I put my hands on my desk as lightly as possible to modify. Having to modify/adjust/substitute is a common theme for me, which would explain why I was in some angst earlier this week about potentially having a million questions once I dare to try something more adventurous.

Said work shift gave me a kind surprise: Despite the rain, we got a good volume of customers and I felt like I was handling it well this time. I think it could be because my store's sales cycle runs from Friday through Thursday, and some special deals were only good through Sunday (a tactic that I personally hate but choose to keep mum about because at least corporate isn't authorizing stupid things like throwing pies in the face of the store director as happened earlier this month). It felt a little bit better to "hit" one this week.

If I'm not called in tomorrow, I may to a store nearby to pick up a couple of small things to try out some tactics given by other bees in the Kitchen area (you know who you are and I appreciate you). More work will need to be done with Coach Angela next week probably, and I'm going to have to embrace the only practical option she can offer (behavior change), but it beats having no professional support at all.

Song of the Day: Eddie Rabbitt -- I Love a Rainy Night
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 26, 2023

Vitality Day 17


20 scissor chops, 20 arm scissors, 20 chest expansions, 20 standing W-extensions; 3 sets

Also took a 15-minute walk.

Notes

I had a bad dream wake me up at the crack of stupid this morning (3am). The dream involved an association football (some of you may call it soccer) match in which all the players were karate practitioners and the referee was blind as a bat.

Pretty sure it’s my high school trauma talking when nightmares like this strike. I could talk all your ears off about it, but enough (expletive) happened between 9th and 12th grades to permanently damage my worldview. If you want to know why I’m reluctant to trust IRL, that’s your basic answer.

So that planned shopping trip quickly went south as my headspace wasn’t in line with picking out small stuff for lunches. That will need to wait a couple of days, which is okay because I’m finding more dirt that needs to be dug through with my coach.

Evil David Tricks: Yesterday at work, a couple of customers conceded they weren’t feeling so hot with all the rain that was falling. “So I take it you aren’t a fan of Eddie Rabbit’s ‘I Love a Rainy Night’?” I asked.

That did earn some giggles from them. “It is a good song, though,” one responded.

@CODawn I had to share that one. I told you there’s plenty where that came from.

Song of the Day: Dire Straits — So Far Away
 

CODawn

Well-known member
Huntress from Colorado
Posts: 2,319
"Theres no easy way out. Theres no shortcut home"
😹 At least they got your reference. My Hotel California reference during a work meeting was met mostly with silence. At least I wasn't on camera so no one could see me roll my eyes.
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
@CODawn You’re welcome to try me, maybe I’ll get it (even if I admit to not being a fan of Joe Walsh singing lead). I’ll admit I have to pick my spots; you’d be surprised how many people aren’t exactly the fastest rats in the maze these days.
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 27, 2023

Vitality Day 18


10 calf raises, 10 hip rotations, 10 single hip rotations, 15-count shoulders back, 15-count hamstring stretch (both sides), 15-count chest squeeze; 3 sets

Also about an hour and a half of yard work that involved improvised weeding (with grabbers), sweeping, and a small amount of fertilizing of mother's parsley patches.

Notes

There is a feeling of unease in the air. Last night was better under the covers, but it felt like I was basically exhausted both mentally and emotionally. Sometimes putting one foot in front of the other is hard.

The actual execution was okay today, because even though my dad wasn't feeling his best (and while I didn't say it, I can't really say I was sorry for him), mother effectively shoved him outside anyway so she could have extra assistance tending her parsley patches. It's known that me trying to get up off my knees without something solid to prop me up is at best risky...occasionally I can do it, but more often than not I have to crawl to a better spot. So I followed behind neatening up the grounds with a broom and then gave said parsley a quick round of fertilizer with a watering can.

Surprised I got the Vitality workout off this afternoon. The single hip rotations felt dodgy and required chair assistance. The hamstrings had to be done with caution. But somehow, I got there. I think the level of support from bees here has been key, because if you had told me I'd eventually get a 7-day streak back in May, I'd have looked at you funny and probably asked if you'd been smoking hashish at the casbah.

I appreciate you @Tileenah for letting me reach out when I've needed to, I appreciate you @CODawn for putting up with my brand of sarcasm, and I love you generally fellow bees for giving me a safe place to go. There is hope for straightening out this mess yet.

Song of the Day: Grass Roots -- Wait a Million Years
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 28, 2023

Vitality Day 19


12 step jacks, 20 side leg raises, 12 march steps, 20 backwards leg raises; 3 sets

Also about 15 minutes of walking. I wanted more, but my legs said enough after getting home from work. See below.

Notes

Chair assist needed to be used on everything but the step jacks, which in turn had to be done slow and controlled. On days that I help with yard work, it's rare that I get to have my walking stick with me because it gets in the way more often than it helps. I'm almost always feeling it afterward. Another difficult day of going 10 hours between meals didn't help matters, but at least that served the purpose of making it obvious that I have to explore my running history with Coach Angela more this coming Friday. Pretty sure I conceded that the demons were going to get some more hits in before the ship can be fully righted.

Today, I got to work a regular checkout line instead of the express line at work. This was more than welcomed because I was in a place where I needed to get into a big run of customers and stay there for a while, whether I had a bagger or not. The steady flow of customers duly granted my wish, and within an hour I was starting to stabilize emotionally. By the time I got back from my break, I was ready for Evil David Tricks.

"O gentle traveler," I asked a colleague I waited on. "Do you know the demon?" (Bonus points if you can tell me which character from Samurai Shodown 4 I just quoted).

"No," came the response.

"Why not? You're looking at him."

He responded with this look: :excuseme:

He isn't the fastest rat in the maze, so the guy was an easy target. It's known in my store that I have a sarcasm streak, but I wait for choice moments to pull it out. Only a few people get exposed to it during a normal shift at most.

I still had to work the second half of my shift minus a bagger -- kids are going back to school where I am -- but I'm used to that. Some of the orders can get pretty large, and that will have its effects when you're effectively running on empty. Parents cashed another chance to get their grocery shopping done early this week, so I took advantage of a lift. That's why there was only one walk, and that was probably a good thing after standing for 5 1/4 hours on the line with not much chance to move.

Song of the Day: Michelle Branch -- Find Your Way Back
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 29, 2023

Vitality Day 20


20 raised arm circles, 20 side shoulder taps, 20 shoulder taps, 20 W-extensions; 3 sets

Also about half an hour of walking.

Notes

The streak hits 9. I’m taking it, even if my legs were acting up a bit and I had to do half of this workout seated on my tush.

Someone running for mayor in my city was apparently in the apartment complex today during coffee hour. When I saw it being set up I immediately turned tail and went back the way that I came, even though I could have used an eye-opener at that hour. Later I found her website and gave her a piece of my mind, telling her that the mere fact that she’s in politics means she’s too stupid to hold down a real job.

That should tell you everything you need to know about why I consider any political discussion to be taboo.

Doing that to a politician, even if not to their face directly, was cathartic. It did a lot for my headspace if not for my intake, which was a struggle again.

It’s not looking good for getting a needed session with Coach Angela this week, though. A hurricane is headed for her section of Florida, and she really had no option but to evacuate. I found this out because I sent her a text earlier today wishing her safety, and she volunteered the info herself.

So…the next few days could be a little scary since I’ll be thinking of her.

Song of the Day: ZZ Top — Concrete and Steel
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 30, 2023

Vitality Day 21


10 shoulder shrugs (I call those as I see it), 10 shoulder rotations, 10 neck stretches, 10 hip rotations, 10 side bends, 10 core twists; 3 sets

Also about 45 minutes of walking.

Notes

Some days I wish I didn’t have an Amazon Echo Show in my apartment. It was hard to tell from the images it showed, but it looked to me like Tampa and the surrounding area took a direct hit from Hurricane Idalia. I know she evacuated, but that’s where Coach Angela lives.

A difficult day ensued. I barely kept breakfast down, and that was it for intake because my headspace was in some kind of death spiral. I’m worried about my coach, even though there is reason to think that she is safe.

As a result I was very fortunate to get in what I did today. Everything felt like a struggle, and I conceded I was worried about Coach Angela to more people than I should have at work in a vain attempt to clear my head (it didn’t work).

Somehow I soldiered through and got my bus pass for September in the process, but it doesn’t feel like it was worth it. If the streak breaks at 10 tomorrow, you’ll all have a pretty good read on the possible reasons why.

Song of the Day: Weezer — Say It Ain’t So
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
August 31, 2023

About a 20-minute walk, which was an adventure in itself. See below.

Notes

Today I paid full price for what my massive panic attack and subsequent breakdown yesterday. If I didn’t feel knocked out, I was in the wet closet. My body did not like the shock I gave it by having a normal-size breakfast this morning after having all of one meal yesterday.

A vent in the safe space here finally curbed, at least for now, what was a terrifying chain of worst-case scenario feelings; seeing the silver lining through the clouds is still a weak point (although it has improved a little bit as evidenced by a 10-day streak that, despite being broken today, felt like a pipe dream a few months ago).

The walk honestly shouldn’t have been taken because I had to it extremely gingerly; not having dinner last night meant I couldn’t have one of my meds because it needs to be taken with food, and since it’s an anti-inflammatory it’s pretty darned important. But my parents want to donate a couple of books to the library in my apartment complex because it’s accepting those, and I was in a headspace where I didn’t care where I spent the day so I made the trek anyway.

In hindsight it was probably better to see my streak break at 10 because I’m still questioning in my heart whether getting a DB workout off every day is a good idea with my body as fragile as it is. At the same time I’ll admit this isn’t the way I wanted to break it. If I can be blunt about it, the streak was broken last night when the first thing I did after work was climb into bed and not climb out. When your heart says screw it all because it feels like the walls are collapsing, there’s not a lot you can do about it.

Song of the Day: The Doors — Been Down So Long
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
September 1, 2023

Vitality Day 22


20 side jacks, 10-count left leg hold, 20 side jacks, 10-count right leg hold; 3 sets

Also about 20 minutes of walking in an attempt to go grocery shopping that was bailed out on...see below for more.

Notes

Coach Angela reached out this morning. It was a bad news, good news situation.

The bad news: She is still displaced from Hurricane Idalia, and needs to suspend her coaching sessions TFN (until further notice). She and her family are with friends for at least the next week.

The good news: She is safe and okay. This cancels out the bad news plus, because I honestly don't know what I would have done if something happened to her. Knowing this, I was able to tell her with full sincerity to please take care of herself -- I would be scared too in her spot -- and I will hold off on trying to set up a session for now because she does not need more stress. This was appreciated.

It took my emotions time to settle down upon getting this news. Not being able to work with her is going to sting short term, but she is safe which matters a lot more.

Later, I tried to do some grocery shopping at a Whole Foods Market that is just steps from apartment. I started to grab a few things, but then had to check my heart. I felt like I was going through some "retail therapy", as it's sometimes called, in a place that's more expensive than the chain I work at (Shaw's) and doesn't have half of the stuff I'd want to keep in my freezer (I understand the theory behind organic food, but I need to be smarter with how I spend my money). So I mulled it over in a quieter spot for a few minutes and then put the few things I grabbed back from whence they came, opting to walk away with nothing. Once all the craziness, panic attack and all, has settled itself down, then I'll figure out what it was I wanted to do in the first place.

Observation: I have Baseline lined up for when Vitality finishes, so no panic is going on with what workouts to do next once Vitality is completed. This will help stabilize matters too.

Song of the Day: Starship -- It's Not Over (Till It's Over)
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
September 2, 2023

About 20 minutes of walking. The rest simply got squeezed out, see below.

Notes

This wasn't an easy day. I had to go straight from work to entertain my brother-in-law, and it was a real strain on my system. I needed a chance to breathe that wasn't forthcoming.

It's not that the work shift was necessarily bad: I had a good run on a busy Saturday as people took advantage of a 4-day sale in droves, and at one point the store director came around to shake my hand: I guess I was making my colleagues look bad. Holding it together took up a lot of energy, though: I have clues on meal prep from other areas of the Hive to work with, but actually implementing them has proven to be a challenge. I apparently need to be in a really clear headspace to be able to grocery shop, and this just hasn't been the week for it.

Entertaining my brother-in-law didn't really go so hot. I didn't have a lot I wanted to say, and we're still basically afraid of each other. My two younger brothers are doing a far better job supporting him these days than my constant trust issues are allowing me to do. The ongoing series of board games on Family Game Night for the Wii continues to be an exercise in futility as he beat up on me in Battleship, I returned the favor in Connect Four, and Sorry! was more of a learning session because I haven't played it in an age and can't explain a thing to save my life.

To say I'm a bit wiped out tonight is being charitable. I guess I won't need to use the Slumber app tonight.

Song of the Day: Johnny Cash -- Tennessee Flat-Top Box
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
September 3, 2023

About 2 hours of yard work with my mother, weeding and working on a bush that she wants to significantly trim down. The latter is a project that will take the next few Sundays to finish.

Notes

Coach Angela gave me a surprise by reaching out today. She asked if I wanted to work with her later this week. Her next real availability is on Friday, so I picked out a spot after my work shift that will be a little earlier than I normally see her but will be good for my headspace to have. It's a bit rough going 2 1/2 weeks between sessions, but when Mother Nature intervenes, there's not a lot that can be done about it.

I didn't try to continue Vitality today because it would have been a bit of a risk to do so: There was necessarily a lot of bending over involved with helping to pick up and subsequently cut the bush trimmings so that they could fit in yard bags (we filled two of those before mother's body said enough was enough for today), and my lower extremities were invariably talking to me after that. They didn't hurt, but they didn't exactly feel okay either.

I get to put in a five-hour shift tomorrow, on US Labor Day (it's only when you work retail for a while that you start to understand that nothing is really sacred in that field). This isn't as bad as it sounds: I'll probably get to kick some more tails around just like I did yesterday (not literally, but you get the idea), and get time-and-a-half for it.

Observation: Someday I should establish a class for myself here like most of the other bees. I just haven't given it a lot of thought. Might need help deciding.

Song of the Day: REO Speedwagon -- Ridin' the Storm Out
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
@CODawn And I'm relieved too!

September 4, 2023

Vitality Day 23


20 side clench/unclench, 20 overhead clench/unclench, 20 clench/unclench, 20 bicep extensions; 3 sets

Also about 20 minutes of walking.

Notes

It was a tricky day in the actual execution...some would say it felt like everybody in town came out to shop at the supermarket today, and that meant I basically got to rock it for five hours. Very sure I made my colleagues look bad. Not sorry about it. The one downshot is that the CSRs in charge did a woefully poor job keeping an eye on the situation, and lunch ended up being a casualty simply because I had no choice. The relationship with food is still in a dreadful place anyway, so being able to work with Coach Angela on Friday is looming pretty large. She's not an RD, but she seems to be the only person on Earth outside of the Hive who seems to understand that untangling that nightmare involves an unwanted but necessary opening of Pandora's Box.

Fortunately I snagged my Vitality progress before any of this went down. Sometimes it's less a matter of finding time than making time.

Said workout was sneaky. Making and releasing fists isn't much of a movement, but when your arms are extended three different ways, it adds up a lot faster than you would think.

If I'm able to sleep through tonight (which I should because I am plenty content with my performance at work today), I may try to venture some grocery shopping tomorrow. It's not an inexpensive place, but Whole Foods Market does have some dried fruit that stays good for a while and can go with my breakfasts. As long as I just go for a couple of things and let my workplace handle the rest (which I can do so long as I am off the clock) when there's a better opportunity later in the week, it should reasonably work out.

Now if my boys from Leeds United can just stop playing to stinking draws...

Song of the Day: Pearl Jam -- Black
 

TakingBabyStepsBack

Well-known member
Posts: 283
"Keep fighting. Fortune will favor the patient and persistent."
September 5-8, 2023

Vitality Day 24


10 hip rotations, 10 shoulder stretches, 5 forward bends, 20-count shoulders back, 20 count hamstring stretch (both sides), 20-count chest squeeze; 3 sets

Notes

The last few days have been challenging. Thursday and Friday especially, as it was unusually warm and humid for early September. Sleeping was difficult for a couple of nights even with my air conditioner running off and on, so that would explain why I haven't been feeling my best. The upcoming 9/11 anniversary isn't helping because it hits far too close to home (anyone who wants to know more, please reach out privately because I don't want to spook any bees).

It's more appropriate to say the pause button had to be hit by those lights. But I still had my moments on the floor.

I have discovered that two of my colleagues are not exactly the fastest rats in the maze, which makes it really easy to pull stuff over on them. I tormented one of these men (of course they'd be men) with one of the many English football chants I've picked up over the last few years. I am radio editing the bad word in there, but think an internationally famous four-letter expletive:

You've only scored four,
You've only scored fooouuuuurrr,
How (expletive deleted) must you be?
You've only scored four


(For the uninitiated: This one is attributed to supporters of Leicester City, during a match where their side conceded, appropriately enough, four goals)

I could see it in his eyes. His reaction was more than satisfactory: :excuseme:

Americans will never understand real football.

It should be noted that I had my session with Coach Angela. I admitted I was panicked about catastrophe when Hurricane Idalia said hi to her region of Florida. We spent some time working through that and then moved on to working on that internal running wound. In the process of so doing I revealed to her that when I had been diagnosed with cerebal palsy not long after I was born, doctors thought I would not be able to walk, period.

"Do you feel like people slighted you?" she asked.

"Yes! came the immediate response, and a difficult but G-rated vent that lasted five solid minutes resulted. In my coach's defense, she knew it wasn't directed at her and let me say what I needed to. I could reroof someone's house with all the tar that knocked out from that discussion, and while some more work needs to be done, it went a long way towards closing that chapter, which in turn will take a step towards healing my relationship with food because that particular internal wound is a major piece of how the disordered eating began in the first place.

Next week a fair bit is going to be asked of me at work as one of my supervisors will be on much-deserved holiday for a few days. So we'll see how close I can actually come to knocking Vitality off in the coming week.

Song of the Day: Bruce Springsteen -- Radio Nowhere
 
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