Fires of Unknown Origin

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

So, here goes with my second attempt at this thing. Whatever the first thread was can be considered abandoned as I am starting from square one.

April 23, 2023

Foundation Light Day 1

10 step jacks, 6 side jacks, 10 side leg raises, 6 march steps; 3 sets

Very quick recap for everyone: It’s been a year since I injured myself in an act of stupidity on the fitness app NEOU, unassisted by anybody else (yes, the class in question was led by a CPT). Doctors couldn’t find any damage despite multiple tests up to now. An X-ray on my right hip was taken last week but still waiting on the results (I think I may have to log in to my patient portal tomorrow…seems my doctor is too lazy to pick up a phone). I can get around, but it almost always requires a cane or other walking stick. There are also nutrition problems but the search for an RD fell apart, leaving my life coach to work on behavior changes…a slow crawl at best.

Now for today:

Modifications to protect what I have will be an absolute must. That’s why marching steps instead of twists, the balance is not there to do twists. I will take what I can get because I feel helpless otherwise.

Otherwise it was a dank and dark day with rain showers happening often enough to more or less torpedo any other plans. We hadn’t had any decent rain up here in New England for a good week or so, so I can’t really complain about that.

The thought of what might come out of that hip X-ray does scare me. I was told years ago that with the autoimmune arthritis I have that I would be a candidate for surgery some day, but I can tell my fickle heart is not hot to go on the idea. It would actually feel better for walking with the cane to simply be my new normal. The fear is perhaps justified: My mother has had both of her hips replaced. That didn’t help her. She has to hang on to anything and everything when not using her cane now.

 

[Tileenah]

 

[Fremen]

Welcome back

 

[Anek]

Hello!

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

Hello @Anek @Fremen @Tileenah

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

April 24, 2023

Foundation Light Day 2

5 wall half-squats, 5-count wall half-squat hold, 20 arm raises, 20 raised arm circles, 20-count raised arm hold; 3 sets

I also was able to get in 40 minutes of walking going back and forth to the dentist's office on foot. It basically demanded using a cane the whole time, but I am okay with this. As I mentioned to the receptionist when paying for my cleanup and tooth X-rays afterward (I don't have dental insurance, don't judge me please), I need to protect what I have.

Said visit to the dentist is always an adventure...it makes me nervous without fail because everyone else in my immediate family has had some kind of issue with their teeth. It was a relief to discover that I only need to improve my brushing on my front teeth, an observation that made sense when I thought back about it later. I'd rather be told these things because they wouldn't be obvious to me otherwise.

When I was asked later how the appointment went, I simply showed a Cheshire Cat type grin and said, "Teeths." I know that's not English, but when it feels like your mouth is one of the few things going properly, you're going to show it off a bit.

The results of my hip X-ray were a different story. I was expecting to get a call from my doctor about them last week, but none came. When I went to my patient portal after the dentist this morning to see for myself....

If you must know, I respectfully ask you reach out privately on that, please.

 

[Tileenah]

for hips... for teeth!

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

Thank you @Tileenah

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

April 25, 2023

Foundation Light Day 3

10 march steps and 2 step back/step ups, three times over; 3 sets

Also, some walking as part of my commute to and from work...I work part-time as a cashier at a supermarket that is basically a bus drive away. Guesstimating about 25 minutes of actual walking.

Thoughts for Today

Wasn't my best day mentally. Last night I woke up what felt like 100 times. Couldn't really get comfortable in bed. Was feeling...upset, that's the word, at my PCP not calling me about the hip X-ray results -- some closure would have been nice -- which didn't help my mood. I swear sometimes I have to be basically exhausted to be able to sleep.

Balance felt suspect -- a clouded headspace can do that -- so used the desk in my apartment to assist with today's FL target. There is going to be a lot of desk/chair assisting going on for stabilization reasons. That's my reality, basically. (shrug)

Not a lot else to say about today as it's pretty much all I can think of.

 

[Tileenah]

I can so understand not being able to sleep in those conditions... Sending lots of empathy your way

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

April 26, 2023

About 25 (estimated) minutes of walking to and from an afternoon shift at work.

Upside-down day yesterday. Difficult nights under the covers recently caught up with me yesterday. I had enough energy inside to work a 4-hour shift that was extended to 5 because of need, and that was it.

Inevitably roasted a cashier working the line next to mine because I stepped out for service and she didn't, so I landed one of "her" customers. When she said, "You stealing my customers again?", I replied, "Now listen, I'm an equal opportunity stealer [of customers to assist] and insulter."

The colleague in question broke down laughing and walked away. After you've worked retail for even just a few months, cashier banter becomes a competitive sport...even though we all know it's not.

As for the right hip, I went to the patient portal a couple of days ago to ask my doctor what to do next...there was just no way to be G-rated over the phone as I still have smoke out my ears at him. Last night I was able to check again only to find he's suggesting physical therapy, again. FML (please don't ask what that means).

In better news, I get to work with my life coach tomorrow night. Knowing her, it's going to be an hour well spent.

 

[CODawn]

Welcome back.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

April 27-28, 2023

Both of these days were misfires as well, but not by choice. There has been a bug making the rounds at work…it appears to be just the common cold, but it’s been rough. I’ve had a tough time keeping food down without extracurricular activity (TMI I know…I’m sorry.)

Yesterday at work, one of my colleagues tried to come back from her cold but was she was not firing on all cylinders. She gave it her best but had to be sent home after three hours. I was fortunate: With nobody in my line, I told the person in charge I needed to go potty and had a violent…gross episode once there. If a colleague had heard it, I too would have been sent off for the afternoon. It didn’t happen again during shift, thank the stars, but the antics I’m normally known for were basically left out in exchange for trying to work as cleanly as possible, knowing my headspace wanted a more conservative approach.

When I visited my parents afterward and told them what happened, they thought it was allergies because my dad gets them bad during the peak allergy season. I’m hesitant to call it that because it would be really sudden; I have NKA (no known allergies) up to now.

One thing is for sure: I’m not going to be shut down that easily.

 

[Tileenah]

I hope you get better soon !

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

May 1, 2023

Foundation Light Day 4

10 raised leg swings, 6 alternate arm/leg raises, 10 upward leg extensions, 6 side leg extensions; 3 sets

Note: I don't really have log entries for 4/29 and 4/30 as I took time to recover from my cold both days. Worked a 4-hour shift on Sunday afternoon after first making sure that all was good enough to go (it was, thankfully).

So, this...well, let's just say I managed somehow. It wasn't pretty. Balance on my bad side -- my right -- is vulnerable to say the least, so some of those raises more resembled drags. But for what it is worth, I noticed my gait looked just a touch better afterwards, so there is that.

Generally feeling better. Had a couple of minor spit-ups today, but nothing like what plagued me when the cold first hit. I'm fairly sure a colleague at work "gave" it to me, but I'm not telling her that. I don't get sick very often -- thank the stars -- and this bug basically screwed with my head but not much else. Of course, sometimes other things can and do feel more acute when you're not firing on all cylinders...oh well.

Going for two in a row tomorrow. Should be able to do some short walking too.

Question for the bees: May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and one of the things in the back of my mind is looking for meditations or something else that might have a calming effect. I'll be looking too, but I was wondering if anyone had any resources they wanted to share to that end?

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

May 2, 2023

Foundation Light Day 5

4 step jacks, 10 side jacks, 4 step jacks, 10 march steps, 4 step jacks, 10 side leg raises; 3 sets

Also managed about 15 minutes of walking in the rain.

Daily Notes

Found a way to bag this bird, for lack of better language. It's been a crazy day.

My life coach let me know earlier today that she has been hired as an independent coach by two coaching companies. Since she had been working on her own (independently, basically) up to now, she isn't sure if she can continue working with me. This is admittedly a bit rough but my reaction was basically a non-reaction: I told her I was happy for her, knowing I wouldn't be working with her forever. It's been about two years that I've been working with said coach and she has taught me a lot. It will be very possible to carry on without her should that be the case.

The real "fun" was with my work shift...there was nobody in charge, period, all day. I have a bone to pick with whoever put together this week's schedule to say the very least. By some miracle -- and by rounding up change for a couple of customers, since I apparently could not a change request in when I needed one late in the shift -- nothing major happened and my till might be off by at most a couple of dollars (this would be US dollars, which I should add in here since the bees are from all over the world). It also meant I had to end my own shift, which is something I absolutely do not like to do. Fortunately I made sure I had worked an extra quarter hour (roughly) and completely emptied my line of customers before calling it a day.

Tomorrow will be easier. I have an early morning haircut -- which I am looking forward to -- and extending the workout streak to three is a virtual lock. One foot in front of the other.

 

[Tileenah]

you can do this!

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

Thank you @Tileenah Any cheerleaders are very welcome.

May 3, 2023

Foundation Light Day 6

12 flutter kicks, 3 sets

I also managed to take a 20-minute walk.

Daily Notes

The good news basically ended with the above. Very bad night under the covers last night. Some kind of disturbing dream about an association football match with the referee as blind as a bat and all the players were karate practitioners.

Wanted to do some grocery shopping but my attention span and brainwaves were not in it. Settled for buying toilet paper -- which I needed to get anyway -- and multivitamins that my doctor wants me on because my blood tests from the last visit apparently showed some kind of anemia. Killjoy.

I did get the haircut though. Not a fan of my hair growing long. I'm balding up top, but I've already decided I'll just rock it. With my luck, any kind of hair product will eventually get mixed with Viagra or something and I'll look like Don King (you may laugh at that if you wish).

 

[CODawn]

I'm glad you're feeling better. If you have to get a different life coach, it could be for the better. My husband has been going to physical therapy since October for an acute nerve issue that was impacting his daily activities. He's back to his normal activities but has some lingering issues and pain in other areas. A few weeks ago, his therapist left snd he was reluctant to start with someone else. He gave it a shot and he's really happy he did. He really liked the first therapist but the second therapist has a completely different way of looking at things and a different approach. Scott is hopeful they can work through some longer-term issues. The point is that a different life coach may have something different to offer.

 

[Tileenah]

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

@CODawn Yes, this is very true. I'm hoping Scott's condition improves with the new physical therapist.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

May 4, 2023

15 minutes or so walk to deliver meds to my dad across town...took a bus part of the way.

Daily Notes

Turned upside-down in a hurry. Slept poorly again -- I had a nightmare about guns, probably thanks at least in part to having to go through active shooter training at work earlier this week (company policy, and I'm puzzled as to why this happened because I'd been through that once before and knew ahead of time what the video's content was going to be, which was only a simulation). Noticed that the Amazon Echo Show apparently offers bedtime stories if I want to ask for one...maybe I should try that? Couldn't hurt.

Spent a little time at my parents' afterward only to discover that I basically "gave" my dad the virus that I had gotten from a work colleague...so he's going to be as good as out of commission for a few days (this is possible because I often come over on the weekends to help with household chores; both parents are in their 70s and not exactly in good physical shape). He's planning to take the cover off the air conditioner this weekend, so I'll come by for a day or two after shift tomorrow to assist with that (we hope).

The good is that I'm over my virus, whatever it was. One day at a time. Perhaps maybe one hour at a time might be easier right now.

 

[Tileenah]

for you and for dad

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

May 6, 2023

Something in the area of an hour and 20 minutes -- guesstimate might be slightly high but not by much -- of walking spread out today.

Daily Notes

There isn't much to say about 5/5...basically I cornered myself into a place where a workout was not possible. A visit to the help desk will be in order, once I figure out how I want to word it.

First the good: Even though this was spread out and even though I did feel it for a while during my shift this afternoon, this was by far the most walking, with or without a walking stick (FWIW, it was all with the walking stick) I've been able to do in probably over a year. My heart was happy about that and it took some of the sting out of another formal FL miss (consistency appears to be a problem here).

Now the bad: Today I felt compelled to lodge a formal complaint at work. Earlier this week, as some of you may recall, I had to work an entire shift without a direct supervisor because whoever is responsible for scheduling made no effort to work around one of the department managers being on holiday...which in turn had been known about for at least two weeks. This morning, it happened again for about two hours. A customer service representative -- that's the formal title for my direct supervisors -- finally got her tail in the door at around 2pm, but by then I was already doing a slow burn...a brave colleague who had been in before me saw the danger and tried to make the situation comfortable, but I could tell she was in over her head.

By chance I met one of the assistant managers on my way out and was upset enough to bring the matter to his attention.

"What kind of mom-and-pop operation is this?", I asked him. "There was nobody in charge all day on Tuesday, and I am not comfortable working without a direct supervisor." To his credit, he recognized the complaint as valid because it means two things: 1) Whoever is responsible for scheduling needs to be reprimanded, and 2) if they can't put a customer service representative on the floor consistently, they need to get off their keisters and make me a CSR. This would be a gamble because of my anxiety and occasional difficulty forming coherent thoughts verbally, but it would beat nothing at all after this week's (expletive deleted) show.

In the midst of all this, I was asked if I could cover a 1-5 shift tomorrow after a call-out. This time, I put my foot down and said absolutely not. I didn't say that something needs to be done about having supervisors on the floor without exception, but I probably should have. My stress levels can't and won't tolerate being put into a position where I have to make snap decisions on the fly that I am technically not supposed to make.

Next work shift is Wednesday. That will buy time to cool my jets, which is needed right now. Not going to lie.

 

[Tileenah]

for work... I hope Wednesday will be better!

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

May 7, 2023

Foundation Light Day 7

6 wall half squats, 6 step back/step ups, 4 calf raises, 10 chest expansions, 10 standing shoulder taps, 10 bicep extensions; 3 sets

Daily Notes

Emotionally, I still feel upset about last week. Invites to privately vent are welcome.

The good news: The bad news ends there today. The step back/step ups were done with a chair assist and the half squats were done VERY slowly as a matter of caution. Overall content with getting this off.

Spent the day with my parents across town. Both are under the weather — I seem to have given them my cold — but I still assisted with watering some grass seedlings for the better part of an hour. They hired landscapers this year because they have no choice: Both are in their seventies and asking me to do lawn mowing minus a walking stick is too big a risk to justify. Walking more than a few minutes at a time basically requires the walking stick, so that’s basically my normal now.

Yesterday was the Kentucky Derby…I had Monopoly money (meaning not real money) on a great horse. It took 17 other horses to beat him. (@CODawn I know you missed my brand of sarcasm…there you go).

 

[CODawn]

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

May 8, 2023

Foundation Light Day 8

10 leg raises and 10-count raised leg hold on both legs (one at a time of course), then 10 side leg raises and 10-count side raised leg hold (same idea); 3 sets

For what it's worth, I also spent half an hour sweeping debris from my parents' driveway before heading back across town to my apartment...or flat...or whatever that would be called to you.

Notes

This was not an easy one for me...at least on my right side it wasn't. Third and last set came the closest, but I had to grab my pant leg and pull to get anything at all out of the side leg raises. Given that I'm trying to get back into a routine I can live with, though, I'll take this.

Apparently, my life coach wants to try to hang on to about a half dozen of her private clients for the time being, including me. I'll let this happen, but I told her that if something changes and she needs to let me go, that would be okay because nothing is forever.

A thought crossed my mind of maybe getting some kind of stationary bike for my studio apartment...one that can be folded up. I don't know if it's valid or if I was hallucinating. People like me who work retail. when thoughts cross our minds, they tend to be long and lonely journeys...

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

May 9, 2023

Foundation Light Day 9

10 step jacks and 2 side jacks repeated 4 times over; 3 sets

Not exactly fast paced cardio, but also didn't have to modify, so there is that.

Daily Notes

Also spent about a half-hour on apartment upkeep...vacuum and a Swiffer mop basically.

So, first of two packages for US Mother's Day (on Sunday) arrived yesterday. I owe as much to my mother, who has been supportive of being in my own apartment the entire time. A big reason she orchestrated it is to be away from my dad, who is a flaming A (it's a cuss word so I can't type it out) and obese to boot.

Part of me wanted to tack on to today's workout, but I felt hesitant and held back. There is a lot of uncertainty as to where my limits are, and YouTube feels way too risky as a resource. This is probably the help desk question that I was trying to formulate in my head, so I will want to think this through a little bit more tonight.

Six-hour shift tomorrow...this could get "fun" if I catch my section with nobody in charge again. Twice in five days last week was two times too many.

 

[Tileenah]

I hope everything will be okay at work!

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

May 10, 2023

About 25 minutes of walking, which felt like a chore today. Work commute involved with all of it (I have to walk a few blocks after the bus ride to work).

Daily Notes

Today was a case of mind willing but body not. This is only a minor surprise as I had a bad night under the covers last night -- talking that through is complicated -- and definitely didn't feel sharp despite two coffees in the morning. In actual practice with my lovely (or not) osteoarthritis in my hip, though, hitting a Darebee workout every day may not be realistic...some days are going to be better than others when you have arthritis.

Work shift had proper supervision coverage this time -- there was clear indications of who was in charge -- so that was good for settling some nerves. Also, being able to walk a little beats nothing at all. Some days, it's the little things that you have to focus on.

The cashier banter got a bit brutal today, and in typical David fashion (fellow bees, you may call that if you wish, I have no preference) I was in the thick of it:

Me: I feel a lot older than I look and I'm only in my mid-40s.

Fellow cashier in the next lane over: You don't look old at all!

Me: Go get your eyes checked out, then!

Fellow cashier:

 

[Tileenah]

for bad night

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

May 11 and 12, 2023

Approx. 25 minutes of walking and a total of 13 wall half-squats on 5/11. See notes for more.

Notes

Day 10 of Foundation Light the other day didn't look hard...but my body basically said no to wall squats that I had been able to do earlier in the program. Maybe it was the rep count? It's hard to say. All I know is that trying to stretch the leg was only good for a handful more reps, and I never did make it to the calf raises. The bad side was problematic at times during the resulting work shift, adding insult to insult.

It isn't really a secret that I would sorely benefit from having a certified personal trainer and registered dietitian in my corner...but I can afford neither right now. Having to work through difficult stuff with my life coach is eating up the funds that would go to the previous two.

Last night bore out why I still need said life coach. After a very bad day in which I ate horribly (think undereating) and barely could motivate myself to do much besides lie there on my bed feeling helpless, I spent an hour with her exploring bad feelings of abandonment that had never been properly addressed. Among the contributors -- and this is not all of them:

1) Feeling like I was not disciplined enough by my parents in my formative years;

2) The time when on a previous platform a trainer I had a working relationship with was changed without warning, which felt like a full-on betrayal;

3) Administrators in secondary school not expelling students by the dozens after a scavenger hunt "prank" caused an estimated US $20K damage to city property...and there was evidence that was covered up and the real damage estimate was double that amount.

It was a very difficult conversation but one that needed to take place, and my inner child felt heard out which was very important. The work schedule this week is late coming out, so I won't be able to see if I can continue the conversation this coming week until later on. If I have to wait an additional week, that actually would be far from the worst thing that would happen because the nature of the session was so difficult and deep that it brought with it a lot to process.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

May 13, 2023

Walks to and from work, including extra distance to my parents' house across town for US Mother's Day tomorrow. Wasn't paying attention to time, but it had to have been at last 30 minutes and probably closer to 45.

After yesterday's difficult but needed conversation with my life coach, today was mostly focused on getting through what was a very busy five hours on the checkout line. Many, many flowers came down the line for US Mother's Day, and while my legs were absolutely talking to me after it was over -- it's hard to focus on my balance when you have to work a long line quickly and think even faster to defuse customers who would be upset with long waits -- I'm pretty sure I put in a better effort than the rest of the cashiers today.

Small scare at the start when it appeared for a moment like nobody was in charge. I asked a colleague if she knew and she revealed that she was a CSR in training and handling the morning. This felt better than me being in the same position, so I said thank you and that I felt better about that, took my lane assignment and went from there.

The work shift draw was a rough break and I won't get to work with my life coach next week, but as mentioned yesterday this isn't quite as bad as it sounds. The extra time to process everything that went down feels like it's needed right now.

Listening to an audio replay on YouTube of one of the early Ippon Grand Prix episodes from Japan as I'm typing this. Ippon Grand Prix is a bi-annual oogiri competition involving mostly established and up-and-coming Japanese comedy stars. I don't understand Japanese so the humor is going over my head, but it's safe to say that it goes to show the extremes I'll sometimes go to avoid mainstream programming on my side of the oceans.

And yes, you're welcome to ask what oogiri is.

I wish a happy and safe Mother's Day to all the mothers out there!

 

[CODawn]

I am glad you had a good but difficult conversation with your life coach.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

Me too @CODawn! I feel fortunate to have one who is a listener first and foremost, before she helps to understand what happened and why.

May 15, 2023

Foundation Light Day 10

10 wall half-squats, 10-count wall half-squat hold, 10 calf raises, 10-count calf raise hold; 3 sets

Notes

It's about time I sent this part of FL to a watery grave. Arthritis is a pain the neck sometimes.

Some of the angst surrounding having to struggle with this sometimes is real. I went back to my apartment after a quiet US Mother's Day (there is little to note from that so that's why no journal for yesterday), and the mood was...not what it could be.

I was having an eye-opener with a small group that, like me, disdains a lot of the activities in the apartment complex because of the number of people who tend to go. One noticed that I was looking a touch sullen, and like me she has a sarcasm streak (she's also a beached whale, but I'm not telling her that). She dared me to try her, and at first I said no suspecting that she was laying a trap.

But she insisted, and as you're all about to find out....sometimes it is not a good idea to poke the bear.

"Okay," I said, with others still in the room. "You asked for it. You're so ugly, the last time your mother took you to the zoo, the guy at the gate said, 'Thanks for bringing her back!'"

She took it well, but I refused to take that any farther. I felt I had pushed my luck enough at that point.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

May 16, 2023

Foundation Light Day 11

12 march steps, 6 incline plank slow climbers, 12 side leg raises, 6 incline plank leg raises; 3 sets

Notes

Ugh, my balance is so awful! Used my bed for the incline exercises. A chair assist had to be used for the rest.

Had to make some minor repairs to said bed before doing this. It wasn't a big deal: The bed is a hand-me-down, basically, and one of the nails on one of the mattress supporting beams had come loose. Some careful work moving the mattress and replacing the nail in question with a hammer was all that was really needed. At some point I might have to get a new bed frame, but what I have will do for now.

Tomorrow is the first of the three afternoons on the bounce at work. I'd like more hours than I have, but it's a very touchy topic. Money wasn't a sticking point when I was onboarded, and I don't want it to be a sticking point now. But my rent did go up this month after the annual rent review and I will need to risk TMI: As is stands, I'm actually coming out a good US $200-300 in the hole monthly after other expenses (mostly food) and shelling for my life coach which I do still need...without her I would have been a wreck by now and I definitely wouldn't have had anybody to work through past issues of abandonment. Yes, I'm a mess.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

May 20, 2023

I think one of these will summarize the last few days:

Okay, maybe I should be more specific: Motivation has basically fallen flat on its face, and I've gone in the opposite direction this week.

There were a couple of attempts at Foundation Light Day 12...but my body said no to the knee-in and stretch on both occasions, effectively stalling the program. Things only went south from there. Two specific things come to mind:

1) I still feel triggered from the last visit I had with my doctor. He weighed me as they are supposed to do and is scale is archaic, but it still left no doubt that I have only been getting fatter. I haven't eaten well the last four or five days as a result; restricting is the only way I know to get the pounds to disappear. I'm definitely feeling the effects from an energy standpoint, but my life coach is not a registered dietitian so her hands are tied (already known, there was no point in bringing this up to her this week). As if I needed another reason to lament not being able to afford a nutritionist right now (one that specializes in intuitive eating would be helpful beyond words).

2) The other day saw a CSR (customer service representative) handle a major rush at the store incompetently, leaving myself and one other cashier to our own devices and not once making a call on the intercom for backup. When she decided to send me on my mandatory break, I didn't mince any words. I told her, "You need to get a line open, because I am not leaving Kaylie (the other cashier) alone right now."

Cashiers aren't supposed to tell their superiors what to do.

When I confessed to a manager what I had done yesterday, I was exonerated on the spot for doing what that manager would have done, and apparently the CSR in question was reprimanded for acting clueless in a situation that she had been able to handle before. Somehow I finished that shift like a champion, tossing apologies for the wait around like it was going out of style, and was rewarded when not one customer had any complaints at me personally. The rest of the store took a lot of heat, though.

The intent is of course to get back on the wagon, but right now it's a duel with my headspace and I'm losing that battle.

 

[CODawn]

I hate the feelling of losing the headspace battle.

 

[Tileenah]

it is a hard battle. Good luck !

 

[Fremen]

 

[BetaCorvi]

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

Thanks everyone!

May 22, 2023

About half an hour's worth of walking around riding on the metro...see below.

Notes

I wish I was making up the following...but I'm not. I have no better place to put this, so if anyone reads this and is triggered, I apologize in advance.

I have a sister who has been battling ovarian cancer for the last several years now. She has been in remission multiple times -- I can't remember how many but it's definitely at least two so "times" as in plural -- but each time it has apparently come back stronger. Very difficult news came in this past weekend...the treatment process has been doing more harm to her than good, so she, her wife, and my older brother who has come in from New York to act as a proxy, had to make the difficult decision to stop the treatment.

She's really weak right now, and the pain meds she is on are sedating her...it's not uncommon, I've been told, for said meds to knock her out for three hours at a time.

Today, my parents went to visit her in the hospital with the older brother doing the driving to Boston. They wouldn't let me go with them. I protested, using the argument that I felt like a bad brother if I didn't go in to see her too. Full disclosure: I was screwed over when I was in the hospital last March, so I know how much it would hurt for her to not have support.

The older brother found a compromise: Go in with him alone during the afternoon, since I have work shifts several times this week and was getting vehement about doing what I felt was the right thing to do (I shouldn't be saying this, but with my luck her days are likely numbered). Only then did my parents relent, and I went to visit her for about an hour.

She was sedated from pain meds but was able to recognize me, which was about all we could hope for as she was pretty much asleep and resting from the pain meds. Her wife and my older brother talked briefly about the NBA playoffs, and I mentioned that it was good to have nature scenes, which were showing the monitor in her room, available...and how I wished I had access to same when I was in the hospital.

I wanted to stay longer but had to find my own way back which I knew would take over an hour (Boston's metro system is in a constant state of disrepair to say the very least). It was a very hard trip and my brain is still numb from it, but I knew it was the right thing to do.

My parents are taking this far harder than I am, which is saying something because stuff like this very easily throws me into a tizzy. The immediate future looks difficult as from a support standpoint I feel worthless...there is a definite limit when you don't know what to say and don't feel especially close to immediate family as I do.

 

[OJJJEM]

From the point of view of someone who has been surrounded by death and at death's door enough times to last more than two lifetimes, I will say this: Apologize if you need to. Say, "I love you," before it's too late, and then just be silent and still with your trap shut so as to not offend anybody who's taking it harder than you. That's really all that can be said when facing death. As for what you can do, be present, and make your presence known for the one who's dying... Half the time, she won't know who's by her side, only that someone was. That's what happens when you're so far gone that you need to be knocked out. Touch is more important than words when making sure she knows someone's there. Finally, the thing I remember most was cotton mouth. Someone kept me from dry mouth. I found out later that it was my dad who stayed by my side and eased that discomfort.

Don't feel bad about not knowing what to say. There's very little that can be said when grief is involved... Presence matters more.

 

[CODawn]

I'm so sorry to hear aboutuour sister and your difficult family situation on top of it.

 

[Tileenah]

lots of love to you and your family...

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

Thank you bees. That wasn't easy to let out. I'll try to keep everyone posted if I can. Situation is fluid, needless to say.

May 23, 2023

Foundation Light Day 12

8 knee-in/stretch, 8 upward leg swings, 16 kneeling hamstring curls on both sides with 8-count hold at the end; 3 sets

Notes

Before anybody says, "David, that's not what the program outlined," I would like to point out that it's definitely not. But upward leg swings weren't happening today so heavy modification was needed and I am fully aware that I basically cheated. Win some, lose some. I'll concede this L just to get a monkey off of my back...or maybe it's get rid of the elephant in the room?

Had a five-hour work shift today, and did what I could with it on one of the regular lines. I normally work the express line, but my manager needed somebody else on a normal line today. I "stole" a customer -- which is code for telling a shopper that he/she can go onto your line because it's open -- from another line by stepping out for service (which I don't see my fellow cashiers doing at all, it only involves going to the front of your checkout lane and taking a look around for someone who needs help), and was teased by the cashier on that lane.

"You stealing customers from my line again?" she asks.

"Now hear this, Anastasia [the cashier trying to tease me]: I'm an equal opportunity stealer [of customers] and insulter (aka banter). I'm also not really in a place to be messed with so you might want to keep that to a minimum."

This was acknowledged and she left me alone. Anastasia and one other cashier ahead of me were selected to be trained as CSRs. I don't have a problem with this. I had asked if I could be cross-trained a few months back, but that didn't go anywhere. Don't blame office politics: My nerves can be a bit on the unstable side and I would bet good money that the store has found a safe niche for me. I'm not about to complain. At least I have a job.

Not mentioned in the activity section was a walk up to the bus depot as part of my commute after work. I'm guesstimating the 10-15 minute range on that.

 

[CODawn]

Sometimes, modifications are necessary. It's not cheating, it's adapting.

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

May 24, 2023

Foundation Light Day 13

14 flutter kicks; 3 sets

Notes

First the flutter kicks: Did these seated on my bed, leaned back a touch. No clue if I'm doing them right. The video exercise library didn't help because it had no spoken instruction, which I often have to rely on because for me it isn't intuitive. So if I discover later I was throwing 14 cheap seated front kicks three times over, oh well to me.

There is otherwise not much to say about today because last night was a disaster. I might have gotten maybe four hours sleep at most, and it was a case of Dumb David Tricks (sorry @CODawn): I was just lying there hoping the sandman would come or something, but my mind was clearly off to the races (I eventually told my life coach we might have to do a video call on Friday night; I will make a decision on that in the morning as she said whatever I need to do).

So I didn't venture out of my unit much. Felt imbalanced enough that a small grocery run I wanted to do ended up being ordered on Amazon via Whole Foods Market and delivered. Probably spent US$20 too much at a minimum -- including delivery fee that was basically US$10 -- but as much as I felt too lightheaded from poor sleep to walk over to the store, I also didn't want to wait. Win some, lose some, see some get rained out.

Going across town to my parents' tomorrow, and from there to see sister in hospital. I expect it to be a difficult trip, so if there is no post tomorrow night please forgive.

 

[Tileenah]

sending you lots of love, strength and empathy for you, difficult trip and your family