Looser's Log

Blade

Blade

Member
Assassin Posts: 5
I know it's not the best name for my very first log here and on the first day of a new year but that suits well I guess... I haven't done this sort of a thing before so this may be a bit awkward for the pro loggers here.

Although I'm new to logging, Darebee is nothing new for me, I discovered this amazing website like in 2018 and I had an account in the previous system but wasn't very active in the community. Anyway I used to come here every now and then and see what's going on. That's a bit about Darebee and me.

Well...the reason I started this log is I'm going through a very tough time in my life right now. I have friends but I couldn't find someone I can trust totally and share my problems with. It is a lot hard to find such a person because once you open up completely most of them will change their view on you and ... they'll change eventually. So I thought about logging my thoughts somewhere and it seems I've found a safe place. And couple of minutes ago it dawned on me that it's the 1st of Jan and here we are... let's see if this helps. Actually I'm not seeking anyone's sympathy but just trying to throw my thoughts somewhere and see what happens

Talking about me, I just passed my teenage years and am currently studying as a university student. I hate the course I study. I am here mainly because my parents wanted me to be here. I have told many people this pathetic story and I myself am fed up with it. But it's true. I have a coming exam next week and a bar exam a couple of weeks later. I know I didn't and am not studying well so I'm gonna mess it up and repeat the whole year again. I love science. But not biological things. Yet here I am. This is pure torture. I think I'm stressed a lot. maybe depressed idk how it feels. I don't know what to do. I feel like crying but I can't. What will people think? Actually I do, alone, at night. Life sucks. I'm physically weak. Skinny. Mentally it's a mess. Socially? I fear talking to new people. Yeah I'm shy. I missed lots of things because of this. Even today. I'm not so popular. Who doesn't like to be? And academically I'm going on all fours right now. I used to be the brightest student in the good old school days. But now it has changed. That was like my whole personality. Just think of ripping off your core personality off of you. It hurts. A lot. I even feel like does this life worth living it?

But I want to change. Things are not right. But I can't figure out how. I feel stuck. Nothing works. I end up making the same mistake again and again. I've become lazy. I do nothing most of the day just lay around and keep thinking and thinking. I have a massive crush on a girl in the neighbourhood. Does she like me? Idk I don't deserve her. I feel little. No self confidence at all. No wonder girls do not like me. Yet I haven't asked her out but who knows . I'm on study leave. It sucks. I don't know what'll happen. But I have to do something. Let's see...

I love physical exercising. It calms my mind and I feel good for a while after it. I like running. But I couldn't run for a while. it rains in here in the evening these days. But anyway I went out and ran today. It rained. But I ran in the rain. Now I feel good and in a mood to type this thing up. Just for the record:
> I walked 1K
> jogged 2K in one go
> then walked and sprinted alternatively within 2K
> walked 1K

I don't know when I'll post here again but I'll try to do so whenever I feel like this. If someone read this thank you. It took about 1 hour to write this up. I'll stop here. Later.
 
Blade

Blade

Member
Assassin Posts: 5
Thank you all for your replies and reactions. It means a lot to me.
Well today was better than yesterday, I felt more energetic and positive. I did some studies and planned tomorrow. All day I was at home. I think I should focus more on my studies these days. Exams are not over yet I still have time to make a change, at least a little change.

Since I did some legwork yesterday I did some upper body and ab work today.
> I did the chest, arms & core workout in level 1
> did 20 sit ups + 20 reverse crunches + 20 side kicks after each set of above workout

I should run tomorrow again if the rain permits.
Later
 
Blade

Blade

Member
Assassin Posts: 5
Yesterday was terrible. It didn't rain but I didn't run either.
The usual bus I took to uni broke and I had to wait almost an hour on the street. I spent most of the day in the library but I think I was not very productive or efficient. When I returned home I didn't feel good. I kept thinking and basically doing nothing but lying around rest of the day. No physical exercises either. Sorry I didn't feel like going for a run. I felt bad.

On the other hand today was much better. Although I got up little late I did some studies in the day time and went for a run : )
> I walked 1 K
> jogged 2 K
> walked and sprinted alternatively within 2 K
> walked 1 K
> did some sit ups at the end

The track where I run is a loop and one round is 2 K. I have run about 3.5 K there in one go and that's my personal best I guess.
Couple of months earlier there was the freshers athletics championship at uni and I ran 400 m 800 m and discus throw. I didn't get places in any of these though : ( but at least I tried. The 400 m race was so cool. I was in the second place first 300 m but was overtaken in the final of 100 m. That last bit was bitter. I felt like exploding. To run 400 m one should have both good speed and good endurance throughout the whole race. I really want to get a place in a coming 400 m event. Let's see. And I want to build some muscle. I'm not gonna get any girl in this shape.

If any of you have suggestions or anything feel free to share with me.
My legs hurt. later.
 
Blade

Blade

Member
Assassin Posts: 5
Since my last post I have not done anything. No physical exercise. No serious studies. Nothing.
And I have nothing to say.

It's exam week and I handed a sheet with lies and blanks.
I feel terrible. Bad. Sad.

Everything is gonna collapse soon.
 
Blade

Blade

Member
Assassin Posts: 5
Hello there...
Just checking in, well exams were over last Friday and on my way back home I rolled my foot and sprained the ankle so that now I can only barely walk. I was hoping to run a lot but I don't know, that's how it happened... Didn't do anything significant since then but at least I should do some upper body work today. Let's see.

I want to change. But I feel like even the universe is not letting me.
 
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