How is everyone?

[koriandr]

Given the disasters, economical and political disasters included, the world has become one not so bright place, or so it seems. What's your take on the current situation?

 

[Damer]

@koriandr you're right. RL is a little sucky right now for virtually everyone. In my dayjob this comes up again and again so what I will say comes from many discussions with different experts from different fields. We're in a transition. The 20th century's behind us and as we're neurobiologically programmed to do we've kicked the proverbial can down the road until it can no longer be kicked any further. Everything we're experiencing is because systemic failures have led us to this point and we now need systemic changes to happen. They will. It takes time and the interim period is really painful. In the meantime we need to be as positive as possible, things will be a little bleak regardless but how we perceive our ability to handle them makes all the difference.

 

[Damer]

Salford England? @Heniek What a strange world it is. I lived in Bramhall and often worked at Salford Quays. The area is unrecognizable from the time you were there and ... what a small world this is.

 

[lofivelcro]

I'm doing pretty well in my little bubble out in the sticks. We're talking a lot about things going on, especially now that my cousin lives with us who left his home country a couple of months ago in anticipation of the mobilisation.
But then, there's so much to do, I'm prepared for a lot of things as best as I can, and aside from that, it's living my life as much as possible because I can't change anything big by myself anyway and I'm far from feeling cornered enough to actually do something out of desperation.
So, life's going on as usual, pretty much.

 

[koriandr]

I'm doing pretty well in my little bubble out in the sticks. We're talking a lot about things going on, especially now that my cousin lives with us who left his home country a couple of months ago in anticipation of the mobilisation.
But then, there's so much to do, I'm prepared for a lot of things as best as I can, and aside from that, it's living my life as much as possible because I can't change anything big by myself anyway and I'm far from feeling cornered enough to actually do something out of desperation.
So, life's going on as usual, pretty much.

Speaking about mobilisation and the recent events in Ukraine, I fear we are as close to a nuclear threat, if not closer, as we were during the Cuba crisis. Given that I'm currently living in Europe and not far from the "operation", I'm constantly on torns, waiting for the sirens to go off.

 

[Nevetharine]

Eh. Unemployed. Very little prospect for employment in the town I live. No money to go anywhere else. Just another day in South Africa.

Also strange mix of feeling lonely/liking the loneliness. Which is normal for me. Sadly. I don't identify with the people of this town. Nope. Not one of them. (Here everyone knows everyone.)

And of course the usual wishes that aliens would please come down and just abduct me. As a result of what's going on in the world. I've stopped watching the news.

**Stares out the window at the stars, looking for movement, and jumps up and down whenever something moves, shouting "Here I am!"***

 

[Nevetharine]

Speaking about mobilisation and the recent events in Ukraine, I fear we are as close to a nuclear threat, if not closer, as we were during the Cuba crisis. Given that I'm currently living in Europe and not far from the "operation", I'm constantly on torns, waiting for the sirens to go off.

I'm sorry that you have to live through that stress.

It doesn't really help, but prepare as best you can and try not to worry about what you cannot change. If you can't change it, worrying just takes away some peace you could have had today.

That's what I tell myself in my tough times anyway.

Sending lots of virtual light and warmth your way

 

[koriandr]

Eh. Unemployed. Very little prospect for employment in the town I live. No money to go anywhere else. Just another day in South Africa.

Also strange mix of feeling lonely/liking the loneliness. Which is normal for me. Sadly. I don't identify with the people of this town. Nope. Not one of them. (Here everyone knows everyone.)

And of course the usual wishes that aliens would please come down and just abduct me. As a result of what's going on in the world. I've stopped watching the news.

**Stares out the window at the stars, looking for movement, and jumps up and down whenever something moves, shouting "Here I am!"***

Sometimes I wish I could just fly away from this planet and go have fun with the Universe lol.

I'm sorry that you have to live through that stress.

It doesn't really help, but prepare as best you can and try not to worry about what you cannot change. If you can't change it, worrying just takes away some peace you could have had today.

That's what I tell myself in my tough times anyway.

Sending lots of virtual light and warmth your way

Oh I'm sure this is just a phase we're living through, as @Damer above wrote. I'm also sure aliens are having their inner wars as well !
I'm positive on the front that everything will be alright one day, but the transition to this "one day" is painful and will probably be darker than anything humanity has experienced, but withstanding hard times is a very valuable human trait of up most quality that most aliens would be envious of.

 

[Nevetharine]

Sometimes I wish I could just fly away from this planet and go have fun with the Universe lol.

Oh I'm sure this is just a phase we're living through, as @Damer above wrote. I'm also sure aliens are having their inner wars as well !
I'm positive on the front that everything will be alright one day, but the transition to this "one day" is painful and will probably be darker than anything humanity has experienced, but withstanding hard times is a very valuable human trait of up most quality that most aliens would be envious of.

Self-imposed hardship. Because of fake borders and fake territories that supposedly devides us. It's nothing but a social construct. We are all human. One race. One world. Except when it comes to politicians.

This is doing nothing for my human-love level. And just makes me feel more like an outcast. My meditation leader has urged me to try to think of it in the way that - all humans really only want to be happy, as a way to get me to feel connected to everyone.

But at what cost do you want to achieve happiness? Be kind. That's all.

There's such a small handful of humans I can really associate with. And they're all so far away. Hence me wanting to call down aliens. I'm sure those of them watching us are probably shaking their heads and slapping themselves across the face.

 

[koriandr]

Self-imposed hardship. Because of fake borders and fake territories that supposedly devides us. It's nothing but a social construct. We are all human. One race. One world. Except when it comes to politicians.

This is doing nothing for my human-love level. And just makes me feel more like an outcast. My meditation leader has urged me to try to think of it in the way that - all humans really only want to be happy, as a way to get me to feel connected to everyone.

But at what cost do you want to achieve happiness? Be kind. That's all.

There's such a small handful of humans I can really associate with. And they're all so far away. Hence me wanting to call down aliens. I'm sure those of them watching us are probably shaking their heads and slapping themselves across the face.

And don't start me on the negative effects upon the flora and fauna humanity has conducted, supplying the neverending consumerism they call "happiness". I personally think humanity will prosper only when they ascend spiritually above all negative influence and emotion. Only then will they be able to call themselves "intelligent" species. Currently you can't tell them apart from the monkeys they supposedly came out of, lead by anger and greed, too prideful to declare their mistakes and too lazy to do something about them. Why do you think aliens don't visit this place?

Now that I've gotten that out of me...I believe there's a lot of potential in humanity. It saddens me that the people with power, the ones that, for some stupid reason, have the final say on what goes, are spiritually illiterate. Humans are not meant to be in concrete jungles, eating stuff made out of questionable substances, numbing their senses with cheap distractions from life. Humans are meant to be one with nature.

I've got so many stories about interactions with wildlife, with nature, that everytime I hear about disasters, birthed from the climate change, which by itself was created by the beings meant to protect this planet, it saddens me to a point as if I've lost a close relative. Everything has a conscious, it feels, it needs, it lives. Humanity has been chosen to take up the role of leaders and protectors of this planet, connect with it's inhabitants, but all they do is think about themselves, leaving the fate of this planet be like the one of Mars and Venus.

Here I go, carried away with my pessimism, but don't let it fool you, I believe things will change.

 

[Nevetharine]

And don't start me on the negative effects upon the flora and fauna humanity has conducted, supplying the neverending consumerism they call "happiness". I personally think humanity will prosper only when they ascend spiritually above all negative influence and emotion. Only then will they be able to call themselves "intelligent" species. Currently you can't tell them apart from the monkeys they supposedly came out of, lead by anger and greed, too prideful to declare their mistakes and too lazy to do something about them. Why do you think aliens don't visit this place?

Now that I've gotten that out of me...I believe there's a lot of potential in humanity. It saddens me that the people with power, the ones that, for some stupid reason, have the final say on what goes, are spiritually illiterate. Humans are not meant to be in concrete jungles, eating stuff made out of questionable substances, numbing their senses with cheap distractions from life. Humans are meant to be one with nature.

I've got so many stories about interactions with wildlife, with nature, that everytime I hear about disasters, birthed from the climate change, which by itself was created by the beings meant to protect this planet, it saddens me to a point as if I've lost a close relative. Everything has a conscious, it feels, it needs, it lives. Humanity has been chosen to take up the role of leaders and protectors of this planet, connect with it's inhabitants, but all they do is think about themselves, leaving the fate of this planet be like the one of Mars and Venus.

Here I go, carried away with my pessimism, but don't let it fool you, I believe things will change.

Yeah I don't even want to think about the environment. I'm such an animal/nature lover and that kind of stuff just makes me depressed because I can do nothing on my own to fix it.

Humans do have the capacity for goodness and ... Oneness. It's a shame so few use it. Correction - it's a shame so few in power use it.

But yes, good and bad is the circle of life. Nothing good lasts. Neither does anything bad. They forever alternate between each other.

Another flaw of mine, as my spiritual teacher pointed out, is that I tend to view my entire life as a single event. It's ALL good/bad because of X.

And that's not how it works. We have to have a mountain-top view..and realize that we are tapestries of multiple events... Both good and bad. There is no one event in life that ultimately makes EVERYTHING good or bad.

One bad thing shouldn't fall like a blanket over a whole day. It's just a moment.

 

[koriandr]

Yeah I don't even want to think about the environment. I'm such an animal/nature lover and that kind of stuff just makes me depressed because I can do nothing on my own to fix it.

Humans do have the capacity for goodness and ... Oneness. It's a shame so few use it. Correction - it's a shame so few in power use it.

But yes, good and bad is the circle of life. Nothing good lasts. Neither does anything bad. They forever alternate between each other.

Another flaw of mine, as my spiritual teacher pointed out, is that I tend to view my entire life as a single event. It's ALL good/bad because of X.

And that's not how it works. We have to have a mountain-top view..and realize that we are tapestries of multiple events... Both good and bad. There is no one event in life that ultimately makes EVERYTHING good or bad.

One bad thing shouldn't fall like a blanket over a whole day. It's just a moment.

And we are the ones that decide how big of an impact that makes on our lives! That was a very nice and sweet explanation on how we should perceive our surrounding world with all of it's nuances and shapes!

Eh. Unemployed. Very little prospect for employment in the town I live. No money to go anywhere else. Just another day in South Africa.

Also strange mix of feeling lonely/liking the loneliness. Which is normal for me. Sadly. I don't identify with the people of this town. Nope. Not one of them. (Here everyone knows everyone.)

And of course the usual wishes that aliens would please come down and just abduct me. As a result of what's going on in the world. I've stopped watching the news.

**Stares out the window at the stars, looking for movement, and jumps up and down whenever something moves, shouting "Here I am!"***

And about the part about feeling lonely, I can relate. The moment I graduated all of my friends just, went on with their lifes. The circle of friends I had now looks more like a zero lol.
But I try to do what I like and basically engulf myself in positive thoughts, even though the surrounding of people around me are not so pleasant at times.

 

[lofivelcro]

Speaking about mobilisation and the recent events in Ukraine, I fear we are as close to a nuclear threat, if not closer, as we were during the Cuba crisis. Given that I'm currently living in Europe and not far from the "operation", I'm constantly on torns, waiting for the sirens to go off.

I live closer to the Ukraine than I've ever before, but I'm not all that worried about a nuclear threat. If something happens, it does happen, whether I want it to or not, whether I'm prepared or not, so I'm not all that bothered by it. And then there's a lot of questions regarding nuclear weapons, the condition of those in the world, the maintenance question, and the generally overstated danger of those. Sure, I don't want a big war happening, but a nuclear war doesn't spell the end of the world as fiction wants us to believe.
Not very comforting if an all out war should happen, but like I said, either it does or not, and I can't change anything atm anyway.

 

[Fitato]

Well, something just hit me pretty hard...I don't love anyone right now.

I mean, I have a general love for humanity. I love people, and I love the kindness strangers can show each other. I feel love for the idea of love.

But I stopped loving my (former) best friend. I loved her for so many years, but she changed a couple years ago. Things had been going downhill, and our friendship officially ended a little over a month ago, but it's so, so odd to me that I no longer feel love for her. I've cut that feeling off because of what she did to me - she's no longer the person I loved.

I don't love my ex anymore, either. I never loved him romantically, we never got to that point, but I loved him as a friend quite a bit. We recently became friends again, but I realized that I ended up losing my platonic love for him too along the way. It's comfortable talking to him, but it's still not like it was before - the platonic affection just isn't there.

This is the first period of my life where I haven't loved anyone. I had my grandpa and grandma to love growing up. They passed away. I had my cat who I loved, he meant the world to me. He passed away. It feels so strange to me to be in this position now. I never really thought about it. I assumed me and my best friend would be friends forever. I never imagined she could or would turn into the person she turned into, and I never imagined my feelings would go away. I thought I would still love her no matter what she did or who she became. I always talked about "forever" with her, having no clue that "forever" wouldn't last.

I used to love all of my friends, but I don't anymore. Maybe I never really loved them, maybe that was immaturity, my desperation to feel loved, so I told them I loved them in order to hear them tell me they loved me too. A fake love?

I don't love my current cat. I find myself kissing him and telling him he's a good cat and that I love him, but that's kind of just on autopilot. I don't really feel much for him. I've had him for over a year now, and I don't know if I'll ever develop real love for him.

Maybe I just stopped being able to feel it somewhere along the way.

 

[Nevetharine]

Well, something just hit me pretty hard...I don't love anyone right now.

I mean, I have a general love for humanity. I love people, and I love the kindness strangers can show each other. I feel love for the idea of love.

But I stopped loving my (former) best friend. I loved her for so many years, but she changed a couple years ago. Things had been going downhill, and our friendship officially ended a little over a month ago, but it's so, so odd to me that I no longer feel love for her. I've cut that feeling off because of what she did to me - she's no longer the person I loved.

I don't love my ex anymore, either. I never loved him romantically, we never got to that point, but I loved him as a friend quite a bit. We recently became friends again, but I realized that I ended up losing my platonic love for him too along the way. It's comfortable talking to him, but it's still not like it was before - the platonic affection just isn't there.

This is the first period of my life where I haven't loved anyone. I had my grandpa and grandma to love growing up. They passed away. I had my cat who I loved, he meant the world to me. He passed away. It feels so strange to me to be in this position now. I never really thought about it. I assumed me and my best friend would be friends forever. I never imagined she could or would turn into the person she turned into, and I never imagined my feelings would go away. I thought I would still love her no matter what she did or who she became. I always talked about "forever" with her, having no clue that "forever" wouldn't last.

I used to love all of my friends, but I don't anymore. Maybe I never really loved them, maybe that was immaturity, my desperation to feel loved, so I told them I loved them in order to hear them tell me they loved me too. A fake love?

I don't love my current cat. I find myself kissing him and telling him he's a good cat and that I love him, but that's kind of just on autopilot. I don't really feel much for him. I've had him for over a year now, and I don't know if I'll ever develop real love for him.

Maybe I just stopped being able to feel it somewhere along the way.

This may or may not help. I have trouble feeling any kind of emotion besides depression and sadness and anger.

A long time ago, I talked to a church leader about it. I expressed that I don't feel like I can love.

He told me that love isn't an emotion. It's an action. If it was an emotion, it would be stormy, like anger that comes and goes. But for it to be lasting like in 80-year marriages, it needs to be more than emotion - something we could consciously choose to do.

I mean, just because you want to murder someone close one day doesn't mean you don't love them anymore. It just means that maybe they pissed you off.

And what I've noticed, is that my love doesn't feel like much in the moment. For me in order to "see" if I love something or someone, I need to picture what it would be like without it. What would I feel like if it suddenly died? Or was taken away forever?

If I see myself sinking down on the floor, crying unstoppably and feeling like the world has ended, chances are I love it. It's extreme but it's how my brain works.

Also... And this is triggering so I won't mention the s-word. But when I'm really, REALLY depressed, the things/person I love tends to become my reason for sticking around when I'm in a very bad, dark place.

I don't know if any of that helped but I do hope that you feel better soon and that you find something to love and cherish. Maybe a new pet?

 

[Nevetharine]

And since we're on heavy topics. This past week I've just remembered that the reason I have trouble connecting to people is because I couldn't fully trust my only caregiver (who was my grandmother). I won't get into details but she often threatened to send me away or even asked Santa for a different daughter one time instead of just giving me a smack when I did something wrong.

Do you guys know how damaging that is for a young child?

And I didn't make friends at school either. And I don't mean middle- or high school. I mean from the time I was in a chreche. Pre-school, guys. And I can't even tell you why I was just cast aside. I was never unfriendly with anyone. Ever. For some reason kids just didn't want to play with me. Or sit with me. And when they did I was often the subject of ridicule for various reasons. I never had lasting friendships. Maybe I could sit with someone for a month or so before they'd move on. And I'd be alone again. And yes it has consistently happened in adulthood too, though mostly because I choose to distance myself from hypocritical people who pretend to be my friends only to drag me through the mud behind my back.

So, that's the origins of my anti-social behavior (more love towards animals and nature than humans) officially unrooted and laid bare.

That brings me to my current issue. I feel like I need to talk to someone about this, I don't know for what reason, what I'm looking to gain from it.

But I feel like I can't.

I feel like I have to apologise for talking about it because people don't have time to listen to stuff like this, or they'll think I'm just looking for attention.

So. Sorry for typing this. But maybe writing it helps. Since opening up to my church leader hasn't helped any, yet. (The guy might just be busy and I've been spending the morning crying because "even he has pushed me aside".)

I need chocolate.

 

[Fitato]

@Nevetharine

I appreciate your reply to my post. It seems like you and I have had similar experiences at least in terms of pain and depression. It sounds like what your grandmother did was raise you to always be fearful, that one wrong move could make her be mean to you or threaten to get rid of you. Like you weren't good enough to be her granddaughter unless you were perfect at every moment. It's incredibly difficult to unlearn those fears and be open and vulnerable around others.

You're not forcing anyone to spend time reading your posts. There will be people who read a couple sentences and decide to stop, or just glance at the length and decide it's too long for them. But there will also be people who have the time and the interest to look at your post and read it all the way through, of their own choice. It is the internet over here, where we have an incredible amount of freedom to do what we want. I'm sure your grandmother constantly made you second guess what you could trust her with, and I'm sure she did make you feel like you were wasting her time - but no one in here is obligated to listen to you, we all choose to put our time into you if that's what we want to do.

People will disappoint you - in this case, you seem to feel disappointed in how long it's taking our church leader to help you out. I don't know who he is or what's going on, but I can tell you that people doing things that make you feel hurt isn't automatically the same as them not caring about you or pushing you aside. Instead of thinking "even he has pushed me aside", I recommend telling yourself something like, "I can't prove that he's pushed me aside. But it hurts that he isn't here right now."

Let yourself feel hurt over it, but don't make yourself feel more hurt than you need to.

Are you in therapy? If you're not, then I hope you have access to it. I wouldn't have been able to be where I am today without it. I still feel down and hurt frequently, but my therapist helped me clear my mind and taught me how to keep myself grounded. Again, I still spiral, but it happens much less frequently than it would have otherwise. I wouldn't know how to pull myself back up if not for her help.

TW: Abuse

I was also abused by my mother growing up I lived half my time with her and half my time with my grandparents. I'm so grateful for my grandparents showing me love and kindness - if not for them, I'd be much worse off. But despite that genuine love, I'm still suffering from the damage my mother caused me. My grandma passed when I was 7, and my grandpa passed when I was about 13. So I still spent a lot of time with an abusive mother without any support system in place.

My mom used a lot of mind tricks on me. It's still hard for me to refer to it as "abuse" because I feel like minimizing it. I remember her always getting angry at me when I talked about my grandparents in an affectionate way - she would tell me I only love them because they spoil me. Even one time told me she was glad they were dead. She would attack them every time she and I got into a fight, tell me that my grandparents brainwashed me and that's why I hate her. Even though my grandparents never talked badly about my mom when I was with them - she was the only one who would attack the other party.

Even when I was just in 2nd grade, I remember my mom screaming at me and pouring all of her medication into her hand and telling me she was going to kill herself because I wasn't behaving. I begged her not to, and she told me it was too late. I was terrified, I told her it was a sin and that she would go to hell, and she told me "God will understand". I can't believe my mom pulled that crap on me when I was that young, when I didn't know anything about the world. All I knew was that my mom was going to die and that it was my fault because I wasn't behaving.

 

[Nevetharine]

I appreciate your reply to my post. It seems like you and I have had similar experiences at least in terms of pain and depression.

I don't have access to therapy. Apart from the fact that I can't afford it, in this small town there are only 2 psychologists, I went to each of them once and hated both. It had nothing to do with their snobby personalities...I swear...

I'm used to trying to logically think my way out of my spirals. And when I can't, my husband and my parrot gets me out of them without even knowing it. Like I said, they are my reasons for sticking around. Or after 2 hours of crying, I CHOOSE to stop because by that time I'm exhausted, and I decide that crying isn't helping - it's just draining my energy further. And it's not changing a damn thing.

So I'm used to dealing with all this stuff alone. I know it can't be changed. I know I'm the only one that can challenge those beliefs. Sure a psychologist can help, but I am the one who has to do the "physical" work of challenging my brain's beliefs.

I just want someone to listen now and then. And be sympathetic. That's all. I suppose, I want a reminder that I hadn't completely been left alone. Forever.

I appreciate that you took the time to read. Sure does sound that we went through similar things. May your journey be light, and peaceful, and warm

I wanted to add. Said spiritual leader didn't abandon me - he was with another client throughout the day and answered me last night. Sigh.

He assured me that he would always be there to listen. And that I need more (regular) meditation. Lol. Can't argue that.

 

[koriandr]

I'm glad that a lot of people wrote how they feel. I personally believe that writing something that bothers you down, is a form of expressing it out of oneself. It's not a therapeutic session with a professional, it's more like a form of mediation than anything. You're focusing on one problem and letting it out. I hope all of you find closure with your current problems and realise that we all care. We're here to listen and understand. That's why I created this thread for. I also hope more people share their stories here, because I truly believe that once you read someone's story and realise that it basically describes you, you'll find a friend. Or even a soulmate.

Take care guys

 

[demski]

I'm glad that a lot of people wrote how they feel. I personally believe that writing something that bothers you down, is a form of expressing it out of oneself. It's not a therapeutic session with a professional, it's more like a form of mediation than anything. You're focusing on one problem and letting it out. I hope all of you find closure with your current problems and realise that we all care. We're here to listen and understand. That's why I created this thread for. I also hope more people share their stories here, because I truly believe that once you read someone's story and realise that it basically describes you, you'll find a friend. Or even a soulmate.

Take care guys

Or at least that you don't feel alone.

 

[Bull]

This has not been good this year for me. I have had many health problems. In fact, I'm still dealing with a torn ankle tendon. Got laid off from work. However, they said they will see if they need me in January. I had to move in with my parents for a bit due to my health. Plus my mom is having mental problems. I'm still trying to smile, even though there is little to smile about and a lot to cry about.

 

[BrigidForged]

I am struggling with myself at the moment. I miss exercising, I miss running, but it seems every time I get back into it it's only a matter of weeks until I get derailed and then I go months without doing any physical activity. My brain is starting to nag me telling me there is no point to bother at all.

 

[koriandr]

I am struggling with myself at the moment. I miss exercising, I miss running, but it seems every time I get back into it it's only a matter of weeks until I get derailed and then I go months without doing any physical activity. My brain is starting to nag me telling me there is no point to bother at all.

I was like that at one point. What really pushed me forward was thinking of all the sacrifices my parents made for me to be where I am... and how I was disappointing them. I told myself that no matter the cost I need to prove them that their sacrifices weren't in vain. Doing assignments 24/7 really brings my energy down a lot, and my workout atm is 2-3 exercises max whenever I see time.

 

[koriandr]

This has not been good this year for me. I have had many health problems. In fact, I'm still dealing with a torn ankle tendon. Got laid off from work. However, they said they will see if they need me in January. I had to move in with my parents for a bit due to my health. Plus my mom is having mental problems. I'm still trying to smile, even though there is little to smile about and a lot to cry about.

Oh that's really unfortunate. I hope you heal physically and mentally fast. Remember, until there's something to fight for the fight isn't over. You just need to find that something. It's either your family, dreams or goals. Much love and healing energy

 

[Fitato]

I'm in an odd place right now. Mentally/emotionally, I'm doing much better than I was when I wrote in my last post. My outlook on life has improved beyond words, beyond what I thought was possible, especially in such a short amount of time. I love it when people ask me how I'm doing, and I'm able to say I'm doing good. Not "fine" (which always used to be a lie, I was always not fine). But genuinely good. I'm so grateful for where I am now.

But it seems like the universe is always in a balance. My physical pain just seems to be getting worse and worse. It takes away so much of my life. I've spent hours and hours today just showering, lying down with the heating pad, doing stretches, taking pills. It feels like I'm not living when it gets this bad. I have to put off social events because of it. I don't get to enjoy my hobbies because of it. I would be having the time of my life right now if not for this pain.

 

[Gandhalfit]

Stress levels at maximum, personally, nationally and globally and that's with anti anxiety pills...

 

[Maladignia]

So utterly done with the whole Covid stuff... got a positive self-test result again last Thursday and a very slight nose cold and tadaaaa stuck in the house for 6 days in a row again, missing 3 nice days at work and a party. For what? Something that does not feel like a disease at all but these are the rules here.
Apparently my body is not very good at learning from past invasions.. This is the third time I got this virus and again just a cold, no fever or real sickness or anything. I should be grateful for that, I know. There's people around me that have been seriously ill and still haven't fully recovered. However I am just SICK of having to stay at home for what feels like no reason at all. At least make me feel like I deserve to be shut in at home!
It seems that I am still susceptible disregarding vaccines, boosters and having actually caught the bugger a couple of times. It so messes up my state of mind, last time I actually made a punching bag to relieve some stress. Didn't really work today.... still stressed out about it.
I just can't cope well with sh*t messing with my schedule and plans. :-(

Sorry, just had to vent that.. of course there are way worse things happening in the world (climate, war, etc.) but sometimes my world really narrows down to me. The one thing that I actually should have something to say about...

Anyway, I put some of my stress and aggression into extra push-ups today. Saving for a Mango in the tree this year.

 

[Damer]

@Maladignia hang in there! The pandemic and the official responses to it continue to test us all. You're doing the right thing. Focus on how you deal with the external stress it provides and ... punch away!

 

[Andi64]

I am contemplating right now if I should blend the peas in my pea & ham or if I should wait till they fall apart by themselves. That being my biggest problem at the moment, I can wholeheartedly say:
Life is good!

 

[Fitato]

Went from irritable to annoyed and finally to angry. I don't know what's causing this feeling. I feel exhausted by my unpredictable mood changes. I haven't been diagnosed with any disorders that would explain it, but dang, I'm thinking it's about time to consider psych meds. I don't know. I did so much for myself today. I went on a walk, did extra exercises than planned, cleaned my room, finally asked my roommate to clean up a little, did stretches, brushed my cat, ate healthier than I'd been the past few days. All of this and yet my mood throughout the day just kept getting worse and worse.

I'm really tired.

 

[Damer]

@Fitato I am really sorry to hear you're going through this. I am putting this here for everyone who comes across this thread in case it helps. Anger is an emotion we experience when A. Things do not unfold the way we expect - other people's behavior, our plans, the general environment we live in etc and B. Anger is an emotion we experience so that the victim mentality that external factors and events impose upon us is overturned. Feeling victimized creates a neurobiologically toxic environment inside us that is bad for us physically and mentally. Anger releases specific hormones that counteract this and it allows us to be able to act as opposed to locking up and doing nothing which, in turn, provides a measure of relief and a sense of seizing back control.

Having said that, anger that persists is also damaging to our brain and body. Introspection is not easy to do but questioning ourselves why we are angry is the first step towards better understanding the source of our feelings. Do we feel angry because something hasn't happened, for instance. Or because we feel we fail at something? Once we better understand the source of how we feel we are better able to manage our expectations and our own emotional response.

There is a ten step plan that helps us better cope with anger and I am detailing it here:

1. Accept what you feel is natural. Every emotion we feel is part of us. It has a reason and it has a place. We seek to better understand how to manage our emotions, not deny them.
2. Ask yourself why you feel the way you do? Run through all the possible sources for the feeling that you experience.
3. Analyze your own expectations. Run an ideal what-if scenario to see if something could be different what it be. How would you feel then?
4. Examine how realistic your expectations are. Many times we can feel let down by others or feel victim to circumstances but since these are things beyond our control expecting them to be different is unrealistic.
5. Take deep breaths and hold each to a slow count of three before exhaling. Breathing deeply affects the mind and body. It reduces the immediate sense of anxiety, relaxes the diaphragm muscles and better oxygenates the bloodstream. Positive changes to our physiology help us manage our emotions better.
6. Laugh about something. Humor defuses tension. It also helps us not to take our own self too seriously. Even black humor helps us weather difficult situations in a more manageable way.
7. Step outside your self. Look at yourself and your situation from the outside in. Consider how you would advise a stranger in that situation. How you would exercise kindness and empathy in that scenario.
8. Plan your future. Many times situations beyond our control lock us in an emotional response that we find hard to get past. Visualizing where we need to be and how to get there helps us channel our emotions and energy in a more productive way.
9. Decide how to behave. Plan your behavior so that you control it and it doesn't control you. This means that you understand you may, for instance, be feeling bad about something, but instead of sulking you think it through and understand it better and choose to next do something for you that will help lift your mood. It could be watching a film, reading a book or socializing with friends you trust.
10. Work out a way to stop negative emotions from taking you over. We all feel bad at times, we all can feel anger, resentment, feel sorry for our selves. Each time there is a trigger that kicks things off. Learn to recognize the trigger. Accept that what you feel is natural and part of you. Understand that it is also a process you can learn to control by telling yourself what it is you're feeling, what triggered it and how you will deal with it.

I hope this helps a little.

 

[Fitato]

@Damer I appreciate it. I'm glad you shared this for me and for others to look at. I'm not sure how to figure out the source of my feelings. I can think of a couple of things that have happened recently that would make one prone to anger, but the level of emotion I was experiencing seemed too high for the incidents which occurred. The first was that my closest irl friend had been being pretty rude to me and several other members of our chatroom. She has been like this before, but it's usually only for a day when something bad has happened to her. But this time, it was like a 4-day thing. I finally asked her "Why are you being such a crab cake recently?" and she left the server because of that question and hasn't messaged me since then. Is anger an appropriate response to have to this situation? Let alone having my emotions off for an entire day? I don't understand why I would be angry about this (if this is the incident). I understand that this is just the type of person she is, she gets into these bad moods sometimes and it doesn't say anything about me, so why should I be affected by it?

The other anger-inducing incident is how poorly I've been eating the past few weeks, always getting these intense cravings at night. Telling myself I'll drink an entire bottle of water before getting a snack. Drinking the water and still having the craving. So drinking an entire second bottle of water. Then still intensely having a craving and getting a snack. Then still wanting more food, so I drink a third bottle of water and surprise surprise, my body wants more. So at that point I full-on binge, ice cream, popcorn, rice, a whole lot of food all at once. Then perhaps anger that this is happening to me?

Nevertheless, I had a crying session last night (still not sure why) and today I feel better, albeit still sensitive as I did cry about something else haha (this one with a known cause). My emotions are a weird thing. No anger for me today, I am happy to report! Guess the crying got it all out. Thankful for that

 

[dopaw]

Anyone dealing with depression I can relate to. Some days I don't want to be bothered at all.

 

[ErgoVoid]

I'm not sure how to figure out the source of my feelings. [...]

The other anger-inducing incident is how poorly I've been eating the past few weeks, always getting these intense cravings at night.

I could be totally off-base, but if your feelings seem out of place for the emotional stimuli you're reacting too, and also your eating is off... Could diet be playing a role? Food sensitivities can absolutely make your brain go haywire - and aren't always as obvious as a food allergy, or alternatively your brain chemistry could be off because you're lacking something in your diet you need. Some food sensitivities can interfere with nutrition absorption, making some issues, like celiac (that's me!) basically both.

Hormones also play a huge role in mood, and those can go off-balance unrelated to (or alternatively, on top of and feedback into) normal hormonal cycles.

If you don't see how any external stimuli could reasonably be responsible for your current emotional difficulties, and there's no issues relating to emotional repression or avoidance to explain them, it could be worth looking into a less mental, more physical explanation.

 

[Fitato]

@ErgoVoid I'm not sure, when I get to this bad of a mental place, the emotional badness still exists even if I eat healthily. But I'll bring it up to my doctor. I have an undiagnosed illness which causes almost-daily vomiting, so I've wondered if there is anything about the specific foods I'm eating that contributes to it. I think she did check me for celiac and I didn't have it. (It was either that or a test for some other allergy).

I appreciate your response I'm leaning more toward it being borderline personality disorder. I haven't been diagnosed with it but I'm going to see a psychiatrist soon and see what they think. I've always been sensitive, but the past year I've just been non-stop unstable. Bleh.

 

[ErgoVoid]

@ErgoVoid I'm not sure, when I get to this bad of a mental place, the emotional badness still exists even if I eat healthily. But I'll bring it up to my doctor. I have an undiagnosed illness which causes almost-daily vomiting, so I've wondered if there is anything about the specific foods I'm eating that contributes to it. I think she did check me for celiac and I didn't have it. (It was either that or a test for some other allergy).

That's pretty awful. The stress of dealing with that alone can't be good for your mood or stability, whether you have a food sensitivity, mental health condition, both, or neither. I hope they can determine the cause and treatment for that soon.

 

[lofivelcro]

@Fitato I hope you don't mind me pinging back on the food issue once more, just because I had two thoughts I wanted to share, both of which you can happily ignore if you wish. Seeing that you live in the USA, do you consume food containg HFCS? I've read that you eat healthily, but I was astonished during my two years living in your beautiful country in how many things that devilish stuff ist. HFCS is rumoured or even proven, please don't cite me on this, to cause depressions. At least it has all kinds of bad effects on your body and psyche.
And here's a piece of maybe-not-so-much-pseudo pseudo science: If you consume a lot of seed oils, try reducing or eliminating them, if you can and want. That was one of those things that was a real life-changer for me. There's a lot floating around about that, the only difficulty is separating the bad info from the good one, but with something like this, no harm is done trying it out, I believe. Olive oil doesn't count as a seed oil in that regard, just a heads-up.

Even if my words are not of use to you, I hope you'll find the origin of your troubles and it will get better for you.

 

[ErgoVoid]

Seeing that you live in the USA, do you consume food containg HFCS? I've read that you eat healthily, but I was astonished during my two years living in your beautiful country in how many things that devilish stuff ist. HFCS is rumoured or even proven, please don't cite me on this, to cause depressions. At least it has all kinds of bad effects on your body and psyche.

In the US corn subsidies encourage farmers to grow lots and lots of corn. Far more than we could possibly consume as a nation in food form, and I'm not sure there's much demand for corn as a food internationally either. People have to do something with the surplus corn - preferably something that sells. Some of it ends up as animal feed, some of it ends up as ethanol, and much of it ends up as cheap sweetener that gets put into everything and when used as a sugar replacement has to be used in higher amounts because it's less sweet than conventional sugarcane. Additionally, foreign sugar is taxed, which further encourages high fructose corn syrup use as a cost-cutting measure. The American junk food industry may not be solely due to corn subsidies, but if not, it's been a major contributing factor.

Not sure why so much money goes to subsidizing corn as opposed to more nutrient-rich vegetables that would have a positive impact on Americans' health (aside from the history of corn over-production due to it being a high yield sturdy crop occasionally crashing prices and devastating farmers - but surely that's a reason to grow less, not subsidize growing more?) but it's so ubiquitous now most people just accept high fructose corn syrup, fructose corn syrup, and/or corn syrup in everything as normal. Even most healthy diets in America will include some corn syrup unless you're vigilant about keeping it out (or avoid processed foods entirely). Even processed foods that aren't "sweet" will have them sometimes.

 

[lofivelcro]

@ErgoVoid probably lobbyism, if you prefer a non-conspiracy answer, or "big pharma loves a sick nation because money" if you prefer a somewhat conspiracy-ish answer. Your pick. It's terrible, either way, because HFCS seems to be the source of many, many problems.
Thanks for the explanation, by the way.

 

[ErgoVoid]

@ErgoVoid probably lobbyism, if you prefer a non-conspiracy answer, or "big pharma loves a sick nation because money" if you prefer a somewhat conspiracy-ish answer. Your pick. It's terrible, either way, because HFCS seems to be the source of many, many problems.
Thanks for the explanation, by the way.

@lofivelcro I never blame on conspiracy that which can be explained simply by lobbyists and the pursuit of money (including election campaign money).

Corn is a sturdy, high-yield crop so too many farmers grew excessive amounts of it even before corn subsidies because they wanted an easy, reliable payout from their crops. So on a bad year prices would be high but farmers naturally couldn't break even because their was a shortage of crop to sell, but because so many farmers had the same idea, if the year was too good they couldn't break even because the market was flooded and the crop was worthless. The corn subsidies were supposed to protect farmers from the wildly fluctuating value of corn and stabilize the market, but (unintentionally) incentivized excess corn production by making the income off it more reliable and basically reinforced the problem.

I think it would be more practical to subsidize healthier crops instead since we see how well it worked for corn, and perhaps discourage such high levels of corn production, especially now that we know how unhealthy corn syrup is. Though I imagine neither ag lobbyists nor Pepsi or other junk food lobbyists want to throw money at candidates pursuing that.

 

[Kingstonmike]

Not so great ( But not horrible,either)

The company I now work for has implemented further cost-cutting measures in an attempt to reverse the losses they incurred since 2020 began.
So, they've cut the hours of the part time employees and now the full timers are bearing the brunt of the added workload.
As a result, we're starting to see some of the more experienced workers either quitting or taking 'sickdays' so that they can take a full call-in shift somewhere else.

There is no 'family' atmosphere left, like we had with the previous owners.

It's become a case, at least to me, of coming to work and immediately counting the hours until I can go home.

I haven't been to the gym in weeks.

My eating habits are atrocious now; mostly quick heated packaged food in the microwave, since the family now works different hours, so a regular sit down meal with all of us is not feasible.

It's the depths of winter here in Canada and so it's cold.

It's dark when I leave for work and getting dark when I'm leaving work.


After years of excuses of why I couldn't finish my book, I finally gave up on it and realised that I was bored with it.

Yesterday I euthanized my pet.

My son's work has cut back his hours and he's struggling to pay his bills.

My daughter is stressed about applications to special programs at University and even if she gets in to the program, there might not be enough money to pay for all four years and since, on paper, our household makes a lot of money, need-based scholarships will be very hard to get.
So, she's super stressed.


Yeah, kinda a shitty start to the year.

 

[Fitato]

I just received a PTSD diagnoses a little over a week ago. It's been interesting to look at my emotional problems through that lens. My therapist has been working with me for several years and has suspected PTSD this whole time, but she never brought it up until now because she "didn't want me to feel overwhelmed from it". Kind of wack.

I'm annoyed because it's time to find a new therapist. I should've found a new one long ago, but we've hit some big milestones recently that made me want to stick with her for a while as we process through this. But she has cancelled on me every other session for almost 3 months in a row now. I used to give her the benefit of the doubt, but now it's gotten to the point where I can predict when she's going to cancel, which means her "reasons" for cancelling are almost certainly not real reasons. I have a few other gripes with her besides that. She's been very helpful in a lot of ways, definitely better to have been seeing her than to have not seen anyone at all, but my view of her has crossed into the "negative" line now, which means it is time to move on. It's sad to think about it, and I know I'll miss her, just because I've been seeing her for so many years...and because she has helped me. Bleeeh.

Okay, ranting over! It's time to talk about what I actually wanted to talk about, which is GOOD NEWS!

I find the PTSD diagnosis helpful. I have a friend who has complex PTSD, and we were having a conversation about it a few weeks ago (before I was diagnosed with PTSD). He taught me a lot about what his experiences are like. He said he'd be surprised if I don't have PTSD. So when I talked about it with my therapist and got "officially diagnosed", I was able to talk to him about it after and we were able to share more of that together. I feel lucky to have a friend like him who I can talk to about this kind of stuff. He has a lot of great advice for me, and it's good to just have someone who understands and has gone through the same thing.

My form of PTSD is interesting as it has only once manifested itself as actual visual flashbacks - and this was very recently. If any of you follow my check-in thread, my roommate's mother was staying at our house. She would constantly yell at people on the phone, even at 2am. During this time, it stressed me out and I would cry in my bed suddenly getting hit with a ton of memories of abuse from my childhood. It was not a good time. I think the reason the PTSD finally manifested this way is because I stopped trying to run from it as much, and I let myself experience these things.

But usually, my PTSD is bodily sensations without memory being present. I've become very familiar to this feeling, but I always just called it "being antsy". I was never able to figure out why I sometimes feel so antsy, but the "antsiness" has been so extreme that I will leave my house, and on a couple of occasions just straight-up drove to another state on an impromptu "vacation" just to escape the feeling. More recently, I've been exercising when I get like this, which is a much healthier and cheaper coping mechanism than just straight-up fleeing the state, lol.

I also didn't realize that I have intrusive thoughts until I was going over the PTSD thing with my therapist. I knew I had thoughts that I disliked having, but I misunderstood what intrusive thoughts actually are. It's kind of crazy to only now be piecing all of this together, but better late than never. Hopefully I'll be able to learn more about this condition and help myself out more in the future!

 

[lofivelcro]

@Fitato I'm glad that you finally have a label to stick on your issues. Just knowing what something is, or even having a name for it, can help a lot. It makes things more tangible and weirdly easier to work with. I hope it will help you in the long run.

 

[Gandhalfit]

feeling betrayed by the universe, never mind the details

 

[Fitato]

feeling betrayed by the universe, never mind the details

Sending some hugs and sparkles right now!


I hope things turn around for you soon.

 

[Fitato]

I think I feel good right now. I had kickboxing today, which I love. Not in much pain (only a 1-2 out of 10). Just got out of a warm and relaxing shower.

 

[Runamok]

I’m doing good, thanks for asking. I do go back and forth happy that I’m finally taking control of my life instead of just drifting, then terrified some greedy politicians/conglomerates are going to be the death of us all. But something that I read once really resonated with me. “All you can really do is lead by example.” No amount of lecturing, yelling, or fighting is going to change anyone’s mind, but monkey see monkey do lol.