I'm back (for real this time)

[princess_sarena]

Tuesday, August 27, 2024

- meditated three times
- finished baseline day #26, 7 reps total between today and yesterday

 

[Fremen]

Welcome back

 

[aku-chan]

Welcome back!

 

[graoumia]

Welcome back

 

[princess_sarena]

Thanks everyone! It's been a while but I'm here for keeps this time! Planning a run later this afternoon

 

[MadamMeow]

Welcome back.

 

[princess_sarena]

Wednesday, August 28th, 2024

Streak - day #2

I did a four kilometre run in about 50 minutes. I tried to push myself just a little - run a tad bit faster, just a smidgeon, and change my slow drawl to a brisk walk. It worked, my timing was just under what my last run is, but still over 15 minutes per kilometre. New goal: get my pace UNDER the 15 minute mark.

I'm not sure if I'm technically doing the 5km program, but I wanna see what it's like, so I paced my run into 2 minute walk/run cycles. I did way more than 2 sets, because I'm not starting from zero, I used to be able to run a 5 km before I fell off the steady exercise routine.

I also did a stretch once I got back home.

Three meditation sessions, as per usual. Calm, Medito, and Neo.

 

[princess_sarena]

Thursday, August 29th, 2024

Exercise streak - day #3

Three meditations. Restless for the first two, but by the third found a meditation technique that made the time fly. Breathe in the moment, breathe out letting it go. I don't know why, but suddenly I felt quiet and clear.

I did day #2 of the 5 km training. I also don't know why, but I felt confident and it was so easy. I split the fifty reps into only two sets, and even then it was such a breeze that I did both sets twice, once before work and once after. Tomorrow also seems too easy for me, so I'll more than double it again. If I keep up the doublings, it might become an 8 weeks to 10 km training instead. Not a bad thing. I've already accomplished a 5 km, may as well take it the extra couple miles.

No stretch??? I need to clean my room so I have enough SPACE to stretch in. Goal for tomorrow.

I realized I've been training, until now, to do the bare minimum. Run a 5 km, however long it takes. Maybe it's time to level up my mindset. I'm not training to RUN a 5 km. I'm training to WIN a 5 km.

Huggy hug challenge, day #1, to finish tonight as soon as I'm done writing this.

 

[princess_sarena]

Friday, August 30th, 2024

Streak - day #4

Three meditations. It was not easy. I feel like I'm just sitting there, doing nothing while my thoughts dart back and forth. And I worry about "secret thoughts," like having thoughts I'm not feeling in my conscious awareness.

Five kilometre run, just two minutes over the hour. It was NOT EASY, let me tell you. I did double three sets to six, but that wasn't the hard part. I wanted to get my timing down to under fifteen minutes per kilometre, so I tried to push myself just a bit farther and faster. The first run my legs felt like they were going to seize up, so I eased down on the speed and did a light jog that felt more comfortable. By the sixth run I was feeling much more confident. I did try to go just a tad bit faster than I normally would, but it was the walks in between that really made a difference. I sped up to a brisk walk instead of my usual slow pace. I got my speed down to TWELVE AND A HALF MINUTES. That's just about where it was two years ago when I still ran regularly. And I have a TON of room for improvement... this might genuinely become a 10 km training, idk.

Hug, day #2.

Longer post this time, I guess.

 

[princess_sarena]

Saturday, August 31st, 2024

Streak - #5

I did day #4 of 8 weeks to 5 km. I doubled it again, forgetting that I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO PUSHUPS. I can't keep proper form through ONE, I had to somehow struggle through fifty.

I sneaked a peek at the half marathon training - YOU HAVE TO KNOW HOW TO RUN A KILOMETER IN FIVE MINUTES. I've never gotten under ten! I can't do pushups! I don't know what I've gotten myself into!

Was calculating. I think a reasonable goal is finishing every single program darebee has to offer... in the next twenty years or so, imagining darebee continuing to put out programs at their current pace. If no other programs came out, would take ... like twelve years? At least? Anyway if I'm entirely caught up by the time I'm fifty it'll be a small miracle.

Two meditations today, I missed the morning meditation because I didn't wake up in time. The night meditation, I finally began to catch the technique of labelling rather than following thoughts. I just feel guilty I can't do every meditation technique at once. Like if I'm labelling thoughts, I'm not fully immersed in every breath. But if I'm trying to be fully immersed in the breath, the thoughts feel too overwhelming.

There are "secret thoughts, "shadow thoughts", like before a thought has fully formed in my head, I can still see its blurred outline on the horizon. And it's hard to just let it go before I even know what it is, like what's that I'm thinking about, is it important, why am I thinking it... somehow the thoughts I haven't had yet are the most challenging to accept and let go.

Can't wait to see what September's challenge is!

Huggy hug, day #3, to do after posting.

Don't add too many challenges. Don't add too many challenges. Don't add - I NEED TO LEARN TO DO A PUSH UP OKAY I STARTED "WALL PUSH UPS" CHALLENGE DAY #1

 

[princess_sarena]

Not a full post, but - my first meditation of the day drove me bananas. As a survivor of abuse "just be calm to protect your relationships" meditations feel so dangerous and toxic to me. Some relationships need to be abandoned, or at least given distance. Setting boundaries when people hurt you is crucial. "Just accept other people's behavior with equinaminity" is not a message that works when someone's dealing with abuse. Period. Your strong feelings are what's going to keep you safe, and if you need intense meditation to calm down from an interaction THERE'S A PROBLEM WITH THE RELATIONSHIP.

I think I'm done with relationship advice meditations. I have no patience.

 

[princess_sarena]

Sunday, September 1st, 2024

Streak - #6

Regular post this time.

Two meditations. Afternoon one sucked, but hopefully the rest of the program will steer clear of relationship advice?

Second meditation I feel like I'm just fighting my mind. Like it's a puppy trying to smell every thought and I have to drag it away.

I did day #5 of 8 weeks to 5 km. I just feel so tired. My body is so sore. A part of me is pulled to just give up. That I can't do this, can't improve, may as well be doing nothing. I try to run and can't go fast at all, just a light jog. Then I go for the run anyway, pushing my body as best as I can, and find out that I broke my goal yet again - a 5 km under an hour! Plus an extra half kilometre as slow as I liked.

I escaped a zombie this time! It was super hard but I just forced my body to go as fast as I could.

I did day #1 of Wall Push Ups again. I'm going to learn to do proper pushups if it's the death of me.

I did day #1 of September's squats challenge.

I did huggy hugs day #4.

I find I have a bit of a progress phobia. I like to start new challenges and programs, and I'm really enthusiastic the first few days, but as soon as the difficulty begins ramping up I get scared and begin second guessing my choices, wondering if I should've picked something else, something easier. And the last few days? Almost impossible. I just freeze up. Dunno how to keep my motivation going once I hit that this time around.

 

[princess_sarena]

Monday, September 2nd, 2024

Streak - day #7

It's like my body and mind are sore, all at the same time.

Three meditation sessions. I think they're doing something, because I was able to watch an entire Gilmore girls episode without pausing once or rewinding cuz I got lost in my head and missed something.

I did day #6 of 5 km training, again doubling the reps. I don't know if I can do tomorrow's. I really don't. I was hoping for a slow progression, not jumping from two minute runs to five minute runs. Like my body can barely keep it up for two. I feel like I need a couple runs where I run three minutes straight, or possibly even four. But five???

I just wanna go back to Thor and Loki's training. But community run! I can't do zombie run's community run AND do Thor and Loki's training at the same time. As my friend put it "you're missing a training due to a different training." Theme song of my life.

I did a full body stretch, and usually it's easy, but this time I could feel each muscle being stretched, and how much I've used it recently. I've never really had that before.


Day #2 of wall pushups, day #2 of squat challenge, day #5 of hugs, daily dare #2.

I'm trying to come up with some rewards method to keep my motivation up. I put together a little box of stuff I bought but haven't opened yet. I get to choose a small reward every fifth day, big reward every 15th day, major rewards commensurate with each milestone. To sweeten it up just a bit more, 25 minutes of a tv show every day I exercise, raised to 50 minutes every second day of exercise in a row. Seven consecutive days is a familiar Avengers movie, fifteen consecutive day milestones I get to pick a brand new movie of my choice to watch.

 

[princess_sarena]

Tuesday, September 3rd, 2024

Streak day #8

Two meditations. I think I'm treating meditation like a sport. Competitive. Did I meditate better than I did yesterday? A week ago? But that's not how meditation works. The whole point is not comparing each moment to another. I'll have to work on my mindset.

I DID THE RUN. ALL OF IT. TWICE. I kept telling myself to trust the training. I'd put in every ounce of work expected of me, done every rep, every step, every minute of running I ran. If I should be able to run five minutes after a week of training - then I can run five minutes after a week's worth of training. And I did it. (Tomorrow's training would've looked harder before today, but suddenly four three minute runs are gonna be a BREEZE.)

Which means I ran half of a 5 km, walked the other half, and cooled down with the 6th kilometre. I decided to split runs into "record runs", which are about beating my best speed, and "endurance runs," which is focused more on distance and, well, endurance. I don't have to run fast, just have to run for as much of it as possible. Eventually I can start combining the two goals, when I'm more advanced. Run faster for longer. Okay so that's day #7 of 8 weeks to 5 km. First week done!!! Seven weeks to go.

Huggy hug, day #6. Day #2 of wall pushups, again. I'm taking that challenge slow, really wanna give myself time to build up arm muscle. Day #3 of the squats challenge. That was no biggie, I'm good at squats, even though it was a bit harder than usual because my legs are sorer than usual because of the running program.

I didn't get a prize for day #5 because I hadn't put a system in place for it yet. I picked out a makeup brush. I already picked out my fifteenth day prize - an eyeshadow palette. My sister and I wanted to do matching makeup and she likes purple and I'd just bought a purple palette, and we were going to do that this week, but when I told her about my fitness goals and the prize system and how I wanted the brand new palette to be the fifteenth day prize and I'd just open it up a little early and then put it back she insisted we wait until day fifteen and on that day do matching makeup. I was worried she'd think I'm psycho but she was really supportive! So now I HAVE to reach the fifteenth consecutive day of exercise on the day I said I would. No other options here.

 

[princess_sarena]

Wednesday, September 4th, 2024

Streak - #9

Three meditations. I think I'm beginning to get the hang of it. Weird what just breathing does to your mind.

Day #8 of 8 weeks to 5km. I did my fastest timing ever, ruined a bit by the last km which was seventeen minutes for some odd reason? I was not walking that slow! ...kind of relieved tomorrow isn't an upper body workout. I am not ready for more pushups. And the progression for the strength training seems to go much slower, which I am also relieved about.

Day #3 for Wall Pushups. Day #4 for squats challenge. Day #7 on huggy hug. Daily dare #3.

And I did a full 25 minute stretch. It's amazing what exercise does to the body. Even though I haven't stretched for a while, my body takes back to it super quick, not at all like the first time I stretched and didn't know what I was doing.

And I forgot the old prize system - one pokemon card for each mission completed. A six to start run, or a full day of a darebee program. So a card a day, basically, on top of the five day and fifteen day streak rewards.

 

[Lallafa]

The idea of setting up prizes for yourself for X days of training is so simple and something I actually just realized I must adopt. Exercise is its own reward, but... Time to start prize browsing.

Kudos on your run progress!

 

[princess_sarena]

The idea of setting up prizes for yourself for X days of training is so simple and something I actually just realized I must adopt. Exercise is its own reward, but... Time to start prize browsing.

Kudos on your run progress!

Thanks!!! I'm glad my idea is helpful to someone, I keep being worried I'm a weirdo for doing it or that I'll look like one.

I like stuff I kinda need but can wait for; anything that's exciting to open really. Packs of stuff also work well, so I go for trading cards, makeup kits, bundles of themed socks, that sort of thing.

Best of luck on your journeys!

 

[princess_sarena]

Thursday, September 5th, 2024

Not a lot of time to write today so let's do this quick -

Three meditations. I'm almost up to my last meditation of the Amazon journey with Neo.

Did day #9 of 8 weeks to 5 km. Wasn't so hard, but I didn't have a lot of time, so I had to split it into two bundles - three sets before work and two afterwards. Thankfully encountered no pushups since that fateful day. I'm glad tomorrow is another run, it's gonna be a good day for it.

Did day #5 of Squats challenge. Day #3 of wall pushups. Day #8 of huggy hug (to do). I didn't get to the daily dare and I have to get to bed, I'll keep trying to do better.

And my body isn't sore anymore. Even without total rest and relax days. Maybe the stretching helped to fix it.

Streak day #10! I get to pick out a second small prize. It's too late now, but tomorrow will be a good day.

 

[princess_sarena]

Friday, September 6th, 2024

Meditation

Three meditations. One calm, again relationship stuff but I managed to stay calm through it. One medito, a very basic "just breath here's some silence." And then neo. I felt a little sad saying goodbye to the Amazon River. I feel like it's carried me so far, pulled me through so much pain. But it turns out it's not quite goodbye yet. The last meditation ALSO unlocks a meditation reward. I've been doing each meditation reward twice, but I think I'll do this one three times to prepare myself for the next journey. (I'm planning to add one repeat of the meditation rewards for each rock I touch. So the Himalayas, which is next, will be four days per meditation total, one day lesson three days practice.)

Exercise & fitness

I did day #10 of 8 weeks to 5 km. That's quite an accomplishment. Not a single missed, skipped, or replaced day. And each day doubled. Today's run was meh. My third worst run since starting, just under fourteen minutes per kilometre. I don't know how to feel about that. Is that a success anyway, because I went out and did it even though it was hard, and I forge forward? Or was it a failure and should be repeated until I can do it fast? I mean I know the former. But I can't help feeling ... disappointed. I kept going further, kept going faster, until today my body just couldn't do it anymore.

Day #3 of wall pushups. Day #6 of squats challenge. Daily dare #4. Day #9 of hugs.

Nutrition

At work yesterday, I resisted the urge to buy a yummy drink. It's expensive, and too much caffeine and sugar. I'm really trying to cut back on how much sugar I drink. Today my dad offered me a coke while I was over and it was too much to resist, but I avoided putting any sugar in my tea. (Usually it's overloaded with sugar.) And honestly it tasted just fine. Aside from sugar in candy and drinks, I'm keeping my diet same same. I don't wanna change too much all at once and end up crashing because I took on too much.

Streak day #11

 

[princess_sarena]

Saturday, September 7th, 2024

Meditation

Three meditations. I feel like I've hit a wall. My head is swirling with thoughts. I don't have a millisecond of quiet; so I assume I must be doing it wrong. I was getting distressed so I finally decided to basically give myself mental instructions, like a guided meditation but in my own head. So I kept telling myself it's okay to just keep calm and do nothing, even if I couldn't do it perfectly. Most important thing is, I showed up. As long as my head is allowed to have thoughts, it's happy to keep them on topic (mostly).

Exercise and fitness

I CAN DO A PUSHUP. I've worked my arms off with the wall pushups challenge, and the real ones were certainly easier. Not perfect, my form isn't what I want it to be quite yet. Can I do fifty? Wish I could say no, but I did it. Day #11 of 8 weeks to 5 km, done. The angels were really hard! I hate new exercises. I'm all excited "oh this one should be so easy" and then IT ISN'T! The second or third time I finally know to be mentally and physically prepared.

I skipped wall pushups because I figured fifty real ones are more than enough for one day. Day #7 of squats challenge. Day #10 of huggy hugs. I need to remember to do those daily dares...

Tomorrow I'm not sure if I'll do day #12 or take a short break to do a different set of exercises. It depends on if I can get up early enough to go for a run before work. Six and a half hours of work, plus the commute each way, really pushes my ability to keep on track.

Nutrition

I've decided I'm no longer going to buy drinks (other than water and any kind of unflavored milk) unless for medical or religious reasons. Including drink mixes. I can still drink what I own or what is offered to me, as I slowly transition to a water-only hydration plan. It's a big decision for me. I got into the habit of drinking a TON of sugar every day, pretty much to the point of total addiction. The bright side is that I can spend some of the money I save on fitness prizes. Always a golden horizon. (Luckily I've always hated alcohol, so no difficulty there, it's just the pointless sugar that's the issue )

Edit: I DID TWO WORKOUTS! 2 minute arms (w/ extra credit) and shoulder stretch. I'm trying to work my way through every single Darebee challenge/program/workout because I'm a very thorough weirdo.

Streak day #12

 

[SlothEnergy]

Good job persevering with those meditations! I have trouble with them myself. Too much impatience. But the good news is that if you keep trying, even if you are bad at them, they have a good impact on attention self-control in real life. What I do to try and keep my focus is count the rhythm of my breath in seconds and/ or count the number of breaths. That keeps my mind from wandering.

Love your rewards system too! I also try to gamify my workouts to keep myself on track.

 

[princess_sarena]

Good job persevering with those meditations! I have trouble with them myself. Too much impatience. But the good news is that if you keep trying, even if you are bad at them, they have a good impact on attention self-control in real life. What I do to try and keep my focus is count the rhythm of my breath in seconds and/ or count the number of breaths. That keeps my mind from wandering.

Love your rewards system too! I also try to gamify my workouts to keep myself on track.

Thanks for the tip! I'm so happy people like my rewards system I have severe ADHD that I can't medicate for medical reasons (stimulants can be dangerous for people with certain medical conditions) so I've had to develop other ways to keep that dopamine up while pursuing difficult long term goals...

Love rpgs. I can't wait til I'm fit enough to take on Hero's Journey. That's how I found out about Darebee in the first place... I've wanted to become a Hero for eight years...

 

[princess_sarena]

Sunday, September 8th, 2024

Meditation

I decided to go lighter on the meditation today, for two reasons. Firstly, I think three mandatory meditations a day is just too much and interferes with my productivity more than it helps. I decided to cut back to two longer sessions morning and night, and instead of a scheduled afternoon session, I'll just take two to five minutes to sit quiet and breath anytime I need a reset during the day. I even asked my manager if I could sit in the back for a few minutes, and pulled out my phone and did a breathing session using calm. Secondly, I have a bit of a migraine, so I did a shorter, easier evening meditation with a cool new app called ModernSam.

Exercise and fitness

I did day #12 of 5 km. Still frustrated by my lack of progress. I can run longer, sure, but SO SLOW. I feel like all "8 weeks to 5km" programs, the learning curve is just too steep for me to follow. It's more endurance training, and speed falls to the wayside. So maybe I can compromise. Let this be an endurance training, and I'll do Marvel Move's 5 km training afterwards to work on speed. Maybe? I don't know what I'm doooooooooooing

Daily dare #5. Wall pushups day #4. Squats challenge #8. Huggy hug #11.

I feel like something is missing from my training, like I'm not getting all I want from it. Adding in the daily dare helps, but I realized I have no abs work. Cardio, leg days, arms and chest days, but nothing specifically abs focused. So I'm going to follow a three month abs training program as best as I can, cuz I'm starting from scratch and I really wanna get stronger all over.

Nutrition

My "no buying drinks" backfired. I went to Walmart before work because I was early and wanted to avoid the sweet temptation, and ended up buying a pokemon outfit, pjs, and only one pair of athletic leggings I was there for in the first place. Not the worst thing in the world though... I need warmer winter outfits. I also had a migraine but I waited til I got home and drank a cup of coffee with only milk. I thought it would be awful but I realized that adding in tons of sugar doesn't really make it any tastier anyway.

Rest and rewards

I woke up super early today to do a run, so tomorrow I get to sleep in a little. I also have six packs of free marvel cards, and wanted those to be part of the rewards system - so I decided I'll open one card anytime I add an unusual challenge to my workout. I got one for doing it in one go, with only a few minutes rest between sets, instead of spread out throughout the day. Today for waking up early to do a morning run. I also picked out a pair of socks for my ten day prize because I could not be bothered to put my laundry away

Reflection

I wanna add a reflection section once a week, my perception of my progress, what works and what doesn't, what's challenging, what I'm proud of... but my head kind of hurts, so even though I want it to be a Sunday thing I'll do it on Monday this week.

Streak day #13

 

[princess_sarena]

Monday, September 9th, 2024

Meditation

Two meditations. The second felt too long. Almost like I wanted to escape it. But it should be a good feeling. I don't know!

Exercise and fitness

I almost fell off the wagon today. I left exercise til almost too late, almost 9 PM. I just did it as fast as I could, not like dangerously fast, just without getting too distracted. And I did day #13 of 5 km. Those lunges really tested my mettle.

Daily dare #6. Wall pushups #4. I'm trying to get to be able to do three minute wall planks. Squats day #9, still on track. Huggy hug day #12.

Did day #2 of beginner abs challenge. I can really feel these exercises burning my core. I want to stick with it and just.... see what happens?

I picked out my next challenge once I get the shiny huggy badge. I'm going to work through the easy challenges that build healthy habits, and I think a good starter is the salad one. I don't usually eat lunch at all, so adding a midday salad, fruit, some cheese and rice cakes will be a step up in nutrition and maybe help me stay awake longer and have more energy during the day. I'll probably even start it tomorrow - I think when they're simple challenges, two or three days to the finish line is fine to begin a new one.

Nutrition

I was basically out of food, so I went to the store and stocked up on everything I'll need to start my totally new and not at all the same except for lunch diet. Breakfast I switched to a version of my cereal with a bit less sugar. Lunch is as above. Suppers will stay the same, it's mostly healthy anyway, but I'll try out one new Darebeets recipe every week - this week, avocado and cucumber salad. I feel like it would be awesome with rice, but I thought of that too late and didn't get any. I DIDN'T BUY ANY DRINKS, JUST MILK FOR BREAKFAST.

Rest and rewards

I went to the dollar store. I didn't think I'd find anything I liked, but it was hard to decide what to leave behind! I got a fair few, slightly more diverse, items to add into my prize box, it's now stuffed to overflowing. They shall be revealed as I pick them. I also got twenty packs of free marvel cards because I added some items that got extra cards, so that should last me over three months of extra challenging workouts. Speaking of which, I earned one card, but since they come in packs of four I'll open them four at a time as I earn them.

Streak day #14

 

[princess_sarena]

Tuesday, September 10th, 2024

I got... the first badge I earned in years. And the first badge I earned completely, fully, the way it's supposed to be earned; not through doing a thirty day program in the span of a year.

Day fifteen. All in a row. All legitimate, complete workouts, including challenges and sometimes stretches. Mental health fitness sessions too, meditation and relaxation and my new best friend, Loona.

Meditation

Two.

Exercise and fitness

I didn't think I could do today's run. Seven minutes, four times (I'm still doubling). My sister told me I could, and I did it! Not only did I do it, but I beat my best distance of all time, at almost eight kilometers in just over an hour and a half. Day #14, I squished ya.

Day #4, wall push ups. Day #10, squats. Day #13, huggity hug. With only two days left of hugs, I started the salad challenge. Ate a salad for lunch. Wasn't what I expected, but it filled me up... for a few hours. Then I ate the rest of my planned lunch as a snack, and that tided me over til dinner.

I did day #3 of the abs challenge, messed up the logs by logging in and realizing I'd done fourteen days of it four years back, reset the log, will start again at say #1 tomorrow. That was the plan, anyway.

Nutrition

Threw out a bunch of really old candy. It was really old for a reason, I guess I was getting tired of eating it. My kitchen cabinets looked a lot ... emptier. Why did I have so much candy??? I kept a few last lollipops for sentimental reasons. They were from my graduation party.

Rest and rewards

I got another marvel card for completing my best distance, so that brings the total to four and I opened the whole pack. I got one brand new card that I haven't gotten yet, added it to my collection book, and the other three went into the growing pile of cards that I already have.

I also got to open up the purple eyeshadow palette for day fifteen's reward!!! It's even prettier than I thought. I don't think I'll pick eyeshadow again for a while - I want to work towards earning a new pair of athletic leggings next.

I guess I get to pick a movie to watch now. I've wanted to watch Taylor Swift's Disney+ eras tour for ages but maybe I should save it for day #30 instead? I don't know I can't pick

(Sorry about the formatting, there was a glitch and I had to copy, refresh the page and paste)

 

[princess_sarena]

Fifteen day badge reflection

This is gonna be a very long reflection, so it'll be a post all by itself. And feel free to skip unless you want backstory.

Today is my fifteenth day. That's wild. I've never managed to get past a two or three day streak. I just didn't think I ever could - so I never really tried.

I didn't say anything about why I've started doing this. I wasn't doing well at the beginning of the year. Some days I couldn't get out of bed, and often when I did it was just to fall back asleep on the couch again. I got medical intervention in February, switched up my meds, and I felt a little better, but still I felt inadequate, like I had nothing to aim for and no dreams to live up to.

And then one day, about a month and a half ago, someone I loved and trusted threw at me some of the worst words I've ever heard. I was so done. I told my friends I wanted to sabotage my life, and I really did want to end every relationship, burn every bridge, avoid any opportunity, give up all hope. My friend said I could dye my hair or get a piercing, but that was it. So I did both. And I guess it was the first time that I realized that maybe, like black widow says, "pain only makes you stronger" - when you have enough love to get you through it. The piercing marked my strength, my determination, every ounce of effort I put into getting to where I am today. It was a wearable reminder of the love of my friend and sister.

Then I began to run again. I think I was running from my pain those first few times, but it felt good. Once I was getting active again, I naturally turned back to Darebee, a place where I'd always felt love and belonging and the call to adventure, but I'd never felt strong enough to stay. And it slowly progressed from "I can do only a few sets every so often" to "I can do a full workout every day plus a couple challenges." And suddenly I realized I was getting up every single morning, even if it was sometimes close to afternoon. And I wasn't exhausted all through the day, I wasn't even tired or sleepy. I had energy, goals, and more and more small moments of joy. There was something I absolutely had to do every day without fail, that I wouldn't feel complete without, that called me back and I couldn't stay away, and that was the next meditation, the next challenge, the next workout, the next run.

So... yah, I normally do get bored of workout programs after a couple of days. But for now, I'm still looking forward to each day's challenges, day after day. I love the way my body feels gentler, lighter, calm and controlled. I love how my heart feel like it's mine again. I love feeling strength deep within me, every time I make a better decision than I would have made two months ago. I love the pride I feel in every step forward I take. I love being curious about what the future holds, curious about what adventures and stories will be revealed through each rep, each step, each mile...

 

[MadamMeow]

Congrats on your 15 Day Badge and to many more to come!

 

[princess_sarena]

Congrats on your 15 Day Badge and to many more to come!

Thank you muchly!

 

[princess_sarena]

Wednesday, September 11th, 2024

Meditation

I did two, as usual. I finished the Amazon River journey of the Neo app, and took a break to do one of modernsam's meditations. And I felt calmer, more centered, like I really liked the calming voice. I realized that sometimes a journey DOESN'T mean taking the same route every day. Some meditation apps are okay to do every day, like calm, but some feel more intense and require a higher level, like neo, or want to be kept special and not for every day, like modernsam. And like, that's okay. As long as I'm sitting down to meditate at the same part of my routine every day, it's okay if I want to switch up what app I use.

Exercise and fitness

I did day #15 of 8 weeks to 5 km. And something magical happened. Not the first run, but on the last three runs the little timer bell tinkled that the time was up way before I expected it to be. Usually I'm desperate for the timer to ring long before it does, and am absolutely sure it must have frozen or gotten all messed up, and check and see that it's counting down the last minute or so.

I did day #11 of squats day. Went to go check what day I'm up to, realized I don't have the data on my computer, and then remembered it's just the date. Day #5 of wall pushups. Day #2 of salad eating challenge. Wait, I do have the data on my computer; I'm a dummy. It's in previous posts; that's what these are for! Day #14 of huggity hug. OMG I'm so close to another badge, which is a big deal even if it was a relatively easy one! Committing to ANYTHING for two weeks is a big deal.

Didn't do abs work. It's okay, I think I'll be relaxed with that particular add on and aim for just three to four times a week. As long as I get the main workout and challenges done, it's all good.

Nutrition

I threw out more candy today. I almost felt bad, because they were given to me by a family member, and I was gonna give them back and say that there were simply too many to eat by myself. But this was the same family member who hurt me a month and a half back, and I haven't felt right around her since. So I just tossed them to keep things simple for myself. Maybe I lost the weight of more than just the uneaten candy in doing that.

Rest and rewards

I finished an episode of dragon prince, and watched an episode of gilmore girls with my sister. Since I don't watch a lot of tv, I decided that it's okay to be a little looser with the time constraints. Any episode close to thirty minutes is just one point, and any episode close to an hour is two points. (That's already a five minute extension per point, with more room for flexibility.) Once it's stretching towards thirty five minutes or an hour five minutes, I'll have to use the extra point per episode. It just doesn't seem fair to use fifty minutes worth of points to watch a thirty two minute episode, especially since I can't be bothered with counting it minute for minute and saving the extra minutes over.

I also realized I want to do a new thing. For any form of self-care I drop because it's no longer in keeping with my lifestyle or health goals, I want to pick up a new form of self-care that replaces it. Not tit for tat or any sort of system of keeping exact track, but if I'm going to be giving up the sugary drinks that keep me going through work, I could instead play a few minutes of one of my favorite games before or after work. Or just in general, replace sodas with a few minutes of gaming. Not to let it take over my life or become unhealthy in and of itself, but... exercise is a form of self-care! I absolutely love Darebee programs and Six to Start's on-the-road adventures! But I also need to remember that I need rest and restorative activities that are TOTALLY USELESS but for the joy they bring. Little reminders that I don't have to be productive to be worth it.

Streak day #16 hehehe I kept that beautiful shiny badge I showed off to all my friends yesterday (I'm such a darebee fanatic)

 

[princess_sarena]

Thursday, September 12th, 2024

Meditation

Two meditations, plus a listen to one of Plum Village's lessons. I think I like plum village... I love stuff that's free. I wanna work my way through their content too. I also went back to Neo. I don't know what happened, but I feel more comfortable suddenly. Calmer, steadier, open to whatever the moment may bring.

Exercise and fitness

I did day #16 of 8 weeks to 5 km. Day #12 of squat challenge. Day #6 of wall pushups. Day #15 of huggity hugs. And, one of my favorite apps suggested a hug yourself exercise for my mood today. So I got an extra special way to end this challenge. It was pretty sweet. Day #3 of salad eating challenge.

ANOTHER BADGE OMG I LOOK FORWARD TO BADGE DAY ALMOST MORE THAN I LOOK FORWARD TO PRIZE DAY - it's my first challenge that I finished with no breaks, no cheating by skipping around and doing the days in any order, just hug hug day after day after day.

I um, decided to cheat on 8 weeks to 5 km. Like, I want one program where it's a firm commitment, but I also want it to be okay to like... see other programs too. So I'm taking Zen out on a few dates, all casual like, no commitment, no guilt if one day I can't do it. So I did day #1 today and omg it felt soooooooo good, just peace and quiet and gentle stretches.

Nutrition

Another salad for lunch, no buying a drink at work, I prepared dinner ahead of time so no need to pick something up from the food court.

Rest and rewards

Honestly day one of zen was rest enough. But I also stacked up one marvel card by doing the workout of the day in pretty good time, no breaks longer than say, five six minutes. And most of them just four.

Day #17

 

[princess_sarena]

Friday, September 13th, 2024

Meditations - two meditations. The second one, I dunno, it was my first truly non guided since I've restarted. I discovered that my mind and my heart are a mess.

Exercise and fitness - this day did not go as planned, but I think I did my best nevertheless. I was way too tired to wake up for an early morning run, so I decided not to do today's day of 8 weeks to 5 km. It's okay, it was a long time coming. I've never gotten this far without pausing. Either way, I abandoned Baseline at day #27 and jumped into the 5 km training without finishing the last program I was working on. I finished day #27 instead, but ramped it up too high by adding on too much weight.

Also, I printed out baseline two years ago and have been following that, but when I checked online it was a DIFFERENT EASIER TRAINING. Same goes for tomorrow. They've updated it, but do I follow the last three printed pages or just switch to doing it online???

I did day #2 of the zen program for tonight's meditation, time calculated by the calm app.

I did not do today's wall pushups challenge. It was too late when I got to it, I wanted to go to bed so desperately, and wasn't going to make half an effort and not give it my all. So I just decided it's okay to be gentle for a while, while I regain my energy and stamina, and just focus on the main workouts that have to get done, but be willing to drop what doesn't.

Day #13 of squats challenge, day #4 of salad eating challenge, daily dare #8. Somewhere along the way I lost track of that, but at least that many since I've returned.

Nutrition - I had a sweet drink today that was offered to me, but it was within acceptable limits. It's tradition to drink grape juice on Shabbat and holidays, so I let myself have all three gulps. It wasn't a lot, but it felt good drinking it because the tastiness served a purpose, if not a nutritional one. After the meal my aunt brought out a strawberry gluten free cake, my favorite flavor, and I almost felt guilty turning it down. I say almost because I'd noticed she only buys or prepares a gluten free dessert for me when there are extra guests over, but not when she has no one to impress. So it was not so hard to say thanks but no thanks. Other than the small amount of grape juice, I only had water with meals. Oh! Except breakfast! I switched to a less sugary version of my usual cereal, and since I don't enjoy eating it, I let myself add a tiny bit of milk prepared with strawberry syrup to drink as a treat after. I think it's okay for now, maybe a habit to cut once I'm more used to the new cereal.

Rest and rewards - definitely a marvel card for doing day #27 with SO MANY WEIGHTS. That's two stacked up.

ALSO OMG I LOVE THE STAR MASTER WORKOUT, I wanted to study ballet as a kid but family couldn't afford it seven kids yk, and workouts like that help me feel that some of that balance and control and grace isn't totally out of reach!

Day #18

 

[princess_sarena]

Saturday September 14th 2024

Meditations - technically two, but one right after the other? This morning was a total mess and I didn't get around to it, which messed up my evening meditation too, ugggggh

Exercise and fitness - day #28 of baseline, with one pound hand weights (I chose the printed version for consistency, but in the future I'll be more careful about printing out programs and then not doing them for years). Day #3 of zen, keeping my arms up that long was anything but zen, but I find it's helping to balance my body and mind by combining meditation with movement. Salad day #5, squats day #14

Nutrition - I had two of my sugarless drinks. In the afternoon as a treat and in the evening because I lost the willpower. I'm hoping to finish most of them before the Jewish new year, so I can start clean. On the other hand, I ate my very last surviving candy and threw out the sentimental party lollipops.

Rest and rewards - three marvel cards to be opened, one earned today for doing baseline with only very short breaks. Watched another dragon prince episode. Started playing Stardew Valley again. I missed it! But I'll try to keep it to one virtual day per real day.

And... tomorrow is Small Prize day! I'm almost forgetting to think about that, almost beginning to be determined to hold on just for the feel of it ---

Day #19

 

[MadamMeow]

Congrats on earning the Self Hug Challenge Badge.

 

[princess_sarena]

Congrats on earning the Self Hug Challenge Badge.

Thank you!!!

 

[princess_sarena]

Sunday, September 15th, 2024

Meditations - two, one calm (the last day of the thirty days for beginners) and one Neo (the second guided meditation of the Himalayas journey). I just found out that the Neo meditations change if you do them twice. I need to try that! But first let's finish them all at least once okay? I dunno if the Neo or calm meditations count for the zen program... I'm so obsessive of doing a different meditation for each challenge

Exercise and fitness - I did day #17 of 8 weeks to 5 km. I just... feel like I'm making no progress on the runs, like I'm just as slow and weak as I was when I started. It doesn't help that my running app isn't logging distance or time properly, making it look like I ran two km in over forty minutes (I didn't!).

Day #15 of squats (halfway through the days, if not halfway through the squats). Salad day #6, almost a week, daily dare #9. Wall pushups day #6.

Nutrition - still getting through my supply of drinks, but it's been eight days since I bought any. Salads getting yummier and easier to eat. I'm thinking of switching to a quinoa salad for next week. Not have the same salad thirty days in a row but... does quinoa salad count as salad? Like there's vegetables but also quinoa...

Rest and rewards - today is small prize day. I get to pick something as soon as I'm done writing this (I'll pick a dollar store holder for cotton makeup pads, most likely). I also decided to combine my fifteenth day movie with a reward for the huggity challenge badge and WATCH ALL THREE AND A HALF HOURS OF TAYLOR SWIFT'S ERAS TOUR CONCERT. I'm a third of the way through already. I've learned that really committing to my rewards is just as important as committing to the fitness and health goals. Watching that hour of taylor swift dancing was good for my soul, and a reminder of what I'm getting fit FOR: I wanna be able to dance my heart out for three and a half hours, stage or no stage!

Day #20

 

[princess_sarena]

(I love looking through the prize box it's stuffed with goodies I did choose the cotton pad holder and its doing good service holding makeup remover pads... I'm planning to let it empty a bit before I restock it let's see how well I stick to that resolution)

 

[princess_sarena]

Monday, September 16th, 2024

Time flies...

Meditation - two again. Neo, first meditation prize, first rep. Finished calm's thirty days for beginners and started twenty one days of calm. I'm still not sure if I'm making progress. Trying to just remember to return as often as I get lost. No wait three! I forgot my afternoon meditation.

Exercise and fitness - I did day #18 of 8 weeks to 5km. Tomorrow's seems impossible. Just one minute of rest between runs? But then I thought running for five minutes was impossible. This is where I get disheartened and begin to think of dropping out of the program for something different, anything different, something easier. Just giving up and giving in and saying nevermind I can't do it, I can't do this training. But there's always another voice in my head saying "just give it one more shot. You can give up soon, but don't do it yet." I don't need to do all fifty something days. I just need to do ONE more run. Okay? I can do one more run. And if it's hard it's hard. Life is hard. I got this.

Day #4 of zen. I just added a meditation to the middle of my day. It wasn't very zen. My mind was all over. But I did it, and that's what counts. Squats, day #16. Didn't do wall pushups, because pushups were part of the 5 km training and were they HARD. My arm muscles felt like jelly halfway through the first set. Salad day #7. Daily dare #10.

Nutrition - not much to report except an intense craving for a frozen hot chocolate from second cup. I think I dreamed of drinking one all last night, and boy was it good. I'm halfway towards buying one next time I go into work. I don't know if I should be like "I held back for a week and a half, time for a little treat" or "I held on so long, I can hold on through this craving too." Why am I so obsessed with buying NOTHING but milk and water? Dunno I think I just wanna see if I have the strength not to run after every little impulse. And those drinks are expensive and eat into my budget. Water is fine.

Rest and rewards - I decided that doubling the 8 weeks to 5 km even through the pushups day should get me a marvel card. I opened a pack of them and I got two new ones, including one that my friends have been asking me to look out for! Other than that, mostly just an episode of dragon prince. I have twenty tv points all nicely stacked up, ready to use.

Starting to get a little disheartened. It's been two thirds of a month and I feel like I've made such little progress. My legs still burn when I run and my arms feel like jelly when I try to do pushups. I just feel like nothing's CHANGED. But I don't have to change. I just gotta hold on. One more day, one more rep, one more step, one more breath. That's all. That's all it'll ever be. No one ever changes, because we are all eternally in the now.

Day #21

 

[Maegaranthelas]

Three weeks of consistent exercise! That's so good!
well done you

 

[JohnStrong]

Maybe I lost the weight of more than just the uneaten candy in doing that.

Insightful

 

[princess_sarena]

T

Three weeks of consistent exercise! That's so good!
well done you

Thank you! I almost missed realizing that milestone, but it has been three weeks... Here's to the fourth!

 

[princess_sarena]

Insightful

Haha thanks

 

[princess_sarena]

Tuesday, September 17th, 2024

Okay, so today was a special day because I almost didn't do it. I had an appointment, then went shopping, and when I got home and put the groceries away it was dinner time and by then it was already late and getting dark.

But instead of getting down and angry that I let the day slip away, I changed, prepped some water, went upstairs and put my shoes on. And then I stepped outside and I ran/walked five kilometres.

Meditation - this section is gonna drop, I think, except for noting exceptional milestones. I have the meditation habit down good by now, and since my last meditation is before I get ready for bed, this darebee log becomes part of my bedtime routine, pushing back my bedtime by ten, fifteen minutes. I'd rather write it earlier in the day, before my last meditation. If I have a comment or milestone I'll add it, but not logging meditations per day. It's two or three, with maybe smaller ones sprinkled.

Exercise and fitness - day #19 of 5 km. It was... easier. I thought it would be so hard, but it really wasn't. Not anymore. It was a light jog maybe, but still!

Me: "I haven't changed a bit"

Also me: "I can run half an hour with only six one minute breaks huh couldn't do that a month ago"

Day #17 of squats, also didn't get done til past 11 PM but got done is the point. Day #8 of salad. Day #11 of daily dare. The daily dares are fun, but I've noticed they're also a good way to see what you got down pat and what muscle groups you still need to work on.

Nutrition - I need to work on adding more protein, so I got some cheese for a sushi salad on my sister's advice and bought several cans of tuna to eat as snacks. I found more candy. Threw out one, ate a few of the other before gathering more strength and letting the rest go. Didn't buy any drinks, even though I was at the hospital at an appointment and usually buy myself a soda or ice capp as a treat. Stayed strong.

But having my salad and water all prepped and ready helped. Sure I wanted chips from the vending machine but my stomach knew I didn't need them, because it was full of good food and sweet liquid. Having steady, healthy options around instead is most of the battle.

Rest and rewards - the dragon prince. Picked up a few treasures to add to my box while I was out grocery shopping. Held back and only spent $13 total, and almost half that was one comic book.

Less disheartened. I pushed through, and I've almost made it to the end of the third week of the 5 km training. I like how darebee's program doesn't have any unstructured training. No "just run as much as you like for fifteen minutes." If you tell me what I can do, I can do it. Leave it up to me and I'll be like I'm tired I'm done running forever k bye.

Day #22

 

[princess_sarena]

Wednesday, September 18th, 2024

So today I came across a new ... uh situation. My left knee kinda hurts when I do squats and side lunges. Otherwise pretty fine, just doesn't like those deep bends.

And a while ago I might've just taken time off from exercise to let it get better, until I'd forgotten about exercise altogether. Or I'd been all like "I wanted to do a thousand squats this month! I put in so much time and I got so far and I can't even finish!" and been all crushingly disappointed. Or maybe even "I started and I'm gonna finish whatever it takes!"

And now I can be like, okay, a setback. How can I rewire it into progress? Firstly, attitude. It's okay. Exercise comes with risk. Injuries happen, and this is pretty minor. Secondly, how can I let it heal? Which exercises do I need to stop doing til I can do them again with no pain? K, we know: squats, lunges, any deep knee bend. Thirdly, how can I take advantage of what I can't do to fill the same time up with stuff I don't usually get to do? If my knee hurts, maybe can I focus on upper body strength until it gets better?

So I might put some of my current programs and challenges on hiatus until I can do squats again. If that means pausing 5 km as well, I'll turn to seated arms of steel, and work on my upper body strength until I can safely return to leg days. For now, I'll still try the next day of running, and see how I feel. If I'm not up to it, I'll stop.

And like - it really is minor, I'd guess just a strain or a bruise. Just an opportunity to practice flexibility and maintaining a fitness practice even when I have to change directions and ease up the difficulty level for a while.

Fitness and exercise - day #20 of 5 km. The day when I finally realized those side lunges were hurting in a way they weren't supposed to. Should I have finished them anyway? No. Moving on. Day #18 of squats. That was no biggie. The squat hold doesn't hurt my knee for some reason, just the up and down motion does. Day #9 of salad challenge. I ate two salads, technically, one quinoa one sushi. I didn't think the sushi counted cuz it was mostly rice, but the quinoa sure did. Day #11 of daily dares. It was too hard for me to do fully, but I could do it lifting only one arm at a time and then the other. It's a start?

Nutrition - I told my sister about my resolution to switch to just water. She was super supportive!!! I love when a relationship is right, like when I can say what I need to do for my body and she's proud of me for taking care of my health, and she tells me she's been drinking more juice to get the Vitamin c etc and I can be like really proud of her too for doing what's right for her (she's been sick lately, in and out of the hospital, and I'd honestly be a little worried if she was trying what I'm trying). But both of us can support each other's needs even though they're very different. We get that trying to get other people to be more like us is stupid, because then they'd be less like themselves and not doing what their bodies and minds need.

Rest and rewards - I finally used that makeup palette I've opened up for the fifteenth day prize. My sister likes those colours, so we video called and did our makeup together. She's so cute - she lives seven hours ahead, so she just did her makeup at, like, eight o'clock at night for no reason, just so we could spend time together. And my palette is so pretty, and I did something weird: I added a reddish purple on top of pretty basic purples. I didn't think it would work but it actually looked glowy and gorgeous.

And maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and my knee will be fine again. Wouldn't that be nice...

Day #23

 

[MadamMeow]

Hoping your knee doesn't give you issues tomorrow.

 

[princess_sarena]

Thursday, September 19th, 2024

And here I am, falling off the wagon. I was so messed up yesterday I didn't even write my log.

I decided to change my mind on the run. I'd rather miss a few days of running than worsen the knee problem. Probably the more sensible thing to do. I was also totally burnt out, dead tired, barely able to get out of bed. So I just decided to fall back and switch programs for a few days. I decided that as long as I'm making progress on A program, like moving forward to the next day that I'm up to in that particular program (or repeating days in order of a program I already did but on a higher level) that counts as a day of exercise. So I switched to Arms of Steel Seated with one pound weights. I tried two pound weights on a different workout, and it was too much, so I decided to stick with one and move to two when I'm done both arms of steel programs.

So -

exercise and fitness: arms of steel day #1, zen day #5, day #10 of salad challenge, day #6 of wall pushups. I did nothing that involved the legs, other than yknow, just sort of standing. And as always, well padded them during the kneeling stretches.

Nutrition -went to my dad's for dinner. I accepted a drink and tea without any sugar. I figured my resolution not to buy even flavored sparkling water is more because it costs a lot and I don't even like them, but if I'm over at someone's house it's a fine alternative to having a soda. The tea was to be polite, and I also see no harm. I couldn't eat any of the chocolates because gluten (I'M CELIAC THERE'S A MEDICAL REASON I PROMISE) but I also didn't take any of the candy.

Rest and rewards - I decided if I watch a tv show with someone else and let them pick something I wouldn't watch by myself and don't care much to see, I don't have to deduct any points for that. No need to deduct TV points that I worked hard to earn because I'm sweet and kind. Me being nice means I get a free tv show, cool.

Haven't tested the knee yet. I'm gonna give it at least one or two more days before I try squats or running again.

Day #24

 

[princess_sarena]

Hoping your knee doesn't give you issues tomorrow.

Never gave it the chance

 

[princess_sarena]

Friday, September 20th, 2024

Really not much to write today. I did day #2 of Arms of Steel seated (with one pound weights), day #11 of the salad challenge, and day #12 of daily dares.

I'm feeling a little messed up and exhausted. And simultaneously a little more steady emotionally. I don't know how to explain that. I'm not meditating as consistently, I'm not exercising as strenuously, like something in me broke down a little.

Life update, I have really close friends who are off roleplaying secret plots together and relegating my characters to NPCs. When I said I was feeling left out, they were basically like "you can play some hydra agents" and I was like "I don't play being neo Nazis" and then they were like "oh well." I have to tell my best friends I'm leaving their game, not knowing if I'll ever talk to them again after that, and that's part of what's freezing me up inside but maybe once it's over and I'm gone I'll begin to get myself back again. Or maybe I'll permanently lose a part of my heart like I did when the girl who's breaking my heart again abandoned me years ago for a friendship she felt locked out of. No idea.

 

[princess_sarena]

Saturday, September 21st, 2024

Day #3 of arms of steel. Day #7 of wall pushups.

Sunday, September 22nd, 2024

Day #4 of arms of steel.

Days #26 and #27. It's not much, but better than nothing?

 

[Maegaranthelas]

Absolutely better than nothing!
I am currently sick so my ten daily push-ups are done higher up on the stairs than normal.
And my ten daily squats probably aren't as deep as usual either.

When our bodies and brains are feeling better, we'll do more again =)

 

[princess_sarena]

Absolutely better than nothing!
I am currently sick so my ten daily push-ups are done higher up on the stairs than normal.
And my ten daily squats probably aren't as deep as usual either.

When our bodies and brains are feeling better, we'll do more again =)

Thank you! I really appreciate the encouragement, it's easy to get down because of a temporary dip. As long as I'm still moving, I'm moving forward