In the Lion's den

[Matan]

Let's talk about goals for 2025... I usually don't have any, but I thought I'll give it a try.

1. A least 15 minutes of exercise a day (on average)
2. Reading for at least 15 minutes a day.
3. Flying in the sim for at least 2h per week... (if you're interested I could post about my sim adventures here).

 

[Matan]

Done today:

Secret Santa Workout
It was really fun, I really enjoyed the soundtrack Thank you Santa!
The finisher though, super hard.
I saved that workout for future use

Good night/day bees!

 

[CODawn]

Happy New Year!

 

[Maegaranthelas]

Those are good goals

 

[f1shie]

Let's talk about goals for 2025... I usually don't have any, but I thought I'll give it a try.

1. A least 15 minutes of exercise a day (on average)
2. Reading for at least 15 minutes a day.
3. Flying in the sim for at least 2h per week... (if you're interested I could post about my sim adventures here).

Post 'em!

 

[Syrius]

3. Flying in the sim for at least 2h per week... (if you're interested I could post about my sim adventures here).

Yeah, share your sim adventures!!

 

[Mamatigerj]

3. Flying in the sim for at least 2h per week... (if you're interested I could post about my sim adventures here).

Definitely!

 

[Matan]

Okay. I'll post it on weekly basis, I think.

Done today:

Winter Blues Workout [III, 60", EC]

I had prepared a lengthy rant about my mental health and how I'm not looking forward for this year, but I don't think I should post it...

Good night/day bees!

 

[Matan]

Done today:

Everyday Yoga Workout

Sigh... my workout times start going down...

Good night/day bees!

 

[Matan]

What a terrible day, what's a terrible life.

I have absolutely no motivation, but I tried to do some exercises anyway. I did some side to side jumps, climber taps, hops, plank crunches, jumping jacks, toe tap hops, high knees, even jump knee tucks and some meditation.

All in vain, I still feel awful... I don't think there's a way I could turn the tide... It's all useless...

 

[Laura Rainbow Dragon]

@Matan I think you are amazing to have found the strength to do all of that when you were feeling so low.

And it was not useless. Physical exercise is not a magic bullet "I did a workout and now I feel on top of the world!" kind of thing. (Exercise does encourage the production of endorphins, so it can improve your mood and energy levels. But it's not going to take you from zero to sixty in one session.) But you did work during that session which your body will respond to by getting stronger and better able to cope with stressors (including mental ones) going forward. And you showed yourself that you can in fact do quite a lot, even when your motivation level is zero. You showed up for yourself (and your DAREBEE community) with that workout. Kudos!

 

[FlowersandPetals]

Any workout at all is never useless. You had to put a lot of effort into it today but you did it. Even if it’s your only accomplishment today, it’s something to be proud of!
Depression is hard; I know that well! You have to really push yourself to do the smallest tasks. Keep going. Every step, no matter how little, is worth it.

 

[Maegaranthelas]

I am in total agreement with the rest here, you did amazingly to work out on such a rough mental health day and I am really proud of you for doing it

 

[Flip7903]

Hang in there @Matan. The fact that you are trying and doing something shows amazing perseverance. Just know we are all rooting for you here. I am also interested in hereing about your sim adventures. Curious, what kind of sim hardware/software is it?

 

[Matan]

This will sound really weird, but I exercise just out of habit, I'd be sick if I'd skip a day.
I feel like exercise is the only thing in my life I can (kinda) control.
Everything else is a complete mess, I am a mess...

Done yesterday:

Factory Reset Workout [I, 60", EC]
I wish I could factory reset my brain...

Done today:

Silver Workout [II, 30", EC]

Good night/day bees!

 

[Matan]

@Flip7903 I run X-Plane 10 on my old crappy laptop.

 

[Flip7903]

Use that habit/control of exercise as an anchor and work from there. No matter how low you go or how long it takes, you have that one thing that keeps you getting up each day. Never give up that last speck of fight in you. You may not even feel it, don't give it up. Fuck whatever it is trying to snuff you out. From there, just never give up trying to find ways to get out of the hole, mitigate the effects of the low, or maybe someday avoid the low. May never succeed fully, but there has got to be something to this consciousness to keep fighting for. Worse case, there is nothing, but boy did we fight the most epic battle in our head to find out.

I feel you in your need of a factory reset. In my experiences I have learned that I need to get far away from the comforts of todays society and technology. I am planning a backpacking trip in the next month for the first time in several years. I am hoping that explains the reason I feel like I am losing my flippin mind right now. Straight up mental break incoming. It is hard as fuck, but consider getting away in some form or another for at least a couple of days. Biggest thing in my opinion, no tech. And for most, probably a thousand times easier with another human being. Maybe others here have more suggestions on how to get away?

I have no idea what you are going though in reality, but maybe there is something, anything, from my suffering that I can help in yours. You sharing here on this forum has helped me. Even if I don't believe it most of the time, I know I have to keep fighting because I know you need to keep fighting.

 

[Maegaranthelas]

I feel you on the factory reset, although in my case it's more like my programming includes some very dodgy code xD
But some days are just for getting through. Survival and a little movement are great achievements I am glad you're achieving

 

[Matan]

But I want to give up, really... In theory I have a choice, continue to live my terrible little life as is, or make a huge change making my life terrible in a different way. No matter what I'd do, I'd do wrong.

I don't think I can disconnect, unless I want to be left completely alone. I don't mind solitude, but I hate loneliness.
Believe it or not, but I have absolutely no friends IRL, zero. I sheltered myself for way too long...

You sharing here on this forum has helped me.

I'd really want to know how?

my programming includes some very dodgy code

Mine is straight out broken. A permanent error.

But some days are just for getting through.

Like 99% of my days.

Done today:

Skylark Workout [I, 2']

Good night/day bees!

 

[Flip7903]

I don't know if this is helpful or not, but I do not believe we have a choice or free will. I believe that our choices come down to some combination of genetics, chemicals, experience, chance, and chaos. Neurons are going to synapse the way they do whether you want them to or not. We just have the illusion of being in control. I may not be able to actually control anything right now, but I am still having experiences because I am still conscious. I am also learning/changing and making new choices, new synapses, based on the combination I mentioned earlier and what I am experiencing in every moment, including meeting you here. Reading your posts and feeling your suffering gives me new perspective on my own. I don't know what that will mean in the long term, but right now I care about you more than I care to pay unnecessary attention to whatever the is wrong with me. It is my hope that some random experience someday will set me straight. I am also hopeful that my being can redirect others is a more positive direction. I truely do believe in the power of a smile. Even when I am suffering, smiling at others is a temporary respite.

You should consider looking for groups that meet in person. There are groups for every interest you can think of. I think meetup.com is one, probably search for groups in facebook if you have that. You are going to have to force yourself to get out there. Something I read in "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle about choices that I really like is, you only have three choices for any situation. Leave it, change it, or accept it. Accept it, does not mean to give up, but to change your mindset of the situation. I feel like that is all but impossible when depressed. Seriously consider changing things up or leaving a shitty situation. Find a group to meet up with, face to face makes a huge difference. Work on finding a medication that works for you, seek therapy, run away to someplace different, just do the thing you have always wanted to do, live the van life, any combinations of a million things. First step is to change something, anything, to chip away at the walls crushing you to hopefully spark something different.

I know the feeling of wanting to give up. I don't know your situation or what you are going through. I do know that feeling. Honestly, for me, I am not sure it ever goes away at this point. Relief is possible though. Survive, then the moments when it is not crushing your soul is when you need start making those changes, taking those chances. Don't sit ideal with these feelings, otherwise that is all there is. In reality, there is so much more.

 

[Matan]

Done today:

Everyday Yoga Workout

Good night/day bees!

 

[Matan]

Thank you @Flip7903 I really appreciate you trying to help a stranger.
I don't know if any of that would help though.

Let's say that my life skills are inadequate to my age. Even though I really don't like my life, I'm afraid of change. I'm so useless and pathetic...

Even if I'd find a group based on my interests I could join. I'd never speak up, to not show the level of my incompetence.

Honestly? I wish I had the balls to give up properly...

 

[Matan]

Done today:

Seated Boxer Workout

As you may have guessed it's another terrible day...

Good night/day bees!

 

[graoumia]

Thank you @Flip7903 I really appreciate you trying to help a stranger.
I don't know if any of that would help though.

Let's say that my life skills are inadequate to my age. Even though I really don't like my life, I'm afraid of change. I'm so useless and pathetic...

Even if I'd find a group based on my interests I could join. I'd never speak up, to not show the level of my incompetence.

Honestly? I wish I had the balls to give up properly...

I think you are wrong, in your situation, you cannot have a clear and realistic view of your skills, it is not possible, so you cannot say that. And regarding the group, would it be so awful to join a group to learn things and don't speak up at the beginning? it could be something for you? Then i know you would maybe realize you know a lot more than you may be able to admit, but it is another question

 

[Flip7903]

Thank you @Flip7903 I really appreciate you trying to help a stranger.
I don't know if any of that would help though.

Let's say that my life skills are inadequate to my age. Even though I really don't like my life, I'm afraid of change. I'm so useless and pathetic...

Even if I'd find a group based on my interests I could join. I'd never speak up, to not show the level of my incompetence.

Honestly? I wish I had the balls to give up properly...

I hear you man. As long as you are still breathing, there is always a chance that one day something will click and your course will change in a direction that is more managable for you. No matter what you think of yourself right now, you have a place in this world. We very rarely realize the impact we have on others. We create too many stories in our head to see it or believe it.

I am proud of you for opening up to us here and telling your truth. That takes some balls. And it is pretty proper for a living creature to not kill itself. Too many other ways to die. So even if you think nothing else about you is normal, not killing yourself is very normal and a good trait to have. If you are willing to share or just need to someone to listen, I am here, as are many others here in this community that genuinely care about you and your well-being. Also, if you are in USA and in crisis, consider 988. It is kind of like 911 but for mental health. I have not tried it yet, but seems like a good resource if you are at your wits end and just need a fellow human (whether you believe it or not) to talk to, vent to, yell at, whatever. Thinking about it now, I am going to post it in an obvious spot in my house. I could have used it recently and did not think about it.

Great job on the workouts man, keep it up! We are rooting for you!

 

[Matan]

I think you are wrong, in your situation, you cannot have a clear and realistic view of your skills, it is not possible, so you cannot say that.

Unless we're talking about basic life skills every adult should have.

No matter what you think of yourself right now, you have a place in this world.

It's a very hopeful thinking...

I am proud of you for opening up to us here and telling your truth. That takes some balls.

Isn't that just desperation and cry for attention...

I once told my friend that I'll never use this kind of phone service. I don't want to block the line from someone who may really need help...

Great job on the workouts man, keep it up! We are rooting for you!

Thanks, but I barely do anything...

Done today:

Seated Boxer Workout

My brain did a massive scare on me today... I spent most of the day fearing that I'll die or even worse.
You can guess that I feel like a shadow of a human... Broken and scared.

Good night/day bees!

 

[graoumia]

I am sure you are not alone, so many people are suffering of anxiety, because our world now has so much to make us anxious. And i want to had you did great job with secret santa, first by being not recognized, and because all workout are really fantastic, so yours is, obviously. Take care and have a good night

 

[Maegaranthelas]

Unless we're talking about basic life skills every adult should have.

Heh, my mum helps me with all kinds of paperwork because I just... cannot xD
Not in a timely fashion at least, and not without a lot of panic because I just don't understand what they want from me and why.

I think you may overestimate how competent everybody else is
I suppose some people have all their ducks in a row and their entire life in order, but the majority of people I know and like do not!
I also feel like we're living through times in which it is very difficult to actually have your life in order.
Frankly, there are a lot of things in this day and age to feel shit about.
You seem nice, we'd like for you to stay here with us, keep each other company while the times are shit

 

[Mamatigerj]

I think you may overestimate how competent everybody else is

Absolutely! I always think everybody else has their you-know-what together, and wonder what's wrong with me. Adulting is hard, even for a 61 year-old grandmother!

You seem nice, we'd like for you to stay here with us, keep each other company while the times are shit

Yes, please

 

[Laura Rainbow Dragon]

Adulting is hard

Yup. One of the things that's hard about it is that making mistakes, or showing any kind of weakness, is often punished. Most of us learn to wear masks, to hide our weaknesses from the vultures. Which is why it often appears that everyone else has their shit together better than you do. But the truth is: everyone is faking it to a certain extent. Compassion is in short supply amongst our species. (And places where it's allowed to shine, like our Hive, are awesome!)

 

[Syrius]

Unless we're talking about basic life skills every adult should have.

Trust me, not all adults have these skills. I am still finding new ones that I don't have yet.

Isn't that just desperation and cry for attention...

1000% not. We are proud of you for showing up and still being here. We are here to cheer on your accomplishments, big and small, commiserate with your hard times and bad days, and to reaffirm you that we think you are a worthwhile human. This is the power of our Hive, we are a caring, compassionate community and we are glad that you are here.

I spent most of the day fearing that I'll die or even worse.

This I can relate too. I get this feeling before I go to bed sometimes. It is a horrible way to feel. I am sorry that you spent your day this way.

 

[Maegaranthelas]

Isn't that just desperation and cry for attention...

I would also like to point out that you, lovely person, deserve attention too. You deserve respect, you deserve kindness, you deserve compassion, you deserve love. Even when you feel like shit. And even when people haven't given it to you. You still deserve all these things

 

[Matan]

I probably shouldn't say that, but I wasted 15 years of my life, I gambled with my life and I lost...
I'm a failure, I'm a loser...
There was a time last year when I thought that maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that maybe I can be happy too, but reality pulled me back to the bottom, where my place is.
I do really appreciate your support, I don't know what I would do without you.
I understand what you are saying, it just don't think any of this can be applied to me...
I have no more strength, and I don't want to fail anymore...

Done today:

Seated Boxer Workout

I have no idea why I'm still doing this... To add a stupid little number in my stupid little log?

Good night/day bees!

 

[FlowersandPetals]

Of course all this applies to you. I firmly believe that God creates each of us for a reason. We live in an imperfect world with a lot of terrible things going on. Every single generation sees that.
I grew up in a terrible home. I’ve seen myself as worthless until God turned my life around. But I still struggle and my life is nowhere near perfect. I don’t expect it to be. But every day I’m grateful to be alive and to be able to do things I can.
You are important. You have value. You can overcome whatever it is that’s holding you down.
I will be praying for you. Please don’t give up.

 

[Mamatigerj]

@Matan, i would like to lovingly tell you that i believe your view of yourself is incorrect. Depression screws up our thinking. When you have these thoughts and feelings of worthlessness, would it be possible to speak to yourself as you would to a friend? What would you say to one of us if we felt like this? I know you to be a caring and encouraging person. If you cannot see your own value, then you will just have to trust us that we do!

 

[Matan]

Hey! It's your favourite nobody! Just kidding, I'm nobody's favourite...

Done Sunday:

Seated Boxer Workout

Done yesterday:

Seated Boxer Workout

54sec downward and 54sec upward dog for @Laura Rainbow Dragon

Done today:

Everyday Yoga Workout

When you have these thoughts and feelings of worthlessness, would it be possible to speak to yourself as you would to a friend?

Unfortunately no. I'm not my friend. I'm my biggest enemy...

Good night/day bees!

 

[Laura Rainbow Dragon]

54sec downward and 54sec upward dog for @Laura Rainbow Dragon

Thank you!

 

[f1shie]

Hope you had a good day, bud. Thank you so much for your secret santa workout! I'll be sure to complete it when my back is better <3

 

[Matan]

I'm stuck in a limbo. Like an astronaut stranded in the cold emptiness of space without any thrusters, waiting hopelessly for their bitter end...

Done yesterday:

Everyday Yoga Workout

Done today:

Seated Boxer Workout

I have no more strength nor energy...

 

[Nyther]

I'm going to give you some corny/cheesy advice, but I think it'll help. I want you to watch an episode of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood every day. It's free on PlutoTV. Yes, it's a kids show, but pay attention to the first and last parts of the show. The middle part where they go to the Land of Make-Believe isn't important. Listen to Mr. Rogers. He's going to tell you you matter, that you're important and special. And he won't listen to your negative words about yourself. They will fall on deaf ears. And yes, I occasionally pull up Mr. Rogers' affirmations on YouTube for myself. It helps.

 

[Matan]

Can someone explain to me why everyone is trying (very successfully) to make me cry today?

 

[Maegaranthelas]

Because we like you. It's part of the friendship deal, that you end up feeling things. When you're in a bad place though, the feelings tend to manifest as tears. But that is okay! Crying is 100% allowed and we still like you when you're crying.

Since you mentioned the Astronaut thing...
Abigail Thorn is an actor and philosopher who runs the PhilosophyTube channel.
Back when she was still living as a man, she made a couple of really intense and amazing videos about depression and suicidality.
It's absolutely up to you if you feel comfortable watching it, as it obviously deals with very very heavy topics.
But I just want you to know that you are not alone, that we are not judging you, and yes, that some of us have been up there too.

I hope you have a safe landing

 

[Fremen]

You're basically screwed... if we don't give up on you, you can't give up either

 

[HellYeah]

You're basically screwed... if we don't give up on you, you can't give up either

Team Matan

 

[neilarey]

Team Matan!!!

 

[MamaBear]

I probably shouldn't say that, but I wasted 15 years of my life, I gambled with my life and I lost...
I'm a failure, I'm a loser...
There was a time last year when I thought that maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that maybe I can be happy too, but reality pulled me back to the bottom, where my place is.
I do really appreciate your support, I don't know what I would do without you.
I understand what you are saying, it just don't think any of this can be applied to me...
I have no more strength, and I don't want to fail anymore...

Done today:

Seated Boxer Workout

I have no idea why I'm still doing this... To add a stupid little number in my stupid little log?

Good night/day bees!

I am new here and I don't know anyone. I did scroll through and read most of the posts on page 23. I am not sure why anyone hasn't said this but I feel strongly compelled to say this. Some may get angry. I might get blocked but I am going to say it anyway.

STOP IT!!!! STOP WITH TEARING YOURSELF DOWN!!!! WHY ARE YOU BEING SO ABUSIVE TO YOURSELF!!!

HOW ABOUT SOME NICE WORDS ABOUT YOURSELF!!!! IT IS IMPOSSIBLE THAT YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE OR GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF THAT YOU COULD SAY!!!!

There I said it. If all you have to say to yourself is negative, negative, negative WHY would you think you would feel like doing anything or hanging around????? If you said all those things to me I would NOT NOT NOT want to be your friend anymore. Why would I want to listen to you tear me down as a person day in and day out???? I do not mean that you turn around and say you are God's gift to the human race and you are gifted and talented in all areas.... but really do you have nice hair? Are you strong? Do you work hard? What???? What is it that you can do??? Do you show up for work every day? Do you have any talents???? It really is impossible to think that there is nothing positive that you could say about yourself. I have very very low self esteem and maybe this is a reality check for me too. I need to be nicer to myself in what I say to me. You need to be nicer to you.

I'll get off my soapbox and stop preaching to you. But really find one nice thing to say to yourself today!

 

[Matan]

Thank you friends. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.

That video was something @Maegaranthelas. I did cry again. As he spoke about nourishing of the self through the destruction of the self, self-hate, and just wanting to end everything without a reason. I was like "Yea, I can relate".
The strongest thing was definitely this short and simple "I understand."

@MamaBear nobody will be blocking you. We aren't like that here. I appreciate your input (it actually matches what my parents think)
The thing is I can't stop. There's no magical switch. Do you think I enjoy hating myself? No I don't, but I can't stop.

I'd go to therapy, but I live in a s**thole in the middle of nowhere, and can't afford it anyway.

Again, I'd tell you what happened in my life that led to me being like that... but a public forum is not a place for that.
I understand that for you I'd be nothing, but for an already fragile and broken me it was like a last nail in the coffin.
I know that some people came out of much worse situations. But everyone has different levels of mental strength, not everyone can be a mental Eddie Hall.
I also won't talk about my physical health issues, but those are scary sometimes.

I'm trying my best, even though it's not much. I still try to exercise every day, though it's more a habit than a conscious activity.
I'm trying to be here for my friends (all online).
I feel like it's not enough to make me feel better about myself or to help me progress.

 

[Damer]

@Matan we all go through stuff. We each have a struggle going on, and it's different for each of us. What matters is you're here. You're one of us. Period.

 

[Syrius]

Team Matan!!!

 

[CODawn]

Team Matan!