In the Lion's den

[Matan]

Let's talk about goals for 2025... I usually don't have any, but I thought I'll give it a try.

1. A least 15 minutes of exercise a day (on average)
2. Reading for at least 15 minutes a day.
3. Flying in the sim for at least 2h per week... (if you're interested I could post about my sim adventures here).

 

[Matan]

Done today:

Secret Santa Workout
It was really fun, I really enjoyed the soundtrack Thank you Santa!
The finisher though, super hard.
I saved that workout for future use

Good night/day bees!

 

[CODawn]

Happy New Year!

 

[Maegaranthelas]

Those are good goals

 

[f1shie]

Let's talk about goals for 2025... I usually don't have any, but I thought I'll give it a try.

1. A least 15 minutes of exercise a day (on average)
2. Reading for at least 15 minutes a day.
3. Flying in the sim for at least 2h per week... (if you're interested I could post about my sim adventures here).

Post 'em!

 

[Syrius]

3. Flying in the sim for at least 2h per week... (if you're interested I could post about my sim adventures here).

Yeah, share your sim adventures!!

 

[Mamatigerj]

3. Flying in the sim for at least 2h per week... (if you're interested I could post about my sim adventures here).

Definitely!

 

[Matan]

Okay. I'll post it on weekly basis, I think.

Done today:

Winter Blues Workout [III, 60", EC]

I had prepared a lengthy rant about my mental health and how I'm not looking forward for this year, but I don't think I should post it...

Good night/day bees!

 

[Matan]

Done today:

Everyday Yoga Workout

Sigh... my workout times start going down...

Good night/day bees!

 

[Matan]

What a terrible day, what's a terrible life.

I have absolutely no motivation, but I tried to do some exercises anyway. I did some side to side jumps, climber taps, hops, plank crunches, jumping jacks, toe tap hops, high knees, even jump knee tucks and some meditation.

All in vain, I still feel awful... I don't think there's a way I could turn the tide... It's all useless...

 

[Laura Rainbow Dragon]

@Matan I think you are amazing to have found the strength to do all of that when you were feeling so low.

And it was not useless. Physical exercise is not a magic bullet "I did a workout and now I feel on top of the world!" kind of thing. (Exercise does encourage the production of endorphins, so it can improve your mood and energy levels. But it's not going to take you from zero to sixty in one session.) But you did work during that session which your body will respond to by getting stronger and better able to cope with stressors (including mental ones) going forward. And you showed yourself that you can in fact do quite a lot, even when your motivation level is zero. You showed up for yourself (and your DAREBEE community) with that workout. Kudos!

 

[FlowersandPetals]

Any workout at all is never useless. You had to put a lot of effort into it today but you did it. Even if it’s your only accomplishment today, it’s something to be proud of!
Depression is hard; I know that well! You have to really push yourself to do the smallest tasks. Keep going. Every step, no matter how little, is worth it.

 

[Maegaranthelas]

I am in total agreement with the rest here, you did amazingly to work out on such a rough mental health day and I am really proud of you for doing it

 

[Matan]

This will sound really weird, but I exercise just out of habit, I'd be sick if I'd skip a day.
I feel like exercise is the only thing in my life I can (kinda) control.
Everything else is a complete mess, I am a mess...

Done yesterday:

Factory Reset Workout [I, 60", EC]
I wish I could factory reset my brain...

Done today:

Silver Workout [II, 30", EC]

Good night/day bees!

 

[Matan]

@Flip7903 I run X-Plane 10 on my old crappy laptop.

 

[Maegaranthelas]

I feel you on the factory reset, although in my case it's more like my programming includes some very dodgy code xD
But some days are just for getting through. Survival and a little movement are great achievements I am glad you're achieving

 

[Matan]

But I want to give up, really... In theory I have a choice, continue to live my terrible little life as is, or make a huge change making my life terrible in a different way. No matter what I'd do, I'd do wrong.

I don't think I can disconnect, unless I want to be left completely alone. I don't mind solitude, but I hate loneliness.
Believe it or not, but I have absolutely no friends IRL, zero. I sheltered myself for way too long...

You sharing here on this forum has helped me.

I'd really want to know how?

my programming includes some very dodgy code

Mine is straight out broken. A permanent error.

But some days are just for getting through.

Like 99% of my days.

Done today:

Skylark Workout [I, 2']

Good night/day bees!

 

[Matan]

Done today:

Everyday Yoga Workout

Good night/day bees!

 

[Matan]

Thank you @Flip7903 I really appreciate you trying to help a stranger.
I don't know if any of that would help though.

Let's say that my life skills are inadequate to my age. Even though I really don't like my life, I'm afraid of change. I'm so useless and pathetic...

Even if I'd find a group based on my interests I could join. I'd never speak up, to not show the level of my incompetence.

Honestly? I wish I had the balls to give up properly...

 

[Matan]

Done today:

Seated Boxer Workout

As you may have guessed it's another terrible day...

Good night/day bees!

 

[graoumia]

Thank you @Flip7903 I really appreciate you trying to help a stranger.
I don't know if any of that would help though.

Let's say that my life skills are inadequate to my age. Even though I really don't like my life, I'm afraid of change. I'm so useless and pathetic...

Even if I'd find a group based on my interests I could join. I'd never speak up, to not show the level of my incompetence.

Honestly? I wish I had the balls to give up properly...

I think you are wrong, in your situation, you cannot have a clear and realistic view of your skills, it is not possible, so you cannot say that. And regarding the group, would it be so awful to join a group to learn things and don't speak up at the beginning? it could be something for you? Then i know you would maybe realize you know a lot more than you may be able to admit, but it is another question

 

[Matan]

I think you are wrong, in your situation, you cannot have a clear and realistic view of your skills, it is not possible, so you cannot say that.

Unless we're talking about basic life skills every adult should have.

No matter what you think of yourself right now, you have a place in this world.

It's a very hopeful thinking...

I am proud of you for opening up to us here and telling your truth. That takes some balls.

Isn't that just desperation and cry for attention...

I once told my friend that I'll never use this kind of phone service. I don't want to block the line from someone who may really need help...

Great job on the workouts man, keep it up! We are rooting for you!

Thanks, but I barely do anything...

Done today:

Seated Boxer Workout

My brain did a massive scare on me today... I spent most of the day fearing that I'll die or even worse.
You can guess that I feel like a shadow of a human... Broken and scared.

Good night/day bees!

 

[graoumia]

I am sure you are not alone, so many people are suffering of anxiety, because our world now has so much to make us anxious. And i want to had you did great job with secret santa, first by being not recognized, and because all workout are really fantastic, so yours is, obviously. Take care and have a good night

 

[Maegaranthelas]

Unless we're talking about basic life skills every adult should have.

Heh, my mum helps me with all kinds of paperwork because I just... cannot xD
Not in a timely fashion at least, and not without a lot of panic because I just don't understand what they want from me and why.

I think you may overestimate how competent everybody else is
I suppose some people have all their ducks in a row and their entire life in order, but the majority of people I know and like do not!
I also feel like we're living through times in which it is very difficult to actually have your life in order.
Frankly, there are a lot of things in this day and age to feel shit about.
You seem nice, we'd like for you to stay here with us, keep each other company while the times are shit

 

[Mamatigerj]

I think you may overestimate how competent everybody else is

Absolutely! I always think everybody else has their you-know-what together, and wonder what's wrong with me. Adulting is hard, even for a 61 year-old grandmother!

You seem nice, we'd like for you to stay here with us, keep each other company while the times are shit

Yes, please

 

[Laura Rainbow Dragon]

Adulting is hard

Yup. One of the things that's hard about it is that making mistakes, or showing any kind of weakness, is often punished. Most of us learn to wear masks, to hide our weaknesses from the vultures. Which is why it often appears that everyone else has their shit together better than you do. But the truth is: everyone is faking it to a certain extent. Compassion is in short supply amongst our species. (And places where it's allowed to shine, like our Hive, are awesome!)

 

[Syrius]

Unless we're talking about basic life skills every adult should have.

Trust me, not all adults have these skills. I am still finding new ones that I don't have yet.

Isn't that just desperation and cry for attention...

1000% not. We are proud of you for showing up and still being here. We are here to cheer on your accomplishments, big and small, commiserate with your hard times and bad days, and to reaffirm you that we think you are a worthwhile human. This is the power of our Hive, we are a caring, compassionate community and we are glad that you are here.

I spent most of the day fearing that I'll die or even worse.

This I can relate too. I get this feeling before I go to bed sometimes. It is a horrible way to feel. I am sorry that you spent your day this way.

 

[Maegaranthelas]

Isn't that just desperation and cry for attention...

I would also like to point out that you, lovely person, deserve attention too. You deserve respect, you deserve kindness, you deserve compassion, you deserve love. Even when you feel like shit. And even when people haven't given it to you. You still deserve all these things

 

[Matan]

I probably shouldn't say that, but I wasted 15 years of my life, I gambled with my life and I lost...
I'm a failure, I'm a loser...
There was a time last year when I thought that maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that maybe I can be happy too, but reality pulled me back to the bottom, where my place is.
I do really appreciate your support, I don't know what I would do without you.
I understand what you are saying, it just don't think any of this can be applied to me...
I have no more strength, and I don't want to fail anymore...

Done today:

Seated Boxer Workout

I have no idea why I'm still doing this... To add a stupid little number in my stupid little log?

Good night/day bees!

 

[FlowersandPetals]

Of course all this applies to you. I firmly believe that God creates each of us for a reason. We live in an imperfect world with a lot of terrible things going on. Every single generation sees that.
I grew up in a terrible home. I’ve seen myself as worthless until God turned my life around. But I still struggle and my life is nowhere near perfect. I don’t expect it to be. But every day I’m grateful to be alive and to be able to do things I can.
You are important. You have value. You can overcome whatever it is that’s holding you down.
I will be praying for you. Please don’t give up.

 

[Mamatigerj]

@Matan, i would like to lovingly tell you that i believe your view of yourself is incorrect. Depression screws up our thinking. When you have these thoughts and feelings of worthlessness, would it be possible to speak to yourself as you would to a friend? What would you say to one of us if we felt like this? I know you to be a caring and encouraging person. If you cannot see your own value, then you will just have to trust us that we do!

 

[Matan]

Hey! It's your favourite nobody! Just kidding, I'm nobody's favourite...

Done Sunday:

Seated Boxer Workout

Done yesterday:

Seated Boxer Workout

54sec downward and 54sec upward dog for @Laura Rainbow Dragon

Done today:

Everyday Yoga Workout

When you have these thoughts and feelings of worthlessness, would it be possible to speak to yourself as you would to a friend?

Unfortunately no. I'm not my friend. I'm my biggest enemy...

Good night/day bees!

 

[Laura Rainbow Dragon]

54sec downward and 54sec upward dog for @Laura Rainbow Dragon

Thank you!

 

[f1shie]

Hope you had a good day, bud. Thank you so much for your secret santa workout! I'll be sure to complete it when my back is better <3

 

[Matan]

I'm stuck in a limbo. Like an astronaut stranded in the cold emptiness of space without any thrusters, waiting hopelessly for their bitter end...

Done yesterday:

Everyday Yoga Workout

Done today:

Seated Boxer Workout

I have no more strength nor energy...

 

[Nyther]

I'm going to give you some corny/cheesy advice, but I think it'll help. I want you to watch an episode of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood every day. It's free on PlutoTV. Yes, it's a kids show, but pay attention to the first and last parts of the show. The middle part where they go to the Land of Make-Believe isn't important. Listen to Mr. Rogers. He's going to tell you you matter, that you're important and special. And he won't listen to your negative words about yourself. They will fall on deaf ears. And yes, I occasionally pull up Mr. Rogers' affirmations on YouTube for myself. It helps.

 

[Matan]

Can someone explain to me why everyone is trying (very successfully) to make me cry today?

 

[Maegaranthelas]

Because we like you. It's part of the friendship deal, that you end up feeling things. When you're in a bad place though, the feelings tend to manifest as tears. But that is okay! Crying is 100% allowed and we still like you when you're crying.

Since you mentioned the Astronaut thing...
Abigail Thorn is an actor and philosopher who runs the PhilosophyTube channel.
Back when she was still living as a man, she made a couple of really intense and amazing videos about depression and suicidality.
It's absolutely up to you if you feel comfortable watching it, as it obviously deals with very very heavy topics.
But I just want you to know that you are not alone, that we are not judging you, and yes, that some of us have been up there too.

I hope you have a safe landing

 

[Fremen]

You're basically screwed... if we don't give up on you, you can't give up either

 

[HellYeah]

You're basically screwed... if we don't give up on you, you can't give up either

Team Matan

 

[neilarey]

Team Matan!!!

 

[MamaBear]

I probably shouldn't say that, but I wasted 15 years of my life, I gambled with my life and I lost...
I'm a failure, I'm a loser...
There was a time last year when I thought that maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that maybe I can be happy too, but reality pulled me back to the bottom, where my place is.
I do really appreciate your support, I don't know what I would do without you.
I understand what you are saying, it just don't think any of this can be applied to me...
I have no more strength, and I don't want to fail anymore...

Done today:

Seated Boxer Workout

I have no idea why I'm still doing this... To add a stupid little number in my stupid little log?

Good night/day bees!

I am new here and I don't know anyone. I did scroll through and read most of the posts on page 23. I am not sure why anyone hasn't said this but I feel strongly compelled to say this. Some may get angry. I might get blocked but I am going to say it anyway.

STOP IT!!!! STOP WITH TEARING YOURSELF DOWN!!!! WHY ARE YOU BEING SO ABUSIVE TO YOURSELF!!!

HOW ABOUT SOME NICE WORDS ABOUT YOURSELF!!!! IT IS IMPOSSIBLE THAT YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE OR GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF THAT YOU COULD SAY!!!!

There I said it. If all you have to say to yourself is negative, negative, negative WHY would you think you would feel like doing anything or hanging around????? If you said all those things to me I would NOT NOT NOT want to be your friend anymore. Why would I want to listen to you tear me down as a person day in and day out???? I do not mean that you turn around and say you are God's gift to the human race and you are gifted and talented in all areas.... but really do you have nice hair? Are you strong? Do you work hard? What???? What is it that you can do??? Do you show up for work every day? Do you have any talents???? It really is impossible to think that there is nothing positive that you could say about yourself. I have very very low self esteem and maybe this is a reality check for me too. I need to be nicer to myself in what I say to me. You need to be nicer to you.

I'll get off my soapbox and stop preaching to you. But really find one nice thing to say to yourself today!

 

[Matan]

Thank you friends. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.

That video was something @Maegaranthelas. I did cry again. As he spoke about nourishing of the self through the destruction of the self, self-hate, and just wanting to end everything without a reason. I was like "Yea, I can relate".
The strongest thing was definitely this short and simple "I understand."

@MamaBear nobody will be blocking you. We aren't like that here. I appreciate your input (it actually matches what my parents think)
The thing is I can't stop. There's no magical switch. Do you think I enjoy hating myself? No I don't, but I can't stop.

I'd go to therapy, but I live in a s**thole in the middle of nowhere, and can't afford it anyway.

Again, I'd tell you what happened in my life that led to me being like that... but a public forum is not a place for that.
I understand that for you I'd be nothing, but for an already fragile and broken me it was like a last nail in the coffin.
I know that some people came out of much worse situations. But everyone has different levels of mental strength, not everyone can be a mental Eddie Hall.
I also won't talk about my physical health issues, but those are scary sometimes.

I'm trying my best, even though it's not much. I still try to exercise every day, though it's more a habit than a conscious activity.
I'm trying to be here for my friends (all online).
I feel like it's not enough to make me feel better about myself or to help me progress.

 

[Damer]

@Matan we all go through stuff. We each have a struggle going on, and it's different for each of us. What matters is you're here. You're one of us. Period.

 

[Syrius]

Team Matan!!!

 

[CODawn]

Team Matan!

 

[Maegaranthelas]

Team Matan

 

[f1shie]

Team Matan, baby!

 

[Laura Rainbow Dragon]

I'm trying to be here for my friends (all online).

We appreciate you being here for us and with us, Matan. Even when you're not able to appreciate this about yourself.

Team Matan!!!

 

[MamaBear]

@Matan this is a place to share your struggles. If these people didn't care they wouldn't keep coming back to encourage you. These are your friends, maybe even some feel like family. They love you and want what is good for you. Please don't give up. Steps are always hard when coming out of the darkness. I did not reach out to say that my situation or some other situation was worse than yours so buck up and go. I did reach out because I understand the darkness that is cold and damp and feels like your own skin. I know about the struggles that consume your own mind and weigh your body down. I want to give you hope. Try each day to say one positive thing about yourself. You work your body hard every day, but do you work your mind? Do you encourage yourself out of bed every day with positive words?

This can be a place where you bring your burden and lay it down for others to see. We can listen and help as much as we can. I am not a therapist, but I am a nurse. I don't just assist in healing the body. Sometimes it requires healing the heart, mind, and soul of a person for their body to heal as well. We are complex creatures and all of this is connected, to neglect one part is to let the other suffer.

I am not offering a magical potion or anything like that. I am offering a friend to walk the road with you.