Tuesday, 4 March Wins: 134 days

Journal -
lots of reflection today - I think I am a little depressed right now.
Steps: 4,744/6,710

10m of writing -
but on a totally different story. Writing what my heart needs right now. Magic. Lots of magic.
First Things:
0440
First Thing Water ==mm==

Morning Foot stretches

Foot rolly thingy
30 Days of Change 25 -
with TOTALS protocol
> 40 thigh taps (40/100)
> 40 shoulder taps (40/200)
> 100 punches (100/200)
> 40 shoulder taps (80/200)
> 20 thigh taps (60/100)
> 40 shoulder taps (120/200)
> 100 overhead punches (100/100)

> 40 shoulder taps (160/200)
> 40 thigh taps (100/100)

> 100 punches (200/200)

> 40 shoulder taps (200/200)
Shelved for today:
Express Tone 10
30 Days of HIIT 2 -
okay, whatever, this lives here now. If I don't do any of it in a week, I'll stop tracking it.
Everest 20
==mm==
1000 Calf Raises 9
Last Things:
==mm==
Counting Victories - I am here and I am alive.

Some ball foot rolling

Evening Foot stretches
I am so stressed. I feel like I can't even... ugh! Words are hard tonight, despite all the writing I've done today. I feel that I can't really plainly talk to anyone about the stress either. I mean, other than M. But I'll try to explain what I can. Sorry for being cagey.
Work stress is just through the roof. Will I still have a job here in the near future? My performance is being evaluated on against unknown criteria by unknown evaluators with what I suspect will be AI (and I have serious reservations about that) and it is killing me to even think that all I have done is coming down to this. I enjoy what I do. I don't want to lose it. But I am unwilling to bend my morals and ethics to make me sound better on paper, not that anyone has told me to do so. The sense of uncertainty is unbearable to me and having been struggling with it for over a week now, I know that it comes and goes. I want to trust that everything will be alright, but I know better than that.
But I journalled today. I did all the writing, and it told me that I am scared and alone. (Again, I have M, but we are both feeling isolated.) I am not good with either of those things. But I have to be. It is part of my job to be, to some extent. Which is the worst part, because the people at work don't seem to understand why I am so afraid, even though I can see some of them quaking in their boots, so to speak. Conversations have quieted. Everyone is trying to get more done. Our heads are down, and we are all desperately trying to pretend it is okay.
Do you want to know my big accomplishment today?
I helped plan a party for my shop. Because we are all in some serious need of morale boosting. I know that it isn't a lot, but I think it is what our souls need. A little comradery, a little good food, and hopefully a little laughter.
But was it productive?
Absolutely not, so I am beating myself up about it. Thus, feeding the vicious cycle of anxiety. Doesn't help the other thing that I have been doing so far this week is a ton of training, so nothing is really getting done there either.
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So here I am. Back here, just trying to do my best at something that I know has positive effects on me. Even if I did mod the protocol a little today, no more than 30 seconds break was taken at any point.
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On the writing front, I had scribbled down something at work. And it resonated with me. So, I brought it home and I typed it in, evolving it in that magical way as I found some better wording and what comes next. And what comes next promises me something great. Is it time to reinvent magic again? Is it time to let my stress out through the written word? I think so, because goodness knows, this is when I shine. Maybe this will fizzle out. Maybe it will be the bones of a better story, but one of hope and magic and who knows what else. But for me, it is the story that I need to tell. Well, Alina, it looks like you and I will find out together. Aofia and Ellery will have to wait until I figure out how I want to rework their story.
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Okay, I think that is enough for tonight. Please, all of you keep safe. Hug your loved ones. The world is a crazy place. I love you.

Keep on being awesome and I'll catch you next time!