Author of a Thousand Fails

OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 569
Zen day 6 complete!

Today was an errand day... I had to go to three stores to find everything and was up 30 minutes past my mark, but I only pushed into discomfort and managed to rest before pain happened. I also found a shop that's REALLY close to my home that sells local honey from my town. I got some hot honey, removed the HOT label, and gave it to my husband to try... After asking why his mouth was on fire, he fell in love with it. Seriously, BEST HONEY EVER! I'm hooked on hot honey. I don't know what our local bees are eating, but it's really the best honey I've had since my mum's Alabama buckwheat honey... that stuff was around before I was born and for over 25 years AFTER my birth! Darkest, thickest honey I'd ever had! Better than molasses! I used to give my kids honey crystals for candy. They loved it! My mum had a LOT of that honey!
 

OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 569
I hope to update this post later today, but since it'll be a bit busy, I figure I'll do an update now before I forget...

The plan is Zen day 7, meal prep for next week, and babysitting... Fortunately, this time, I don't feel like I'm pushing myself to do it... I'll only have to worry about an actual baby, easy enough while reclining in my super awesome bed, and when it's time for me to be up and about, I've got half a dozen kids who are all experienced in holding a baby while I meal prep.

I am able to go up to 4 hours in a day pain-free, and have maintained my weight just under 280lbs recently. Official weigh-in is tomorrow.

Meal prep will include 4 of Darebee's old recipes for snacks:
Green Smoothie - Just four simple ingredients: spinach, apple, banana, and water
No-Bake Protein Bars - quick oats, nut/seed butter, coconut cream/milk, and sweetened vanilla protein powder
Energy Bites - nut butter, oat flakes, cranberries (though I'm using chopped dates), banana
Coconut Bites - grated coconut, honey, and coconut milk - Coconut bites look like coconut ladoo to me!

My goal is to go through all of the old Darebee recipes before any more of them get lost in the wayback machine and decide which ones to keep or cull.
 

OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 569
Didn't have time to update yesterday... I did NOT get Zen day 7 done yesterday... in fact, the only thing that I did accomplish was babysitting. Today, I managed to do Zen day 7, picnic with my kids, and some meal prep before babysitting again.

Tomorrow, I will be baby free!

Weekly weigh-in: 276.2lbs
 

OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 569
Skipped Monday... Oops!

Zen day 9 complete... did day 8 yesterday. Spent the day decluttering my crafting corner... by crafting... HAHAHA! Finished crocheting one basket, hope to finish another... If I'm lucky, I'll even be able to get started on more cotton yarn projects... I'm open to any suggestions. :D
 

OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 569
Zen day 10 complete.

It was a slow day... Finished another basket and spent some bonding time with my kids. Who would've thought when I was 300lbs that all I needed to do to be able to pull my own weight was to lose 25lbs... makes me feel less weak knowing that... Lose another 25lbs, and I'm sure I'll be able to dominate those monkey bars with my kids in no time... HAHAHA!

Plus sides: Mobility is much better. I'm pain-free for the most part. My clothes fit me decently again. Down side: WHY DO BOOBS HAVE TO BE THE FIRST TO GO IN WEIGHT LOSS!!! :cry::cry::cry: I can't help but feel the downside may outweigh all of the plusses... BAHAHAHA!
 

OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 569
So, life's been busy. Still don't have much time for anything... Lost 20lbs. Cancer-free... Had 3 siblings come out with cancer. So, that was a scare for me. Ladies, celebrate with me: I LOST THE WEIGHT AND KEPT MY BOOBS!!! In fact, taking care of my best friend's baby gave me let-down (it's been over 12 years since my last kid!), and my boobs are fuller than ever! ...and hurt like the dickens! Ah... memories! BAHAHAHA! I kinda feel like some sorta supermum right now...

I'm not running yet, as my knees and ankles aren't ready for that kinda impact, but I'm walking twice a day and doing mid-day workouts... I also take my family to the park every week for a picnic and "playground relays", which is basically pt for when I return to free running...

STAY SAFE!
 

OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 569
I guess, I should probably update... life's been pretty much the same. Though, my weight loss has become stagnant again. I recently injured my back and had to cut back on the playground relays and walking distance... However, I'm still walking and doing family picnics... I cut back my mid-day workouts to physical therapy for my back... These spasms really cut into my capacity... Would you believe it if it started with a TENS unit? Over a decade ago, I was recommended a TENS unit for back pain... I followed the instructions, but I noticed that the pain wasn't going away, and that the feeling of small butterflies at random places started to emerge... then it felt like worms crawling under my skin... eventually, I developed knots in my back that a masseuse would rub out, but they'd be back the next day, and when using the TENS unit became more painful than it was helpful, I stopped using it... The worst part is that when I tried to contact the people who gave it to me (a company that both my insurance approved, and my doctor referred), I found the building empty and phone disconnected... It only took 3 months for me to enter this state, but I have had tics and spasms in my back ever since... Anyway, it's decade old news... so no point bein' upset over now... Just not really fond of this situation I get myself in sometimes... HAHA! Bright side: After the stress of this weekend, I'll have an entire day to rest again!
 
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OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 569
Update: Still struggling with spasms... I broke my diet recently and gained some weight back... Getting back on the horse as much as humanly possible... Good news, though... None of my trousers fit me... Those who know me know that I hate wearing clothes anyway, but seeing as how I am required to go out in public on occasion, I did the responsible thing and got new clothes. Now, I can keep both hands free and my birthing hips can finally get back to work holding up my wardrobe, since they're no longer doing anything else useful... Maybe, I can turn my old clothes into a quilt and some small area rugs...
 

OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 569
Tried to get my son medically signed off for his mission (LDS) yesterday, and ended up spending the entire day in the ER with him instead... He passed out from bloodwork and didn't stabilize for hours... anybody else have a syncope? They did an EKG on him and found RBBB (a blockage of some kind). He was perfectly healthy while he was in sports. And since they found nothing wrong during his sports physicals pre-covid, and some sort of block in his physical post-covid, all of my anti-vaxxer relatives have an opinion... Seriously, does that matter now? It's my son... Can you not push your anti-whothehellcares agenda aside for two seconds on behalf of a grieving mum who just found out her son has a heart condition? My perfect son who is tall and strong and incredibly handsome... who does what he's told with a smile, who has never needed prompt to clean up after himself and his siblings, but does so freely... My son who lives clean, works hard, and is willing to push his stoicism aside for his mum and sisters... Can you even spare a moment to grieve with me as I step into the unknown of this situation? I'm well aware of the claims concerning the link to Pfizer and AV blocks... I don't need you to remind me of the possible risks, or add to the nagging voice in my head that I may have done this to him when I yielded to the demands of the school system... Truly, I'm fed up with the political loud-mouths in my family. I spent all night waking up in the worst kinda ways to nightmares of him dying in his sleep... And the icing on the cake was that it was a double booked appointment... So, his sister who suffers from anxiety was with me during this entire thing... Every time a doctor called me in saying there was an emergency and again when he was getting into the ambulance, my daughter was bawling her eyes out. Our 1-hr appointments lasted three, in which she couldn't be seen or sent home, nor could she see him until an all-clear was given... I'm just grateful they gave her special permission to enter the room and see him upright and talking before sending him off... But then she was a hot mess all the rest of the day while I was with him in the ER, not knowing what to expect... She was in worse shape than myself... Not to mention my hypochondriac kid now wants an EKG... That's not an issue, though... Still, it builds up. I have a place to be this morning, and the tensions of yesterday and last night have made my spasms unbearable without drugging myself up... I'm dragging #1 along with me today (or she's dragging me) just so that I can maintain my integrity towards a friend. I will say this: I am grateful for children who have learned to serve with a willing heart. They have been a huge blessing to me, and that blessing has grown exponentially along with them over the years. It seems that the further along we get on our life journey as a family unit, the more scenic the route becomes... Still got a few thorny paths to cross, but I cannot deny how well my children are developing, even into adulthood.
 

OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 569
UPDATE: Literally just got a call from my son's work right after sending my previous post... I get to monitor his health instead today... Holding back the urge to cry... hoping I don't fall apart until tonight.... when I can cry myself into a deeper (hopefully dreamless) sleep....

You know that scene in "Beauty and the Beast" when Belle is singing, "I want adventure in the great, wide somewhere..."? Well, Belle.... adventure comes with ups AND downs... A life of choices without accountability is a life without character development... Marie Antoinette knows what I'm talkin' 'bout...

Anyway... I'm freakishly exhausted in many ways now... Asking for prayers from my religious peoples and positive vibes from my universe juice peoples... For my son, myself and my husband, and my other kids who get to watch from the sidelines...
 
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OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 569
So, life has slowed down enough recently that I feel like I can (hopefully, maybe) make some regular check-ins... but first...

My son has what's called "right bundle branch block". A syncope (fainting spell) is the usual symptom. My son experienced vasovagal syncope. In short, needle goes in blood vessel, his body freaks out and thinks it's dying, he passes out. It's usually harmless... In this case, however, my son's body took it a step further, and he went into shock, and needed an entire day and a half to recover. As far as I can tell, he'll be fine as long as he stays away from needles. He's got a cardiology appointment on Halloween to make sure there's nothing else we need to concern ourselves with.

This week is almost over, but my check-in is pretty simple: I've not been working out much this week, and I broke my diet... again. My entire body is suffering for it now. Needless to say, I've gained some more weight, and this time, it's entirely my fault...

Slept in today... didn't get to bed til after midnight... So, no morning walk. Two appointments this morning... So, no breakfast or homeschooling my kids. Errands run... So, no lunch or mid-day workout, either. Small board with carrot, broccoli, bell pepper, and white cheddar for my snack. Then, I'll be babysitting the entire rest of the afternoon til late night... So, no dinner, no evening walk, and another late bedtime... hmm... maybe, I should just stir-fry the veggies and forgo the cheese... can't let my last meal of the day contain something that sets off my inflammatory responses... Anyway, that's how my day's looking.

Tomorrow's intended course: Up at 6am to babysit til noon-ish... So, no walk, no breakfast or lunch, and no mid-day workout again. Immediately following, I need to get some groceries for the next week and #6's Halloween party. It's quite possible I may end up fasting til (or even thru) dinnertime... Mayhap, I can grab a snack before heading out. If I do, I will be eating a clementine with pumpkin seeds... maybe a romaine heart (contingent upon whether or not my children have eaten them all). Part of why I fast so much is because when I get busy, I snack, and not always on healthy foods... I'm a stress-eater. Eating out is also a REALLY bad idea for me. Because I am prone to such painful, even crippling, inflammatory responses, it's easier and safer for me to fast under these circumstances. This doesn't mean that I am completely starving myself.. I take a prenatal vitamin daily and drink plenty of herbal teas and water, and sometimes, coconut water. When I'm having severe inflammatory responses, I have to change my diet drastically to prevent my body from tearing itself apart. So, my body's actually well-acclimated to long stints of liquid fasts... Love me some broth and green smoothies anyway!

This most recent time that I broke my diet, I had a 2-family dinner at a friend's house. The food was amazing, but I've been regretting it all night and day... The time before that, my husband and I went on a date, and I regretted it for nearly 3 whole days... So, with the last time I broke my diet fresh in my mind, I really have NO desire whatsoever to eat anything at all, even despite my love of food and binge eating disorder.

Next week's menu has some old (modified) Darebee recipes in it:
Apple Pear
Arugula Pear Salad
Guacamole (avocado dip) on sweet potato toast
And a LOADED veggie stir fry!
 

OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 569
Today's goals:
eat at least ONE decent meal today
acquire everything on my grocery list
SURVIVE TONIGHT'S SOCIAL
take an evening walk

Today, I am feeling very depressed. I made a poor choice that negatively impacted a lot of people. I'm having a hard time letting go and forgiving myself. I will overcome this obstacle. In the meantime, I get to embrace the journey... good and bad. Right now, I'm down... working to overcome... but it won't stay like this. I will have ups to appreciate and more downs later in life. I have chosen to allow my guilt, sorrow, and despair of yesterday to bloom into my wisdom, joy, and peace of tomorrow... I just haven't figured out how to completely let go and let it happen... yet... Eventually, I'll remember how I got over myself last time I was down like this...
 

OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 569
Well, a few more scares over the weekend... My son is always so tired lately. I'm really looking forward to his cardiology appointment tomorrow.

Today's goal:
Resting... Seriously, I need it! I'm NOT getting sleep at night with this going on... When I finally do, I dream of my son dying... So, I get to choose between not sleeping or endless adrenal-filled nightmares.

I had a walk this morning and spent the day thus far snacking on trail mix... not the best choice, but when stimming includes flailing uncontrollably, choking yourself and pinching the skin on your neck, chest, and forearm, and biting your tongue and cheeks til they bleed because you're about to crack your teeth with how strong you clench your jaw... I choose my eating disorder... I'm usually pretty good at exhibiting self-control and hiding my autism from judgmental eyes, but last night, I was practically break dancing at my local grocery store... so... yeah... The stress and anxiety got to me...

So, what is happening in my world right now: My son keeps having dizzy spells, followed by a sudden stomach ache, followed by sudden tiredness that lasts several hours. My mum nearly died in the ER last night... literally while I was getting my son's heart monitored because he gave me a scare... one of my Brother-In-Laws is grieving the loss of his own father, and one of my Sister-In-Laws is undergoing brain surgery... like, right now...

Before everyone starts to think that too much stuff is happening to just one person, please keep in mind that I have a HUGE family... 11 siblings, over 50 nieces and nephews... and that's just my side... so when a lot of things happens in the family, it's not all happening to the same person... There's just a lotta family for crap to hit the fan with.

Tomorrow's goal:
For God to miraculously heal my son so he doesn't need a pacemaker at 18!
Return to my regular walking routines
Enjoy #6's first ever hosted Halloween party!
No crying, obvious stimming, raging, or other meltdowns
A good night's sleep!
 

OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 569
UPDATE: My son's appointment went well. So far, all the doctor has been able to say is that he has a VERY strong vasovagal syncope (needle goes in, lights go out) reaction. Even him going into shock didn't seem to phase the doctor's diagnosis... However, because my son has been so tired ever since, he's got three more tests to take over the next two months to rule out anything else... It looks like I'll have my boy over the holidays after all!

I survived today with minimum stress, and went for a morning walk. However, I was on my feet so much that it hurts to walk. So, I'm skipping evening walk.

Tomorrow's goals:
Rest my feet... I will try to go for a walk tomorrow morning, but with how my feet feel at the moment, I will not be able to walk much.
Restore my diet... The Halloween party threw me off, but I am fortunate to have a family of BIG eaters in my house who leave me nothing the next morning.
Wake up and go to bed on time
 

Tileenah

Well-known member
Warrior from France
Posts: 1,956
:love: :vibes: :hug:for everything you've been going through, I send you love, empathy and friendship. I hope you can rest as much as you need, that your son and your mom get better, and that you find your way through all the food problems (it's such a struggle for me, I have no advice here, but you have my full support)
 

OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 569
I was able to rest well on Wednesday, and today was spent babysitting... Wrestling with some inner demons, but overall, I think I've got a good grip on things. My son was able to go to work yesterday, and he was feeling well enough to ride his bike home from work today. So, it seems he's made a full recovery. My mum's made a decent recovery. She's feeling her age and says that things are looking like she only has a few years left. She and I are both at peace with it, though. She has been wanting to join my dad ever since he went on ahead, and I know that she's wanting to leave with her mind intact... The women in my family tend to get a little scrambled in the final decade of life.

Today:
Didn't work out, but spent 5hrs at a park with 5 children... would've been 7, but an incident resulted in 2 of them getting picked up. Baby wore all day, and I will say... the baby is big enough that when I wear him, it feels like I haven't lost a single pound! He puts the strain of 300lbs right back on me! Kid's a MONSTER! 4 months old and wearing size 18mos attire!

Tomorrow:
I'm babysitting that same baby all day, but fortunately, I've only got him and will be indoors. I will be resting off of my feet as much as possible tomorrow because the impact of wearing him today was too much for my feet and knees. Due to the fact that I will have him all day, I will consider the backbreaking task of wearing him my workout for the day... and I will likely be taking pain meds because my back is spasming like crazy right now!



studio ghibli GIF
 

OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 569
All's well again today... I've got a new goal in mind... Since I need to be able to hold the monster baby for several hours in a day for at least three days in a week and still have the capacity to function for a handful of other children, I need to lose another 30lbs... granted, by then, he'll probably be 30lbs heavier because my friend's babies are the thickest bricks I've ever seen... Time is NOT on my side... HAHAHA! I know that my feet and knees have a weight limit of 280lbs before pain happens, and this baby brings me to about 290lbs... What's more, is that tending all of his siblings requires three more bags, and I need to be strong enough to pick up a sleeping toddler and carry her up a flight of stairs when I bring them back to their mum, baby, bags, and all... As I made my trek across the minefield behind their home and up a flight of stairs to their door, everything suddenly felt very familiar, and I thought, "Ah, I remember this!" And I do! Pregnant with an infant and a toddler in each arm, trying to keep several bags on my shoulders because I was too exhausted to make a second trip down, only to realize that I hadn't shut the car door... HAHAHA!

Today is a rest day. I will have the baby with me all day, but he's easy... eat, sleep, diaper, play, repeat. Even as a teether, he's rarely fussy... Truly one of the happiest babies I've ever seen.

Tomorrow, I will be babysitting three children and doing yardwork in the morning, then resting in the afternoon. Pecan season is here! From now thru Thanksgiving, I will be harvesting pecans! Due to the hard work I will be doing around the property, I will not be working out tomorrow... Gotta do what my body's capable of, and my body's already gonna be sore from this!

I have a dream... to be light enough on my feet to not require so many resting days after strenuous work! Fortunately, even on most rest days, I am still doing some form of physical activity to care for my body... usually just some flexibility and mobility work and walking, but considering in the past there were days when I couldn't even walk or it would undo all of my mobility efforts, I'd say I'm in a pretty darn good place!

Ah, and I finally have decided to retire my unsalted, dry-roasted goodness for a time... I rely heavily on crunchy snack foods, like nuts and seeds, to prevent myself from biting my cheeks or licking my teeth too hard when I'm overanxious. While I'm still struggling with a little anxiety here and there, it looks like it's not so bad anymore that I need to be dependent on constant snacking. What's really amazing about this past stressor is that I didn't gain weight from it... I didn't lose, either, but I was really surprised that all that snacking, and my body didn't retaliate against me this time! Maybe, it's because I didn't include endless junk food in the equation... HAHAHA!
 

OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 569
Didn't get nearly enough done yesterday as needed, but managed to fill at least one big bucket with pecans... Hoping to fill all three... Still gotta fill in a pit, rake some leaves and pine needles, and lay out more tarps... At least yesterday was both fulfilling and relaxing.

Today's a rest day... It started out pretty good, but I suddenly felt like I was in labor! No, I'm not pregnant... It really knocked the wind outta me, though. Entire abdomen is tender. Just when I thought I should go to the hospital, the contractions slowed down and faded. Well, I had a good morning, and I guess, I get to enjoy a restful afternoon... Still... Was hoping to move furniture later today... I guess, I'll let myself be pampered just a little longer...

Tomorrow, I plan on getting back to my regular schedule... Morning walk with the kids, meal prep, home schooling, working out, yardwork, chores, evening walk with my husband, a little family game night... all the bare necessities of a good life!

Tonight, I am having MEATBALLS!!! I like to hide my greens into my ground beef... I'm testing to see of arugula is as good as spinach. :D But wait, there's more!!! For every child and manchild's delight: There will be cheese throughout AND mozzarella gooeyness within! Because, when you're experimenting with something that might be gross, just add cheese and it's automatically tolerated!

:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
 

OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 569
Well... my body's shot... completely useless today... On the bright side: Somebody felt a prompting that I needed some food and delivered a dinner last night... No one in my family felt like eating, though. So, it was saved for today... Lo and behold, today sucks for my body, but my kids now have food to eat while I recover. I am so grateful to be watched over in my hard times.

So, aside from a doctor's appointment (hopefully today) that I need to schedule, physical therapy and a really good massage (if I can afford it) are on today's agenda. No walks and no workouts.

Menu plan is set in stone as something I won't be worrying about... Last night's dinner has shown me that food is not my friend... so I won't try to broach the subject with my body again... *cries* My meatballs!!!

If I can't recover decently today, I can't babysit tomorrow. Either way, I won't be baby wearing if I do. Monster baby will survive not being held, but I might not survive holding him at this point... HAHAHA!

You know, a little while back, I felt overwhelmed by the harsh realities I saw all around me of the selfishness and self-centeredness of society as a whole. I had felt overwhelmed with how much neighborly kindness was needed, but at how few would answer the call to serve their fellow men... Whether they felt inadequate, didn't want to, or were simply not paying attention to their environment, it felt as though not enough people were looking out for one another. One day, my body fell apart, and I started telling people that I was struggling and needed a break to heal... I discovered the users in my life... Those who can't differentiate between "want" and "need" started bleeding me dry emotionally, and selfless service finally felt like a burden... Well, recently, I was on the receiving end of two acts of selfless service... one was that meal I mentioned earlier, but another was a financial blessing... An anonymous donor presented a decent sum of money to my husband recently in a time of financial crisis. Thanks to that person, we were able to improve upon our budget in a way that would've taken us an entire month to accomplish without help. I felt SEEN and HEARD... Someone is not only paying it forward, but paying it back. Words cannot describe how much it warms my heart to finally FEEL that there are others who take the initiative... they don't just sit idly complaining about what's wrong with the world, but try to perform some small part in making it a better place. I no longer feel alone in my quest to conquer with kindness.
 

OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 569
So, I have a tear... and that tiny little tear caused my entire body to spaz out, and that full-on spasm triggered contractions that made my body think it was in labor... I have a freakishly overreactive body... HAHAHA! I'm on bed rest until it heals because just walking around my house makes me assume the squat position. Even resting, I feel like there are snakes under the skin of my back and from out of nowhere, I suddenly become winded. So, yeah... core spasms... fun... I sincerely hope this doesn't turn me inside out... It took FOREVER to recover from that incident!

Needless to say, my focus for the rest of this week, and most likely next week as well, will be on my diet! I eat up to four small meals a day, but my life's usually so busy that I fast a lot of meals. This morning, I tried to eat some meatballs... again to no avail... So, I drank my tea and got over myself. I don't feel like eating lunch. So, I'll try to enjoy a clementine and some of my coconut chocolates for a snack and let my husband worry about feeding me dinner... I probably shouldn't put my fate in his hands because he's a carbs on carbs on carbs kinda guy... HAHAHA!

GOALS:
Read or listen daily to a talk, lecture, or devotional
Bring my children's math skills up a grade level by the end of the month
Maintain a soft, low tone when I speak, even when I am angry, frustrated, or overexcited
Adhere to my own wake-sleep schedule (I keep going to bed two hours too late and sleeping in one hour too long!)
 

OJJJEM

Well-known member
Mother of Dragons Posts: 569
Today's another rest day. Nothing much to update, since I'm not doing anything productive. HAHAHA!

Goals:
Read or listen daily to a talk, lecture, or devotional
Bring my children's math skills up a grade level by the end of the month
Maintain a soft, low tone when I speak, even when I am angry, frustrated, or overexcited
Adhere to my own wake-sleep schedule

I stayed up super late yesterday. Then, slept in today... The other goals, however, are coming along nicely... Seriously, the final goal is my hardest.

In other news... #5 left the lid to her rat's cage uncovered (good thing it's fat!), and then my kids brought my cat in... Guys, my calico is a real southern lady... real petite, big hair, talks sweet, walks like a lady, has the patience of a saint, but like any other southern lady, she knows how to hunt and will put you in your place if you piss her off... That being said... RAT IN AN OPEN CAGE!!! Rat survived, cat's back outside, and life goes on.
 
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