Author of a Thousand Fails

[Mamatigerj]

Healing thoughts & prayers!

 

[OJJJEM]

More pain today, but I can rest when I'm dead. So, I'm just gonna keep going. HAHAHA! There wasn't much I could do for my friend yesterday, and there probably won't be much I can do for her today, but every little bit counts. Back to being unable to eat again.

CURRENT GOALS:
Be home in time to say bedtime prayers with my own family.
Be ASLEEP by midnight.
Overcome the 4am "wake up" adrenal rush.
Not wake up before 6am.
Restore my kids' wake/sleep cycle.

 

[Tileenah]

 

[OJJJEM]

Pain has been diminished to great discomfort and lots of body stiffness. Swelling isn't really going down much, though.
My friend has been cleared to resume her "normal" activities... So, after this weekend, I'll only be at her home through the afternoon and early evening to help with heavy lifting. If that doctor knew what her "normal" was, he'd be more careful with his words... She's a MACHINE! I look forward to returning to some normalcy next week.
CURRENT GOALS:
Be home in time to say bedtime prayers with my own family.
Be ASLEEP by midnight.
Overcome the 4am "wake up" adrenal rush.
Not wake up before 6am.
Restore my kids' wake/sleep cycle.

While I'm no longer struggling with adrenal responses in the early morning, I still can't seem to stop waking up early... By the time I do go back to sleep, I can't seem to wake up with my alarm. I'm starting to think that maybe staying up would be better, but then I'd be even more tired throughout the day! I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually. I'm trying to get rid of an aspect of "mom-mode" that I had before my kids became teens and that had been re-awakened watching my friend's littles. I have better luck losing 150lbs, frankly, and we all know how well I've managed to accomplish that! BAHAHAHA!!!

 

[OJJJEM]

Sooo.... I'm in bed today. My feet and hip didn't want me to move today... My friend's "normal" activities did me in. HAHA! It's best, since I have a cold anyway, and probably shouldn't be around a 2-week-old... Though... I did catch my cold from that 2-week-old's siblings... I guess, he's gonna get sick whether I'm there or not... I won't be at my friend's house tomorrow, either, but next week, I'll be back in the afternoon/early evening. I'm looking forward to being present to tend to my household's mornings and evening routines again. My middle-schoolers start school this week, too. (I'm home schooling them starting this year, and it'll be year-round). I probably should've given my high-schoolers the same option, but they're still thriving. Whereas, my younger two are flopping and nearly had to repeat a grade. Time for mamma to crack the whip! Or throw a flip-flop...

CURRENT GOALS:
Be home in time to say bedtime prayers with my own family.
Be ASLEEP by midnight.
Overcome the 4am "wake up" adrenal rush.
Not wake up before 6am.
Restore my kids' wake/sleep cycle.

I got home late last night and totally ruined my kids' sleep cycle... They had to wake up extra early this morning, too... They were so tired after their trip this morning that they're ALL taking a nap! Since I'm home today, I hobbled over to the kitchen and made them some chocolate chip peanut butter cookies, which my husband had to finish for me because... hobbling. It's my sad attempt at a peace offering.

On and off the record: My kids have been amazing! I stepped away, and they stepped up! I don't have to worry about how they'll handle life on their own. They've really impressed me this time.

 

[NancyTree]

 

[JCU]

 

[Tileenah]

 

[Sólveig]

 

[Fremen]

Healing vibes

 

[OJJJEM]

So... fevers... Yesterday, last night, and early this morning... Feeling another one coming on, too... I'm not doing anything today. Didn't do anything yesterday, either. I guess, my body decided that I had pushed myself enough.

I have a new set of goals aside from improving my basic morning and evening routine.

NEW GOALS:
Pick up on my fitness routines again
Summer school my kids every morning
Breakfast and dinner with the family

This in conjunction with the old goals of maintaining a decent wake-sleep schedule and being able to pray with my family.

So, funny awkward moment from my toilet this morning... I was dozing off on my throne when I suddenly heard a majestic hawk cry, followed by about 30 seconds of dying rabbit... I was like, "Wow... I suddenly feel very vulnerable." BAHAHAHA!

 

[OJJJEM]

Finally felt half-decent yesterday. Took my kids to the library, where my youngest complained the entire time...

Today, it's trying to get back into the rhythm of things. Was gonna take them to a movie matinee, but methinks today is a good day to just get stuff done instead.

CURRENT GOALS:
Get back into a fitness routine
Summer school my kids every morning
Breakfast and dinner with the family
Maintain a decent wake-sleep schedule
Family prayers

So, methinks I've got a big bird on my property, because it's HUNGRY... It keeps hunting, and the stray cat that pesters my other three has been running into MY HOUSE... My cats literally called a truce with him over that bird. I've stomped and clapped, chased him out, and even thrown gardening tools at him, but he insists that it's safer inside with me than outside with a bird that is singlehandedly ridding the local farmers of their pest control issues. If I ever catch him, I'm stringing him up and personally feeding him to that bird... I wish it weren't an empty threat... I just REALLY can't stand a stray that I can't do anything about because another neighbor "claimed" him coming around to my house, attacking my cats, pooping in my litterboxes (my cats poop on my floor now because of him), trying to steal their food, spraying MY green room!!! One rabies shot doesn't make him yours! Snip his balls, give him regular medical care, provide him with a place where he can feel safe when he sleeps, and feed the damn thing, even if the rest of the neighborhood is feeding him, too! The only difference between this cat and other strays is a name.

 

[OJJJEM]

Woke up to a massive inflammatory response again. I wish doctors could figure out what's wrong with me. Different doctors see different pieces of the same puzzle. Doctors are looking for a horse, when I'm not even a zebra; I'm a freakin' unicorn!

(for the record, I love Fantasia!)
I'm wondering if I have the same condition that killed my dad. By the time they opened him up, his blood vessels were soft as wet tissues and his inside were fused together. Some of my symptoms are random bruises and body pain (especially in the pelvis and lower abdomen) that gets worse after eating. My dad started out like that. He eventually started bleeding out of his digestive tract and around his heart. The reality of it scares me far less than I thought it would... Probably because of how much I've already faced death in my life. I am at peace with it... Usually. Either way, I've got a couple good decades still, even if I do share his condition. In fact, seeing it in him has prepared me for the possibility of having to face it myself. So, I'm very grateful.
CURRENT GOALS
Get back into a fitness routine
Summer school my kids every morning
Breakfast and dinner with the family
Maintain a decent wake-sleep schedule
Family prayers

I haven't accomplished any of my goals this time. On a bright note: I'll be taking my kids to a matinee today to make up for yesterday, then an evening at the local botanical gardens.

I recognize that today's contemplative post is depressing for some. I apologize if I hurt the squeamish, tender-hearted, and empaths of Darebee. It is what it is, and it doesn't suck nearly so much right now as it did when I initially had to rediscover my new normal. Truthfully, I'm still drawing strength from Kanary.

 

[Fremen]

 

[JCU]

 

[TheLibrarian]

 

[Wiaaam]

 

[Anek]

 

[HellYeah]

 

[Tileenah]

 

[TopNotch]

apologize if I hurt the squeamish, tender-hearted, and empaths of Darebee.

Sometimes you just gotta say what you gotta say. Lucky for me, I am almost completely devoid of empathy so I know you're not apologizing to me! Still, I do try and I like to see that you still have aims and a pretty positive attitude. So

 

[OJJJEM]

Got another busy day today that my body is not equipped to handle. I want to rest, but too many people rely on me today. I'm burning out again. I can rest the day after tomorrow. It's just a matter of endurance until then.... wait! Can't rest then, either.

CURRENT GOALS
Get back into a fitness routine
Summer school my kids every morning
Breakfast and dinner with the family
Maintain a decent wake-sleep schedule
Family prayers

I desperately need some free time to sit back and evaluate my life. I can't keep going like this, but I don't even have time to breathe deep, let alone pace myself. I recognize that I am in a slump... I simply feel overburdened right now (and if I'm gonna be real w/y'all, a little depressed). I will overcome it. In the meantime, it's the pits. Watched Encanto at the matinee with my kids yesterday and realized that I'm LITERALLY Luisa... My body's falling apart, but I'm still expected to physically and mentally carry others' heavy burdens. It's better than it was as a kid... When my family gave me all the hard tasks and said whatever they wanted to my face because I was the "family retard" and apparently it all would roll off my back like "water under the bridge". Better treatment, same expectations. HAHAHA! I remember one time, when my siblings stacked 200lbs of wheat in my arms because they didn't each want to carry a box, and they went and played while I trekked up the steps to bring the into the house, blinded by the massive stack in front of me... It's really a miracle I didn't trip. Why did I do it? Because I also knew who the scapegoat would be if I didn't. Explains why I could go on forever doing 50lb curls by the time I became a body builder. I guess, I can be "the strong one" a little longer. The life I grew up with prepared me for the life I have now. I'm just... tired of breaking!

 

[OJJJEM]

I like to see that you still have aims and a pretty positive attitude.

Then I need to apologize for my most recent post, because my attitude right now kinda mirrors how tired I am. Thanks, though. I'm truly grateful.

 

[Tileenah]

Then I need to apologize for my most recent post, because my attitude right now kinda mirrors how tired I am. Thanks, though. I'm truly grateful.

You don't have to apologize about anything or to anyone. This is your thread and I read no insults in it. It's okay to feel depressed and tired, everybody does at some point no matter how strong a front they show. And there are no vacations when you have a family to care for.
I send you lots of love and empathy, and hope you'll find a breather somewhere, somehow, without having to hit the breaking point.

 

[JCU]

 

[GentleOx]

Do take time for yourself, if you can.

May the road ahead be smoother

 

[OJJJEM]

UPDATE: Well... I got my rest... bed rest... I hit a breaking point not long after my past post. My leg stopped working... The swelling in my pelvic tendons and ligaments simply got that bad. Hopefully, it won't be a full year again.

I don't feel guilty saying this. I actually feel relieved! It's probably a bad thing that I do, but in a strange way, this is an answer to a prayer.

 

[JCU]

 

[Tileenah]

 

[Anek]

 

[lofivelcro]

Aw, I wish I had something profund to say. I'm glad that you're still here, though. Very glad even.

 

[OJJJEM]

Aw, I wish I had something profund to say. I'm glad that you're still here, though. Very glad even.

Happy to see you back. <3

 

[TopNotch]

There is no shame in saying NO. There is, indeed, strength there. If you wish to be available to other people to help them in their time of need, first you have to look after yourself so that you're in a position to do so. Second, they have to recognise that you also have needs. You're of no use to anyone, least of all yourself, if you disintegrate. It's not selfishness. Think of the warnings they have on aeroplanes - in the event that the oxygen masks drop down, you fix your own on first. And then, and only then, do you help others.
Put on your oxygen mask.

 

[Mamatigerj]

 

[OJJJEM]

So, shifting my focus to my diet and some basic stretches. Today, I fasted. So, nothing to report concerning diet. Yesterday, I drank a lot of coconut water, had a salad, and a clementine... that was all. Stretching includes knees side to side, bringing my ankle to the opposite thigh and hugging my knee, and holding my foot behind my buttock. When I get up to use the restroom, I take the time to stand with my butt to the wall for balance support and bending down to stretch my legs and back.
Fortunately, it's only my already crippled leg that's keeping me from full function this time, and not my entire pelvis, and I caught it before all the muscles in my abdomen tried compensating to the point of spasming like the last time, which had literally split me open... That was a nasty hernia...

NEW GOALS:
No inflammatory foods
Intermittent fasting
AM stretches
PM stretches
Overwhelm my kids with homework

 

[Tileenah]

you're going through so much... I hope the diet will help...

 

[OJJJEM]

My friend came to visit me yesterday, and my "hostess" hat came on... I tried really hard not to get up, but she's like me, and can't help herself but to go out and be there for others when she knows she should be resting. HAHAHA! No regrets, but I'm feeling it today. On a bright note: Our daughters made cupcakes together from scratch. So, guess what I'm eating for breakfast! They were kind enough to leave me a couple of unfrosted ones. I love the cupcakes they make because she uses hand-milled whole grain flour and turbinado sugar. They were strawberry cupcakes. So, fresh strawberries went into them. My daughter said they tasted like REALLY delicious muffins. Can't wait to try one!

GOALS FOR 2 JULY 2023:
No inflammatory foods
Intermittent fasting
AM stretches
PM stretches
Overwhelm my kids with homework It'll take a while before I reach this goal... My two youngest don't even know how to write a proper sentence, let alone a paragraph!

So, I gave my middle schoolers an assignment that I knew they would struggle with for the purpose of getting a whole view of what they are capable of. I even told them that it's ok if they don't know what to do because the purpose of the assignment was to see what they already know and what they don't yet know, and to just follow the instructions to the best of their abilities. It was to read a small chapter book and turn in a small report by the end of the week. I told them to give me one paragraph summarizing the book, one stating what they liked about it, one stating what they didn't like about it, and if they were feeling confident, a concluding paragraph stating their overall view of the book. My older kid's handwriting was fantastic. Neat and tidy. Decent punctuation and spelling, for the most part. However, she had only two paragraphs, one being only a list of characters (everyone in that book and their pets!). Her second paragraph was a perfect paraphrase of what happened in the book, though. My youngest was an endless essay of run-on sentences that I could hardly read. No capitalization and punctuation. Spelling sucked, sloppy handwriting, and 6 full detailed paragraphs of what caught her attention in the story with absolutely NO STRUCTURE... The lack of focus in her ADHD mind was prevalent in every sentence... or what I think is a sentence... It's hard to tell.

 

[OJJJEM]

So... #3 loved making cupcakes so much that she made a cake yesterday... and gave it way too much UBER rich and dense buttercream frosting... and enough food dye to paint a horse... And then she wanted to give me the BIGGEST piece... all proud of herself... I thanked her and said that I would eat it for breakfast this morning instead... Looking at it, I already feel sick... I don't think my family understands what dietary restrictions are...

3 JULY 2023
No inflammatory foods I ate a cupcake for breakfast, and my children later brought me some fried perogies for a snack (funny, because I was craving them just as they were brought to me... I have no regrets)
Intermittent fasting Perogies cut my fast short.
AM stretches
PM stretches
Overwhelm my kids with homework Not yet, but it's getting there... at least, from the ELA front.

So, had a bite of cake while typing this out and gave the rest to my husband... Who came back with THREE LOADED EGG SANDWICHES... So, yeah... I'm just gonna sit here sipping tea... tea is good... tea is my friend... HAHAHA!

 

[Mamatigerj]

Tea IS good!

 

[lofivelcro]

Pierogi! I love them! We used to make them by the hundreds when I was a child.
And I'm a bit afraid of the checkpoint for "overwhelming kids with homework". That scares me.

 

[OJJJEM]

And I'm a bit afraid of the checkpoint for "overwhelming kids with homework". That scares me.

It's challenging my kids' academics at grade level or higher. Right now, I'm only assigning them a small chapter book of their choice followed by a 3-4 paragraph book report, to be turned in at the end of the week, every week, and a weekly 50-word sight word list (all elementary level words) to memorize and practice neat handwriting. Since they don't know "they're, there, their", "your, you're", "are, our", etc., and their spelling downright sucks, I'm making it a point to drag their butts back to elementary school and drilling them the basics this summer.

 

[OJJJEM]

Yesterday was relatively uneventful for me... #2 got a job, my family assisted my friend's family preparing their rental property, and my friend cooked hamburgers for my family to thank them. Then, my kids set off fireworks in the backyard unsupervised because my husband wanted to play MTG online... For me, the most eventful thing that happened was receiving a top quality burger made of sirloin mince and topped with mustard and garden-fresh veggies and getting pissed at my husband for leaving the fireworks in the hands of a 12yr old and not monitoring them, to which he replied, "It's ok, [#3] is there!" #3 is only 16 years old! How on earth did that man get his eagle? I bet his mom helped him, cause dude shrugs off preparedness like an autistic kid being hugged.

4 July 2023
No inflammatory foods Choked down a bite of #3's cake, and even if I made exceptions for the beef, those buns are definitely NOT anti-inflammatory
Intermittent fasting
AM stretches
PM stretches
Overwhelm my kids with homework Not yet, but I am seeing some improvement in penmanship

I am loving my new tea! I've grown fond of "The Republic of Tea" herbal blends, and the thing that endears me to most to them is their canisters... I like to reuse them for homemade holiday goodie gifts.

 

[lofivelcro]

Oh, in that case, overwhelming with homework sounds helpful. Carry on, then

 

[OJJJEM]

Rest seems to be working a lot faster this time around than last time... Of course, last time, my body had literally broken apart and split open at the seams... I caught myself early when my leg gave way to the pain, rather than truckin' through spasms. I'm hoping on a shorter healing time. I was able to walk about the house briefly PAIN FREE... for about a minute or so... but still, my first day not hobbling to the bathroom in pain! I'll take it! Baby steps!

5 JULY 2023
No inflammatory foods
Intermittent fasting
AM stretches
PM stretches
Overwhelm my kids with homework Slow and steady better win the race because those girls are in constant need of prompt to do their work!

I've been trying really hard to do everything I can to curb my appetite while on bed rest. Down side: I've begun having dizzy spells in the morning and mid-afternoon. Up side: I'm in less pain, and I've stopped feeling sick to my stomach from laying stagnant after meals.

There's not much I can think to do about my dizzy spells right now... I'm sure I'll figure something out...

 

[Mamatigerj]

Continued healing thoughts and prayers

 

[NancyTree]

I hope you'll feel better soon

 

[TakingBabyStepsBack]

Sending your way. I'm sorry that you're going through all of this.

 

[OJJJEM]

Woke up this morning with swollen lymph nodes again... Left rib and right hip hurt a lot... Massaging it out feels like jabbing a bruise over and over again. One step forward, and two steps back. On a bright note: I seem to be losing weight... my wrists feel a little thinner... granted, stagnancy and starvation will do that to ya! HAHAHA!

6 July 2023
No inflammatory foods
Intermittent fasting
AM stretches
PM stretches
Overwhelm my kids with homework

Since it looks like I'll at least be on partial bed rest next week (if only I could be so lucky), I've decided to increase my fitness routine to include more stretches and mobility workouts that I can do from my bed. What I've got so far is good for short-term care, but isn't gonna cut it in the long run.

I seem to still be battling depression, but it feels like the curtain's lifting a little bit. At least, I'm sleeping less... One thing depression does to me is making it near impossible to want to stay awake. I guess, my mind is ready to face its reality a little more. Though, September can't come soon enough... I need a diagnosis already!

 

[Tileenah]

 

[OJJJEM]

Thought I'd try a little walking and see how my leg handles things... I did relatively well, but I'm feeling that my walk may have undone some of my efforts... So, back in bed for a little while... I'll try again in 2 weeks.

7 July 2023
No inflammatory foods
Intermittent fasting
AM stretches
PM stretches
Overwhelm my kids with homework

Next week, I will be able to officially register my "school" and send in my notice of intent. My fifth seems to be thriving currently with the simple system that I have in place, but my youngest will prove to be more of an academic challenge... #5 was always behavioral to begin with... #6 seriously doesn't seem to have learned anything since Covid, though!