The Forever Journey

Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 473
"Hello"
It's crazy how unaware I was (and still am!) about how much stress impacts my eating habits. I binged after finding out that I can't move. I kept feeling antsy and an insatiable hunger. I didn't understand where it was coming from. It didn't feel fair, that I'd finally gotten back on track and then this hit me "out of nowhere".
Then I looked in this thread, read over my last post, and realized, oh. Oh. That's why. This is an emotional drive; I'm feeling so "ravenous" because I'm so upset over not being able to move out.

This knowledge doesn't make it easier though. It still feels incredibly difficult to stop myself. I went to the gym, hoping that that would be better for me to release my stress, but I had no energy. I had built up this fantasy in my head of going for 4 miles on the treadmill, but getting one mile in was really tough. I had to fight so hard to manage it. It felt so tiring and difficult. I never got that giant surge of energy that I love to feel. I tried switching to the bike, but again I just felt very blah and couldn't get myself to do more. I don't know if this is from stress or from my body needing rest from exercise, or a combination of both. But I'm not feeling great. I left the gym feeling disappointed and frustrated.

I can't believe how much stuff I've delt with this year already, and we're only in the middle of February. On one hand, if things stop stressing me out, I'm confident I'll do really well. On the other hand, I have this fear that the rest of the year is going to be non-stop stress, and that everything I've worked for until now will be for naught. I just have to keep reminding myself of my mantra to "give myself the best shot of happiness that I can".

• AoS - Day 25 complete (level 3, 16 reps)

• Treadmill - 1 mile
• Exercise bike - 1 mile
• Leg press - 12x4 (100 pounds)

Weight: 253.4
 
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Tileenah

Tileenah

Well-known member
Warrior from France
Posts: 1,963
I feel for you... This must have been a huge disappointment. Even if you were tired and in a bad place you still went working out and that's huge!
And I think it's good you found out why you were stressed, because at least now you can have empathy for what you're going through (and it's been a lot, between the sicknesses, the not being able to sleep and the cancelled moving...) Of course it doesn't change the situation but maybe understanding it will help you see things that will help you heal more adequately? A little bit like when you're driving and suddenly the warning lights for gas goes on : you will be much more aware than before of the gas stations while driving...
We'll be here to support you and give you our sympathy :hug:
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 473
"Hello"
I'm. Losing. It.

The mother visited briefly a couple days ago, and briefly a few days before that. She is here again now. First thing she says when she gets in? "Isn't that your bowl full of water?" (She is talking to her daughter, referring to my bowl that I used for my cat to drink out of).

NO. That is not your daughter's bowl. That is my bowl.

"Isn't that the tea I bought?" She asks, referring to MY opened packet of tea.

"The cat is on the counter! He's on the fridge. Y'all let him do that? Aw nah, I'm getting him down from there" and goes and picks my cat up and takes him off the refrigerator.

If I've already asked both of my roommates if they are fine with my cat doing this and they've both said it's okay, then who are you to think you get to decide what my cat can and can't do IN MY APARTMENT? YOU DON'T LIVE HERE!

She said she's going to stay for 3 nights. I don't know if that's starting tonight or in a few days, but I am livid. I am beyond livid. I am having extremely bad thoughts right now. I am in a very dark place and I am about to lose it. She has been here for 10 minutes and that is already too much. I'm getting so stressed out hearing her yelling on the phone ALREADY. Her dumb dog already barking because he's upset by her yelling so much. I hate this so so so so so so so much.
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 473
"Hello"
Montserrat said:
This really doesn't sound fun at all. Can you try and talk to your roommate about it once more?
Click to expand...

It's past that point. I went straight to the apartment complex this time - not that I have high hopes in them taking care of it soon. She has moved a mattress into the living room, meaning apparently today is the start of her 3-day loophole...Where apparently they are planning to have her stay 3 nights in a row, then leave one night, then stay for 3 nights again, or whatever BS stuff they came up with.

I feel like I've gone full-blown Karen on the apartment complex here, but holy moly, it genuinely feels like torture when she's around. I get so distressed from her behavior and it makes me want to go in my car and drive myself off a cliff.

Thank GOODNESS for my friend who will let me stay at his house again tonight. I owe him a fancy dinner for this. (Fancy by poor people standards, at least.)

On a petty note - She was sleeping, and I was naturally being quiet as to not wake her up. Then I realized, she's never once respected my need to sleep, even when I politely asked her if she could be quieter. At two in the morning. Numerous times. And she didn't.

So I opened my door and blasted heavy metal again. I may shop for an airhorn soon. I will go to the ultimate levels of petty for the sake of my own sanity. (Also, she assured me she's not homeless, so she REALLY has no reason to be staying here.)

• AoS - Day 28 complete (lvl 3, 14 reps)

Weight: 253
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 473
"Hello"
Oh man this is just a diary at this point!

But I have good news. Really good news.

I haven't felt genuine, healthy love for almost two years. I had a really bad incident happen two years ago that made me spiral downward. I've felt pretty bummed for a long time about my inability to feel love.

My friend...He showed me such genuine care today. We had a good conversation, and when the conversation ended, he went to his room and I felt it. Like lightening.
Platonic love. I've finally unlocked it. I'm finally able to feel it again.

I feel so at peace in his apartment. I feel safe here. I don't feel safe at my apartment - I don't think I did even before my roommate's mother first arrived.

I treasure what I am feeling now. I yearn to one day have this be my norm...Being able to just be at peace. To have my worries disappear. To be content. And to be able to feel love. I've been broken for so long that I had forgotten what genuine love feels like. It's a wonderful feeling. I appreciate it.
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 473
"Hello"
Daily rambling (mostly good rambling this time!)

I'm emotional just thinking about this, but...I've been having nightmares every single night since January 17th (the day my mom lost my car). Even before that date, I wasn't having good dreams, I was having neutral ones and some bad ones. It's been over a month since I haven't had a nightmare, but the last time I had a genuinely good dream? Can't remember.

Until last night. Last night was the first time since Jan 17th that I didn't have a nightmare. I even had a good dream. Myself and others in the dream were actually happy, smiling, laughing, having fun. It was so relieving to have the peace and comfort I felt at my friend's house also translate into my dreams too. This just motivates me even more to do whatever I can to get enough money to live alone - with no possibility of having a cruddy roommate. I feel energized today. The dirtiness of the apartment isn't penetrating me so hard anymore - I know this won't last forever. 6 more months at most. That's a long time, but it will end one day.

I do try to believe in thinking that even the worst of things can lead to goodness. If this woman had never been such a pain to be around, I never would've stayed the night at my friend's house, we never would've had that good conversation which sparked my platonic love for him, and I would likely still have had a nightmare. I'll think of this whole situation as a blessing in disguise.

(Though she is yelling as I'm typing this...)


• AoS - Day 29 complete (26 reps)

Morning gym time to avoid the yelling woman:

• Stair machine - 21 floors (18 minutes)
• Leg press - 14x4 (110 pounds)

• Chest press - 12x4 (55 pounds) - Very difficult at this weight. First two sets were 60 pounds, but had to take off 5. Didn't really help lol. But this makes me super excited for when I can do 60 pounds easily one day!

• Lateral raises - 10x3 (5 pounds) - First set was 11 pounds but again had to decrease because it was tough XD

• Treadmill 1 - 1.35 miles (30 minutes). Average HR: 174. Max speed: 3.9mph!!! WOOOOOO :D
• Treadmill 2 - 1.26 miles (30 minutes). Average HR: 179

Weight: 253 - Come on body, work with me here! Go below 250! GO BELOW 250!!
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 473
"Hello"
The oral surgeon sent me a text today saying someone cancelled their appointment. So I was able to get my wisdom teeth taken out today instead of having to wait longer! I'm so so glad, finally got those bad boys out. Apparently I had 4 wisdom teeth - no idea. Thought I only had 2-3! Everything is turning around for me at once!! :epicdance:

• AoS - Day 30 complete!
4th time completing AoS! I definitely notice a difference between this time vs the first time!

• Lateral raises (5 pounds) - Seems I need to adjust my reps. I did two sets of 13, but on the third set, I could only do 11 (so to failure)

• NEAT Walking - 1 mile (to grocery store)

Weight: 250 - Okay, now my body is just taunting me! It's 250 on the *dot!* Not 249.9, not 250.1. My body and my scale really said "Ha, take the closest number humanly possible to not being under 250 that you can be!"

Maybe tomorrow, lol.
 
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Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 473
"Hello"
Mianevem said:
Congrats on the fourth round of AoS! :welcome:

And did you get all four of your wisdom teeth removed at the same time? :saywhat:
Click to expand...

Thank you!

Yep, I did get all 4 taken out at once. It went really well - only 45 minutes (the quickest they estimate for this kind of thing). No one mentioned any complications to me. So seems like they all came out pretty easily. I'm not in any pain either, just mild discomfort and a couple bruises near by mouth (which they sad is normal). I'm soo happy :LOL:
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 473
"Hello"
AHHH I NEED TO GO HIKING SOON! I keep planning on it, but then things happen (80% of it is the weather). It's been 2.5 weeks since I last hiked!!! not pog!!

Anyway

• Easy Arms - Day 1 complete
• The Guardian - Day 1 complete (instantly decided to drop this though because I found this incredibly boring)
• Roamer (lvl 2 + EC) - This one is so much more fun to me because of the variety. Also, my physical therapist wanted me to do twists at home anyway, so it's two birds with one stone!

Weight: 249.3 - Aboot time! But I'm pre-annoyed knowing that a weight fluctuation is going to take me back to 250< soon XDD

I had anticipated 260 being the number that made me happiest to get under, but my mood was really horrible when I finally got that goal. My mood today has wildly improved, so I feel SUPER excited to reach this milestone! I feel so relieved, like I'm really doing well. I'm just happy, guys!! Lol. When I joined Darebee in April of 2022, I was 290 pounds. I've lost 40 pounds since then!

I FEEL LIKE DANCING!

:epicdance::epicdance::epicdance::epicdance::epicdance:
:fireworks:​
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 473
"Hello"
The apartment lied to me again. Turns out they're not evicting my roommate. She was being loud and obnoxious tonight, so I went to the gym despite my knee hurting. I actually went to a new gym, Crunch Fitness, signing up for a one week trial, because it was too late to go to my regular gym.

I went to my apartment gym afterwards to have a second round on the treadmill after some rest, but neither treadmill was working. Guess the outlet they're both on has fizzled. (Weather related?) This was a bummer to me.

I'm brooding now over my roommate lol. She had the TV on really loud, so I went into the living room, asked "T?"
Then she looked at me. I said "Can you turn it down a bit?"
Then she looked away and turned the TV up.
I was about 5 seconds from opening up the airhorn I bought, but I decided that I should go to the gym instead and only use the airhorn if she's still blasting the TV when I got back. Man, one of these days I'm seriously going to do it, I'm just going to hecking go in there and blast the airhorn right next to her. I fantasize that it'd make her so annoyed that she'd go back into her room (WHERE SHE HAS A TV ALREADY) to watch her shows in there instead, and finally she would stop being loud in the living room at night, but idk, I feel like maybe it wouldn't work out so smoothly...
Either way, I don't think I can take 6 more months of this, I'm much more likely to just drive off a cliff before then. (This is mostly a joke, don't get too concerned.)


For 2/25

• Easy arms - Day 2 complete

• Lateral raises through the day
• Random unproductive amount of bicep curls throughout day
• Treadmill - 2.87 miles (1 hour)
• Stair machine - 18 floors (10 minutes)
• Exercise bike - 2 miles
• Leg press - 13x3 (140 pounds)
• Leg curl - 10x3 (70 pounds)

• Chest press - 12x2 (50 pounds) - Nightmare trying to figure this machine out at Crunch. I actually got over my anxiety and asked a guy for help adjusting it, but he seemed annoyed and didn't really explain well it to me, so I still didn't know how to adjust the arms. Oh well

Weight: 253.5 - Didn't track my calories today, guess I underestimated how much I ate. At least I didn't binge lol
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 473
"Hello"
Tileenah said:
:hug: your roommate seems like a real pain... Congrats on taking your anger to the gym and doing something good for your body. I'm curious though, did you blow the airhorn when you got back ?
Click to expand...

Nope, because she had gone back to her room. Funny thing...I had to scrape ice off my car first, and then I realized I left my water bottle inside. So I went back inside. This was 20 minutes after I first left (it was thicc ice). She was already back in her room by then. I'm very dubious and wonder if she was watching TV in the living room on purpose because she knew I was home, but maybe that's a stretch. Odd timing. Still decided to go to the gym since I was already geared up.
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 473
"Hello"
She turned the TV back on at 1:30am

Went out there, asked Politely if she can turn it down. She said no.

So I brought out the air horn. Nothing happened. So I got the second remote and we had a battle of turning on and off the TV. Until she told me she's going to throw hands if I turn it off again.

I turned it off again and she threw a drink on me. I recorded this. If the apartment doesn't evict her after I send them this video then I'm at my wit's end as I can't afford a lawyer. (I called the cops but they sais the argument was petty and they can't do anything about noise complaints unless it's from a neighbor)

Some kind neighbors saw me crying in my car and invited me to sleep at their house tonight. They are kind.
 
oneironaut

oneironaut

Well-known member
Alchemist from Astral Sea
Posts: 90
"Are you dreaming?"
I'm really sorry you're dealing with these things. Not feeling safe at home is awful and I've never dealt with someone that has the audacity to be that rude.

This sounds a lot like my life before things started to really turn around. I realized that I hadn't advocated for my own needs well and as a result was being harmed and preyed on by some really unsavory people. It took too much of that to realize that no one was coming to save me and I had to transform myself. What worked for me was training my body and mind like a soldier during some awful moments in life. A little while after building up some muscle, I had a situation where I moved somewhere I thought was safer only to learn it was worse than where I'd left. Had to move out over a weekend after police showed up for a welfare check of my housemate that was, to summarize, not in good standing with the community and not doing my mental health any good. Thankfully, because I'd been going to the gym (at 4am and going to bed at 8pm to avoid him entirely), I was able to rent a truck Sat morning and move everything I had into the truck before sunset. Life still sucked pretty hard for a while but that moment was another turning point where I grabbed some of my life back. Things are SO much better now and the psychic vampires in my life either disappeared or have agreed to respect my newly asserted boundaries (family lol).

I think you've turned the corner already so please hang on and keep fighting. The work you're putting in now will help repel people like your housemate in the future and will help clear a path to a life that might be so awesome it's hard to even fathom. Keep fighting as long as it takes.
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 473
"Hello"
@oneironaut Your post made me cry. I've been wishing to disappear from the world because of this issue. I try to think about how this situation isn't forever, in the worst case scenario, it's only another 6 months of my life. What is 6 months of my life if I may live to be 50? 60? 80?
But then I think about how I can't stand 6 more months of this. How I would so much rather just not be on Earth than to put up with this for 6 more months. 6 more months of nightmares, 6 more months of stress, 6 more months of never sleeping, 6 more months of being on edge and angry. And what if things don't improve after those 6 months? What if I get another bad roommate or noisy neighbors?

I don't think I ever said this in here because I felt shame for it, but I am on disability. I am also a student and training for a part time job. My disability comes with insurance that pays for 100% of my health issues. I'm still going to the doctor and trying to get this stuff figured out. If I got a full-time job to try to pay for a one-bedroom apartment, I would lose my health insurance. The cost of all my medicine, my frequent doctor visits, and all the tests I need to get done, would mean I'd be even poorer than if I stayed on disability. Unless I could somehow get new health insurance that also covers 100% of everything like the disability one does. I need to look into that. But then I still think, what if I get a one-bedroom and still have noisy neighbors?! I would need a house to ensure silence. And how am I going to afford a house?! That's not even considering what if my illness gets worse or I have an episode on a day I'm supposed to work, and what if I get fired...

Maybe I just need to bite the bullet, drop out of college, go get two full-time jobs, say "screw it" to my medicine and going to the doctor, and just work hard every day. I think suffering from pain from my illnesses is better than putting up with this. I'd at least be working for myself to get into a better situation instead of having to sit here each day and brood and be angry and struggle to do my homework and my online training. I genuinely fantasized about being homeless last night because that sounded more peaceful to me than my current situation. (Though I know I would not still be saying that if it were reality).

I'll try to remember your words "please hang on and keep fighting". The thought crossed my mind just now to take a break from exercise, but that's just me wanting to shut down. I'll keep exercising daily even if it's only the easy arms program. At least that's one thing I can keep doing no matter how hard it gets.
 
oneironaut

oneironaut

Well-known member
Alchemist from Astral Sea
Posts: 90
"Are you dreaming?"
I feel bad for stirring up emotions especially as someone that's not fully familiar with your life situation but have one final thought. Even if you can't see any way out right now, situations will change eventually and new opportunities may present themselves out of nowhere. If you're already fighting when those things happen you'll be ready to rock. It's really hard to keep pushing when it's so dark but important. You've objectively got a lot to sort out but persistence and faith in yourself can completely change reality. 🥊
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 473
"Hello"
Easy arms - day 5 complete

I was not going to exercise today - I had fallen asleep at around 3am, and my roommate woke me up at 10am. I showered, then went to the library. Then a friend wanted to hang out, so we hung out a bit, then I went back to the library. When the library closed, I went to a shelter.

I forgot to exercise before leaving this morning. Oh well. Decided my streak had to end someday, and that staying in a shelter was a pretty good freaking reason to miss a day.

But with thirty minutes left til midnight, I decided what the heck, I'll just do this small exercise right here in front of 50 people.

Streak not broken today!

I emailed an attorney this morning. My college offers this for...free, question mark? Hope that gets me somewhere. The apartment complex ignored my email about my roommate threatening to beat the **** out of me and throwing a drink on me.
 
lofivelcro

lofivelcro

Well-known member
Hunter from the sticks
Posts: 593
"Tomorrow do thy worst, for I have lived today"
I hope it's the better kind of shelter. Kudos for working out there. Maybe you can crash on somebody's couch if the shelter doesn't work out and you can't find help at short notice. Maybe something church-related? I didn't have good experience with them in a very loosely similar situation, but maybe it's different where you live.
That's a lot of maybes, but I keep my fingers crossed that the situation gets better soon.
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 473
"Hello"
The shelter went pretty much as you would expect. This one guy kept persistently hitting on me. But no one stole from me or touched me. Emotionally, I felt better while at the shelter, but I only slept for 20 minutes during the 10 hours I was there. Sleeping on the ground with a thin pillow ain't for me it seems. @lofivelcro I'll look into contacting a church <3

I have more friends who would let me sleep on their couches, but I don't want to keep asking people for that. I've already spent 6 nights on people's couches in the past month.

Legal aid told me they can't help me because my roommate is a student at my college too. Conflict of interest. But they still offered me an appointment. So I'll see if they can help me with getting my transfer fees waived. That way it only concerns the apartment complex and me, and my roommate doesn't have to be involved. Hope that works. If not, they offered me resources to other attorneys which I would likely have to pay for, but if it's only a couple hundred dollars, then I'd gladly dip into student loans to pay for it.

Debating setting up a GoFundMe for the $960 it'd cost to transfer if the fees don't get waived, but that's the absolute last thing I want to do. Only if I exploit every other option available first.
 
Fitato

Fitato

Well-known member
Mystic from Kansas
Posts: 473
"Hello"
For 3/1

Learned a lesson today - Taco Bell is not a good pre-gym meal. I randomly had a strong craving for Taco Bell. I haven't had Taco Bell in a long time. Since I'd eaten nothing else for the day, I decided to pack my entire day's calories into a single Taco Bell sitting. So I ate 1800 calories of Taco Bell at once. And then went to the gym.

The results were crazy. On the stair machine, my heart rate rarely goes above 155. I've never reached 175 on the stair machine before, not even at level 3 for several minutes. This time, my heart rate was at 165 on level 1!! My heart rate went to 183 when I was on level 3 for less than a minute!!! I was sweating like crazy and my heart rate was 170+ for most of the workout (my heart rate is usually in the 150's on this machine). I felt so out of breath.

Then I went to the chest press. No change from normal here.

Went to the treadmill, and oh boy. My heart rate was already 170 the second I got on it. (It's usually around 140 when I get to this treadmill, since I try to always do the stair machine and chest press first). I kept my pace slow and it finally got down to 165, but that was insanely high for the speed I was on (2.3mph). And I just felt like crap. I only did half a mile and then left the gym. I just felt sooo off and had no energy.

I'm confident that at least 70% of this was because of Taco Bell, and maybe 30% of it is because I hadn't gone to the gym in a week? But like, even the first time I ever used the stair machine, my heart rate did not get nearly as high as it got today!


• Easy arms - Day 7 complete

• Stair machine - 18 floors (15 minutes)
• Treadmill - 0.5 miles

• Chest press - 12x4 (60 pounds)
• Lateral raises - 11x3 (5 pounds)

Weight: 249.4


NON-SCALE VICTORIES

• A shirt that I had gotten too fat for now fits me
• A jacket that I previously couldn't zip up, I can now zip up
• My black jeans now being to fall down if I move too suddenly and I constantly have to hold them in place :( ...Yay?
• My shoulders are POPPIN'

Arm progress pic - HOLD ON WAIT I HADN'T COMPARED THEM UNTIL WRITING THIS AND OMG IT'S NOT IN MY HEAD MY SHOULDERS ARE VERY DIFFERENT NOW WHAT THE HECK
THANK YOU CHEST PRESS
THANK YOU LATERAL RAISE
THANK YOU DAREBEE!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
AH??!?!??!?!?!?!!!!!!!!

MY BIRTH MARK MOVED LOL


April 2nd, 2022
Weight: 290
april-second-flip-jpg.1028


~

February 2nd, 2023
Weight: 260

feb-second-jpg.1029


~

March 2nd, 2023
Weight: 249
IMG_20230302_020122508.jpg



brooooooooooooooooooooo
 
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