To Forge an Ironmaiden...

Syrius

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"Energy and persistence conquers all things. -Benjamin Franklin"
I'm not particularly good at writing fight scenes, I think. They happen so fast in my head that it's impossible to see the details. Often I have to logically think what follows next.
Sometimes, I have to actually move through them, thinking about what move would come next. Fight scenes are both really fun to write because the excitement of the battle, but so difficult at the same time.

I love hearing about your writing, it makes me want to write more.
 

Nevetharine

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Sometimes, I have to actually move through them, thinking about what move would come next. Fight scenes are both really fun to write because the excitement of the battle, but so difficult at the same time.

I love hearing about your writing, it makes me want to write more.

This reminds me of what I do with dialogue! I have to actually act out the dialogue sometimes in order to get it right.

Which looks like me talking to and answering myself, pulling faces, flailing fists sometimes.

Looney, yes.

Thank you so much!
 

Nevetharine

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I remember a scene in Supernatural where Crowley had re-jigged Hell and all the souls were standing in an enormous slowly-moving queue and when they finally got to the front of the line, they had to go back to the end and start all over again. Now that would indeed be Hell!
I experienced this particular kind of hell in town today. :roadkill:

Man, I hate going shopping on days like this.

Well, I hate shopping in general, because it requires me to leave my cave and see other homo-sapiens. :scroll:

But my hubby bought me a dress, which had to be exchanged because it was too big.

And then I had to buy pajamas for my grandfather because he might be going to the hospital sometime next week. I tried three stores, couldn't find anything. And stood waiting forever to just ask the person if they have any in stock, only to receive a 'no'.

Then I had to get his monthly prescriptions which, thankfully, was quick and simple. But now I have to go back on Monday because they only had 3 of his insulin units. He needs 5. :giveup:

And worst of all, I had to go to the grocery store. NIGHTMARE. HELL. OBLIVION. People standing all the way into the aisles to pay.

There are eleven pay points, and only 3 of them manned. (?!) :smash:

Then this lady at the front of the line I'm waiting in, sees her card is not working. But does she move on? Nope, she keeps the whole line waiting for literally half an hour. Management is nowhere in sight.

I wait at the deli to buy bread. Does anyone serve me? Nope. They are chatting in the corner.

And I'm not the type of person to just yell, "Excuse me!" No sir, Leana will suffer and suffer because she hates conflict and will avoid it at any cost. :shiver:

So I turned around, gathered the rest of the stuff, then tried again. I was served AFTER she finished telling her story to her friend.

All in all, I spent about 45min just waiting in line, with people buzzing around me like hornets. I am purposely not using bees, because bees are nice and I love them. Hornets are nasty, have no manners, and attack if even you're not a threat. :surrender:

And last night I made curry, which was way too spicy. This morning, and in the middle of the night, I wake up with my stomach BURNING like crazy.

But I'm not sure if that's because of the spice, or stress, or even just hunger. But it scared me a little since I've had an ulcer previously.

In the night I got up to eat yoghurt. In the store, I bought a packet of salted peanuts and raisins just to give my stomach something to burn through that isn't it's own lining.

I may finally be awakening that dragon breath of mine. It starts in the belly, doesn't it? Doesn't it?? :onfire:

Anyhoo, I'll be taking some cayenne pepper for my stomach. Sounds counterintuitive but it works to rebuild the lining. It just kind of sucks when you have to drink it down with water.

I need some chill time now!
 

aku-chan

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I wait at the deli to buy bread. Does anyone serve me? Nope. They are chatting in the corner.

And I'm not the type of person to just yell, "Excuse me!" No sir, Leana will suffer and suffer because she hates conflict and will avoid it at any cost.

Yep, that's me. Would rather go to a different shop than bother someone.
Fortunately (Or unfortunately, because it raises my anxiety through the roof), I have the Housemate who will go full "Karen" and demand to be served or she'll report them to their manager.
 

Laura Rainbow Dragon

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"Striving to be the change."

Nevetharine

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Do you know of the FightWrite site? She also has a YouTube channel.
Lots of great info there on writing fight scenes. (Easy to go down a research rabbit hole reading up on stuff you don't need, if you're prone to that--I know I am!)
Here is a one-sheet primer by the same author: 12 Things to Consider When Writing Fight Scenes in Fiction

Something to check out for sure. This one in particular ended up describing a scene where tons of stuff happen at the same time. I did a lot of that, maybe not so much actual fighting as hinting at fighting. But this is good to go through anyway for when I do want to add that detail.

Me describing the chaos of war sounds like, well, chaos! 😂
 

Nevetharine

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Alrighty, so, my hubby has decided that he's going to quit his job. Lots of reasons that would just take way too long to type here.

Biggest change I have to make is actually just spending less time online so I don't have to buy so much data.

I'm trying, I really am. Lol. I'll try to be online in the morning when I post my update, and only again in the afternoon. Maybe once at noon to quickly run through all the threads I'm following.

I'm okay with it, though. I'd rather him be home than stay in a job that sucks thumb and be unhappy.
 

Nevetharine

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Workouts:

✔Power Hold Challenge D6
✔Epic Abs Challenge D6
✔EotD
✔Dead Hang Challenge D28, attempted 1m 50s, made 30s.

✔Daily HIIT D5, 5 sets, 1m rest, 5kg Dumbells.
✔Shadebound D5
🚫5 Minute Strength, 5kg Dumbells.

Just did Daily HIIT, I still have some shoulder/back DOMS from two days ago.

✔5 Minute Empty Bowl Meditation

I'll probably do some yoga later today.


Breaking news for yesterday:

Writing:

🚫50 Words
🚫300 Words
🚫500 Words

The end of the last scene is kind of making it hard for me to imagine what comes next for this hero of mine. Or rather, I see it. I just don't have the words to describe it yet.

I kind of have to describe him as a zombie, dead inside. Without saying "zombie, dead inside".

Because his character has changed so much now that he's unrecognizable to his comrades, and even his Earth-sister who grew up with him.


Diet:

🚫20% Done
🚫50% Done
✔100% Done


Reading for Writing Inspiration:

⏺The Oversight Trilogy - 37%
⏺Treachery in Death - 23%
⏺Son of the Morning: Banners of Blood - 15%

Have a lovely day, Bees!
 

Nevetharine

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Workouts:

✔Power Hold Challenge D7
✔Epic Abs Challenge D7
✔EotD
✔Dead Hang Challenge D29

✔Daily HIIT D6
✔Shadebound D6
✔5 Minute Strength, 5kg Dumbells.

✔5 Minute Empty Bowl Meditation

30min cycling

I was tired today, and almost didn't workout. I think the humidity gets to me.

So Max came out to play, and I managed to push through. Sometimes, you just gotta go back to the classics when the going gets tough... This was my inspiration when I wrote Max's story, so I almost relate it more to him than the original movie. 😄



Breaking news for yesterday:

Writing:

🚫50 Words
🚫300 Words
🚫500 Words


Diet:

🚫20% Done
🚫50% Done
✔100% Done


Reading for Writing Inspiration:

⏺The Oversight Trilogy - 37%
⏺Treachery in Death - 31%
⏺Son of the Morning: Banners of Blood - 15%

Have a lovely day, Bees!
 

Nevetharine

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You know, eating just protein at noon gives the weirdest kind of satiation. Like, your stomach still feels empty, and you definitely feel like you can eat more, but also like you can just keep going, real steady.

It's like fasting, actually. Well, it IS a form of fasting that's just easier on the body than eating nothing.

And like fasting, you also have the taste-boredom and dry mouth that comes with it. Coffee, tea, and water with a little milk. And meat.

My insulin level has just dropped in these few days. And I do eat my fair share of carbs at night. Enough for the whole day. 2 cups of rice/pasta and also fruit.

Maybe I'm just lazy. But just eating meat at noon is easier than preparing a whole meal.

Yeah. Call me lazy. I'm okay with that. 😄
 

Nevetharine

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I was not into working out today. At all. But I did the bare minimum. And I'll probably get some casual training in during the day. Maybe cycling later or walking.

Bit time-strapped again because I need to take grandfather to the bank. I'm his... ah... chauffeur. 🙂

I'm planning on baking gingerbread cookies later.

What else? Hm. I'm tired because I woke up at 3 a.m. and spent an hour and a half calculating the cost of groceries. :giveup:

Workouts:

✔Power Hold Challenge D8
✔Epic Abs Challenge D8
✔EotD
✔Dead Hang Challenge D30, :completed:I'm not claiming this badge because I couldn't actually complete half of this. So I'm just restarting it.

🚫Daily HIIT D6
🚫Shadebound D6
🚫5 Minute Strength, 5kg Dumbells.

✔5 Minute Empty Bowl Meditation - Attempted but my brain is way too scattered.


Not tracking the diet anymore. Because reasons re: food negotiations. Doesn't help if I can't be consistent.


Breaking news for yesterday:


Writing:

🚫50 Words
✔300 Words
🚫500 Words


Reading for Writing Inspiration:

⏺The Oversight Trilogy - 37%
⏺Treachery in Death - 31%
⏺Son of the Morning: Banners of Blood - 15%

Have a lovely day, Bees!
 

Nevetharine

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Posts: 889
Chapter 28, because I'd like some (friendly) critique... :surrender: I kind of feel like its too much? I don't know. This was that difficult scene. I'm trying to describe the chaos of war, basically. Any suggestions welcome. Feel free to skip the goddess part, if you'd like. I'm just copying and pasting this here.

Oh, and the reason why Darius' dialogue is in italics is because he is actually a mute. But his magic allows his thoughts to be heard when he intends it.

Note: this may be disturbing for younger readers. Containes themes of grotesque violence, demonic entities etc.


"He has come into his beginning," said an ethereal feminine voice.

Everyone, besides the sleeping ones, sank to their knees as if forced to do so, even Edwin, for one did not look upon the face of Nocturnia. Though what little Edwin could see of her, was fabric that levitated around her like wisps of darkness. And he had a fleeting glimpse of a face that was an even starker white than that of a corpse, and dark, flowing hair.

"Goddess of the Night," Edwin pleaded with his hands clasped in front of his forehead, his elbows supporting him on the soil.

Kai, Zara, and even Meena, lowered their eyelids, but said nothing. They were not the ones being spoken to.

Edwin never communed with the goddess of alchemy, stealth and twilight. She was a patron to thieves, and all creatures of the darkness. She was, however, markably better than her brother, the Daemera Xorlock.

"What say you, Priest?" Nocturnia drawled, her voice an echoing whisper from another realm.

He was hoping for Mitra to appear. He supposed one goddess was as good as the other. But he was comfortable in Mitra's light; Nocturnia made him shudder inwardly. And he had no idea why she appeared in the place of her sister.

The portal still writhed with shades, while the people who fell asleep at its base jerked with nightmares. The evil shroud that swallowed the thrall remained as it was.

Edwin hoped that Nocturnia would appreciate his efforts to rid the world of evil as he was sure Mitra would have. True, Mitra hadn't appeared to him for months before the Medhir arrived on his doorstep, and hasn't since.

Sometimes, he had to dabble with demons in order to effectively accomplish this mission. He ardently hoped that Nocturnia would disregard this, minor hitch.

"I come to you, Your Lady Grace, admitting that I have vanquished a servant of the wicked," Edwin began with fervor. "Now, I implore your assistance in banishing the malevolent darkness that he has brought down on our once peaceful land. These portals to Oblivion are his breeding ground for sinister creatures who seek to destroy the sanity of all who look upon it."

To his surprise, the goddess gave a closed-mouth, low laugh that short-circuited his nerve endings.

Gods and goddesses were not of the material plane, and it was impossible to understand the workings of their minds, whether they know things or not, or how they would react to any given situation.

Edwin once prayed for a banker's good fortune, who was immediately struck down by a lightning strike the moment he left the temple.

Clearly Sterran, the god of business and commerce, didn't favor the banker on that particular day.

"Poor Edwin," Nocturnia whispered, though her voice shook the ground, "victim of your own delusion, a specter of virtue tainted by corruption. All of Oblivion knows you."

Sweat beaded on Edwin's forehead. His lower priests exchanged glances, still keeping their heads to the ground.

"I am doing you a service, your Lady Grace," Edwin replied carefully.

The nightmares intensified in the crowd, and they writhed where they lay.

"So you did, Priest. You have awoken my gaoler, Hell's watchman."

She disappeared into thin air, enveloped by an eerie aura.

The portal crackled with lightning bolts, and eerie cries from a distant dimension cut through the air, as if the gates of Oblivion were being opened.

Emerging from the sphere on the platform, a slender shadow demon lunged forward, its razor-sharp claws outstretched and finding their mark on one of the slumbering people below.

Pouncing on a woman in her thirties adorned in a simple brown tunic, the demon remained stealthily motionless as she twisted and turned in nightmarish sleep. Snarling with hunger, the creature's saliva dripped from its elongated fangs, staining her face.

Fear stricken, Edwin stood frozen for a fleeting moment before summoning his inner courage. He brandished the amulet used to banish evil, raising it high. "Return to the realm from which you came! I command you to go back!" he shouted with authority.

The shadow demon curled its lips into a sinister, contorted smile that revealed chalk white gums, and hissed back, "You do not command me,"

Edwin's eyes widened and he lowered the amulet an inch, his priests recoiled behind him.

"But he does," said Kai behind the shade.

The shade answered in a menacing hiss. Suddenly, from within the dark shroud, a long, black chain surged forward, coiled like a lasso. Swiftly and with precision, the loop ensnared the shade's sinewy neck, constricting mercilessly.

In its desperate struggle to break free, the shade let out blood-curdling shrieks, its claws flailing against the unseen force that tugged it back to the abyss. The interlocking links of the chain blazed a fiery red, searing the creature's flesh and compelling it to yield in submission. It's claws scraped the wooden planks as it was drawn back.

Drawn by the light of the portal, more nightmarish abominations escaped in grotesque and twisted forms.

The decaying specter of a man whose torso bore a gaping, oozing wound leapt from it, and plunged himself into the body of an innocent young child, corrupting her flesh and soul.

She convulsed and writhed in torment, her face distorted by grotesque decay. In a gut-wrenching scream that defied any human sound, she jolted from her supine position, and locked her gaze to Edwin. Her mouth gaped in a void from which legions of spiders poured.

Like man turned beast, she charged towards Edwin on all fours. Edwin unsheathed his blessed dagger concealed beneath his robes, aiming to defend himself. His reflexes were slow however, and she effortlessly slapped the weapon out of his hand, and sank her teeth into his forearm. He threw his head back and cried out in agony.

As the venomous decay coursed through his veins, Edwin fought desperately to shake her off, flailing her this side and that side, yet her jaws remained firmly latched onto his flesh. Her once blue eyes transformed into black abysses, devoid of any semblance of humanity, low growls clawed out of her throat.

An arrow hurtled through the portal, finding its mark in the back of her head, with its tip protruding from her forehead. Her body went limp, slumping away from Edwin's arm, leaving behind a horrifying scene of torn flesh and tendon, and oozing thickened blood.

The sleeping mob was now trapped in slumber, while the shades seized the opportunity to wreak havoc on their defenseless minds.

A spectral being with elongated limbs and gnarled features, plunged its razor-sharp claws into the chests of unsuspecting victims, extracting their beating hearts with sadistic precision. Another, resembling an arachnid, emitted a venomous vapor, suffocating its victims with tendrils that snaked their way into their slackened mouths and nostrils.

The shades transformed into ethereal beings that swiftly infiltrated the slumbering bodies of Edwin's congregation. A grotesque spectacle unfolded as people convulsed unnaturally. Reminiscent of the undead, one individual abruptly performed a half-somersault from a supine position, defying the laws of nature.

With a hand trembling in horror, Edwin grasped his amulet, for all the good it would do.

The influence of the shades extended its grasp to Edwin's lower-ranking priests, leaving Meena, Kai, and Zara as helpless witnesses to the unfolding chaos.

"Untie us!" Zara pleaded, but Edwin remained unmoving, unsure if he could even trust them.

The echo of approaching horse hooves sounded through the air. Meena glanced around, but saw no one coming to their aid.

Then suddenly a hideous demonic black dog with four sets of red eyes jumped out of the sphere next to her. It had a muscled body like a pitbull and was thrice the size of one, snarling, drooling, revealing three sets of fangs.

And then it sprung another two heads.

Meena stared at the dog, a scream trapped in her throat. It turned, locked gazes with her. The shadow sphere vanished.

This beast, she couldn't command. It wasn't of this realm.

Out of the portal, emerged a shadowy horseman on a black horse whose headcover gleamed with polished iron spears.

Then she recognized the clothing.

Her eyes widened. "D?"

He swung the lasso, threw, and captured three corrupted slaves. The chain links burned fiery red, and seemed to dissolve all within them to ash.

Hordes escaped the portal.

"Gods save us," Edwin sank to his knees, as an army of darkness descended.

Before Edwin's very eyes, the enigmatic dark horseman fragmented into five distinct entities. A swarm of crows swooped down upon the shades, launching relentless assaults in groups.

With blurring speed, a sinuous python detached itself from the horse's tail. It coiled around a cluster of five unfortunate people, now reduced to slaves, and suffocated them.

The rider himself splintered into three forms, each carrying out a different method of attack. One unleashed a barrage of arrows upon the shades, while another cleaved through them with the ghost of a battleaxe. Shifting shape in an ethereal dance of shadows, he dominated the entire battlefield, adopting various guises seamlessly.

The three-headed dog snarled at Meena before prowling towards her. She flinched and shut her eyes, expected the tearing of its canines into her flesh.

She heard its growling, felt the wet of its teeth against her wrists, its saliva coating her skin.

Then she realized it was tearing up the rope that held her captive. When she finally opened her eyes, her hands were free, and the dog had gone over to Zara, then to Kai.

Once all their restraints were chewed up, the dog lunged into the crowd of enslaved individuals, who were now consumed by lunacy and beyond salvation. It tore through flesh and bone in a macabre frenzy, flinging severed limbs through the air. Blood painted the soil.

Stunned into silence, the trio stood transfixed, witnessing this controlled chaos. Darius seemed to embody every face of death, omnipresent yet impossibly elusive.

Kai was the first to wake up and gather their weapons. He threw Zara her daggers, and grabbed Soulsnare. They entered the fight.

Meena didn't have weapons, didn't know how to fight, and couldn't command any of the creatures that Darius had brought out of hell. She helplessly watched the dark rider who was her brother... or was he?

He didn't move or act like the Darius she knew, though he wore his face. Not a speck of emotion, of mercy, graced his features.

She saw the Shadowborn, Death, in all his might. He carved through the enemy mercilessly, shifting between so many forms, killing in such an abominable way, that she had trouble distinguishing him from the demons at times.

He didn't need Zara or Kai's help, or even hers. He could've flattened a whole army by himself.

A crow cawed above her. She lifted her head. It swooped low, and dropped a silver round artifact into her hand. She stared at the thing, embellished with what were clearly demonic runes. The back of it seemed like it fit into something.

Before she could ponder it any further, Darius' horse halted beside her. She stumbled back, and met his eyes. His irises glowed green, while the whites of his eyes had turned pitch black. Her blood chilled in her veins.

Close the gate, he commanded, voice unnatural, more of a growl.

She fleetingly caught sight of the left side of his horse's face as he went back to battle, which was rotted off to the bone.

Fighting against the chill running through her, she ran, zig-zagged through screaming monsters, some his, some not, and shrieking enslaved children.

An elderly woman, clearly manic, flanked her from the left, frantically pulling at strands of her silver hair. She moved in a chaotic manner, arms flailing and howling, contorting her jaws, intent on sinking her teeth into Meena.

Meena gasped, preparing to defend herself by hurling the key at the woman's head. Before she could act, the three-headed dog leapt into the scene, positioning its formidable bulk between them. One of the dog's heads ruthlessly tore a substantial chunk of flesh and bone from the woman's skull, yet she continued to thrash and shriek even as that should have killed her.

The dog's second head ripped away another piece of her dead brain, while the third head fully separated the skull from the vertebrae with a sickening crunch of shattered bones.

Meena forced herself to move, to tear her eyes away. She stumbled to her feet. Thankfully, nothing else turned its attention on her.

Before the portal, her heart hitched at the thousands upon thousands of shades still swirling within. If they were to escape, they would overrun the entire world. No one would ever see the light of day again.

The rim of the portal rotated, and she saw the key's slot coming down.

She encouraged it, "Come on! Come on!"

Her hand was pulled back, the key stolen from her grip.

"Cease this evil, child!"

"Give it back!" She reached, but she was too short for the likes of Edwin. "If you don't, you'll free them!"

"He has corrupted you," Edwin was a pathetic picture, his eyes watery and his entire frame trembling in fear. "He wants to set them free."

His face was so close to hers that she could smell the sourness of his breath.

A gloved hand gripped his shoulder, and he swung. Behind him stood a hooded figure in black, one half of his face nothing but a white skull, but he recognized the other half as the boy.

Though his mouth did not move, he spoke. Stop getting in the way, Priest. Or I'll be obliged to end your life sooner than is neccesary.

Edwin felt all his energy being drained, his knees wobble, but he stubbornly remained standing. "What are you?" His voice nearly broke.

Darius plucked the key from his lame grip. Death.

"Have mercy," Edwin pleaded as he sank to the soil.

I should be so kind, after the courtesy you've shown me.

He pushed the key into Meena's hand, and simply stared at her expectantly.

No, she thought, this was not her brother. It couldn't be.

She turned and stuck the key into its hole. The portal crackled with lightning once more, before breaking apart, and then all the falling pieces vanished into another realm.

Silence took over the chaos. And when Meena looked around, the soil was littered with gore and dead. She felt faint.

Edwin crawled to one of his people, and cried in her tunic, sticking his nose just above the hole from whence her beating heart had been ripped out.

"D?" Meena whispered. She needed a hug, but all she got was a cold, emotionless stare.

He simply turned on his heel, and walked away from her.
 

Nevetharine

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Okay... so the cookies will probably not happen as is on the recipe. Or maybe they will.

See, there are reasons why I don't want (old) people coming grocery shopping with me. They randomly pick stuff to moan about.

Like the price of a small container of yoghurt, and bananas.

Yes. Food negotiations.

Anyhoo, I might replace that with amasi which is also like yoghurt but funkier, and thinner... It might be okay though, since I won't be using the syrup (not the molasses, I have that. I mean the other syrup), I'll be replacing it with normal sugar.

I've asked hubby to buy me some yoghurt on his way home from work. He's still working until the 18th. The shops in town were INSANITY again today, so I hope it's not too busy, because my husband does not stand in a long line. Ever. Not without throwing stuff down and storming out.

Edited to add: Alrighty. I'll be making this with Amasi, because the wonderful 24H shop next to his ex place of employment doesn't house the posh fair that is plain yoghurt. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Is should be fine. If it's too wet, I can just add a teeny bit more flour.
 

Nevetharine

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The end result of my very homemade looking cookies:

Screenshot_20240108-133352_Gallery.jpg

They almost look like @neilarey 's picture, don't they?

20240108_133450.jpg


No? Ah well. I can totally explain what went wrong here:

1. Flour. I used self-raising flour, and did not take into account the added leavening agents.

2. Stickyness. Alright, so the amasi was a bit much. At first, the dough was a bit dry. So I added a bit more liquid. Then I had to add a bit more flour. It didn't matter though. Seeing the sticky dough reminded me of my grandmothers gingerbread recipe. So many hours spent rolling dough balls, so many hours with sticky, goblin hands. So that's what I copied, rolling balls of dough. Maybe I had to make them smaller to compensate...

3. I doubled the recipe. I don't know if this one would actually make as much of a difference as the type of flour.

The taste though, was ON POINT. Now I'm not allowed to have one. And it's totally NOT because I was eating raw cookie (cake?) dough...:eager:

**sneaks baked Franken-Gingercake**

Hmm. Maybe I would still put this in the realm of the cookie. It's not crispy enough for a biscuit. But the bottom is crispy, and the inside of my "flop" is like a chewy cookie.

Flop and all, I'd make this again!
 

TopNotch

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Ranger from Australia
Posts: 1,970
"Motivation is temporary. Discipline is forever."
Congrats on Dead Hang!
It's a bit difficult to comment on the chapter without knowing what went before and what it's really all about. It does seem a little long and the rhythm occasionally disturbed.
Then she realized it was tearing up the rope that held her captive. When she finally opened her eyes, her hands were free, and the dog had gone over to Zara, then to Kai.
This bit, for example, slowed down the action. If you were, for example, to add to the previous sentence and incorporate the two ideas - fear of the dog and its freeing her - it might be a litle sharper. Something perhaps a bit like (and here this is just top-of-the-head thinking):
"She heard its growling, felt the wet of its teeth as it gnawed against her wrists, its saliva coating her skin, its scent thick and foetid in her nostrils, and she closed her eyes, shaking with fear. Then her wrists sprang apart, freed from the binding ropes, and the dog moved on."
Or whatever.
(Just as pedantic little comment, but when referring to a dog's teeth, I'd avoid the use of the word 'canines'. Maybe 'fangs' instead.)
I assume that the arrow that killed the girl came from the horseman, but there is a sizeable gap between the two events (the shot and the appearance of the horseman) and I had to read it a couple of times to work out where the arrow came from. I think D would have to appear a little sooner, close on the heels, so to speak, of the arrow.
So, there are just a couple of things that struck me.
 

Laura Rainbow Dragon

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Bard from Canada
Posts: 2,293
"Striving to be the change."
Re: Chapter 28: You have lots of cool and interesting stuff in this chapter. As @TopNotch wrote, it is difficult to critique a work-in-progress, especially when we're coming into the middle of it. For instance: there are a lot of named characters in this chapter. It appears from the writing that Nocturnia is the only newly-introduced one. But I don't know any of these characters and can only assume you introduced everyone else well earlier in the story.

Regarding the description and pacing: Try to make the pacing of your writing match the pacing of what is happening in the story. Always describe things from the opinions/feelings/observations of your point of view character, asking "what would they notice in this moment?" This will help you to control the pacing and provide relevant details.

At the start of this chapter, your POV character is Edwin. Again: I don't know what came before, but it appears to me from this scene that a portal has opened between Edwin's realm and some bad place. Edwin is concerned about this portal--enough so that he's apparently summoned a goddess to help him deal with it--but the portal is not an immediate threat. How do I know this? Because Edwin is all but ignoring the portal and the people sleeping around it and is instead fixated on the goddess: the sound of her voice, the movement of her clothing, the colour of her skin, how her presence makes him feel, etc. This all works if Edwin's problem in this moment is not the portal but the fact that he summoned a goddess and the wrong one showed up. She didn't show up with a scythe, swinging it at his throat though. She's just there, regarding him, asking him what he wants. So absolutely he notices all of these details about her because in this moment he's trying to figure her out, to learn how to negotiate with and get help from her. The slow pace with rich, detailed description works here because the only "action" is Edwin thinking.

Then:

"Poor Edwin," Nocturnia whispered, though her voice shook the ground, "victim of your own delusion, a specter of virtue tainted by corruption. All of Oblivion knows you."

Sweat beaded on Edwin's forehead. His lower priests exchanged glances, still keeping their heads to the ground.

"I am doing you a service, your Lady Grace," Edwin replied carefully.

The nightmares intensified in the crowd, and they writhed where they lay.

"So you did, Priest. You have awoken my gaoler, Hell's watchman."

She disappeared into thin air, enveloped by an eerie aura.
Uh, oh! The negotiation has not gone how Edwin had hoped. Which we know from Nocturnia's words, and the others' reactions to them.
But your pacing here mirrors well what's happening in the story. The tension is rising, and your sentences and paragraphs both get much shorter, your descriptions sharper and more succinct. This is great!

As storytellers, we are basically mind-control artists. You're trying to manipulate your readers into thinking and feeling what you want them to think and feel. Partially we do this through the content of our words. ("Whelp. Nocturnia didn't give Edwin what he wanted. So now he's got trouble.") But we also do it through the structure and flow of our words. "An ethereal, feminine voice" is a dreamy, calm observation. Intriguing maybe, but not dangerous. "Her voice shook the ground" is a holy crap, shit's about to get real! observation. It's punchier. Even the words are shorter. Edwin's heart is beating faster, and so is the readers! I might even cut the second half of the last sentence in this section to further accentuate this effect.

But now all Hell breaks loose. No one has time to think about people's clothing anymore.

The portal crackled with lightning bolts, and eerie cries from a distant dimension cut through the air, as if the gates of Oblivion were being opened.
Good!

Emerging from the sphere on the platform, a slender shadow demon lunged forward, its razor-sharp claws outstretched and finding their mark on one of the slumbering people below.
"razor sharp claws" is good. But does Edwin really notice that the demon is slender? Does that matter?

Pouncing on a woman in her thirties adorned in a simple brown tunic, the demon remained stealthily motionless as she twisted and turned in nightmarish sleep. Snarling with hunger, the creature's saliva dripped from its elongated fangs, staining her face.
I'm pretty sure nobody cares or notices how old this poor woman is, or what she's wearing. Keep the focus on the demon. It's not moving right now, so we have time to notice some details about it, and the ones you have chosen are great!

Suddenly, from within the dark shroud, a long, black chain surged forward, coiled like a lasso. Swiftly and with precision, the loop ensnared the shade's sinewy neck, constricting mercilessly.

In its desperate struggle to break free, the shade let out blood-curdling shrieks, its claws flailing against the unseen force that tugged it back to the abyss. The interlocking links of the chain blazed a fiery red, searing the creature's flesh and compelling it to yield in submission. It's claws scraped the wooden planks as it was drawn back.

Drawn by the light of the portal, more nightmarish abominations escaped in grotesque and twisted forms.

The decaying specter of a man whose torso bore a gaping, oozing wound leapt from it, and plunged himself into the body of an innocent young child, corrupting her flesh and soul.

She convulsed and writhed in torment, her face distorted by grotesque decay. In a gut-wrenching scream that defied any human sound, she jolted from her supine position, and locked her gaze to Edwin. Her mouth gaped in a void from which legions of spiders poured.
I like all of the description in this part. Good choice of details that fit with the mood and what Edwin is feeling (and what you want your readers to feel).

Like man turned beast, she charged towards Edwin on all fours. Edwin unsheathed his blessed dagger concealed beneath his robes, aiming to defend himself. His reflexes were slow however, and she effortlessly slapped the weapon out of his hand, and sank her teeth into his forearm. He threw his head back and cried out in agony.
Here I think you're trying to give us too much blow-by-blow and it's slowing down the pace of what should be whip-fast, intense action. "Like man turned beast, she charged" is good, "towards" I think you can replace with a shorter, sharper word, "on all fours" is basically just repetition/explanation of "man turned beast."

Again: ask yourself, "What does Edwin notice in this moment?" Does he notice the psycho child charging him? Absolutely! Does he register that she's behaving not like a child but like a wild animal? Yep! Does he have enough time to think, well, she's running at me on all fours, that's one of the ways in which her behaviour is more animal-like than human? (Yes, he can see that she's on all fours. But I don't think he's sparing the time in this moment to form a conscious thought about that. And you don't have time in a fast action scene to tell us everything your character is seeing. You need to drill right down to the important bits: animal. attack. dagger.)

Edwin is under attack. So he unsheaths his dagger. Does he think about the fact that it's a blessed dagger or that it used to be concealed beneath his robes? "Aiming to defend himself" is superfluous. The fact that he's too slow is important, but you want to convey this info in a faster, punchier way.

I hope some of this helps!
 

Laura Rainbow Dragon

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Posts: 2,293
"Striving to be the change."
Also: a large group of crows is called a "murder".
You can call it a flock and everyone understands what that means. It's not incorrect.
And you can call it a swarm to give a better feel for how they're behaving in this scene. Also not incorrect.
But if you thought the term "murder of crows" fit well with what you're writing, you could use that, and it would also be an accurate term.

Also: Congratulations on completing the Dead Hang Challenge!
(That one ramps up quickly, and you surely are stronger now for having gone through it, even if you could not complete all of the later holds in one go.)
 

Nevetharine

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@Laura Rainbow Dragon thank you so much for your feedback 😄 I'll provide a little more context.

Edwin was actually the bad guy in the beginning. His temple was struggling, and so the elven council, the Medhir, offered him lots of gold to help them capture Darius.

This was before Darius came into his power, which is what happens here. Darius is a Shadowborn, akin to an assassin, or well, the grim reaper! And the Medhir are saying that they want to capture him because he murdered Dru, an elf halfling that no elf actually cared about, but he was part of Darius' twin brother, Damon's, group. Darius didn't actually murder him. It was an accident. His dagger threw through the air and just happened to hit Dru in the chest, it would've hit Darius in any case if Dru hadn't shielded him.

The real reason they want him is actually because D&D are Princes. Not in the traditional royal sense, but something close to it. Their House is the only thing standing between the elves and total control of the capital.

Anyway, got side-tracked there.

So it's actually the elves that want D, and Edwin just happens to get involved.

Darius, as Shadowborn, has a pendant around his neck, because his kind has the ability to pierce and see into other dimensions, the dark ones, like hell itself.

Here, he is still innocent and struggling to come to grips with his own power.

Edwin, thinks Darius is possessed by demons, or he wants to set them free in the world, according to general Shadowborn bias. He mistakenly believes that the pendant is what Darius uses to summon them.

So he rips the pendant off his neck. Darius goes wild with panic.

In the beginning, he was kind of sucked off Earth into a portal and dropped into this world with Meena. They were orphans on the streets, or moving from one abusive household to the next. And here in Arcania he discovers he has an identical twin brother, who hunts and kills demons, and he is a mage himself.

So he doesn't have a clue what will happen when Edwin rips off this pendant he's had since he was a baby around his neck. All he feels is that whatever will happen, will be a fate worse than death.

Anyway, these portals open when Edwin yanks off the pendant, which untethers Darius' locked power (which he has no clue how to use yet). Darius is sucked into them, into hell. And they stay relatively stable and calm for a many hours.

Inside hell, meanwhile, Darius goes through terrifying experiences much like these described. At first, he's so scared he's sick. For a long time. And then he becomes numb to it. Which is the awakening of his full potential. The abused child, the street thief, awakens into his assassin-self.

When he starts making his way out of hell, now irrevocably changed, innocence completely wiped out, then these demons start pouring out.

This is why Meena doesn't recognize him. He isn't the thief she knew anymore, the silent brother who had a big heart after all and protected her from their abusive adopted father.

He'd been involved in scraps before on the streets, but never killed like he did in this scene, and he's never been so cold. But coldness is what makes him powerful. "Cold-hearted killer" and all that.

I feel like this is why some of the voice sounds different too. Because since the beginning I've kind of been writing in these two voices. The old-world is more for Damon and the world of Arcania, but the easier one is for Darius and Meena who basically came from a modern Earth.

Before then, Edwin is fiercely trying to close the portals with ritual and holy trinkets with no such luck.

He summons Mitra, his goddess whom he believes he serves, but he's too proud to see how corrupted he's become.

Her sister appears instead. Nocturnia. And she's a little too close to Xorlock (her brother and a Daemera a.k.a dark/evil god) in likeness.

Why does she appear? Well, because she is the patron of all things twilight, and that includes Darius. She commands him from here on out in a sense, but I haven't added that yet.

Darius is also different in that, before he got sucked into hell, he was crying like a child and afraid that Edwin would rip off the pendant, his only protection against what they call 'mania', where the visions of horrible things become so intense that they drive Shadowborn crazy. (Not D, though) When he comes out of the portal, he is stone-cold, acts like a man instead of a boy (he's sixteen), and suddenly even threatens Edwin.
 
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Nevetharine

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Viking from The Depths
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Again, getting myself to workout was hard. But I completed everything on level 1. At least I did SOMETHING.

It has to be the humidity. It's been raining here almost for a week now.

Workouts:

✔Power Hold Challenge D9
✔Epic Abs Challenge D9
✔EotD
✔Dead Hang Challenge D1

✔Daily HIIT D9 & D10
✔Shadebound D7 & D8
🚫5 Minute Strength, 5kg Dumbells.

✔5 Minute Empty Bowl Meditation


Breaking news for yesterday:


Writing:

🚫50 Words
🚫300 Words
🚫500 Words

Just don't feel like it right now.

Might read more today.


Reading for Writing Inspiration:

⏺The Oversight Trilogy - 37%
⏺Treachery in Death - 31%
⏺Son of the Morning: Banners of Blood - 15%

Have a lovely day, Bees!
 

Nevetharine

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Posts: 889
Okay. I'm bringing back the diet tracking to my log.

This will be the meal structure, per meal, for two meals a day.

2/3 to 1 cup protein. This may or may not be plant-based (a.k.a lentils or split peas)

1.5 cups carbs. (Barley, oats, rice, potatoes, 2 slices bread.)

1 tablespoon fat, or the equivalent thereof.

I'm gonna have to cut down on produce, though. But if by some miracle my grandfather decides I'm worthy of a vegetable, hah, then it'll be 2 cups per meal.

I'm just going to be tracking my ability to keep to these ratios.
 

Nevetharine

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Did 5 sets of The Purge, 1min rest.


Then did 5 minute strength.


And 17 minutes of cycling, at 20.8km/h, distance travelled 5.5km
 

Nevetharine

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Viking from The Depths
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Posts: 889
Workouts:

✔Power Hold Challenge D10
✔Epic Abs Challenge D10 -

Flutterkicks. And I thought I'd explain how I usually do them.

There's an exercise in yoga that is almost like a very slow bicycle crunch, or it can also be done as a flutter kick. Just sloooowly, moving one leg with the inhale, and switching with the exhale.

So I do half of this with my hands extended towards my toes, and the other half with my arms extended back over my head.


✔EotD
✔Dead Hang Challenge D2

✔Daily HIIT D11
✔Shadebound D9
✔5 Minute Strength, 5kg Dumbells.

✔5 Minute Empty Bowl Meditation

30 minutes Cycling at ~21km/h, 10.25km.

I'll probably do a restorative yoga session later today.

I'm thinking this one:


Breaking news for yesterday:


Diet:

🚫20% Done
🚫50% Done
✔70% Done [divided into 3 meals]
🚫100% Done


Writing:

🚫50 Words
✔217 Words
🚫500 Words

No reading yesterday, because I played Skyrim ALL. DAY. LONG.

So reading is on the menu for today.

Reading for Writing Inspiration:

⏺The Oversight Trilogy - 37%
⏺Treachery in Death - 31%
⏺Son of the Morning: Banners of Blood - 15%

Have a lovely day, Bees!
 

Nevetharine

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Posts: 889
Oh, I forgot to mention it, I'm making Lentil bread today 😄

Ingredients:

- 2 cups cooked lentils
- 3 large eggs
- 1/4 cup olive oil
- 1 teaspoon baking powder
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- Optional toppings and seasonings (e.g., herbs, spices, seeds)

Instructions:

1. Preheat your oven to 350°F (175°C) and grease a loaf pan with olive oil or line it with parchment paper.

2. In a food processor or blender, blend the cooked lentils until smooth and creamy.

3. In a large mixing bowl, whisk together the lentil puree, eggs, olive oil, baking powder, and salt. The mixture should be well combined and smooth.

4. At this stage, you can add any additional toppings or seasonings, such as herbs, spices, or seeds, according to your preference. Mix them into the batter.

5. Pour the lentil mixture into the prepared loaf pan and spread it evenly.

6. Place the pan in the preheated oven and bake for approximately 45-50 minutes or until the bread is cooked through and golden brown. You can test for doneness by inserting a toothpick into the center of the loaf—if it comes out clean, the bread is ready.

7. Allow the lentil bread to cool in the pan for a few minutes, then transfer it to a wire rack to cool completely before slicing.

Nutritional value per slice (approximate, makes 10 slices):
- Calories: 120
- Total Fat: 6g
- Saturated Fat: 1g
- Cholesterol: 56mg
- Sodium: 116mg
- Total Carbohydrates: 12g
- Dietary Fiber: 4g
- Sugars: 1g
- Protein: 7g
 

MadamMeow

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Fae from Central NJ
Posts: 1,458
"I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time, but Im too young to worry..."
Oh, I forgot to mention it, I'm making Lentil bread today 😄

Ingredients:

- 2 cups cooked lentils
- 3 large eggs
- 1/4 cup olive oil
- 1 teaspoon baking powder
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- Optional toppings and seasonings (e.g., herbs, spices, seeds)

Instructions:

1. Preheat your oven to 350°F (175°C) and grease a loaf pan with olive oil or line it with parchment paper.

2. In a food processor or blender, blend the cooked lentils until smooth and creamy.

3. In a large mixing bowl, whisk together the lentil puree, eggs, olive oil, baking powder, and salt. The mixture should be well combined and smooth.

4. At this stage, you can add any additional toppings or seasonings, such as herbs, spices, or seeds, according to your preference. Mix them into the batter.

5. Pour the lentil mixture into the prepared loaf pan and spread it evenly.

6. Place the pan in the preheated oven and bake for approximately 45-50 minutes or until the bread is cooked through and golden brown. You can test for doneness by inserting a toothpick into the center of the loaf—if it comes out clean, the bread is ready.

7. Allow the lentil bread to cool in the pan for a few minutes, then transfer it to a wire rack to cool completely before slicing.

Nutritional value per slice (approximate, makes 10 slices):
- Calories: 120
- Total Fat: 6g
- Saturated Fat: 1g
- Cholesterol: 56mg
- Sodium: 116mg
- Total Carbohydrates: 12g
- Dietary Fiber: 4g
- Sugars: 1g
- Protein: 7g

Sounds yummy, thank you! :thanku:
 

Nevetharine

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Viking from The Depths
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Posts: 889
Not in the mood today. 🥺

Workouts:

✔Power Hold Challenge D11
✔Epic Abs Challenge D11
✔EotD
✔Dead Hang Challenge D3

✔Daily HIIT D12, 5 sets, 30s rest.
✔Shadebound D10
🚫5 Minute Strength, 5kg Dumbells.

✔5 Minute Empty Bowl Meditation


Breaking news for yesterday:

Nope.

Writing:

🚫50 Words
✔231 Words
🚫500 Words

Reading for Writing Inspiration:

⏺The Oversight Trilogy - 37%
⏺Treachery in Death - 39%
⏺Son of the Morning: Banners of Blood - 15%

Have a lovely day, Bees!
 

Nevetharine

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Posts: 889
Bit time strapped this morning, have to get to town to do the weekly shopping.

Workouts:

✔Power Hold Challenge D12
✔Epic Abs Challenge D12
✔EotD (?!) Divided into 3 sets
✔Dead Hang Challenge D4

✔Daily HIIT D13
✔Shadebound D11
@Laura Rainbow Dragon 's Birthday Gift, 53sec squat hold.
🚫5 Minute Strength, 5kg Dumbells.

✔5 Minute Empty Bowl Meditation


Breaking news for yesterday:


Writing:

🚫50 Words
🚫231 Words
🚫500 Words

Reading for Writing Inspiration:

⏺The Oversight Trilogy - (Cancelled, because it was Meh)

⏺The Sign of Seven Trilogy - 0%
⏺Treachery in Death - 39%
⏺Son of the Morning: Banners of Blood - 15%

Have a lovely day, Bees!
 

Nevetharine

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Posts: 889
So now that I have the time, I can write a post. I lost the whole of yesterday to Skyrim. Pretty much.

The day before yesterday, I did 1 hour of cycling, and posted the first 30 minutes here.

Today, my right calf is feeling it a little when I walk, it feels stretchy, as well as my knees. This was why I skipped 5 minute strength.

Our power has been off since this morning. Apparently an electricity pole burned down. Far away from here, mind you. So I don't get how that affects us, but anyway...

My town's municipality has made the news! It ranks first on the top dysfunctional municipalities in the country. Yay!

Anyway, the rest of today will just be chill. And hopefully the power comes back on.
 

Nevetharine

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Posts: 889
I know that feeling of losing an entire day to gaming.

Sorry to hear about your town's sorry state of affairs. If it's any consolation, my town is equally lacklustre in many ways.

I'd love to stand up and change things... unfortunately I'll be standing alone. 😂😂🤦‍♀️ People here are just not interested in helping each other all that much.

And attending municipal meetings doesn't really mean squat if it's just the same four people everytime. They become a laughing stock and nothing gets done.
 

Nevetharine

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Posts: 889
❇❇Question:❇❇ Let's say, for instance, I have to do 10 lateral raises with 5kg dumbells. Maybe I get 10 done for the first set, but following sets end up less and less, and the last just ends up being a single rep before muscles fail.

Is it better to lower the weight, coming up to the last set, and complete all 10 reps? Or does that one rep I do to failure make a difference? (In terms of strength as well as muscle size.)

On my to-do list for next month is Powerbuilder BTW, hence my asking.
 

GentleOx

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Warrior from Hong Kong
Posts: 696
"So sleepy!"
There are different schools of thought on what to do when you reach failure.

One school says that you indeed reduce the weight and stick to the reps.

Another school says that you should reduce the number of reps for the next set; we call these back off sets..

The school I belong to says that when you lift to failure, you should just move on to the next exercise.

Of course, I'm speaking from experience with powerlifting, where there are a lot of fine-tuned differences and little margin for error.

If you don't care about, say, increasing the weight of your lateral raises over time, then it's not going to make a difference. So long as you challenge your body over time and eat a supporting diet, you will get stronger and gain muscle.

So my answer is don't worry :standby:
 

Nevetharine

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My legs hurt this morning... but managed to drag myself through the workout.

Actually I'm pretty fatigued overall. The last few days have been a struggle when it came to exercise.

I'm trying to force myself to stick with these programs, even though

I'm wanting to do the WOTD rather because at this point that seems more fun... (?) So this may well be on the horizon for next month instead of Powerbuilder. But as usual with me it's all up in the air.

Workouts:

✔Power Hold Challenge D13
✔Epic Abs Challenge D13
✔EotD
✔Dead Hang Challenge D5

✔Daily HIIT D14, with dumbells. 4 sets, 1min rest. The first one had 30sec rest, and then I realized this kite wasn't going to fly. On set 3 and 4 the hold was to failure.
✔Shadebound D12, 5 sets, 1min rest.
✔5 Minute Strength, 5kg Dumbells.

✔5 Minute Empty Bowl Meditation


To-do List for February:

❇Powerbuilder Program (? Maybe)
❇2-minute Abs Challenge


What the papers are saying about yesterday:

Writing:

Not feeling inspired.

✔50 Words
🚫300 Words
🚫500 Words

Reading for Writing Inspiration:

⏺The Sign of Seven Trilogy - 5%
⏺Treachery in Death - 39%
⏺Son of the Morning: Banners of Blood - 15%

⛎Days of Consecutive Exercise (Because everyone is doing it and it seems like good motivation!) : 59

The number may not actually be accurate, but I started counting from the day I started doing the WotD, since I'm sure I did SOMETHING everyday since then.

Have a tremendous day, Bees!

Side note.
Fasting, having one large meal at noon.
 

Nevetharine

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Viking from The Depths
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Posts: 889
Side note #2

Well, I didn't think I'd be able to eat 1400 calories, or even 1800 in healthy food. But it appears Natalie was right. I'm a buffet girl. Or maybe a viking? Because you know, big hunts, yadda yadda. I wolfed lunch down in 21 minutes. Today's fast lasted 24hrs and 10 minutes. All it takes is adding more healthy fats to get me to the goal, and to the next lunch.
 
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